Please help me Im Divorcing a meth addict, Please help me

Old 05-26-2018, 10:37 PM
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Please help me Im Divorcing a meth addict, Please help me

My husband and I have been married 4 years in June and together 10 years.
I found out about his meth addiction a few weeks after our wedding.
He promised me he would quit. The next year I spent loving in a haze, desperately believing him when he said he wasn't using even though he would go out with his meth using friends and drug dealer.
He convinced me he was ready to quit and move on in our lives and start a family. So we did.
My pregnancy was overshadowed by hia addiction and lies. He would be gone every evening for hours after work hanging out with the same using friends (but "not" using with them). First time I kicked him out of our house, and we didn't even have a house! We were staying with my parents, in the middle of closing on our 1st home. I was 6 months pregnant and he didnt care to have anything to do with me until 11pm or later, when he would come home and be so wired he only wanted to have sex and stay up "hanging out with me".
When baby was born, he had barely slept in days and as i was having contractions he was passing out in the chair next to my bed. I had to have an emergency c section and he barely was present emotionally.
1st week home with baby and he was on paternity leave. He left me multiple times for 4 or more hours to play on his pool league with his meth dealer. He had promised me, after I begged and begged him to please stay home the entire 1st week and he said he would find a replacement for that week.
I was left at home, with a newborn, as a 1st time mom in incredible pain from the c section and bawling because he left me alone in our new home that hadnt gotten anything unpacked because he was never around to help and we moved in the week I was due (I delivered 1 week past my due date). After the 2nd week he came back on the 2nd night of pool, at 11:30pm and told me that his friend(the drug dealer) had mentioned to him that because i had a c section my vagina was unharmed and we could have sex. So he pressured me into having sex. It hurt, i was in pain from my stitches, my vagina was sore because the baby's head made it all the way down and was visible but wouldn't come out, i had been in labor for over 14 hours and then had a c section, and i felt horrible about myself feeling i was being used for sex.
We did it once more the following week before i finally stood my ground and told him i wasnt ready. He stopped trying to be physical with me after that, no hugs, holding hands, no cuddling, i didn't want kisses, but he kept trying to have sex and each time i would tell him I'm tired out something else. He would turn over in bed, very angry and huffy puffy and then grab the tablet and watch porn next to me and masturbate. That went on for weeks until i told him to stop, to which he stopped doing it in bed amd would go out to the living room and masturbate and then come back to bed.
That made me feel horrible about myself.
Everything seemed good for a while- mostly because i stopped paying as much attention and focused on our baby. I knew he was using, i thought just periodically but it turns out daily. I caught him smoking meth in our home on 3 separate occasions before our kid turned 1, each time i wad in the home with the baby in the next room. Each time he promised he would quit and get rid of the para.
I bought drug tests online, he hid them, told him to buy them so he does. We start doing tests and for a week or so seemed like things were getting better. Then i take one of the tests out to dip it into his pee and it comes out already displaying negative results. I open another, and the same thing. Can't be coincidence. I stop doing any tests feeling hopeless and entirely betrayed. I tell him he needs to get treatment. Nothing happens from that except he changes his phone number.
Our kids 1st bday passes and we're still in the same boat. I find out 2 weeks after it happened that he got fired from his teaching job. All his things from his desk and materials stuffed hidden in a cabinet in our garage. In the cabinet next to it, i find a pipe, a camera case empty but full of empty meth baggies at least 20-30 all with residue still on them.
I go inside and confront him about it. He makes up a story about how he got relieved of his duties for the remaining year because good contract wasnt renewed and how those baggies were from months ago.
A couple weeks after that i tell him i want a divorce i cant do this anymore. He guilts me into giving him the summer to work on things. May be starts 90 in 90 at NA. But his mood just wasnt what i expected for someone whi was withdrawing from meth after years of using and finally giving in to the program. He was cocky, know it all, boastful and not in the least bit struggling with anything. Seemed too good to be true. I asked him to leave and move out. He went too stay with his parents for a month but returned quickly after feeling I wasnt doing enough to try and ger back together. And i wasnt. My entire mood had shifted and I waa actually happy foe the 1st time in years. I was enjoying every second I had with my kid and not thinking about him at all. It was the biggest relief of my life. And i had come to understand and accept that divorce was the right option for me and our kid. I just needed more time to detach emotionally and figure out my.future plans. I had been a stay at home mom and didn't have any money saved up or job prospects. I went to a nurses aide class and got certified. I started looking for work.
Thats when he moved back in abruptly because he wanted to fix up the basement, sell the house and be done with me. I was okay with that, and moved out the very next day with my kid to my parents home.
Fast forward, Ive been at my parents 9 months.
He still hasnt started any treatments or counseling. He has admitted to a close friend, the longest hes gone without using was 5 days in the last 4 years. He has only seen his kid 2 times since february and the only stipulation has been that he start a min 30 day treatment and complete it or he could go to a company that does supervised visits and do that any time he requests.
I finally got tired of all this and the uncertainty.
It has been killing me to come to the decision to finally hire a lawyer and file for divorce. Ive been waiting and holding out hoping he would finally want to get clean and get his family back. But nothing thats happened has made him get help. During the summer we had filled out divorce paperwork and worked on terms and agreements together but we stopped working on the papers after realizing a lawyer would need to help draft what would happen with our mortgage and all the credit card debts we have and bills in collections. Our finances are completely trashed and we are barely making the mortgage payments. I was ao aure working on the papers would show him how serious I was about divorce. But it seems it really didn't do anything.
Now that I've finally filed. He is of course freaking out. Says his uncle will give hin $10000 so he can get a lawyer to represent him.
Im asking for full physical custody and shared legal custody but only until after hes done 90 days of treatment and stayed clean and continues to stay clean.(im deathly scared 90 days is not enough but idk what to do without arguing in court) ive alrwady used 2500$ in drafting up the complaints and my agreement. He is contesting everything but wants me tk negotiate with him, threatening me he will use the lawyer if he doesnt get his way. He is not willing to do drug testing past 90 days and after 1 year done completely. He wants supervised visits with his family starting immediately and overnights for holidays starting immediately. He wants to take the 1 good car and make me pay him the difference of the other car if I take it. He won't allow the sale of the home, but insists he wants my kid and I to live there and he'll pay the mortgage. He refuses to pay anything else, no child support or day care, cuz he is wanting to pay the 1300$ mortgage. I just want to sell and not be tied to him financially any longer.
I just don't know what to do. He has about 15 days left to answer the judgement otherwise it could be sent in as a default.
Im terrified we cant work it out- mostly because I dont want to back down on my parenting visitation schedules and time and also because I fear I will be left in a very horrible financial situation relying on him to pay our mortgage and because I have no more money left to pay the lawyer if anything is contested and we need to go to court. I am already borrowing 2500$ from a sibling to pay my lawyer back pay and finish filing if we can agree on something. Everything ive earned this year is already spent and i have no money. My family watches our kid while I work so im not paying daycare and they buy 90% of our groceries as well.
Im so stuck and terrifed i dont know how else to compromise with him without feeling Im putting our kid in harms way or feeling my finances will be so tight I wont qualify for food stamps or any other programs because him paying the mortgage will qualify as income for me and it'll put me over the limit. Im working as much as I can without paying a daycare but my parents are getting tired of watching our kid ao early in the day and then having to go to work themselves later in the evening.
Someone please help and give me words od wisdom or suggestions on how to make it through this divorce.
I feel im falling apart and cant be a good parent to my child because im so overwhelmed stressed and upset with my situation with their father. Im heartbroken this is where Im at. I never wanted a divorce but i don't see any other option any more. Please help!
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Old 05-27-2018, 03:50 AM
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Hi Lafightermama

Welcome to SR. I am very sorry for your situation. Unfortunately your story while unique to you sounds pretty typical. Trying to live with someone who is addicted to hard drugs is incredibly difficult.

I have my own ugly hard drug addiction relationship story. So I want you to know that your not alone. I understand how you feel.

I know there are no easy answers. I know first hand the destructive nature of addiction.

You have come to a good place here on SR. There are many who have experienced exactly what you are going through. Hopefully you will get a lot of sound advice.

Again I am very sorry for your situation. I wish you peace & strength in this difficult time.
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Old 05-27-2018, 05:51 AM
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He still hasn't started any treatments or counseling. He has admitted to a close friend, the longest hes gone without using was 5 days in the last 4 years.
First, I want to welcome you and say that I am sorry for your sad situation and to let you know that you are among friends who understand here. I am the mother of an adult addict and know the pain of watching someone we love self-destruct.

The statement above said it all, I think. No matter what you want for him, and your list makes sense to a rational sensible person, it won't matter one whit if he doesn't take the actions to change and to do it now. Words mean nothing, sorry to say that promises are worthless without immediate action to back them. Talk is what addicts do well. If only you do this...I will do that. " If you stay (and continue your painful disfunctional life), I will stop using and get well starting...next week...next month....next year?" Truth is a rare commodity and you can't count on promises that they can't keep...even to themselves.

It might be a good time to make a plan that does not include him or his financial input. It might be good to see a lawyer and find out your rights before you make any moves, to ensure your own safety and best interests are looked after. You don't have to do anything right now, but having a plan and knowing your options will help you feel less trapped.

Leaving can be painful but staying with an active addict is always worse...if not now, it will be soon.

My prayers go out for you and your family. Please reach out for help from family or friends who may be able to help, maybe get counseling and/or seek out some meetings in your area of Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA or church or family support meetings.

This won't be easy, you will need all the help you can get.

Good luck and again...welcome.
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Old 05-27-2018, 07:37 AM
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I have been trying to save my addict for 4 years. If love, money, or time could change addiction than he would be better now.

You have a lot of good insight. Save yourself from a lifetime of pain and let him go.

You are strong and can do it!
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Old 05-27-2018, 08:46 AM
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He has about 15 days left to answer the judgement otherwise it could be sent in as a default.

it's tough, but i think you have to let the process run it's course here.....i understand all the worry and what if's, but that won't speed things up or change the outcome.

i am glad you and your child are with your parents and safe. that is crucial. if your husband is still doing drugs, he is not reliable and it is impossible to predict how he will act from day to day. keep your expectations of him to a minimum.
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Old 05-27-2018, 09:42 AM
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I just want to sell and not be tied to him financially any longer.
Totally agree with this. Untangle yourself from him financially. He cannot be depended on. The longer your finances are joined with his, the worse it will get. Odds are, if you agreed to his plan, he would not make the mortgage payments.

Pursue your rights to the equity in your assets, if there is any. Pursue your rights to support from him but don't count on it. Assume you will get no help at all from him - no money, no emotional support, no help with your child. He may, some day, step up and be helpful but don't wait for that day.

I'm so sorry, I know you have many difficult issues to deal with but you're on the right track in getting out from under the same roof and getting a job. Thank God your family is supportive. Keep going in your career. Your income will increase and your expenses and life should stabilize as you get further out from him.

You did the absolute right thing in getting yourself and your baby away from an active meth addict. You deserve a lot of credit for that. God bless and I hope one day you'll be back with an update that life is much better.
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Old 05-27-2018, 12:55 PM
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I had to LOL at him saying he wanted to pay the mortgage instead of spousal. My ex said the same thing and it was put into our court order. Big mistake! In CA, if a parent is behind on child support and spousal the Department of Child Support Services will, as a courtesy, help with spousal enforcement as well. But they CAN NOT enforce an order to pay a mortgage. So tough beans for me! Now I have to take him back to court to have that modified.

I know it's hard, but you are doing the right thing. If this order goes in by default you'll be very lucky. I had to fight tooth and nail to get supervised visitation for my ex. Courts do NOT give order that willy nilly. However, his proposal is not completely terrible. He wants you to only be able to drug test him for a year, right? That sounds scary, but keep in mind: Let's say you tested him for a full year, and every test was positive. Now it's the end of the year and he's positive once again. Well, what judge in his right mind would say, "But you agreed you couldn't test him again after this year."? Sure, you would have to take him back to court, but most likely they're going to order that you be able to keep testing him.

It sounds like you're holding the cards either way.
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Old 05-28-2018, 07:00 AM
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What hechosedrugs said! When you said he wanted to pay the mortgage and not child support, I immediately thought "He's doing that because they can garnish wages for child support, NOT for a mortgage."

He may spend a $1M on a lawyer, but no lawyer will be able to take away the fact that he was fired from his job. And I'm sure there was a long documented process about that too. Does he honestly want to drag this out in court and open the possibility that his drug use becomes public record? Look what happened to Jack Ryan, the politician.

I'm not a lawyer, but it appears that you are in a better position for negotiation than he is. Don't let his delusions become your truth.
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Old 05-30-2018, 10:33 AM
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Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your kind words and support.
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Old 05-30-2018, 12:58 PM
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I am also glad to read that even if not ideal or sustainable, you and the child are at your parents.

For me, it was hard to keep realistic thoughts in my head. I tried to play out each scenario a thousand different ways. The "If he does this, then ..." game until I made myself sick. I also learned along the way that my xah kept me engaged by his "threats" financially, emotionally, about the children ... at the end of the day I can safely say everything out of his mouth is bs and doesn't deserve to take up space in my head. I am slowly learning to trust real actions not words. Sometimes the threats were scary (especially if he felt cornered), please document to appropriate authorities if that happens to you (I did not at first) and document everything in a journal. If at all possible, have any communication with him regarding the divorce or the child to email or text. Keep making the next right (and safe) decision for yourself and the child regardless of what he says he is going to do. I say his money for an attorney is trying to scare you into not fighting him.

I might have missed it, are you able to go to any face to face al anon or nar-anon meetings?
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Old 06-27-2018, 10:29 AM
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I might have missed it, are you able to go to any face to face al anon or nar-anon meetings?[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your reply. Im starting to think more and more that it was mostly just empty threats.
I haven't been to any meetings yet, but id like to make the time for it.
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