ichooseme6

Hello, I am a long-time lurker but this is my first post. I have known my boyfriend (fiance?) for over 15 years. For 10 of those, he's been a heroin addict. We met when we were in high school. He was very smart, he got a full ride to an ivy league school, and he treated me with respect, kindness, and he was careful. When he started using, I didn't understand what that meant. I was 22 at the time and fresh out of college, uncertain of what I wanted to do with my life. But I understood that heroin was bad--we had broken up before I found out he was using--and I was very career-minded and focused on myself. I was successful for several years, and I had relationships that were happy, but he was always in the back of my mind. Every relationship fizzled out because my unresolved feelings for him always crept in. I idealized what we had. Three years ago, after not seeing each other for long period of time, we were in our hometown at the same time. We hooked up. Since then, it's been a whirlwind. In fact, it's so exhausting of a story that sitting here thinking about typing it has made me stop, start, stop, start, stop, and then start again after I negotiated with myself and agreed to write an abbreviated version. And it's one that's familiar to many of you. I feel pain and sadness that I was never enough for him to stop using. I feel anger towards his parents for enabling him, for giving him lump sums of money--even after they knew he'd been hospitalized for a heroin overdose. I feel anger towards myself for enabling him, and for thinking that I deserved the way he treated me. I feel anger towards him for using while I was pregnant, and continuing to use while I lost the baby, and especially for showing up high to the hospital minutes before my D&C. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that, despite these things, I continue to measure my self-worth against his want and need for me. I feel confused that I still feel that I need him when I haven't enjoyed being around him, or trusted him, in a very long time.

He was arrested for felony possession of heroin. He is in a very expensive long-term rehab program. He calls me every day. But secretly I don't want him to. I feel anxious to the point that my throat feels like it's closing up, my muscles are stiff, and I can feel--like really feel--how high my blood pressure is. And yet, I examine every word he speaks, every email he writes, for signs that he might be pulling away from me. Because I expect him to--I've read so many stories about relationships that fall apart while the addict is in rehab, and I wonder if he's afraid of hurting my feelings, or if he'll even bother telling me at all. He's lied to me so many times before, why wouldn't he lie about not wanting to continue to be in a relationship with me? And if it's not that, then it must be that he's in such a low place that he needs the security of someone to hang on to until he can abandon me again when I need him most. Like when I was pregnant.

I know how angry I sound. I know that I am codependent. I know I am being unfair to myself and I know I'm being unfair to him. And I'm sorry for it. God, I'm sorry for it. I wish I could say the serenity prayer and accept what I cannot change, and move on. I wish I could focus on myself and not on how anxious and panicked I'll feel if I don't hear from him--even though I know it would be so much easier if I could just own the fact that I don't want to. I know I need professional help to work through these feelings and to learn how to love myself again.

But right now, I need to type this out. And it barely scrapes the surface of what I've been through, or what he's been through, or how I want to give the engagement ring back, or how awful I feel when I wonder if he even meant it when he proposed, or why I insist on maintaining contact with someone who has hurt me so badly over the years--who I have *let* hurt me so badly over the years--but this is the only place that I felt comfortable and safe saying this. I know I am deeply flawed, and you can probably feel my blood boiling just in reading this. I'm sorry I'm so angry. I know that I'm to blame, too. But I am so sick of bursting into tears throughout the day, I am so sick of carrying this anger around with me, and most of all, I'm sick of expecting things to be different the next day. It's paralyzing.

So if you've read this, thank you. I've read so many of your stories, and through them, I've begun to understand my own. I have a long ways to go, but I'm grateful to the SR community for helping me start.

HardLessons

Hi & welcome to SR

I read your first post & I am very sorry for what brings you here.

What brought me to SR is my relationship with a heroine addict. Heroine is an ugly bad drug. Heroine destroys everything in it path. It takes no prisoners.

Gaining knowledge concerning addiction is the key to our understanding. Its the key that unlocks the door to save ourselves. Our addicts cannot help save us.

SR has been very helpful to me. Its not however been easy.

I hope you find understanding concerning your story. There are many participants on SR who have tremendous knowledge & experience. Its a good place to find understanding.

Ann

Welcome to SR, I am glad you came in from the shadows and sorry for the sadness and despair you feel.

Your is a long and complicated relationship and it's not going to be okay in a day or two. Recovery may help him to stay clean forever...or, like with many, it may last a while and then he may fall into old patterns and the cycle repeats. Thing is, we never know how it will unfold for them.

BUT, we can do something to help it unfold well for us, no matter how our loved ones do. Meetings have helped many of us find our balance and our sanity, I know they literally saved my life. Please try a few until you find one that feels right for you and give it a shot. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. A book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie has helped a lot of us too, and counseling when we can find someone who specializes in our side of addiction.

It's not easy and it's not a quick fix, but you can save yourself a lot of grief on this journey by taking care of yourself first.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

welcome to SR!

i want you to know it is OK to leave a relationship.....at any time.
it is OK to not have anything more to give.
it is OK to change our mind.
it is OK to put ourselves, our health and our well being, FIRST.

ichooseme6

Thank you so much HardLessons, Ann, and AnvilheadII. Your stories and kind words give me strength and encouragement. I started reading Codependent No More and it is actually what gave me the courage to finally post my story on SR. I had to (and am in still in the process of) admit some very difficult things to myself, and I have her book to thank for helping me do that. It was as if all my reactions and decisions--the constant feeling of being paralyzed and having no energy left for myself--finally made sense to me. My mother suggested earlier that I should speak to a clergyman. I am going to do that this week. She also said that she would go with me to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting with me. I have never been, but I have heard that those meetings are tremendously helpful, and I have found two that meet very close to where I live.

Thank you again. I am trying to remember that it is okay to choose me (hence my name on here). Hopefully one day soon I won't have to remind myself of that. This is going to be a long journey, but I'm glad I finally started.