Sad, need encouragement
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 29
Sad, need encouragement
My divorce from my ExAH was finalized in April. We share 3 sons, 3.5 years old & twins that are 15 months old. His DOC was crack & I dealt with a lot of lies, stealing, manipulation, emotional/ verbal abuse. I left him a little more than a year ago when my twins were only a few months old. Overall, I feel like I have made great strides in my recovery...overall feeling positive, providing my kids with a safe & stable environment, trying to attend Al-Anon regularly. My ex has supervised visitation & he passed his first quarterly hair test in July. He has been really easy to co-parent with lately, has stopped the abusive texts & emails, we even took our kids on an outing together. He is with someone new.
I feel like since he has been acting like his “nice, normal” self, I have felt more sad & guilty. The past few days I just feel like crying about our marriage not working out. I miss having a partner. I feel like everywhere I go, I see happy couples & I want a companion to share my life with. I even have thoughts about if my ex & I could ever work things out. It is hard being a single mom, even with all of the support I have. I feel lonely right now.
I know these are just feelings that will pass. I feel discouraged that I have regressed so much mentally & emotionally. I haven’t been to a meeting for almost a month so not sure if that is part of the problem. Just wanted to get my feelings out. Any words of wisdom on how you make it through the tough times is appreciated. Also, how can I stop obsessing about if I will be single forever...I am trying to focus on myself & my kids & know the right person will enter my life at the right time...but I enjoy being in a relationship. Is this my codependency issues???
I feel like since he has been acting like his “nice, normal” self, I have felt more sad & guilty. The past few days I just feel like crying about our marriage not working out. I miss having a partner. I feel like everywhere I go, I see happy couples & I want a companion to share my life with. I even have thoughts about if my ex & I could ever work things out. It is hard being a single mom, even with all of the support I have. I feel lonely right now.
I know these are just feelings that will pass. I feel discouraged that I have regressed so much mentally & emotionally. I haven’t been to a meeting for almost a month so not sure if that is part of the problem. Just wanted to get my feelings out. Any words of wisdom on how you make it through the tough times is appreciated. Also, how can I stop obsessing about if I will be single forever...I am trying to focus on myself & my kids & know the right person will enter my life at the right time...but I enjoy being in a relationship. Is this my codependency issues???
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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I have a good friend in a very similar situation. While you hope the best for your former partner and their recovery, it can be extremely difficult to watch them doing better without you. My friend struggles with feelings of resentment that if only he could've done all this while he was with her, their marriage would've survived and she wouldn't be in the same spot you are: happily focusing on her kids, but wondering what the future holds for her in terms of romantic fulfillment. While she was married, she was miserable watching her (now ex) husband self-destruct before her eyes. Now she, like you, feels a crushing sense of nostalgia for the days before the addiction.
I would tell you what I tell her: circumstances unfolded as they did, and no amount of wishful thinking or romanticizing/glamorizing the past will change what happened. They both moved forward with their lives, and must keep moving forward; attempting to go back would not be wise for either of them.
As far as future romance and partnership, of course it's possible! Especially the world we live in now, where "unconventional" relationships aren't even considered unconventional anymore. My friend expresses a feeling kind of like she has been "branded"/tainted for having 3 kids and a divorce in her early 30s, and I sometimes have to remind her just how blessed she is to have those beautiful children and to have learned so much from such a difficult time! Any man worth his salt would value that kind of wisdom and life experience.
It will happen for you - just keep taking steps forward, and reach out for support when you need it
I would tell you what I tell her: circumstances unfolded as they did, and no amount of wishful thinking or romanticizing/glamorizing the past will change what happened. They both moved forward with their lives, and must keep moving forward; attempting to go back would not be wise for either of them.
As far as future romance and partnership, of course it's possible! Especially the world we live in now, where "unconventional" relationships aren't even considered unconventional anymore. My friend expresses a feeling kind of like she has been "branded"/tainted for having 3 kids and a divorce in her early 30s, and I sometimes have to remind her just how blessed she is to have those beautiful children and to have learned so much from such a difficult time! Any man worth his salt would value that kind of wisdom and life experience.
It will happen for you - just keep taking steps forward, and reach out for support when you need it
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He has been really easy to co-parent with lately, has stopped the abusive texts & emails, we even took our kids on an outing together. He is with someone new.
the above in and of itself is really a blessing, isn't it? it may be that while you were not good TOGETHER as a couple, you CAN be good parents to the children.
my first ex, my daughter's dad, we actually did much better as divorced people sharing the care of our daughter than we ever did together. in fact some people said we had a better divorce than many marriages.
if it makes him a better parent, for now, that is ok.
you have not regressed, hon....you are just feeling your feelings.
the above in and of itself is really a blessing, isn't it? it may be that while you were not good TOGETHER as a couple, you CAN be good parents to the children.
my first ex, my daughter's dad, we actually did much better as divorced people sharing the care of our daughter than we ever did together. in fact some people said we had a better divorce than many marriages.
if it makes him a better parent, for now, that is ok.
you have not regressed, hon....you are just feeling your feelings.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by betnp3 
I miss having a partner. I feel like everywhere I go, I see happy couples & I want a companion to share my life with. I even have thoughts about if my ex & I could ever work things out. It is hard being a single mom, even with all of the support I have. I feel lonely right now.
I had honestly not ever been without a relationship for long, and I had no idea how to live as a single parent and be happy. Night time was the worst for me.
I've done some dating here and there. Nothing ever worked out which is okay by me. I've come to see myself as a pretty neat gal with a lot of good things to contribute to this world. I enjoy being on my own.
Sending you lots of hugs of support from Kansas!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by VigilanceNow
I have a good friend in a very similar situation. While you hope the best for your former partner and their recovery, it can be extremely difficult to watch them doing better without you. My friend struggles with feelings of resentment that if only he could've done all this while he was with her, their marriage would've survived and she wouldn't be in the same spot you are: happily focusing on her kids, but wondering what the future holds for her in terms of romantic fulfillment. While she was married, she was miserable watching her (now ex) husband self-destruct before her eyes. Now she, like you, feels a crushing sense of nostalgia for the days before the addiction.
I would tell you what I tell her: circumstances unfolded as they did, and no amount of wishful thinking or romanticizing/glamorizing the past will change what happened. They both moved forward with their lives, and must keep moving forward; attempting to go back would not be wise for either of them.
As far as future romance and partnership, of course it's possible! Especially the world we live in now, where "unconventional" relationships aren't even considered unconventional anymore. My friend expresses a feeling kind of like she has been "branded"/tainted for having 3 kids and a divorce in her early 30s, and I sometimes have to remind her just how blessed she is to have those beautiful children and to have learned so much from such a difficult time! Any man worth his salt would value that kind of wisdom and life experience.
It will happen for you - just keep taking steps forward, and reach out for support when you need it
I would tell you what I tell her: circumstances unfolded as they did, and no amount of wishful thinking or romanticizing/glamorizing the past will change what happened. They both moved forward with their lives, and must keep moving forward; attempting to go back would not be wise for either of them.
As far as future romance and partnership, of course it's possible! Especially the world we live in now, where "unconventional" relationships aren't even considered unconventional anymore. My friend expresses a feeling kind of like she has been "branded"/tainted for having 3 kids and a divorce in her early 30s, and I sometimes have to remind her just how blessed she is to have those beautiful children and to have learned so much from such a difficult time! Any man worth his salt would value that kind of wisdom and life experience.
It will happen for you - just keep taking steps forward, and reach out for support when you need it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
He has been really easy to co-parent with lately, has stopped the abusive texts & emails, we even took our kids on an outing together. He is with someone new.
the above in and of itself is really a blessing, isn't it? it may be that while you were not good TOGETHER as a couple, you CAN be good parents to the children.
my first ex, my daughter's dad, we actually did much better as divorced people sharing the care of our daughter than we ever did together. in fact some people said we had a better divorce than many marriages.
if it makes him a better parent, for now, that is ok.
you have not regressed, hon....you are just feeling your feelings.
the above in and of itself is really a blessing, isn't it? it may be that while you were not good TOGETHER as a couple, you CAN be good parents to the children.
my first ex, my daughter's dad, we actually did much better as divorced people sharing the care of our daughter than we ever did together. in fact some people said we had a better divorce than many marriages.
if it makes him a better parent, for now, that is ok.
you have not regressed, hon....you are just feeling your feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
After my ex-fiance walked out on me and I decided to really dig into my codependency issues, I felt exactly like this! It will pass, but you have to walk through it to get to the other side.
I had honestly not ever been without a relationship for long, and I had no idea how to live as a single parent and be happy. Night time was the worst for me.
I've done some dating here and there. Nothing ever worked out which is okay by me. I've come to see myself as a pretty neat gal with a lot of good things to contribute to this world. I enjoy being on my own.
Sending you lots of hugs of support from Kansas!
I had honestly not ever been without a relationship for long, and I had no idea how to live as a single parent and be happy. Night time was the worst for me.
I've done some dating here and there. Nothing ever worked out which is okay by me. I've come to see myself as a pretty neat gal with a lot of good things to contribute to this world. I enjoy being on my own.
Sending you lots of hugs of support from Kansas!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
betnp3: Here's a big hug for you: (((((hug))))).
Now, being a single mom is TOUGH...no getting around that! And, it sounds like life is a bit hard right now. But, you are doing the right things for yourself and your kids. I know it's hard to do all that without a good partner...but you're doing it and it will pay off in the long run. In the romance dept., just hang in there. You may be a little gun shy about getting involved with anyone ever again and that's understandable....or you may really DESIRE to be in a relationship because you're craving that affection from another adult who can give it and you're lonely for companionship. But going forward be very very picky. I'm sure you are. Try not to think about who your ex might be with and how he's doing; block it out....that's not good stuff to have in your head space.
Now, being a single mom is TOUGH...no getting around that! And, it sounds like life is a bit hard right now. But, you are doing the right things for yourself and your kids. I know it's hard to do all that without a good partner...but you're doing it and it will pay off in the long run. In the romance dept., just hang in there. You may be a little gun shy about getting involved with anyone ever again and that's understandable....or you may really DESIRE to be in a relationship because you're craving that affection from another adult who can give it and you're lonely for companionship. But going forward be very very picky. I'm sure you are. Try not to think about who your ex might be with and how he's doing; block it out....that's not good stuff to have in your head space.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by betnp3
The past few days I just feel like crying about our marriage not working out. I miss having a partner. I feel like everywhere I go, I see happy couples & I want a companion to share my life with. I even have thoughts about if my ex & I could ever work things out. It is hard being a single mom, even with all of the support I have. I feel lonely right now.
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