bnegc

Hi.

It's been a long time since I've posted here.

My post history will give more info, but long story short my ex-fiancé had (has?) a polysubstance dependency that eventually culminated in a full blown meth addiction. I knew something was wrong. I knew he had changed from a beautiful person into an awful one. I thought he was just stressed. Until he was hospitalised and told a nurse.

It's been 11 months since I packed my things and left. 11 months since I have seen him.

The break up was really hard. He was on meth the entire time, so would send me 50+ messages at a time, alternating between promising to change and belittling and verbally abusing me. After three months broken up, and little response on my end (he didn't listen to me, nothing changed, there was no point) his reactions escalated, to the point where he lost his job, lost what had been our apartment, moved back in with his mother, and was sending threatening messages to my friends and inappropriate messages to my work. It was a nightmare.

I never felt mad, though he was very mad at me. It was just sad. Sad that he had gotten to that place. Sad that he wasn't getting out. Sad that he had (has) so much potential, and instead he was devolving into an entirely different person, devoid of any of the traits I had come to know and love in the almost ten years we had been together.

I blocked him, off my phone, email, facebook, instagram, everything. Then, when it became apparent he was logging into my accounts, I changed all my passwords. I sent the ring back.

I went to talk to a psychologist at the time. She told me I seemed to be coping fine but also helped me to realise I had been abused for a long time. It was crazy, to think I had been so enraptured in that relationship, so invested that I couldn't see that at the time. In retrospect it's so clear. I never thought I would be that person. I never thought I would stay with someone abusing me. But, there I was. Love is blind, they say.

I was coping fine, but I was running on adrenaline. Going through the motions. It wasn't until a few months afterward that I began to struggle with the effects that relationship had on my ability to trust other people, to believe in the validity of my own opinions and emotions, and to cope with all of the changes in my life. It's been tough, I am back on anti depressants, but I'm a lot better than I was.

I am grateful to this forum for helping me to see my past relationship for what it was. I am grateful to this forum and the mental health professionals I have come into contact with for helping me to understand addiction, and realise that love, in fact, does not cure all. He could not become sober for me. He could only do it for himself. And while we were together, he did not want to do it for himself. Something in my brain just clicked when the doctor at the hospital told me that. Everything in my brain just sort of fell into place. He wasn't going to change unless he truly wanted to. And he didn't. It was that simple.

Well, it wasn't that simple. Emotions were still involved. I still cried every night for a long time. My heart was still broken. I questioned it constantly. I tried to talk myself out of it constantly. But every time I would speak to him, everything he said would deliver the same message - I will do this for you, if you make me, but I don't think I need to and I don't want to, really.

I still worry about him. I still think about him. I wonder if he has a place to sleep at night. I wonder if he sees his friends anymore. I wonder if he got another job.

I hope so. I hope he turned things around.

For me, aside from this one sad day, thinking of what may have been, I have been happy. I have grown as a person. I have achieved professional goals I had almost given up on. I have achieved independence and lived by myself in a place that I love. I have made new friends. I have found new love that is kind and supportive and beautiful and intelligent and everything I could have dreamed of but never thought I would have. A few nights ago, in a quiet moment alone, after being approved to move in to a beautiful home with my new partner, I sat and thought about how everything had changed. And this is so lame, but I cried because I was so grateful and so happy that this is where I am now. I don't believe in God, but I have had so many wonderful opportunities and experiences in the last year that it feels as though someone is looking out for me. It feels unbelievable.

I guess I'm writing this here for two reasons. The first is to let you know that you can stay, or you can go. And if you go, it will suck for a while, but it will get better. The second is because, as great as everything is, there are still moments of sadness. He was my youth. Ten years of my life. I don't regret it. I want those moments of reflection. I am grateful for the good times we had, and they were many. And sometimes, I just want to talk about it to someone who gets it and won't judge me. I want to spew out my stream of consciousness into the world without hurting the people I love or making them worry.

So thank you for providing that space.

doggonecarl

Glad you are healing.

Ann

This struck a familiar note with me. No matter how insane my world became with my codependency and my son's addiction....I "appeared" to have it all together, I could multitask my work life, run 3 businesses with my husband, take care of my aging mother and deal with the hellish nightmare of my son's addiction. I don't know how I pulled it off, people were so surprised when I began going to meetings and counseling because my own insanity was becoming apparent.

I share that so you, and others here, can see that as such a "turning point", when we finally KNOW we are faking it and pretending to be in control of our lives....and then reach out for the help we so desperately need.

I am so glad you were able to detach and stick to it, I am sure this wasa terribly painful time for you.

And I am delighted that you are sharing here about how your life became better...because YOU became better and used the lessons of your past to avoid making the same mistake in your future.

I wish you many many happy days ahead, you already have a good start. And please stick around and help the newcomers to learn how you did all this. You are a living example of recovery in action.

Hugs

Lizajane

bnegc
Thanks for posting! Powerful. Glad your life has blossomed. I have an abusive ex in my past as well and once in a while I stop and reflect on why and how. I hope he found his way to a better life as well.