Hurt and Confused
 

My ex of a year and a half broke up with me 6 months ago. We always had a rocky relationship because I always felt like he was hiding something from me. He was very forgetful, had stomach issues, had issues sleeping, and was just very hard to understand. He wasnt too bad until I broke up with him the first time. I did this in the Hope's that he would fight to fix things. He didnt. He walked out and then became really mean. He was back and forth with me. One day he would want to be with me and the next he treated me like I was a piece of gum on his shoe. He was talking to an ex from years ago at this time. Anyways, he just acted so different than who he was. We got back together after a month and he was so different. His sickness seemed to get worse. He was distant and not just from me, everyone. Well, we argued a lot because I caught him in stupid lies and he would forget basically everything that we had discussed and he became very very into gaming. He would spend 10 hours a day gaming and almost never sleep. Most nights he would sleep for four hours. We started to fight a lot. He broke up qith me 3 days before my birthday and while I was sick. He said I was his world but he couldn't handle my **** and that I was the woman he wanted to spend his life with but I hated everything about him. I love and loved this man more than anything in the world but something wasnt right. 2 months after the breakup he said he loved me, missed me, and wanted to get back together. Then, again, said he couldn't commit to it. Ik said I deserved commitment. He blocked me. A week later I found out about the drugs from a mutual friend. I asked him about it through social media. He got defensive and blocked me. I haven't heard from him in four months. I still talk to his mom, who says he doesnt talk to anyone. He isnt he same person and I'm so confused. This man said he wanted me to be the mother of his children and that he would never leave but he did.. and then I found out about the drugs. I feel like our entire relationship was shifted when I found out about the drugs. I want to fix things but he wont even talk to me. Anyone have any advice on how to heal or how to deal with this?

Good morning, Mistijen, Welcome to SR!

First, I'm just so sorry you are hurting from the breakup with this man you love. It is horrifying what addiction turns a kind loving person into.

The sad and unfortunate truth is that he will not seek recovery unless and until *he* decides it's a problem. I wish I had magic words to tell you to get him to realize what he is doing and turn his life around, but I don't. There are none.

I have family members and friends who are active in their alcoholism and drug addiction. The only thing I can do is tell them I love them, encourage them when I can to do the next right thing, and pray that someday they will reach out and work for sobriety with everything they have.

Sending light and good thoughts to your ex and to you! Hang in there... :)

So you made public on social media that he had a drug issue and you wonder why he got defensive and blocked you? I certainly would have to!

One of my biggest pet peeves is shaming people via social media! It’s wrong, it’s mean spirited and petty.

He ended it, move on!

Ending hurt and are painful but the longer we attempt to hold on to someone who doesn’t want to be held the longer we prevent ourselves from healing.

It always hurts to find out someone you cared about isn't what you thought they were.

Confusion is almost always about a fear we are not willing to face. In all the recovery literature, it talks about the 12 steps. This might be a really good time to visit them - not to judge yourself but to free yourself.

What do you fear that keeps to connected to such an obviously "emotionally unavailable" man? Addicts are incapable of true relationship and after the fighting starts it just gets worse.

I would like to suggest that it would be more productive to find out something about yourself and how to accomplish what is important to you - and then think about who you want to be with.

And - maybe think about how it is that you "love" this man so much after such a history of back and forth, lies, drugs, fighting, etc. Relationships are hard, but they are not supposed to be THAT hard. Healthy relationships happen when 2 people care as much about the other as they do themselves, have healthy boundaries and good interpersonal skills. Sounds like this relationship has been missing all three since it began.

Work on you and you'll find all the love you need to share a life with someone who is capable of the same.

All the best.