islandbarbie

I'm beyond devastated right now, and have no idea how to process things and/or if I should even acknowledge to him what I've found.

I spent five years with my partner ... the last three in "our" new home. He always said we were as good as married, that I was his partner for life. He struggled with addiction and things got very bad ...

The bills were entirely on me (even his phone etc), groceries etc. He couldn't pay to insure his car so drove my vehicle etc... He told me how bad it had gotten on NY day 2017 but he wanted to get clean, begged me to stand by him, and refused to admit he couldn't do it HERE. Wouldn't go to treatment etc. 2017 was the worst year ever... around Oct he changed his bank code and said he didn't want to be accountable any more and he'd move out ... of course he never did. Xmas was ugly... then I had a trip at the end of Jan. He said he'd say, take care of house, then leave when I returned.

When I returned.... he had gone off the rails. Told me he realized how much he had to lose, and this time he'd really do it. For him, for me, for us.

He couldn't ... and I finally let on to his sister that one more ugly fight, or overdose, and I might just get fed up and change the locks. His family/friends all live out of town ... so I was truly alone in supporting/helping him. She took that one comment and ran with it, told him I was kicking him out ... and that's why he finally agreed to leave and accept the help of his best friend in another province. His friend has been there, got him in detox, then rehab, then a job and they live together, go to NA every night ... things are really changing for him. He's done it !!

Even though I'm sure his sis poisoned him to me... he asked me before he left if he could make amends, start sending money to repay, stayed clean ... if I would be willing to wait for him, to go fly out and visit him.... perhaps in a few years move out there (we know he can't return here). Of course I agreed ... we made amazing love and he left the next day.

Anyway - when he got out of treatment he never called... just texted. I left it alone and felt he just needed to focus on work, staying clean etc ... and heck - I need to heal too!!

But then two nights ago something told me to browse the men on Plenty of Fish in his town. There he was ... with a PAID account, pictures up, saying dating/nothing serious and just looking for people to do outdoors stuff with. But it's "dating". I feel absolutely destroyed. He told me years ago he would NOT be ok with me browsing POF (just to see who's there out of boredom ... lol we got on that topic from a movie scene is all) ... he and I met on POF.

So advice is needed. I've been struggling with a text to let him know I've seen it... that I'm hurt, confused etc. But I can't send it, can I? He's not even 90 days .... he's still so vulnerable... I love him so much and don't want to destroy his progress with my "drama". But .... how can he do this without even telling me?? I suspect his friend may have encouraged it, even paid, but still .... I stood by him for FIVE years of WORSE, SICKNESS and POORNESS ... and now he's finally gotten to the better, healthy, rich chapter of life and I don't even get a chance to share it with him? Even if just to see if the love is still there, when he's clean? Or maybe that's it, right there, he only loved me when he needed me and now that his brain is rewiring he realizes he never loved me?

I'm shattered.... just shattered.

Do I pretend it's nothing and just assume he's making friends etc ... do I stress him out by asking? Stress him out by saying WTF man you should have at least told me you wanted out? Just two days ago he texted that he loves me....

I feel so cheated .... of the chance to be with him when he's clean and healthy .... I waited five years for this??

AnvilheadII

really sorry for what brings you here.

it sounds like you carried this guy for the last five or so years. you were a steadfast resource.......and it sounds like now he has moved on to other resources. if he wanted people to hang with and "do stuff" he would not be on POF!

he may be "clean" but i think you are mistaken that he is now healthy and balanced and truly partner material. in fact that shouldn't be WHY we hang on to someone....in the hopes that someday they will demonstrate the potential that we think we see.

you COULD confront him....but you already know what you know. regardless of what he said in a TEXT.

53500

So sorry you're dealing with this, unfortunately your story is common.

You know what you know. His actions speak for themselves. Will it make you feel better to tell him what you saw? I wouldn't worry about stressing him out. Life contains stress. You treat someone like he's treated you, well, you're asking for stress.

Again, so sorry you're hurting.

trailmix

What a horrible thing to do.

The bottom line though, he DID do it. As for talking to him about it, you found he has a paid account on a dating site and yet you are concerned about his vulnerable newly sober feelings?

First things first, you need to look out for yourself. I wouldn't be worried about stressing him out for a second, confront him or don't, that's your call, of course.

The question is, what is your boundary? Is it ok that he is posting on a dating site? It's not. You get to decide what you want to do about that. Doesn't actually matter what his reason is.

Ann

I agree with those above, you know what you know.

His actions are not those of someone in recovery. He may or may not be clean, but either way his personality is showing through and it's not pretty.

There is no acceptable explanation, no false promises, no dangling dreams of the future to get what he wants today...that could come with confrontation. It would make you feel worse...OR...it would make you feel better based on more lies from him.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life checking on this man? Do you want to have children who may end us deserted by him, or worse, live the life of having an addicted parent?

Long distance relationships when one person is struggling with addiction/recovery, rarely works. You can't "see" how he really is and snooping on him to find out tells you that your gut says there is something to find...and there probably is. But you already know what you know, now you have to decide if you want to spend your life tryig to figure him out or trying to find your own recovery, finding a better way of living and hopefully one day, a person worthy of you love and your life.

Good luck, this will be painful no matter what you choose but the pain of staying may be far worse than the pain of making a clean cut and moving on.

islandbarbie

Thank you all so very much !!

*Sigh* everything you say is true!! It isn't okay for me that he's on POF, not in the slightest. He wouldn't accept any explanation from me if the tables were turned.

I hadn't done any research/group joining prior to the past few days ....

I was complete tunnel-visioned on getting him INTO rehab, I thought that would be the finish line and from there we would move forward into the wonderful life ... that wonderful life that I would go to in my mind whenever things got really bad (lol so I lived there a lot!!) ... that fantasy is what kept me hanging on. That, and his constant words of love and devotion lmao that he was my life partner and all he wanted in life was to get clean so that HE could take care of ME.

Ugh ... now reading the experiences of so many others I realize just how common all of that is!! The deceptive promises of love/devotion ... the amazing physical intimacy we shared .... the constant apologies and promises it would get better. Yuck. Color me totally fooled !!

I do need to take care of myself ...
So very much!
I have minor Cerebral Palsy and while it never slowed me down in the past (I managed it by a committed gym routine) it has now. I fell a few years ago and did irreversible damage to my back .... between the stress, depression, constant anxiety of living with an active addict, added to the physical pain from the fall ... I have let myself go so badly ... These days, I can barely walk it hurts so bad, I go days without leaving the house (work from home), I've even found myself skipping the shower every other day (that's never been my style, ever lol). I'm living in sweat pants and resenting the few days a week that I actually have to be presentable to see clients.

I NEED to stop checking on FB (lol and now POF ffs) etc and drag my butt back out into the world... new people... get back to the gym as I know it'll improve my back ... I need to have fun and STOP OBSESSING about him.

I know all this ... I really do !! I just need to START !!

Thank you all again for your kind and honest words. I will definitely be hanging out here and hope one day I can contribute in a way that helps someone else!

tomsteve

glad youre seeing things a little clearer,island. something to think about:
I know all this ... I really do !! I just need to START !!

theres probably a chance ya NEEDED to start a long time ago.
something that helps change is WANTING to start.
courage to step out of the comfort zone of insanity is a great thing to use for this.

FeelingGreat

Hey islandbarbie your last post was spot on. This is about you, not him. Be kind to yourself, get out, maybe have a massage or hair appointment, or do something that makes you feel good.
You need time to gain perspective on this but in the meanwhile, look after yourself.

Freedom1990

You already have helped someone, me!

You have reminded me how important it is for me to not hinge my reality on what someone else is/isn't doing.

I know how easy it is to be fixated on someone else, and lose ourselves in the process.

Big hugs from soggy Kansas!

Leana

Sound to me like his needs always come before yours. Ask yourself why. Once you figure that out- you will find happiness because the for the first time in your life, the focus will be on you.

Eddiebuckle

The fact that he's on POF 90 days in would suggest his recovery is not his first priority. Be grateful this is happening at a distance - you now know what you need to know, and can move on without wondering what might have been (more of the same). To contact him will only drag you further into his drama; you deserve better - so choose better.

atalose

I think that is what most of us thought in the beginning. That rehab was the solution, the answer to all of the problems if only we could get them there. We push them, we beg them, we threaten them we do whatever we think is necessary, losing our own sanity along the way. Then sadly we discover that it is not the answer or the solution, that rehab is not the cure but merely an opportunity for the addict if they choose to work towards remission as there is no cure for addiction. We learn that addiction is a lifelong disease and that no matter how much sober/clean time they have, relapse will always be one bad decision away.

I think accepting that and then turning all of that energy inward is our best option.

Hechosedrugs

When I was 6 months into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend (not the ex-husband I'm always posting about) I found out he had a paid account on Christian Mingle and had been online recently. When I confronted him, he fed me a lot of BS about, "Listen, I've had that account for years. Way before I met you." I told him that was then, this is now, and if he wants to be in a relationship with me he needs to delete it. So he did. And another 6 months later I found out he had an active Match account. So I thought, you know, he's just going to keep doing this. I could confront him, but what's the point? He'd just act like he was totally innocent and say some nonsense like, "Well, I thought you just didn't want me to have a Christian Mingle account. I didn't know you cared about Match, too!" So what I did: I got my own Match account. Put my picture up, and clicked on his profile. Match shows you who's viewed your profile, so I knew he'd see it. And he did. That same day I saw I got a profile view from him. And from that day forward I ignored his calls and texts. There was nothing left to say. And while he tried to play dumb about it ("What's going on? Why haven't you called? Is something wrong?") That was my boundary, he knew it, he decided to cross it anyway, probably because he didn't think I'd hold to it. Well, joke's on him. And guess what? I've met some decent men on Match. I met one for coffee and have spoken to several others on the phone. None are quite what I'm looking for, at least I don't think so, but it's been quite a confidence builder and has helped me get to know people I wouldn't have normally considered.