ThaboThabo

We've been married for 5 years. He was 5 years sober from meth before our marriage. He relapsed November 2016 and hasn't recovered since then. We've had many battles, many tears, many fights, empty promises, and as you all know from experience, nothing changes.

Today I was doing laundry, opened his chest of drawers and found $600 cash. I was alarmed because I do all the finances and watch like a hawk for cash withdrawals precisely because of drug use. So I thought, he must have sold some of his tools for dope money. Some snooping on his phone showed that he has now become a small time dealer.

I took the money and thought I would use it to pay the credit card and see if he had the balls to ask about the money or if he wouldn't tell me about it. Only a couple hours passed before I got a text message asking if I had seen a wad of cash that he thinks he misplaced. He gave a BS reason why he has the cash that I could see right through, even without my new knowledge of where it came from.

I cannot afford to be around drug dealing. My job requires a clean background check and it is checked frequently, as every time I contract out with an organization I get another background check run. Maybe it's irrational, but I'm terrified of getting caught up inadvertently in this crap. Im afraid one day some of this garbage will be stashed in my car, and as I frequently go to Canada, a drug sniffing dog will find it and then I'm slapped with drug charges for something I've never even done.

Every time in the past that's I've tried to put up boundaries and kick him out, he has a "come to Jesus" moment quite conveniently at that time. Then I'm stuck with either looking like a bitch for not "supporting" him in his recovery ("Gee, I announce I'm finally ready to get sober and now you decide to kick me out? You're sure not very supportive!") or getting dragged through the false promises that I think have no substance behind them. I'm sick of it.

So far he does not know that I know about the money or the drug dealing. When, and how, should I tell him? And what should I be prepared to do? I'm getting less and less hopeful of all the usual things we hope for-- the rock bottom moment, the desire for recovery, etc.

I appreciate any advice regarding the situation in general, or my specific questions, as well as support as I feel so alone in this.

PuzzledHeart

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In my completely unexperienced opinion, I think the "when and where you tell him" details should take last priority. Set financial safeguards in place (ex. separate bank accounts) so none of his drug money contaminates your own, especially since you have to undergo background checks. Some of my friends had to undergo security clearances in addition to background checks, and that stuff is no joke.

You need to protect yourself, because obviously he's not going to do it for you. If he did care, he wouldn't be drug dealing.

tomsteve

welcome to the site,thabo and truly sorry for what brings you here.

im not that smart, but thinking that since your job/career could become in jeopardy, not even mention it and start plans to get out of this. it would really suck to read from you down the road something like,"he swore to get help so i stuck around but the help didnt last long and now ive had my car impounded at the boarder, put in jail there, and have no job."

Marcutah1

T.T. I don't know how to tell this long story short but here goes. My stepdaughter got involved with a White Supremacy gang. They dealt in meth and theft and forgery. It came to a point were I had to kick an 18yr old girl onto the streets. I too had a job where if I had any kind of felony in my past, I would never been able to have that job. There is much more to the story and it does have a happy ending. Meth messes up your mind something bad. It wasn't until she spent time in prison that she realized that she needed to change. Prison gave her all of the tools she needed to change. Tough love is hard to do and you have to look out for #1 because they are only looking out for their #1 and it's not you. It's meth. No time is a good time, the decision just needs to be made for your own good. Praying for you.

Missmac37

I completely empathise with your situation. I think that you may have to question whether you are happy to continue this journey with him.
You are NOT irrational to worry about your job or potentially getting caught up in his drug debts or having drugs stashed.
It is beyond selfish of him to be deceitful and lie to you and you are also going along with it by denying your knowledge of the money.
Is this the kind of marriage you want?
My ex kept doing the very same as yours, saying he was clean now (after a week) and doing great when I kick him out and I would let him stay and boom he would be right back to it.
It’s manipulation and shows a complete lack of respect for how you feel or your wishes for what kind relationship you want to be in.
I personally think you need to kick him out and give yourself so breathing space and let him deal with this mess. He doesn’t sound ready to get clean and you can’t afford to lose everything you have worked for.
Please don’t feel alone, this site is a wonderful place full of people who have walked your path answer understand what others do not.
Whatever you chose to do please keep posting and reading and take the support and care that is in offer. None of this is your fault and you cannot control his actions but you can control your own and protect yourself as much as you can

atalose

How have those "Come to Jesus moments" worked out for you so far? How has his words of getting clean and needing your support worked out for you so far? How about all of those promises, any of them come true?

History does not repeat itself – people repeat history.

At some point in time we come to realize we are no longer working on trying to save a healthy relationship but rather we have been working on a very long good bye.

ThaboThabo

So far none of his moments of recovery have lasted long, maybe two weeks at best. All of the promises are empty. Or rather, it's more like they aren't the priority. He talks about hating himself for using, and I do believe he is very sincere. He hates what he does, but not enough to actually put an end to it. He always has great ideas for stepping in the direction of recovery, like getting an accountability partner, going to meetings, etc. but those ideas last for a few hours and never get done when I remind him what he promised to do.

As of right now it has been 36 hours since I've even seen him. I last saw him when I left for work yesterday morning, and he never came home last night (an extremely frequent occurrence-- he manages to make it home about once or twice a week). Haven't talked to him, either-- no phone calls or text messages. I just don't have the energy or the emotion to care.

suki44883

Is this how you wish to live your one and only life?

ThaboThabo

Nope! I want to live the life we dreamed of together when we first got married. I ache and long to have that back.

Missmac37

I can identify with that. I felt that way for so long and hung on with everything I had, hoping that he would come back to who I thought he was. Drug free, no lies, no manipulation, stealing, hanging with drug buddies etc.
We had brief periods of it in between hell on earth.
What I found helped me reach to the point of being able to start letting was acceptance.
Acceptance that nothing, no pleading, begging, tough love, being in control of all the finances, anything worked.
Nothing I tried or didn’t try stopped him so I had no choice but accept that it was what it was.
I found a great deal of peace in acceptance and it took so much pressure and “responsibility” off me.
He always tells me he couldn’t live without and would just die if I left him but he has survived all these years without me fine.
He has a big family that care about him etc. More people who care for him in is life than I do.
Time to focus all the energy I spent trying to fix someone’s life on myself and it feels freeing and good.
I care for his wellbeing but I also recognise that’s a dangerous place for me as I care too much and find now that it is healthier to disconnect.
Maybe if you begin to withdraw from your marriage and start to put all the energy of worrying about him into you and yours you will start to see you are free to leave and remove all the toxic from your life.
Maybe acceptance that his addiction is progressing and shows no sign of slowing down because he doesn’t want it to, can be a way of you giving yourself permission to not live with someone who barely comes homes, lies and gets up to all sorts

atalose

Since that plan is not working out for you , what is your plan B?

Ann

I don't know the rest of your situation but feel compelled to tell you that there have been others here who have spent time in jail, lost their children and home....all because they "knew" their partner was dealing drugs. One poor soul only took phone messages from strangers who turned out to be bigger dealers. It destroyed her life.

You know what you know, his actions don't indicate change any time soon.

You are responsible for your choices and for taking care of yourself and your ability to make a living.

Please take care, dear, this is much bigger than a marriage gone wrong. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Hugs