coffeespoon

My brother was kicked out of rehab this week. He’d been there for 6 weeks after spending a month in jail for stealing from my parents. Last week when I talked to him he sounded like he was doing well, now I find out he got his third strike for breaking the rules (behavior stuff, not drugs that I know of) and they kicked him out. My parents went to pick him up and now he’s staying with them. Or was. He disappeared today and I have my guess as to where he is and what he’s doing. I’m at a loss as to what to do. He shouldn’t stay with my parents because he steals, lies and abuses them. Do I tell my parents to stop enabling him by rescuing him from every crisis and let him sleep on the street? He will go back to crack and meth and whatever else he can find. We’ve been on this rollercoaster for almost 10 years. It’s about to kill my parents, who are burdened with caring for his kids while he goes off on another bender. I expect he will wind up back in jail or worse. I have no idea what to do.

I guess I can’t really do anything, he has to make his own choices and he’s chosen drugs. We live in a rural area with little access to support services or shelters, so there’s nowhere I could take him even if he was willing to go.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? I feel so lost. Any advice SR?

Freedom1990

Coffeespoon, I am sorry to hear about your brother.

I would like to give you my perspective as a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic. My parents almost loved me to death. They were my best enablers.

It wasn't till I was face down in the dirt with no one to pick me up that I finally hit a bottom.

I hope you continue to post, and I'm sending you hugs of support.

Anaya

I'll send hugs and support as well.

My son, who had been in trouble with the law, was violent and threatening toward family members and others, all while under the influence of drugs and alcohol, is now responsible for himself and has been for years.

It's extremely difficult at times to stand back and let a person in that position face consequences; as a parent, there's that urge, or should I say guilt-driven compulsion to try and save the person in trouble over and over again.

The pain of watching him fall and not picking him up could be searing at times; yet with support and healing on our end, in time, our family got through.

Maudcat

Hi, coffeespoon.
Welcome.
What do your parents think and what will they do?
Are they ready to say no more, change the locks, call the police when (not if) he shows up?
What happens next really depends on their ability to finally let him fall, and, in my experience, that is a very tough thing for parents to do.
Good luck.

hopeful4

My advise would be to let go and let God. An addict won't recover until they want it for themselves. Be a support system to the kids as this has to be so hard for them. Tell the parents to stop enabling him. My other thought is just b/c you live in a rural area does not mean he has to stay there. If he wants recovery it sounds like he would be a good candidate for Salvation Army or Teen Challenge in a long term program, even if that means traveling to get there.

This is of course just my two cents. I say this kindly because I know it's so painful. I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.

atalose

So sorry for your heart wrenching situation but if support is limited in your area I do hope you stick around here at SR and keep posting.

Much like you cannot control your brother you cannot control your parents. If your parents are caring for his children and allowing him back knowing he’s back on drugs, child services may be the only wakeup call for them and the only chance for those children.

coffeespoon

Thanks for the support and advice, everyone. I don’t know how things will ultimately end up, but it seems like my parents are wanting to give him another chance for now. Apparently he has been acting like a sane, sober person since he got home a couple days ago. Maybe his 2 months there did him some good... I just hope he can stay sober now that he’s back around all the old stressors and environment. I keep waiting for the usual blow up that always comes, but for now I will count my blessings that he’s been sober for 100 days and says he wants to stay that way.

The kids are ok - if things get dangerous or he relapses my parents will call the cops and kick him out, they have before.

I am going to see him this weekend. Nervous about it, but if he’s honestly trying to stay sober and committed to recovery even though he’s not in inpatient rehab anymore I will try to support him. Maybe he will be less delusional and crazy now that he’s had a few months away from crack and meth. I have no illusions about how likely relapse is though. I will not give him money or otherwise enable him. If he does something stupid I will not save him from the consequences, and I have told my Mom she should do the same, although I know it’s harder for her. I will try to take him to a NA meeting if he’s willing. Wish me luck.

Thanks for listening, SR folks. I do plan on sticking close, this site has been a real lifeline for me during all this madness. It gives me such relief to read other people’s stories and know I’m not alone in this experience. Hugs and support to all of you.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Coffee, I am the "Mom" who was enabling my son from age 20 to 25 by rescuing him, covering for his lies, buying my own property back(!), hiding his drugs, and just about everything else you can think of to "save" him. He stole everything right under our own nose and one day I finally realized that he could not be saved by my love. He went to jail two times for theft and burglary from our home. even two stints in jail and multiple times in rehab did not make the difference. It wasn't until I actually detached and let him go and make his own choices, that I started to notice a difference. He no longer asked me to help him and I no longer anticipated his next move and what I needed to do. The truth is, it was liberating!!!! My son is 13 months sober and now 28. He himself is choosing his actions and we enjoy our visits without the elephant in the room (the addiction). I hope that your brother continues to seek his sobriety. It is very hard as the parent not to want to "help", but with addiction, it never is help it is enabling. Hang in there, read about our stories, the families here have all walked miles with our addicts and can relate to your situation.
Hugs
TT

coffeespoon

Thanks, Ilovemysonjj. It’s really good to hear your story, and I’m happy to hear that your son has been clean and sober for so long. It gives me much needed hope.

My parents were in denial for years and years, believing that my brother’s erratic behavior was a personality flaw - he hid his addiction well enough that they could avoid confronting it. Who really wants to believe their child has been on crack for years without them realizing it? When you could choose to believe he’s just an a-hole instead.

The final straw was when he stole a lot of money from them and blew it all on a drug-fueled delusional fantasy. It was so unbelievable that only drugs or mental illness could explain it. Maybe it was really a cry for help. The cops got involved and he went to jail, which was a whole other rabbit hole of misery for all of us. Turns out the US justice system is a mess that’s designed to turn a profit, not to help rehabilitate offenders or support victims. Surprise!

A half dozen lawyers and thousands of dollars later, we finally got him placed in a decent rehab program. But he still believed the rules shouldn’t apply to him, which led to him getting kicked out. His counselor told us that with his attitude, he clearly hadn’t hit bottom yet and wasn’t ready for rehab.

He says he’s found God and wants to stay sober. I hope that is true. I guess we’ll see. Until then I’m trying to “let go and let God” as they say.

Thanks again for sharing your story. Hugs and support to you.

Dee74

best wishes for your brother and your family coffeespoon

D

Kindeyes

Coffee spoon
I was a gold medal enabling mother. I’m not sure which is more difficult:
Being the addict
Being the enabler
Being the person who watches the dance of the addict and enabler

Truth is....it’s all difficult.

I had to let go. I moved away. Far away. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and him. He is 3+ years clean and sober now. He has a great job and a loving partner and a precious daughter.

Your brother has the tools. But only he can decide to use them.

Take care of you.

Gentle hugs
ke