I just got my butt beaten
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by OT4Kids;7007031\
If i go ahead and press charges then i lose any chance of him earning money to pay back what he owes me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Precious and valuable young woman....please, reach out for help.
The money is just an excuse.
The "I keep it from my children" is just an excuse.
Excuses to keep you involved with a man who abuses you: mentally, verbally, physically. He has beaten you. This man has beaten you--laid his hands on you in violence. It is heartbreaking. It is not "OK". It is not acceptable behavior.
I hope someday very, very soon, you will realize that you are worth the best treatment by a man with whom you become involved. The kindest, gentlest, most respectful treatment. You deserve to be honored.
The money is just an excuse.
The "I keep it from my children" is just an excuse.
Excuses to keep you involved with a man who abuses you: mentally, verbally, physically. He has beaten you. This man has beaten you--laid his hands on you in violence. It is heartbreaking. It is not "OK". It is not acceptable behavior.
I hope someday very, very soon, you will realize that you are worth the best treatment by a man with whom you become involved. The kindest, gentlest, most respectful treatment. You deserve to be honored.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
OT, please seek real life support from a domestic violence women's group. I agree with others, he's not going to pay you back. Please, I speak from experience. My ex "owed" me thousands of dollars (I used quotation marks because it was never loan, it was theft). Initially, I tried to bargain with him to get my money back. Then I realized that if I could trust him to pay me back, he would never have stolen from me.
When I was struggling to break free of my relationship, I had a hard time justifying doing it for myself. I was so depressed that I had stopped caring much about myself at all. The thing that woke me up is that people I knew and loved felt threatened by him... and I felt that I had to protect myself to protect them.
When I was struggling to break free of my relationship, I had a hard time justifying doing it for myself. I was so depressed that I had stopped caring much about myself at all. The thing that woke me up is that people I knew and loved felt threatened by him... and I felt that I had to protect myself to protect them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
I echo others who stand strong against any
and all kinds of abuse. Mental, physical, verbal,
phycological, sexual etc. abuse by the hand of a
man, female, spouse, husband, wife, worker,
boss, ex whoever, any and all those who
cause harm to another.
No child and I mean no child, wife, husband,
and all those in between should stand for
abuse of any kind.
If fear is present get help from someone
who you can trust. For me, I wished as a
child I could have been stronger in taking
my own advice here, but sadly I wasn't. I
mean, there were attempts but fear kept
me prisoner at the hands of a sick parent
till I was old enough to leave.
Strength comes in number and we are
here as just one lifeline to help guide
you with suggestions to who and where
to go for help because we care and show
concern, compassion, love and hope that
you leave the abuse and be free from it.
and all kinds of abuse. Mental, physical, verbal,
phycological, sexual etc. abuse by the hand of a
man, female, spouse, husband, wife, worker,
boss, ex whoever, any and all those who
cause harm to another.
No child and I mean no child, wife, husband,
and all those in between should stand for
abuse of any kind.
If fear is present get help from someone
who you can trust. For me, I wished as a
child I could have been stronger in taking
my own advice here, but sadly I wasn't. I
mean, there were attempts but fear kept
me prisoner at the hands of a sick parent
till I was old enough to leave.
Strength comes in number and we are
here as just one lifeline to help guide
you with suggestions to who and where
to go for help because we care and show
concern, compassion, love and hope that
you leave the abuse and be free from it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−7233
You are making a choice out of fear, over whelming fear that keeps you his victim. And you are also making a choice for your children to be his victims as well, even if you cannot see that, they are being affected by this.
If you can’t find the courage and strength for yourself then try and find it for your children. Call and get help please.
You are making a choice out of fear, over whelming fear that keeps you his victim. And you are also making a choice for your children to be his victims as well, even if you cannot see that, they are being affected by this.
If you can’t find the courage and strength for yourself then try and find it for your children. Call and get help please.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
I think I keep taking him back because I am afraid to be without him. I put so much time, money and energy into this relationship.
My therapist says I was never good enough for my mom and that is what makes me stay.
He continues to have a few "good" days when he sticks around, and then disappears for a night every week or two.
Everything that goes wrong is still "my fault". He keeps leaving jobs. Keeps promising to make things right but it only lasts a few days at a time.
I am absolutely codependent and need to get to nar anon or al anon but my illnesses are getting worse so I can barely get thru a day of work and take care of my kids and then I try to rest. It really is hard to even get myself to the therapist and my doctors appointments. I have scleroderma and sjogrens syndrome and have a lot of pain and fatigue but don't really look sick and it is going to be hard to qualify for disability.
Wishing all of you peace and love!
My therapist says I was never good enough for my mom and that is what makes me stay.
He continues to have a few "good" days when he sticks around, and then disappears for a night every week or two.
Everything that goes wrong is still "my fault". He keeps leaving jobs. Keeps promising to make things right but it only lasts a few days at a time.
I am absolutely codependent and need to get to nar anon or al anon but my illnesses are getting worse so I can barely get thru a day of work and take care of my kids and then I try to rest. It really is hard to even get myself to the therapist and my doctors appointments. I have scleroderma and sjogrens syndrome and have a lot of pain and fatigue but don't really look sick and it is going to be hard to qualify for disability.
Wishing all of you peace and love!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
OT4kids, I put ten years into a relationship. Lots of people here have put a lot into a relationship and have had to start over. It's easy to fall for the sunk-cost fallacy.
I am sorry your health is not good, but are you worried about how the stress you are experiencing might exacerbate your conditions? I mean, if he physically hurts you, it's dangerous too.
I think I read somewhere that most women who try to leave abusive relationships go back seven times before they leave for good. I hope you stay safe!
I am sorry your health is not good, but are you worried about how the stress you are experiencing might exacerbate your conditions? I mean, if he physically hurts you, it's dangerous too.
I think I read somewhere that most women who try to leave abusive relationships go back seven times before they leave for good. I hope you stay safe!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there IS NO relationship......there is simply parasite and host.
maybe you never felt you were good enough for your mom, but you are a full grown adult now. you have children who need a steady engaged parent that puts them first, always. if the focus is always on HIM, coming, going, stealing, hunting, cheating, lying, then the children do not feel "good enough" to be more important than HIM. you wanna break the cycle? then break the cycle.......
maybe you never felt you were good enough for your mom, but you are a full grown adult now. you have children who need a steady engaged parent that puts them first, always. if the focus is always on HIM, coming, going, stealing, hunting, cheating, lying, then the children do not feel "good enough" to be more important than HIM. you wanna break the cycle? then break the cycle.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 21
He's an addict. He's not paying you back anything. All his money will go for dope.You are unfortunately teaching him how to treat you by allowing it. I pray for your safety before he kills you. With the rage that you've already seen, it can only escalate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My therapist says I was never good enough for my mom and that is what makes me stay.
Has your therapist suggested you contact a domestic abuse counselor?
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−7233
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My therapist is from my local abused persons program. She is very understanding but does not give me concrete steps to take which I think I need.
I had a friend who was talking with someone from a local abused women’s shelter because her husband was abusing her. She didn’t want to leave her husband she wanted help in getting him to stop his abuse. Turns out the concrete steps she was given didn’t really matter because she was unwilling to take the very first one.
What do concrete steps look like to you? Do they involve him having to do something or do they involve only you having to do something?
I had a friend who was talking with someone from a local abused women’s shelter because her husband was abusing her. She didn’t want to leave her husband she wanted help in getting him to stop his abuse. Turns out the concrete steps she was given didn’t really matter because she was unwilling to take the very first one.
What do concrete steps look like to you? Do they involve him having to do something or do they involve only you having to do something?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My old standby applies here. You cannot control someone else's actions, only your own reactions. Are you focusing on what YOU should do with your therapist? Are you going in and stating that you want to change your own life and what steps can you take to move forward?
You won't ever be able to make him well. However, you can form a plan and move forward for yourself and your children.
Big hugs, we are here to support you!
You won't ever be able to make him well. However, you can form a plan and move forward for yourself and your children.
Big hugs, we are here to support you!
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