My update
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My update
My qualifier is my 30 year old daughter. Her IV opiate addiction started in '07 and, to the best of my knowledge, she's been on the recovery road for about 8 years now. She continues to put her life back together slowly and methodically, with appropriate help from us when needed and asked for (that means no enabling 
)
She recently kicked her fiance out when he relapsed. She did it with love for both of them, though it was very painful. Her survival instincts are intact and she's not relapsed on taking him back nor with drugs to cope. He's been clean for two months now, but she knows that's not enough time to even consider a future again. She has my respect and admiration more than I can ever express.
As for me, my entire world changed because of her, and for the better. Talk about strangely wrapped gifts! Toxic people are no longer a part of my life, or at the very least, they are kept at a safe distance and loved from afar. They have their struggles, which do not belong to me and are not mine to fix. I've chosen to continue fixing me.
I've unraveled over a century of family issues. I'm Native American so what I've learned starts before the reservation system. I never grew up on one, but some family did. Many were shipped off to those horrid sadistic Indian boarding schools. Each generation affected the next, good and bad. Survival came in many shapes with coping skills, good or bad, developed on the fly.
There's been a lot to unravel, about what has shaped me, and what ultimately lead me to becoming my daughter's worst enabler.
When I first came here, I read "work the program you wish they would" several times. Be a part of the solution, or be a part of the problem. I took the advice, and I thank you all forever. She started paying attention to my actions, not my words. Then she began her own road to recovery.
Her rehab had advised us parents to stop parenting our adult addict children. Simply, you can't parent an active addict. Regardless of drugs, you can't make them listen anyway. She listens now, but I always "wait for the question." That was another thing rehab told us -- wait for the question. Stop pushing, stop telling, stop trying to control.
I've learned that, like most parents, I'm always going to worry a little about my adult children. I'm always going to react but now I'm in charge of my responses. I own them, they no longer own me. If I find myself on another dark road, I'll be back here soaking up some recovery and back in my therapists office.
I own my life now and that's about all I can handle
)She recently kicked her fiance out when he relapsed. She did it with love for both of them, though it was very painful. Her survival instincts are intact and she's not relapsed on taking him back nor with drugs to cope. He's been clean for two months now, but she knows that's not enough time to even consider a future again. She has my respect and admiration more than I can ever express.
As for me, my entire world changed because of her, and for the better. Talk about strangely wrapped gifts! Toxic people are no longer a part of my life, or at the very least, they are kept at a safe distance and loved from afar. They have their struggles, which do not belong to me and are not mine to fix. I've chosen to continue fixing me.
I've unraveled over a century of family issues. I'm Native American so what I've learned starts before the reservation system. I never grew up on one, but some family did. Many were shipped off to those horrid sadistic Indian boarding schools. Each generation affected the next, good and bad. Survival came in many shapes with coping skills, good or bad, developed on the fly.
There's been a lot to unravel, about what has shaped me, and what ultimately lead me to becoming my daughter's worst enabler.
When I first came here, I read "work the program you wish they would" several times. Be a part of the solution, or be a part of the problem. I took the advice, and I thank you all forever. She started paying attention to my actions, not my words. Then she began her own road to recovery.
Her rehab had advised us parents to stop parenting our adult addict children. Simply, you can't parent an active addict. Regardless of drugs, you can't make them listen anyway. She listens now, but I always "wait for the question." That was another thing rehab told us -- wait for the question. Stop pushing, stop telling, stop trying to control.
I've learned that, like most parents, I'm always going to worry a little about my adult children. I'm always going to react but now I'm in charge of my responses. I own them, they no longer own me. If I find myself on another dark road, I'll be back here soaking up some recovery and back in my therapists office.
I own my life now and that's about all I can handle
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Another one that I always hear ringing in my head is: if you can't say NO, then you have no business dating, getting married, having children, etc.
Everything I learned because of my daughter has applied to all facets of my life. Codie behaviors and habits are maladaptive behaviors, as much as substance abuse and addiction. They are hard habits to break and replace with healthier means of coping and functioning.
I do want to make clear that I'm not suggesting I had anything to do with my daughter's recovery. All I did was learn how to get out of her way so that she could find her own path. I was just as toxic as she was. There was no way our relationship would survive if I didn't also clean up my act, my side of the street.
This change hasn't been easy at all and it's ongoing, probably for the rest of my life. But I'm worth it!!!
Everything I learned because of my daughter has applied to all facets of my life. Codie behaviors and habits are maladaptive behaviors, as much as substance abuse and addiction. They are hard habits to break and replace with healthier means of coping and functioning.
I do want to make clear that I'm not suggesting I had anything to do with my daughter's recovery. All I did was learn how to get out of her way so that she could find her own path. I was just as toxic as she was. There was no way our relationship would survive if I didn't also clean up my act, my side of the street.
This change hasn't been easy at all and it's ongoing, probably for the rest of my life. But I'm worth it!!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. Chino your post is wonderful. If only everyone would apply this in their lives it would be so much better. Thank you for sharing. I am impressed by your daughter's strength and am so glad she found the strength to do the right thing without any relapse for herself. I am also impressed by your strength and not only knowing what to do, but actually applying that in your relationships. That is where my struggle is so many times, following through! While my child is not an addict, there are some conflicts happening and I think everything you said applies to my conflict as well.
You have motivated me today, thank you!
You have motivated me today, thank you!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Chino - what a helpful post!
I have not been so diligent and have paid the price. I appreciate your sharing "Work your program like you wish they would", stop parenting adults and wait for the question - perfect advice for me in my most recent chapter with my addict. Thanks!
I have not been so diligent and have paid the price. I appreciate your sharing "Work your program like you wish they would", stop parenting adults and wait for the question - perfect advice for me in my most recent chapter with my addict. Thanks!
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