Confused and low..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Confused and low..
I’ve been posting here off and on for over a year now. Today, I’m feeling low and confused. I know the reality of the situation and what is at hand with my ex multiple substance abuser, but I’m disappointed in myself with how I’ve been handling things over the past couple of months.
My ex is in a different city since coming out of rehab a year ago. 7 months ago he relapsed but got himself back into sober living after a month of using. After rehab he was riding high on the pink cloud, and I had so much hope, so many promises were made. This time around, he’s much more level headed, but still keeps changing intentions, doesn’t seem to know his own thoughts, emotions or anything for that matter. His answer is always, “I don’t have the answers”, but that he loves me. While, as a bystander looking in, I understand this and it makes sense to me, but the girl that’s been hurt, sold so many empty promises, told so many lies, is hurt. I’ve found out that he’s changed his tune about ever coming back to be with me one day. Now it’s in my court to go be with him, as he’s caused too much damage here when he was using and doesn’t foresee himself ever coming back, though it’s possible, as he can’t see the future.
Lately, all we have been doing is arguing. I need direct answers at times and he can’t give them to me. We both need space, but for some reason, I still have things to say, things to ask.. as I’m still trying to rebuild trust, but he can’t handle it right now. He used to be able to do these things, and now he can’t handle tough situations anymore. He’s even resorted to insinuating he’s not in love with me.. that the only reason he came back to find me once sober was to “see what would happen”. But then comes back and says he loves me so deeply. And now he’s blocked me.
Even writing this is hard, seeing how dysfunctional it’s been and how I’ve been apart of it. And it’s even harder seeing how spiteful and angry I’ve become. This isn’t me. I’m not a spiteful angry person. And I know the situation at hand, I understand what he’s going through is rough. I know I haven’t been easy to take either. I just feel his addict behavior is still there, with the empty promises, manipulative behavior, big empty words.. and my brain is spinning in all the cognitive dissonance. But, I understand I’m not innocent either. I feel since I’ve been blocked, that I’m left feeling shameful and like everything is my fault. Because I couldn’t just trust again, or I couldn’t just be still and quiet for a long period of time, or because I couldn’t not bring up issues, because there are still issues. And every time I did, he would withdrawal or say I’m too negative.. or somehow make me feel that the reason this isn’t going well is because of me. I’m just left confused, ashamed and feel I’ve been stuck in this rut with him for way too long. I know him blocking me is the best thing at this point. It’s been a very exhausting and dangerous rollercoaster of emotions.
It’s been a couple of weeks without us speaking, and truly, I can say I am working through things and healing.. it’s just that some days are just worse than others.
Thank you for whoever takes the time to read this, as I just needed to vent.
My ex is in a different city since coming out of rehab a year ago. 7 months ago he relapsed but got himself back into sober living after a month of using. After rehab he was riding high on the pink cloud, and I had so much hope, so many promises were made. This time around, he’s much more level headed, but still keeps changing intentions, doesn’t seem to know his own thoughts, emotions or anything for that matter. His answer is always, “I don’t have the answers”, but that he loves me. While, as a bystander looking in, I understand this and it makes sense to me, but the girl that’s been hurt, sold so many empty promises, told so many lies, is hurt. I’ve found out that he’s changed his tune about ever coming back to be with me one day. Now it’s in my court to go be with him, as he’s caused too much damage here when he was using and doesn’t foresee himself ever coming back, though it’s possible, as he can’t see the future.
Lately, all we have been doing is arguing. I need direct answers at times and he can’t give them to me. We both need space, but for some reason, I still have things to say, things to ask.. as I’m still trying to rebuild trust, but he can’t handle it right now. He used to be able to do these things, and now he can’t handle tough situations anymore. He’s even resorted to insinuating he’s not in love with me.. that the only reason he came back to find me once sober was to “see what would happen”. But then comes back and says he loves me so deeply. And now he’s blocked me.
Even writing this is hard, seeing how dysfunctional it’s been and how I’ve been apart of it. And it’s even harder seeing how spiteful and angry I’ve become. This isn’t me. I’m not a spiteful angry person. And I know the situation at hand, I understand what he’s going through is rough. I know I haven’t been easy to take either. I just feel his addict behavior is still there, with the empty promises, manipulative behavior, big empty words.. and my brain is spinning in all the cognitive dissonance. But, I understand I’m not innocent either. I feel since I’ve been blocked, that I’m left feeling shameful and like everything is my fault. Because I couldn’t just trust again, or I couldn’t just be still and quiet for a long period of time, or because I couldn’t not bring up issues, because there are still issues. And every time I did, he would withdrawal or say I’m too negative.. or somehow make me feel that the reason this isn’t going well is because of me. I’m just left confused, ashamed and feel I’ve been stuck in this rut with him for way too long. I know him blocking me is the best thing at this point. It’s been a very exhausting and dangerous rollercoaster of emotions.
It’s been a couple of weeks without us speaking, and truly, I can say I am working through things and healing.. it’s just that some days are just worse than others.
Thank you for whoever takes the time to read this, as I just needed to vent.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lately, all we have been doing is arguing. I need direct answers at times and he can’t give them to me. We both need space, but for some reason, I still have things to say, things to ask.. as I’m still trying to rebuild trust, but he can’t handle it right now. He used to be able to do these things, and now he can’t handle tough situations anymore. He’s even resorted to insinuating he’s not in love with me.. that the only reason he came back to find me once sober was to “see what would happen”. But then comes back and says he loves me so deeply. And now he’s blocked me.
Insisting on answers when answers may not exist is futile and frustrating for both of you. He may have nothing to give right now.
This may be a good time to accept what is and take some time and space for yourself. Wrapping yourself in his life right now will benefit neither of you.
It may not be easy but accepting the reality of this situation and setting aside dreams of "what might have been" is a good start to healing and finding your own balance.
Not sure this is what you wanted to hear, but I hope you will give more thought to your own health and less to his, and maybe you will begin to feel better soon.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Ann 
If he's struggling with his recovery after his relapse, he really can't make decisions right now, except the decision to focus on staying clean.
Insisting on answers when answers may not exist is futile and frustrating for both of you. He may have nothing to give right now.
This may be a good time to accept what is and take some time and space for yourself. Wrapping yourself in his life right now will benefit neither of you.
It may not be easy but accepting the reality of this situation and setting aside dreams of "what might have been" is a good start to healing and finding your own balance.
Not sure this is what you wanted to hear, but I hope you will give more thought to your own health and less to his, and maybe you will begin to feel better soon.
Hugs
Insisting on answers when answers may not exist is futile and frustrating for both of you. He may have nothing to give right now.
This may be a good time to accept what is and take some time and space for yourself. Wrapping yourself in his life right now will benefit neither of you.
It may not be easy but accepting the reality of this situation and setting aside dreams of "what might have been" is a good start to healing and finding your own balance.
Not sure this is what you wanted to hear, but I hope you will give more thought to your own health and less to his, and maybe you will begin to feel better soon.
Hugs
Thank you for your kind response. I am doing my damnedest to get on with my life and accept what is and not what was. Some mornings are worse than others. I try not to beat myself up for having bad mornings, or days off.. He’s put me through a lot, and it will take time to heal and get him off my mind. It’s just so strange, as I’ve never had a reaction to anyone like this before - always been very independent and lots of self love. But this guy really got into my head and changed me. So bizarre. I thought it was love, but sometimes I wonder if it was some sort of trauma bonding that I’m experiencing.
Thank you again for your support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
It sounds like clearly you care for this person and you have a heart for them. But being on the outside of this we are just not equipped to handle these types of problems. We are left with mostly negative harmful feelings that leave us stuck in our own problems. I think that its great this person chose recovery. That's a big step. But you are still reeling over it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems like deep down you are trying to find a way to move forward. I think based on my own situation and so many many stories I've read its good advice for you to be strong and let the universe have its way. Completely move on with your life and if this is meant to be then love will find a way. You don't have to live like this. I know that its so hard either way. But you can choose to keep feeling just as you do now or worse. Or you can choose for this angst and pain to at some point stop when you choose to let fate decide what you and your ex addicts relationship will be. I think it would be good to move forward and work on yourself no matter what. Even if this person is able to fully overcome you will always have to brace for relapse 10 days, 10 months, 10 years may be. If you are together when that happens you will want to be strong in yourself and have the fortitude to handle it if that time comes. I know its hard. I'm so sorry. I understand. Fully. Its awful. But you have to do what's right for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by johnnie360
It sounds like clearly you care for this person and you have a heart for them. But being on the outside of this we are just not equipped to handle these types of problems. We are left with mostly negative harmful feelings that leave us stuck in our own problems. I think that its great this person chose recovery. That's a big step. But you are still reeling over it. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems like deep down you are trying to find a way to move forward. I think based on my own situation and so many many stories I've read its good advice for you to be strong and let the universe have its way. Completely move on with your life and if this is meant to be then love will find a way. You don't have to live like this. I know that its so hard either way. But you can choose to keep feeling just as you do now or worse. Or you can choose for this angst and pain to at some point stop when you choose to let fate decide what you and your ex addicts relationship will be. I think it would be good to move forward and work on yourself no matter what. Even if this person is able to fully overcome you will always have to brace for relapse 10 days, 10 months, 10 years may be. If you are together when that happens you will want to be strong in yourself and have the fortitude to handle it if that time comes. I know its hard. I'm so sorry. I understand. Fully. Its awful. But you have to do what's right for you.
I told him he needed to focus on himself, and he insisted he could recover and be there for me at the same time. Now, he decides he can’t handle it and has been very vindictive about me not letting him be - because he changed his mind, with no discussion and no regard to my feelings. I know I haven’t been innocent as I’m deslong with a lot of resentment, but It’s been a serious ride, to say the least. Though this was chaotic and he did so many things that hurt me, I for some reason still loved him, and held on to the man I fell in love with in the beginning.
My point is, you are right. We aren’t equipped to deal with what they’re going through. I’m grateful he is doing the right thing and saving himself. I’m just left with a pile of hurt to sift through.. and now that he's making sobriety #1 and not me, (which ultimately I’m glad he’s doing this finally), i will have time to digest and heal. I forget sometimes to just rely on God or fate, whatever have you and to just let things come to me.
Sorry for the rant, but thank you so much for you advice, it’s helped to see a different perspective. I hope whatever has brought you here is healing as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by Brooklynd77
I honestly think I haven’t really had anytime to pause, breathe, step outside of this situation and really process what has happened. A year and a half ago I left our home. I packed up my bags and walked out the door, because I had to. Since then, it’s been nonstop. From having to see him to get papers signed, to him getting worse and finding a way to get ahold of me, to apologize, say he misses me/wants to see me, to hearing from mutual friends that he was in jail, to finding out he overdosed, then him finding anyone to tell me he was in rehab, to telling his parents to send me a letters, etc. I’ve just been constantly waiting for “what’s next?!”.
I told him he needed to focus on himself, and he insisted he could recover and be there for me at the same time. Now, he decides he can’t handle it and has been very vindictive about me not letting him be - because he changed his mind, with no discussion and no regard to my feelings. I know I haven’t been innocent as I’m deslong with a lot of resentment, but It’s been a serious ride, to say the least. Though this was chaotic and he did so many things that hurt me, I for some reason still loved him, and held on to the man I fell in love with in the beginning.
My point is, you are right. We aren’t equipped to deal with what they’re going through. I’m grateful he is doing the right thing and saving himself. I’m just left with a pile of hurt to sift through.. and now that he's making sobriety #1 and not me, (which ultimately I’m glad he’s doing this finally), i will have time to digest and heal. I forget sometimes to just rely on God or fate, whatever have you and to just let things come to me.
Sorry for the rant, but thank you so much for you advice, it’s helped to see a different perspective. I hope whatever has brought you here is healing as well.
I told him he needed to focus on himself, and he insisted he could recover and be there for me at the same time. Now, he decides he can’t handle it and has been very vindictive about me not letting him be - because he changed his mind, with no discussion and no regard to my feelings. I know I haven’t been innocent as I’m deslong with a lot of resentment, but It’s been a serious ride, to say the least. Though this was chaotic and he did so many things that hurt me, I for some reason still loved him, and held on to the man I fell in love with in the beginning.
My point is, you are right. We aren’t equipped to deal with what they’re going through. I’m grateful he is doing the right thing and saving himself. I’m just left with a pile of hurt to sift through.. and now that he's making sobriety #1 and not me, (which ultimately I’m glad he’s doing this finally), i will have time to digest and heal. I forget sometimes to just rely on God or fate, whatever have you and to just let things come to me.
Sorry for the rant, but thank you so much for you advice, it’s helped to see a different perspective. I hope whatever has brought you here is healing as well.
Remember who you were, or look back on what made you stay in this with someone so drug addled. For me I realized my own issues. I knew the changes I needed to make in my life before I was with her. I know what got me here, and she is a painful reminder to make those changes so I never repeat such behavior, because we are the ones that hurt, not them. Even in recovery they mostly are on top of the world. Free as a bird. We are still on the back burner. Wether they are leaving us behind to get high, or get well, we are still left behind. We never get that amount of space in their mind as we give them. At least not most of us. There are stories here and there of grand reconciliation, and relationship healing, but most of the time its over.
Normally they keep on using and we either finally walk or they get tired of us on their backs and they leave. Most likely to the arms of another. What are we left with? The pain they mask with drugs. The first thoughts "I stuck by this person through hell and they left me"
What if they recover? Well usually they will abandon you so they can go on a journey of sobriety. And again they meet someone in recovery that makes them high in a different way. What are we left with? Those same feelings we have when they continue drugs.
Addicts are skewed. Thoughtless and empty. I saw my ex addict GF when for one month she was off drugs. She was still whacked out of her mind. What I saw opened my eyes. She is empty. I thought the drugs were the problem, they are of course, but they fill her empty soul with a mask she can wear to fool everyone around her.
Sure not ALL addicts are like this. There are stories here and there of redemption.
But most of the time everyone on here experiences almost verbatim the same exact things in their own situation whether thats active addiction or recovery. It usaally ends the same, because most of them are inherantly the same.
Most of us who are on this side experience the same pain and have the same stories to tell.
Some of us leave and work on ourselves, some of us overstay our welcome, some of us get left behind.
I got tired of it all and it was killing me. She finally ghosted me. It was a gift. through the pain I finally got it. And It made me work on myself. I was relieved that she had the power to finally walk. We both wanted it becuase we hurt each other badly.
Even if she chose recovery (Shes not) I would stay a million miles away because Im not equipped to handle any of it. I got my own stuff to figure out, and she is a liability in my life.
I am sure your situation is different though. I do know every emotion very well that you feel though. Ive spent my entire last 3 years there. I can only advise you to look at what reality says. Are you braced and fit enough to keep pursuing him?
Id block him and not look back. Become the best you. If he becomes the best him and its meant to be then love will find a way. Anything else is nothing but pain and suffering, fear and worry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by johnnie360
What I see from you is that naturally youve been completely wrapped up in his stuff. You already know he is also wrapped up in his stuff. These people are ever changing from one minute to the next. he is not there for you. If you vanished he would text maybe call a few times but in addiction, or even this stage of recovery he would not do even the slightest bit of work you stated you put in. Its sad, angering, many things, but its the truth. No matter what you have to survive. For yourself and for him if there is a future with you guys. You are the one stuck. He is either going to be on cloud 9 in new found recovery, or he is going to be on cloud 9 getting high. It looks like either way your not going to be okay being involved. You can live your life waiting for him to make his next move and feel the pain over and over and in the end most likely get left behind, or you can simply yet so very challenging move on and live the life you desire. Maybe now is that time in your life that you can accomplish your own goals. Look inside yourself and focus on the things you would like to be different in YOU. What are some of your dreams you remembered before hitching a ride on someones derailing drug train.
Remember who you were, or look back on what made you stay in this with someone so drug addled. For me I realized my own issues. I knew the changes I needed to make in my life before I was with her. I know what got me here, and she is a painful reminder to make those changes so I never repeat such behavior, because we are the ones that hurt, not them. Even in recovery they mostly are on top of the world. Free as a bird. We are still on the back burner. Wether they are leaving us behind to get high, or get well, we are still left behind. We never get that amount of space in their mind as we give them. At least not most of us. There are stories here and there of grand reconciliation, and relationship healing, but most of the time its over.
Normally they keep on using and we either finally walk or they get tired of us on their backs and they leave. Most likely to the arms of another. What are we left with? The pain they mask with drugs. The first thoughts "I stuck by this person through hell and they left me"
What if they recover? Well usually they will abandon you so they can go on a journey of sobriety. And again they meet someone in recovery that makes them high in a different way. What are we left with? Those same feelings we have when they continue drugs.
Addicts are skewed. Thoughtless and empty. I saw my ex addict GF when for one month she was off drugs. She was still whacked out of her mind. What I saw opened my eyes. She is empty. I thought the drugs were the problem, they are of course, but they fill her empty soul with a mask she can wear to fool everyone around her.
Sure not ALL addicts are like this. There are stories here and there of redemption.
But most of the time everyone on here experiences almost verbatim the same exact things in their own situation whether thats active addiction or recovery. It usaally ends the same, because most of them are inherantly the same.
Most of us who are on this side experience the same pain and have the same stories to tell.
Some of us leave and work on ourselves, some of us overstay our welcome, some of us get left behind.
I got tired of it all and it was killing me. She finally ghosted me. It was a gift. through the pain I finally got it. And It made me work on myself. I was relieved that she had the power to finally walk. We both wanted it becuase we hurt each other badly.
Even if she chose recovery (Shes not) I would stay a million miles away because Im not equipped to handle any of it. I got my own stuff to figure out, and she is a liability in my life.
I am sure your situation is different though. I do know every emotion very well that you feel though. Ive spent my entire last 3 years there. I can only advise you to look at what reality says. Are you braced and fit enough to keep pursuing him?
Id block him and not look back. Become the best you. If he becomes the best him and its meant to be then love will find a way. Anything else is nothing but pain and suffering, fear and worry.
Remember who you were, or look back on what made you stay in this with someone so drug addled. For me I realized my own issues. I knew the changes I needed to make in my life before I was with her. I know what got me here, and she is a painful reminder to make those changes so I never repeat such behavior, because we are the ones that hurt, not them. Even in recovery they mostly are on top of the world. Free as a bird. We are still on the back burner. Wether they are leaving us behind to get high, or get well, we are still left behind. We never get that amount of space in their mind as we give them. At least not most of us. There are stories here and there of grand reconciliation, and relationship healing, but most of the time its over.
Normally they keep on using and we either finally walk or they get tired of us on their backs and they leave. Most likely to the arms of another. What are we left with? The pain they mask with drugs. The first thoughts "I stuck by this person through hell and they left me"
What if they recover? Well usually they will abandon you so they can go on a journey of sobriety. And again they meet someone in recovery that makes them high in a different way. What are we left with? Those same feelings we have when they continue drugs.
Addicts are skewed. Thoughtless and empty. I saw my ex addict GF when for one month she was off drugs. She was still whacked out of her mind. What I saw opened my eyes. She is empty. I thought the drugs were the problem, they are of course, but they fill her empty soul with a mask she can wear to fool everyone around her.
Sure not ALL addicts are like this. There are stories here and there of redemption.
But most of the time everyone on here experiences almost verbatim the same exact things in their own situation whether thats active addiction or recovery. It usaally ends the same, because most of them are inherantly the same.
Most of us who are on this side experience the same pain and have the same stories to tell.
Some of us leave and work on ourselves, some of us overstay our welcome, some of us get left behind.
I got tired of it all and it was killing me. She finally ghosted me. It was a gift. through the pain I finally got it. And It made me work on myself. I was relieved that she had the power to finally walk. We both wanted it becuase we hurt each other badly.
Even if she chose recovery (Shes not) I would stay a million miles away because Im not equipped to handle any of it. I got my own stuff to figure out, and she is a liability in my life.
I am sure your situation is different though. I do know every emotion very well that you feel though. Ive spent my entire last 3 years there. I can only advise you to look at what reality says. Are you braced and fit enough to keep pursuing him?
Id block him and not look back. Become the best you. If he becomes the best him and its meant to be then love will find a way. Anything else is nothing but pain and suffering, fear and worry.
You may be right in that he has found a woman/source, it’s always possible.. and as much as the idea kills me, truly I have to stay grounded and understand that he won’t ever be able to make it work with anyone until he gets the therapy he needs. But, whatever will be will be.
I truly can’t say that I know how this all happened. When we met, he had an amazing job, our first dates were so much fun, we had the same interests and laughed so much. We really hit it off! This was when he was apparently sober.. but then he started to slide. His addiction turned him into what I can only describe as a slow possession. He became more evil as time went on. Lying, cheating, manipulation.. by the time it got bad, I was already in love. I had never experienced addiction before, so I had no idea what I was dealing with and he really was good at excuses, making me believe what I thought was going on actually wasn’t. It was just such a slow progression that I really didn’t see what was happening until I actually saw the drugs hiding under our mattress, then it hit me and I left shortly after that. And here I still am today, hoping the sober man I fell so deeply in love with will come back. Silly right?!
I’m so sorry to hear about your ex addict girlfriend. And I’m sorry to hear she’s still using. I know what that does to a person, how it tears you up. I hope that with the 3 years between you two, that it’s gotten a little less painful and raw. I can see what you mean, when they get clean, they just seem empty. It’s a scary thing to see, no doubt. Be proud of yourself that you were able to pick up, block her out of your life and move on. You inspire me!
I have a question, when you two were together, did you ever find yourself getting so angry and mean? Because of all the lies, terrible mistreatment, etc? I found I became like this, and it scared me more than anything he’s ever done.. that someone could bring out this side in me I’ve never really seen before.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 42
Angry and mean?
Let me be honest... This relationship brought out the worst in me. I lived in fear and resorted to anger and meanness because I was so hurt. It was wrong of me, but I think I was mean because I wanted her to share in my pain instead of getting to live in her perfect world of junky bliss. I felt hopeless and abandoned yet couldn't walk away because I kept holding on to hope of what I thought it was suppose to be. Being merely a novice in dealing with an addict I tried to shame her into stopping drugs and I was at times very cruel with my words. Afterall for the life of me I couldn't figure out why such a smart and beautiful woman could resort to such a despicable in my eyes lifestyle. I lived in shame and embarrassment over it. Alone in the dark. It made me livid that she didn't see a problem with it. I said nasty awful things. I lived in anger.
The thing is I could not let go of her anymore than she could let go of drugs. Every ounce of me wanted out because almost from the start I had no hope. My life was already lousy from settling for so little that it was easy to take the focus off of my issues and focus on hers. When we were together I wanted her gone. But when she would leave I wanted her back. I dreaded the everyday cycle of drug seeking so I would verbally attack her before she would go. I would always pull her back though. The only peace I ever got was when she was asleep. These are my issues. I knew that just because if she got well it would not solve my issues. I knew mine were separate from hers but I felt like her off drugs I could breath and work on me.
We hurt each other very badly. I took it upon myself to always make sure she felt what I was feeling and it was wrong. If I was healthy I would have simply walked. It took me seeing her in jail and off drugs... Seeing another set of issues in her. Emptiness. What I saw was an empty suit in which the drugs gave the personality and filled with false emotions. She promised me the world in there and got out and ghosted me and relapsed within hours. Even though I counted down the days of her release in dread and knew that even in recovery I had no business with her, when she ghosted me it was my last straw. And I was done.
It took her ignoring me though. Even in the end I still sent nasty texts. I didn't want her back but I wanted her to hurt just a bit like I did.
Let me be honest... This relationship brought out the worst in me. I lived in fear and resorted to anger and meanness because I was so hurt. It was wrong of me, but I think I was mean because I wanted her to share in my pain instead of getting to live in her perfect world of junky bliss. I felt hopeless and abandoned yet couldn't walk away because I kept holding on to hope of what I thought it was suppose to be. Being merely a novice in dealing with an addict I tried to shame her into stopping drugs and I was at times very cruel with my words. Afterall for the life of me I couldn't figure out why such a smart and beautiful woman could resort to such a despicable in my eyes lifestyle. I lived in shame and embarrassment over it. Alone in the dark. It made me livid that she didn't see a problem with it. I said nasty awful things. I lived in anger.
The thing is I could not let go of her anymore than she could let go of drugs. Every ounce of me wanted out because almost from the start I had no hope. My life was already lousy from settling for so little that it was easy to take the focus off of my issues and focus on hers. When we were together I wanted her gone. But when she would leave I wanted her back. I dreaded the everyday cycle of drug seeking so I would verbally attack her before she would go. I would always pull her back though. The only peace I ever got was when she was asleep. These are my issues. I knew that just because if she got well it would not solve my issues. I knew mine were separate from hers but I felt like her off drugs I could breath and work on me.
We hurt each other very badly. I took it upon myself to always make sure she felt what I was feeling and it was wrong. If I was healthy I would have simply walked. It took me seeing her in jail and off drugs... Seeing another set of issues in her. Emptiness. What I saw was an empty suit in which the drugs gave the personality and filled with false emotions. She promised me the world in there and got out and ghosted me and relapsed within hours. Even though I counted down the days of her release in dread and knew that even in recovery I had no business with her, when she ghosted me it was my last straw. And I was done.
It took her ignoring me though. Even in the end I still sent nasty texts. I didn't want her back but I wanted her to hurt just a bit like I did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by johnnie360
Angry and mean?
Let me be honest... This relationship brought out the worst in me. I lived in fear and resorted to anger and meanness because I was so hurt. It was wrong of me, but I think I was mean because I wanted her to share in my pain instead of getting to live in her perfect world of junky bliss. I felt hopeless and abandoned yet couldn't walk away because I kept holding on to hope of what I thought it was suppose to be. Being merely a novice in dealing with an addict I tried to shame her into stopping drugs and I was at times very cruel with my words. Afterall for the life of me I couldn't figure out why such a smart and beautiful woman could resort to such a despicable in my eyes lifestyle. I lived in shame and embarrassment over it. Alone in the dark. It made me livid that she didn't see a problem with it. I said nasty awful things. I lived in anger.
The thing is I could not let go of her anymore than she could let go of drugs. Every ounce of me wanted out because almost from the start I had no hope. My life was already lousy from settling for so little that it was easy to take the focus off of my issues and focus on hers. When we were together I wanted her gone. But when she would leave I wanted her back. I dreaded the everyday cycle of drug seeking so I would verbally attack her before she would go. I would always pull her back though. The only peace I ever got was when she was asleep. These are my issues. I knew that just because if she got well it would not solve my issues. I knew mine were separate from hers but I felt like her off drugs I could breath and work on me.
We hurt each other very badly. I took it upon myself to always make sure she felt what I was feeling and it was wrong. If I was healthy I would have simply walked. It took me seeing her in jail and off drugs... Seeing another set of issues in her. Emptiness. What I saw was an empty suit in which the drugs gave the personality and filled with false emotions. She promised me the world in there and got out and ghosted me and relapsed within hours. Even though I counted down the days of her release in dread and knew that even in recovery I had no business with her, when she ghosted me it was my last straw. And I was done.
It took her ignoring me though. Even in the end I still sent nasty texts. I didn't want her back but I wanted her to hurt just a bit like I did.
Let me be honest... This relationship brought out the worst in me. I lived in fear and resorted to anger and meanness because I was so hurt. It was wrong of me, but I think I was mean because I wanted her to share in my pain instead of getting to live in her perfect world of junky bliss. I felt hopeless and abandoned yet couldn't walk away because I kept holding on to hope of what I thought it was suppose to be. Being merely a novice in dealing with an addict I tried to shame her into stopping drugs and I was at times very cruel with my words. Afterall for the life of me I couldn't figure out why such a smart and beautiful woman could resort to such a despicable in my eyes lifestyle. I lived in shame and embarrassment over it. Alone in the dark. It made me livid that she didn't see a problem with it. I said nasty awful things. I lived in anger.
The thing is I could not let go of her anymore than she could let go of drugs. Every ounce of me wanted out because almost from the start I had no hope. My life was already lousy from settling for so little that it was easy to take the focus off of my issues and focus on hers. When we were together I wanted her gone. But when she would leave I wanted her back. I dreaded the everyday cycle of drug seeking so I would verbally attack her before she would go. I would always pull her back though. The only peace I ever got was when she was asleep. These are my issues. I knew that just because if she got well it would not solve my issues. I knew mine were separate from hers but I felt like her off drugs I could breath and work on me.
We hurt each other very badly. I took it upon myself to always make sure she felt what I was feeling and it was wrong. If I was healthy I would have simply walked. It took me seeing her in jail and off drugs... Seeing another set of issues in her. Emptiness. What I saw was an empty suit in which the drugs gave the personality and filled with false emotions. She promised me the world in there and got out and ghosted me and relapsed within hours. Even though I counted down the days of her release in dread and knew that even in recovery I had no business with her, when she ghosted me it was my last straw. And I was done.
It took her ignoring me though. Even in the end I still sent nasty texts. I didn't want her back but I wanted her to hurt just a bit like I did.
I’m so sorry that you had to go through a similar situation, because I felt your pain in those words, sentences and paragraphs.
But also tears of joy, that someone understands and has been through and reacted the same as I have in this situation. I really started to doubt myself/pick apart myself wondering what was wrong with me. (Even just today I couldn’t take it and started writing up angry emails to send him, I mean come on!! Why can’t I let go of the hurt?!).
I just want you to know that my heart really goes out to you. I hope that this woman hasn’t destroyed your soul, as I know this sort of situation can feel like it has. I hope that you are healing from this as much as you possibly can - Have you ever thought of counseling or have you ever been? I was thinking I might jump back into that at some point. I’ve been trying to do things without counseling - rely on myself, friends and family when needed, but this may be more than one can handle.
I hope peace is finding you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Brooklyn, I think you should make counselling a priority, and don't delay it too long. Not because you're crazy, because it seems obvious you're not, but because you're having trouble processing things, and it's great to have a neutral listener who will help you cope with your feelings without turning them on yourself.
Even talking or posting here helps a little bit, but a counsellor will be able to give you even more positive outlets.
I think writing him angry emails is fine if it lets you express yourself, but don't send them right now. Keep it up though.
As a recovered A, I know all about the difficulty of rebuilding your world around sobriety. He's had a crutch up until now, so it's going to take him some time to handle everything without it. The fact that it's making life difficult for you can't be his first priority right now, but I'm sure he's aware of the hurt he's caused. Just remember that if he's really serious about recovery he'll need plenty of space, and the more you push the more he'll push back.
If you can keep your distance, work on your very natural anger, and try to detach yourself from his recovery you may find he'll come back in time. If he doesn't, the effort you've put into your own life with be of huge benefit anyway.
Even talking or posting here helps a little bit, but a counsellor will be able to give you even more positive outlets.
I think writing him angry emails is fine if it lets you express yourself, but don't send them right now. Keep it up though.
As a recovered A, I know all about the difficulty of rebuilding your world around sobriety. He's had a crutch up until now, so it's going to take him some time to handle everything without it. The fact that it's making life difficult for you can't be his first priority right now, but I'm sure he's aware of the hurt he's caused. Just remember that if he's really serious about recovery he'll need plenty of space, and the more you push the more he'll push back.
If you can keep your distance, work on your very natural anger, and try to detach yourself from his recovery you may find he'll come back in time. If he doesn't, the effort you've put into your own life with be of huge benefit anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi Brooklyn, I think you should make counselling a priority, and don't delay it too long. Not because you're crazy, because it seems obvious you're not, but because you're having trouble processing things, and it's great to have a neutral listener who will help you cope with your feelings without turning them on yourself.
Even talking or posting here helps a little bit, but a counsellor will be able to give you even more positive outlets.
I think writing him angry emails is fine if it lets you express yourself, but don't send them right now. Keep it up though.
As a recovered A, I know all about the difficulty of rebuilding your world around sobriety. He's had a crutch up until now, so it's going to take him some time to handle everything without it. The fact that it's making life difficult for you can't be his first priority right now, but I'm sure he's aware of the hurt he's caused. Just remember that if he's really serious about recovery he'll need plenty of space, and the more you push the more he'll push back.
If you can keep your distance, work on your very natural anger, and try to detach yourself from his recovery you may find he'll come back in time. If he doesn't, the effort you've put into your own life with be of huge benefit anyway.
Even talking or posting here helps a little bit, but a counsellor will be able to give you even more positive outlets.
I think writing him angry emails is fine if it lets you express yourself, but don't send them right now. Keep it up though.
As a recovered A, I know all about the difficulty of rebuilding your world around sobriety. He's had a crutch up until now, so it's going to take him some time to handle everything without it. The fact that it's making life difficult for you can't be his first priority right now, but I'm sure he's aware of the hurt he's caused. Just remember that if he's really serious about recovery he'll need plenty of space, and the more you push the more he'll push back.
If you can keep your distance, work on your very natural anger, and try to detach yourself from his recovery you may find he'll come back in time. If he doesn't, the effort you've put into your own life with be of huge benefit anyway.
This whole addiction has really blown my mind and is hard to really grasp. I really thought once he was sober, he would go back to being him, without the influence of drugs in his system. But now, I see that’s not the case. I see addiction runs much deeper than I knew. I think I’ve had to grieve the death of him AND us at least 3 times, and I recognize this is what I’m going through again. I know that hanging around during his recovery and and his search to find himself will only hurt me, as it has. It just has been hard for either one of us to stay away because we really do care for one another.
Now, with him blocking me, being left with his last words of basically saying that it’s all my fault and that I’m a jerk, I’m left not only grieving the loss, but all the anger and resentment of not only just what’s been done recently, but never really having any amends from the past when we were together.
So, I’ll try to be kind to myself, grieve, cry, journal.. do what needs to be done.. but also be kind and forgive myself for having have been a jerk at times. I know deep down I’m a great person and woman, who’s just gone through tremendous heartbreak and only loved who I thought he was in the beginning - a sweet, loving, caring, thoughtful man.
Thank you for letting me get all of this off my chest. And thank you for your kind and informative words.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
