When the relationship ends
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Denver
Posts: 4
When the relationship ends
It has been a few weeks since I posted about contemplating ending my relationship with my boyfriend, who relapsed on heroin in February after almost 3 years of sobriety.
The relationship ended this past Wednesday. I had been thinking about breaking up with him for about a month, but was hesitant out of a deep love for him, and a fear that I would be throwing away what could be a beautiful relationship in the future. After months of wanting to continue working on the relationship, he began to feel over the last couple weeks that he was meant to end it, even though he didn't want to. He felt that he had hurt me too much, that there would never be trust in our relationship, and that God was calling him to break up with me. He initiated the breakup, and while I guess the decision was mutual (as evidenced by my earlier posts talking about potentially breaking up with him), I am shattered.
I guess I didn't expect the decision to be made this quickly. I have seen how much work he has put into his sobriety over the last few months, and I am proud of him for his resolve not to use. I didn't expect that I would be this heartbroken, as I had thought about ending it myself. I can't help but wonder if we made the wrong decision. He is my best friend in the world. He knows me better than anyone, and has been my rock through several challenges in my own life (medical and otherwise). I feel so selfish for not supporting him through this. I keep thinking back on the good times we had, and it seems so stupid to throw away a beautiful, loving relationships over a few what if's.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds crazy. I am so emotionally drained and heartbroken over the loss of this relationship. Despite the brief relapse, our time together was happy and full of a love I never knew existed. I already regret all of the times I thought to end it. I can't believe it is really over.
The relationship ended this past Wednesday. I had been thinking about breaking up with him for about a month, but was hesitant out of a deep love for him, and a fear that I would be throwing away what could be a beautiful relationship in the future. After months of wanting to continue working on the relationship, he began to feel over the last couple weeks that he was meant to end it, even though he didn't want to. He felt that he had hurt me too much, that there would never be trust in our relationship, and that God was calling him to break up with me. He initiated the breakup, and while I guess the decision was mutual (as evidenced by my earlier posts talking about potentially breaking up with him), I am shattered.
I guess I didn't expect the decision to be made this quickly. I have seen how much work he has put into his sobriety over the last few months, and I am proud of him for his resolve not to use. I didn't expect that I would be this heartbroken, as I had thought about ending it myself. I can't help but wonder if we made the wrong decision. He is my best friend in the world. He knows me better than anyone, and has been my rock through several challenges in my own life (medical and otherwise). I feel so selfish for not supporting him through this. I keep thinking back on the good times we had, and it seems so stupid to throw away a beautiful, loving relationships over a few what if's.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds crazy. I am so emotionally drained and heartbroken over the loss of this relationship. Despite the brief relapse, our time together was happy and full of a love I never knew existed. I already regret all of the times I thought to end it. I can't believe it is really over.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 5
Same here … held on when unhappy/frustrated because of deep love... believing I was giving up on something phenomenal (our clean future lol) … so never ended it.
Not even when he finally agreed to go to our neighbor state with his best friend for rehab/start over … I mean it could have been "over" but I agreed when he asked me to wait while he made amends, built a foundation there, and could bring me over in a few years …
I held on to this fantasy … he did detox, passed rehab, and is approaching his 90 days …. and he's already on POF lol. What the heck.... And when I said I knew he didn't apologise/explain nothing, just typical addict response of shifting the blame on me and ending the RL cause "you'll never trust me".
But I feel devastated, shattered, and destroyed. I don't understand how it can hurt so much when I was on the edge of ending the RL for years. My spoilt self feels like I deserve the chance to know him clean, and now he's cheated me of it.
Funny - I was able to forgive all the crap that happened when he was actively using … but I can't forgive stepping out/looking while I'm living in the fantasy of a future. He can't blame that behaviour on using …
Still … never thought that this RL ending would hurt so badly...
Not even when he finally agreed to go to our neighbor state with his best friend for rehab/start over … I mean it could have been "over" but I agreed when he asked me to wait while he made amends, built a foundation there, and could bring me over in a few years …
I held on to this fantasy … he did detox, passed rehab, and is approaching his 90 days …. and he's already on POF lol. What the heck.... And when I said I knew he didn't apologise/explain nothing, just typical addict response of shifting the blame on me and ending the RL cause "you'll never trust me".
But I feel devastated, shattered, and destroyed. I don't understand how it can hurt so much when I was on the edge of ending the RL for years. My spoilt self feels like I deserve the chance to know him clean, and now he's cheated me of it.
Funny - I was able to forgive all the crap that happened when he was actively using … but I can't forgive stepping out/looking while I'm living in the fantasy of a future. He can't blame that behaviour on using …
Still … never thought that this RL ending would hurt so badly...
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Relationship ending are hard and I am sorry you are experiencing the pain that comes with that. There are going to be highs and lows of emotions while you grieve the ending of this relationship. But both of you concluded for various reasons that it was time to end it, that speak volumes.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Very sorry for you both for your pain and sadness at ending your respective relationships.
My own feeling is that life with an addict—even one in recovery—is a hard thing.
We invest so much of ourselves in the other person and our hope for a good life with them that we get kind of lost.
I hope that time and distance will help you both to find peace.
My own feeling is that life with an addict—even one in recovery—is a hard thing.
We invest so much of ourselves in the other person and our hope for a good life with them that we get kind of lost.
I hope that time and distance will help you both to find peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I'm so sorry. I think many of us can relate to how you're feeling right now. We hung in there for so long, put up with so much- and then *poof*! It's over.
The hardest part for me was when my ex no longer wanted to fight for me. I'd gotten used to him promising the moon and stars every time I tried to end it. Then one day I made the same old threat I'd always made, I was playing my role, but he didn't play his. He didn't do the usual begging and pleading, instead he just looked relieved and packed his bag. I took it personally at the time, but now I see he'd just finally completely chosen his addiction. He was glad to finally have me off his back so he could go and get high.
Take care of yourself. Things will be hard for a while, but in the end you'll see this was for the better.
The hardest part for me was when my ex no longer wanted to fight for me. I'd gotten used to him promising the moon and stars every time I tried to end it. Then one day I made the same old threat I'd always made, I was playing my role, but he didn't play his. He didn't do the usual begging and pleading, instead he just looked relieved and packed his bag. I took it personally at the time, but now I see he'd just finally completely chosen his addiction. He was glad to finally have me off his back so he could go and get high.
Take care of yourself. Things will be hard for a while, but in the end you'll see this was for the better.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm so sorry for your heartache. It really bites, no matter who ended it. You both invested a lot into the relationship and it's likely you'll miss the friendship aspect more than anything. I like to think that over time after there has been some distance and healing, there is a possibility you could be just friends. I've heard of divorced people remaining friends after it was all said and done. I guess the best a person could hope for when there is a breakup is that it could be amicable....but it still bites....
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