ThaboThabo

I sent my husband this letter via text this morning:

Your addiction progresses daily. Your lies and deception continue, and I’m done with it. I deserve to be treated much better than this and I won’t stand for this again.

I know what you do. I know you are using. I know you have dipped into the world of selling, too. There are all of the obvious spiritual, marital, and financial dangers that are attached to your lifestyle, but I have also told you I have a career (and ministry) to protect and you have had no concern whatsoever about any of it. Your addiction is the most ugly, self centered thing I have ever personally seen.

We first talked about this on March 25, 2017. That was the first of countless times that I would hear empty promises of getting back on track. That is 440 days you have had for any kind of steps toward recovery. We’ve talked about many options and yet here we are, still at day zero, after 440 days of you knowing better than to do this. You are stubborn and stuck in your addiction and have made it clear you don’t really care to change. You want your poison more than you want your recovery. And that is your decision to make.

Just like it’s my decision to say I’ve had enough of it and I’m done with this relationship. You cannot live with me anymore. I don’t care where you go or what you do, but my stipulation is you cannot come back to me. You can pack your tools and whatever other items from home, but other than that you are no longer allowed into my life.

I know what’s going to happen next. You’re going to claim this was your last time— you promise! You only had to say goodbye one last time to your beautiful drug and the ugly people. You were waiting for a special day to come around that was going to mean something to you. But you’ve done this countless times before, to no avail. If Easter as a clean date wasn’t good enough for you, there is no date that will be. And despite my pleas for you to get rid of people, you brush me off and never do it. You’ve made it painfully (believe me on that word painful) clear that they are more important to you than I am. Don’t even lie to me otherwise. You try to make me look bad by always have your moment of clarity right when I get sick of it. Then I’m forced to either recant my words or look like I’m some awful person for not “supporting” you in your “recovery” (which I put in quotes because it’s as fake as your lies and broken promises).

I know what else you are going to do. You’re going to have truth mixed into your lies. You are going to tell me I’m overreacting over a dead battery. Thank you, Gaslighter, for putting doubt and confusion in my mind for all these months. I won’t let you do it again. I’m sure that your battery really did die, but that’s not the whole story. The whole story is you driving around aimlessly all night long, looking for the perfect place to do your hideous sins (You know God can see everywhere, right? You ain’t gonna find that one park He doesn’t see), avoid me, lie to me, and seem to think it’s no big deal. You have been gone for two nights and I’ve heard not one thing from you about it other than a vague reference to a dead battery and a vague reference to a “someone” who is going to help you out. They don’t have a name? Or you don’t dare tell me who you are associating with? Why not call me and ask for help? Oh, right, because you’re high off your rocker, neck deep in disgusting filth of your addiction, and it’s the only small semblance of shame you have about it that you don’t want me to see you like that. There is not a sane, sober person on this earth who would think any of your actions are even remotely normal or acceptable. You have abandoned me for drugs, plain and simple. You’ve lost your first love (God) and your second love (me).

To have you spiral back to this crap in less than 24 hours from returning from Nicaragua tells me everything I need to know about how cavalier you are to your addiction. You don’t care one iota about being clean. You’ve been clean before, so you know what you need to do. Yet you refuse. And you think you can drag me along for the ride? Nope, not gonna happen any longer. I’m getting off this ride and not coming back for it.

You can’t live a double life. You can’t have your married life of normal married things and then be a druggie hustler on the side. You also can’t have two masters. Jesus said one you will love and one you will hate. Your master—and you know it, so don’t even feign denial here—is drugs. You love drugs and hate the Lord. That’s what His word says about you. That’s His judgment upon you.

So your question now is probably, “When will you take me back?” Which is like a student asking “How long is the paper supposed to be?” They aren’t asking how long it should be— they are really asking how short it should be. They want to know the minimum effort they can put into it. And that’s what you will be asking of me— how little can you do, and how much can you get away with, in order to win me over?

The answer isn’t going to be an easy one. It will not take a week of you begging, or being passive aggressive, or saying mean and hurtful things to wear me down. It will not take you claiming to read a couple of Bible verses and suddenly “seeing the light” and this time you’re really going to change! It’s not going to be making one appointment with a counselor. These are all minimal steps I’ve accepted in the past, and where has it gotten us? Only 440 days deeper into your mess.

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to destroy, and forever to repair. That’s where I’m at right now. This will be a long process, and to be honest with you (something you’ve never been with me) I cannot even give you my word that this ever will be able to be repaired. With what you are right now, I have no desire to have you back or continue a marriage like this. Plain and simple. If you change, who knows. But we are talking a LONG, long process.

The ball is in your court. It always has been. I was stupid to think it was ever in mine and that I could drag you along for *my* ride of recovery. Turns out I wasn’t dragging you along to begin with. You never even got on the ride.

May God have mercy on you and fill you with peace,
L

————————

Already we have been back and forth. He completely brushed over what I had written about my stipulations, instead running over them with his own boundaries that had NOTHING to do with drug use. He instead focused on work, as though that’s the problem (he comes home very late from work and I complain, and part of it is work addiction and part of it is hiding drug addiction). It was like nothing I said even registered in his head. He completely ignored everything I said about how I was done with it all. But at least he didn’t deny a word of its truth.

He basically just said if he doesn’t get his act together with work then he will take drastic measures to stop it. And then, would I like to go on a walk with him after work or maybe accompany him on some errands? Uhhh..... what?!?! Can you not read what I wrote?!?!! So when I said no, I will not do those things, he responded, “It’s like you’re trying to get rid of me.” WTF! Nice trying to turn it on me like I’m the bad guy.

I reminded him I had made my boundaries. He said, “Refresh my memory as to what they were.” I said, “My whole long letter I wrote to you!” He hasn’t replied since. We will see how it goes.

You guys helped me get the courage to finally write it. Pray that I do not falter in what I have said. I can not afford to backtrack and not hold my boundaries.

Hechosedrugs

You started off strong, like you were done with his bullsht but to be honest the ending sort of reads like an invitation for more of it.

I would really encourage you to avoid text messages, as they often aren't considered admissable evidence in court. Emails are much better. If I were you, I'd be working on trying to get him to admit to drug use via email. If you can get him to admit to doing drugs while the children were in his care, you're pretty much golden.

I know that seems mean, but let me tell you: Addiction breeds narcissism. Going to court against a narcissist is one hell of a battle. I don't think many of us realized exactly what we were up against until we were knee-deep in the middle of it.

I never would have imagined having to fight so hard to protect my kids from someone who not only had a hundred percent PTSD disability rating, but also had a raging drug methamphetamine addiction. But I surely did.

Missmac37

That letter is one I could have written word for word to my ex.
Absolutely everything you have written is how I feel and what I have experienced.
I gave up writing letters and even explaining anything now as it makes me look a fool. He already knows and has heard it a million times before and like you say will just be dismissed until you say what he has to do to come back (or bare minimum)
My ex used to say to me we had the perfect relationship when I didn’t know he was using. Lovely ! So he meant he got the best of both worlds. Lying to my face, deep in his filthy addiction and still pretending to be someone else. That’s how he wants it.
Keep up being strong and keep sharing

Aestrada

Yes, I too could make a copy of your letter and hand it to my husband and it would apply to all that addiction has done to our life.

Not long ago a NA member came to our Naranon meeting, he talked about how wonderful recovery was for him and that he had a beautiful fiance he loved so much and was so blessed to have. He said he told her it would be forever...except if he starting using again, then she needed to run like hell. That was validation to me that after trying desperately to save him with of course no success, letting go and letting him be was okay and what needed to happen now. I know my husband before relapse would have never wanted me around the man he became after relapse.

Thank you for sharing your feelings, because they really are most addicts loved ones feelings too. I try to hate the disease and pray for my husband's recovery. I don't express much anymore to the person he is now, because I don't feel much toward that person. He is not the man I fell in love with, not anymore. I feel more peace feeling that way.

Hang in there and know you are not alone in this.

HardLessons

Your letter was very well written. You did a much better job writing it than what I would have done. As I read it, I felt your emotions & passion.

Over the years, I have numerous letters which I have written & sent in the form of text & email. Countless face to face discussions concerning the same topic.

I never found any combination of words which made her (my addict) stop anything. She never even said the words thank you so much for these most meaningful words lets discuss this further. My words went nowhere.

I've come to learn the message of sobriety & recovery has to come from our addicts. Once they open that topic up for discussion, only then can our words reach them.

I am very sorry for what brings you here. I hope you find peace.

OpheliaKatz

Everything Hechosedrugs said. Also, I don't think he's at a place where he's going to be listening to you. Addicts are functionally insane (or act like it). I'm afraid you'll just have to organize to get him out of your house, get him out of your life, and communicate as little as possible with him. Please make sure that you secure your finances BEFORE he figures out what is truly happening because even if you are willing to be fair, he is an addict and is likely to play dirty. He is likely to do some very cruel things when you separate: emptying out any joint bank accounts is one thing I can think of. Starting a smear campaign against you is another thing he might do. You need to talk to some trusted friends and family right now for support. Know who your allies are... especially if you have children and you need help looking after them. Photograph or video (if you can do so safely) evidence of his drug use for the court. I know that you don't think this will get ugly, but you have already said that he's drugging and dealing and this proves that he has no qualms about putting your safety or the safety of your children (do you have children?) at risk.

Also, this is going to be difficult, separation and/or divorce are always difficult even if you don't have children. So please schedule your self care if you can: plan nutritious meals for yourself, plan to have at least 20 minutes to yourself every day where you get to reflect and relax and think of what you have achieved that day, even if your achievements are just things like "I did the laundry and ironed it".

I could have written that letter myself. What you wrote in it are things that I have thought to say to my ex... but in the end, I knew that he would not have cared. I have had to learn to accept that there will never be closure, that I had to make closure for myself by myself. I also had to accept that my life did not and will not turn out the way I dreamed, and that I had to let go of the dream. Those were the hardest parts of the end of the relationship.

nytepassion

His brain has been hijacked by addiction. What that is like is hard to fathom unless you've been there yourself and even then it still pulls the rug out from underneath your feet. He can hear you making noise, but it doesn't make sense to him. You are trying to rationalize with an irrational brain (a brain on drugs). You wrote to your husband, but your husband didn't receive it. He isn't in a "normal mindset" It is like talking to a bag of dope. You get no where.

The letter does serve as a way for us to get it all out and that feels good for the moment. We feel like we have found the magic words and said just the right things. Nervously we give them the letter and hoping he will see the light. How could he not, afterall we highlighted all that needed to be fixed and changed. Practically drew a diagram. It only turns out to be a great disappointment and another source of frustration because as soon as we give the letter to the addict their response, if they even bother to respond is never the eye opening we hoped for. To be honest most addicts won't even take the time to read all of it. They already know the drill. You're sick and tired and want change. Change includes the addict getting clean and blah blah blah if you don't I will blah blah blah and (insert Charlie Browns teacher talking here). https://youtu.be/ss2hULhXf04

If they do respond it is with anger or manipulation or both. He knows you and he knows what he can get away with. He has been doing it for the past 440 days or so. You're still bargining and threatening, gving ultimatums, guilting him with God. In reality you are trying to control the situation and strong arm him into changing. It doesn't work believe me. I know because I am a recovering drug addict alcoholic. When I first got clean my husband continued to drink and use. I journied down the path of rationalizing, begging, pleading, bargining, crying, screaming, yelling, guilting, givng ultimatums, lecturing, letter writing so on and so forth. I ran the gamut trying to make him stop using and save our marriage/our family.

I got tears and broken promises, lies, anger, shame, guilt, blame, called names, hatred, cussed at and the finger of everything wrong with our marriage pointed back at me.

Nothing I said or did, didn't say or do could stop the spirial of his addiction from taking him down. For years I tried and I finally had to let go because even though I was clean I was hanging onto him and going down with him. He was my drug, saving our marriage was my mission. I wanted him clean and sober so I could be happy with him and us.

But in order for that to happen he needed to change. He wasn't ready, but I was. Eventually his addiction left me no other alternative then to follow through with my threats to leave and I did so with the heart and hope that it would be the wake up call he needed to get clean, but unfortunately it wasn't. I began to see him from a different prosective and it broke my heart at how lost he was. My prayers became less selfish and I prayed for him not us.

I surrendered all my wants, wishes for a happily ever after and asked God to take care of him. During the course of my husbands addiction I had learned that I was an enabler after I left him I learned I was codependent and that I was just as sick if not sicker than my husband. I began to focus on my recovery and learned about detaching with love. I began healing and he continued to spiral.

He tried numerous times to suck me back in and I fell for it a couple times but it never lasted very long because I had learned so much and was moving along in my recovery so I saw things differently and could call bs in a matter of days not years. I knew his lifestyle did not fit with the things I wanted for myself and our children so he had to go once and for all. He had made his choice and I had made mine. I chose to live a life free of drugs and alcohol for myself and I surely wasn't going to stay in a relationship with someone who drank and used. He was free to do so, but the cost was he lost his family and sadly eleven years later he lost his life to his addiction.

It broke my heart to leave him, but if I had stayed it would have damaged me and our kids on a greater level. I did the right thing for us all and I don't regret it.

You can't control his addiction. Love isn't enough to save him because if love was enough there would be no addicts. Getting clean has to be his idea, something he wants and I mean like really wants for himself not because you told him he needs to be clean. It has to be his own true hearts desire not ultimatum driven because he will fail.

He has an addiction. His brain is not able to function like a "normal" person. When you enteract with him you are interacting with a brain on drugs. As I said before, it is like talking to a bottle of booze or a bag of dope. Its a go no where.

You on the other hand can read all about enabling, codependency, detaching with love. You will find amazing invaluable tools to help you help yourself as you navigate through life while loving an addict.

Knowlege is power and the key to freedom.

Hugs
Passion
Recovering addict, enabler, codependent

FeelingGreat

Thabo, am I right that you're telling him to go, as of now? Because you seem to be back-peddling at the end with words like 'the balls in your court'. Like there's something he can do to save your marriage? If I were him reading that letter I'd think there was some wriggle room there.

You wanted to get it all off your chest, and you've done that. The time for talking is over now, let your actions speak. No need to talk about boundaries or say anything. Put his things out, change the locks and go no contact.