StuckAndLost

Hello everyone! I would first like to say that I am new to the forum but I have been reading posts on here for a couple years. I never built up the courage to post but I believe that I truly need to find some support and talk with people who understand what i am going though. I am the sole parent to my daughter so i dont have the time to go to meetings in my area.

I dont think I am ready to share the whole story yet but i would like some guidance on where to go from here. So here it goes..

My (ex?) boyfiend has been sober a little over a year now. Working on steps, going to a ton of meetings and keeping in touch with his sponsor. A couple weeks ago, he had a low night and we got into an argument. Apparently his sponsor blew him off and didnt call back that night. So he decided he didnt want anything to do with him. He wanted to find a new sponsor. But the meetings he was going to was with his sponsor so he stopped going to those. I kept urging him to find new meetings and he kept saying he will. He started picking up a ton of shifts at work so he was working all day long, 6 days a week.

Three days ago, we went to visit his family so they can see our daughter. He was in the bathroom for awhile. After, i went in and found a piece of paper on the ground with white powder on it. I brought it up to him and he said it was probably his cousin’s. He comes from a family of addicts and alcoholics but i thought it would be okay to stop over since the cousin he used to use with was in jail. So i looked past it. Two nights ago, we were at the store and i told him his eyes were very dilated. He said he doesnt know why but he noticed that as well. Then he started acting funny. We were supposed to go to his moms yesterday so i asked when i should pick him up (he lives at a sober house). He started rambling on about my daughters stroller. I asked him where that came from, i didnt bring up her stroller and he said i brought up her carseat.. i didnt. He started sweating but almost like a cold sweat. After i dropped him off, he said he got sick and the symptoms sounded like food poisoning so i brought that up but he was still acting weird. Ive been through this to many times with him and i know how he is when hes high.. so i contacted his mom and told her the story and that we wouldnt be able to make it out. And then i got ahold of his house manager and let him know so he said he would talk with him. He started giving me all the excuses i have heard before about why he isnt using and wouldnt go down that road. So i stopped talking to him. Its been two days and he hasnt tried to get ahold of me or to see his daughter. Im tired of going down this road with him. My daughter is getting to the age where she is going to start realizing things like this. Im so lost. I want to just walk away from it all but everytime, he gets clean and comes crawling back i forgive him thinking this time will be different. I think of my daughter and how badly i want her to have the best life she can and to be with her sober daddy having fun and she cant do that. I wanted so bad to be a family and she have both parents in a loving home. Im so torn. I dont want to go down this road anymore. I want to be strong enough for her and me to just walk away but he is so genuine and the best dad when hes sober. Im nervous about the legal side of things also. I dont want him to try to get split custody because i dont trust him when hes high. I dont want her around his family that uses because of how they act and what they say. Im afraid they will corrupt her. If he is using again, thats where he will go. And before i get accused of taking her over there, i took her to go see his grandmother that is very genuine and has never done drugs. It just so happens when his cousins have nowhere to go, they go there. Because his grandmother is so sweet and wants to see the best in people, shes almost like an enabler. Please help!!!!! I dont know what to do and am so lost!!

Ann

But things aren't different are they? Your concern for your daughter is well founded and I pray that you can rise above your own pain and fears and get her to a safe environment that does not include drugs or addiction.

What you are seeing is real, no matter what his explanation. You KNOW what you KNOW and now it's time to find the courage to get yourself and your daughter to a healthy environment.

I am glad you came in from the shadows and joined us, and I hope you will read around and stay for the support and comfort you may need.

The pain of leaving a relationship that includes addiction is deep and crushing. But dear lady, staying is ever so much worst.

I am cheering you on and glad you are here.

atalose

Then be that person! Become that person! Because the person you have been, the person constantly believing lies, miss truths and manipulation is not doing your daughter any good.

And he is no longer sober (AGAIN), your eyes witness that, your ears hear that and it’s just a repeat performance from the past. Each and every single time you take him back, play house and try and make things nice and normal, you’ve taught him that he can continue to screw up, to drink and drug because you will always take him back. Why would he change when things seem to always work out for him?

Ask yourself this, how much sober time has he actually had during the course of your child’s life? I know someone who used to use the excuse that she couldn’t leave because he was such a great dad when he was sober. Her child was 3 and in that time period he managed to pull together maybe a year in total. She could never define what made her think he was a great dad other than to just say those words.

trailmix

Hi stuckandlost, sorry you are in such a tough situation.

First things first! You won't get any "accusations" here, SR is a place for support, not a place for laying blame!

I'm glad you posted.

You have already received some good advice. What I would recommend is that you just stop. Stop for a minute. Look around. Really, really look at where you are. Let it sink in.

We can get so caught up in rushing around, putting out fires, doing this - this and that and running our lives that we don't stop and say - hang on, is THIS what I want?

Ask yourself that. Is this what you want for you and your Daughter?

It's also important not to base your decisions on his potential. He may very well have some good attributes and he may very well have potential to be a great Father, that's not the truth of the matter right now.

You're gut feeling about exposing your Daughter to all this is spot on. This is a very unhealthy dynamic for her, it teaches her all the wrong things about life and relationships, I hope you will protect her from that.

As for the custody issue, please find yourself a lawyer and have a consultation. Many lawyers give a free or low cost first consultation. Find out what your rights and obligations are. Right now you are running on fear with that, once you have the facts you will know what your options are.

teatreeoil007

Aww hon, you're in a tough place. I'm glad you've posted though. This forum has been suck a great help to many. The folks here have really been through it.

Well, it sounds like "grandma" doesn't know how to put her foot down with addiction and yes, she is a big enabler. People like that CAN be very sweet and love everyone and see the good in everyone....but they can also be chief enablers. So there's that to think about and you are right about that.

Your boyfriend, (ex?) has shown that he relapses and keep crawling back time after time. Let the evidence speak for itself. YOU know when he's using, no matter what he says. Don't ignore your knowledge; it's very powerful.

I think right now, it's good he's in sober living, but maybe he needs more than just that. I don't know what his recovery program looks like aside from that. Addicts need to be held accountable. It becomes very wearisome very quickly if you are the one to try and hold them accountable. That's why you need to detach and focus on yourself and your child.

StuckAndLost

Thank you all so much for your replies! Its so nice to see how many people know what im going through and can offer more knowledge about this. I know what needs to be done. I just need to fight the urge to go back to that. My daughter doesnt deserve this. I dont want her to grow up and follow in his footsteps.

Also, apparently his house manager drug tested the whole house last night and everyone came back clean. Does anyone know if pills (i dont know what kind) can be out of your system within 2 days?

atalose

I know my ex used to pass drug tests all the time because he had a prescription for the pills from a Dr. Xanax, Valium, benzo’s you name it and he had a prescription So if anything showed up in his tests, he had a built in excuse.

atalose

And this was according to him? He told you this or did you speak directly to the house manager yourself?

tomsteve

was it the house manager that told ya this?

edit:
didnt see atalose already addressed this before replying.

StuckAndLost

He doesnt have a prescription for anything so that wouldnt be the case. Also, i talked with the house manager but i have also talked with a guy that used to live there and he told me that the house manager only cares about money so he would protect any of the guys there, especially my ex. But i have seen him kick many people out for that. So i dont know..

trailmix

I don't know anything about sober living facilities but this all sounds wonky to me.

The fact you found the paper with the powder at his Mom's was not a cousin thing.

He looks and seems stoned = he is stoned.

So then his house manager actually speaks to you and gives you the results of his drug test? Did you BF have to approve this conversation? How does that work, giving a third party information.

Plus he didn't even just give you info on your BF, he told you the whole house came back clean? Is none of this information confidential?

Are you sure you were talking to the house manager?

teatreeoil007

People squeeze by urine drug tests all the time. Meth, speed, coke are out the system within a couple of days; benzos 2-3 days; opiates 3-5 days, pot up to 90 days. (from what I know).

But here's the kicker. YOU know if he's been using, even if you don't do a drug test right there and then. Look at his eyes, his body and hand movements. Look at the other evidence. You, as his girlfriend are naturally going to try to overlook this evidence and give him the benefit of the doubt....YET....it's still screaming at you...

My point is, you don't need to get a positive urine test for you to know if he's been using or not. You know.

StuckAndLost

Im pretty sure it was the house manager. He has an office phone that he keeps in his room (he lives there as well) bit its a cellphone. I dont think he would have access to it but i could be wrong. I see all the signs and i know what i know. I guess i just need to do more research on relapse. Hes been sober for a year and been doing what he needed to do up until recently. I just don’t understand how everything could switch just like that. I dont get why he would go back down thatroad when he has so much to lose now. But i guess thats what addiction does to someone. Thank you all so much for your support!

StuckAndLost

Trailmix, i just wanted to clear things up as well. That paper i found was at his grandmothers house, where his cousins are living at the moment. So it would somewhat make sense but for the fact that he came out of the bathroom right before i saw it, i thought was suspicious. But that isnt my biggest concern. Its how he was acting the day after and not making sense. I greatly appreciate your knowledge😊 thank you so much!

teatreeoil007

You're welcome, and I'm sorry you're going through this....it's hard and stressful. Have you done anything nice for yourself today? I hope so...

atalose

What I discovered with my ex was that when I thought/assumed he was clean/sober because he was doing all the things he was supposed to be doing like meetings, talking with a sponsor he was actually using and hiding it pretty well until he no longer could hide it.

I look back now and think that I bought into most of what he was “saying” and wrote off and ignored “actions” because that was part of my own denial. If I actually had to act on what I was seeing by leaving the relationship my confusion, anxiety and fear over whelmed me so it was far easier to believe the words and justify his actions.

My ex also went into a sober living house after a long stay in rehab. He was only there for a couple of months but he said most of the guys were still using. Some had prescriptions for pills and would sell them to the other guys in exchange for something else. In his two months there he was never drug tested and the only qualifications anyone needed to remain there was money and a desire to get clean, go to a few meetings a week and sit through a weekly meeting they held at the house.

As for not understanding how he could go back to using knowing how much he could lose, think of it like this. Addiction lives in the same part of their brain that tells them to breath. Wanting an addict to stop using is similar to asking them to stop breathing. Sure they may hold their breath for a short period of time but that need to gasp for air will always be there.

hopeful4

My thought is that your daughter and her well being have to be #1 at all times. Is her being around a user or even potential user something that is good for her? I don't mean to sound callous because I know it's hard, however, with children involved they must be #1.

Big hugs.