Missmac37

Hi everyone, I’ve been posting a few times in the last couple of years but I couldn’t log back in. I’ve just been reading all the valuable advice and it’s been helping me so much.
I’m not sure if anyone remembers my previous posts but they were regarding my parter who was using heroin and then crack and Xanax.
All this escalated whilst I was pregnant and he basically stole, lied, disappeared etc and I ended up involving social workers to keep him away from me.
This was about a year ago and he has had had various slip ups since. Xanax, crack and smack but in shorter bursts. He has been caring and attentive etc while straight and has recently swore himself off all drugs and has been attending NA meetings and going to acupuncture at a drug recovery centre.
The problem is, I can’t forgive the awful things he has done to me. When our baby was 2 weeks old, he disappeared and came back 3 days later from a crack binge. He went to the toilet and I caught him pulling a needle out his sock.
He has been for on vallium and metrazopene kidding me on that he’s just tired but he’s really under the influence. I have grew to hate him. I no longer find anything attractive about him.
He has been clean and focused on his NA meetings for a few weeks after the last binge which saw him blow a huge amount of money. However last week he can homemin the afternoon and I just knew he was slow etc. He swore he hadn’t taken anything but fell asleep in the garden in the sun for 4 hours and peed my bed at night.
I hate how he keeps lying. Eventually he admitted he took Valium as they were offered to him and he’s felt awful after the crack binge and just took them to keep his mind off harder drugs and he would never do it again.
I kicked him out and he is making me feel so guilty. Saying all the terrible things happend because of drugs and it wasn’t really him, he was doing really well, he only slipped up on vallium, he will prove to me he will stay clean.
I don’t want this life’s anymore so why do I feel so guilty and bad? I spent years and years waiting for him to get clean and I just don’t care now. I sometimes don’t believe that drugs are the reason he cleaned my bank account out, stole out my bag, disappeared days on end..... these are not the actions of someone who loves me although he keeps professing he does.
He says his addiction drove him to do such awful things to me and those days are gone but only last week he was taking vallium and lying about it? He is so loving and caring when straight it’s so confusing.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, it feels so good to get this off my chest to people who truely understand and will tell it like it is

AnvilheadII

turn down the volume on his mouth for a bit......and just look at his ACTIONS. what do THEY tell you?

Missmac37

They tell me that he is so conditioned to using drugs that it’s normal and his behaviour isn’t as shocking to him as it is to me. I don’t think he sees his actions in the same light as I do. His dad was an addict, his brothers are addicts etc it’s all kinda normalised.
I know I don’t want this life and we have nothing left anymore as the rose tinted glasses have come off.
Why do I feel so guilty though? As if I’m leaving him when he is trying harder than he ever has? That he grew up around all the misery and doesn’t really know how else to really be

AnvilheadII

it doesn't sound like he's trying THAT hard, missy. he's still using. and using the "someone gave them to me" excuse......and lying and peeing the bed. he's just not using AS OFTEN. that is not recovery. he may be "trying" but his end goal is about getting YOU to come off the edge, be appeased, and let it all go back to that place he gets to do what he does and you stay off his back.

Missmac37

Yeah he seems to argue that because it’s not heroin or crack it’s ok. But it’s not ok he still has the lying addict ways. He swore he would tell me if he felt like using and never lie again as he seemed to understand how damaging the lies have been. I sound niaeve here I know. He said he lied as he didn’t want to argue with me about it and really needed to take the vallium as he felt so bad 2 weeks after his binge so basically needed them. He said they were rubbish and didn’t do anything much for him.
I don’t believe this to be true and think he took them because he could and the chance arose. I do not understand why I feel bad. I should be jumping with joy that I have finally decided to kick my codie ways and put me first,,, guess this is the last hurdle

AnvilheadII

He said he lied as he didn’t want to argue with me about it and really needed to take the vallium as he felt so bad 2 weeks after his binge so basically needed them. He said they were rubbish and didn’t do anything much for him.

just in case you are doubting......HORSE PUCKY! any time a person offers more than ONE reason/excuse for something they shouldn't do, it's a fabrication. the simple truth would have been, yeah i screwed up and took some pills. FULL STOP. but he has to try and enhance AND shift some of the blame to YOU.

those are not the things a person who accepts responsibility for their own actions does. he lies and will keep lying. it's time to stop buying any of it.

teatreeoil007

Go by his actions, not his words. He has an excuse and promise cooked up for everything. The only thing you know for certain are his actions. He stole from you, he left you, he keeps lying to you, his various behaviors. I'm sorry you're going through this. It must really bite.

Missmac37

Exactly, he makes me feels as if I’m being unreasonable and not seeing how much he has come on but the reality is he cannot go more than 2 weeks without some sort of drug just maybe not heroin or crack.
He’s on a methadone script he shouldn’t need a single thing more.
I just needed reassurance from those who know that I’m not going mad. That it is ok to have had enough. Its ok to not want to believe anymore and it’s ok to not want to just brush under the carpet years of stealing, lying and abuse is the name of drugs.
I’m scared of irational things like he may overdose and die because he may choose to binge since I won’t let him home. I know this is not my fault or my responsibility but it’s still scary.
It’s almost a relief to get to this point after so long spent sitting up waiting, the fear in the pit of my stomach, thinking I could never love again or see past him.
I just struggle sometimes with the notion of what’s really him and what’s the addict behaviour.
He tells me the stealing lying etc isn’t really him

trailmix

Interesting question really. If you are an honest person and you drink or take another drug and find you easily lie and steal, does that mean it's not you?

I suppose someone could make a case for that. The thing is, if the person continues to take the drug and therefore continues to lie and steal, does it matter why?

The only thing that matters is how that affects you, personally. Do you want to be in a relationship with a liar that steals and uses drugs?

As for the guilt, you have no reason to feel guilty about what he may or may not do if you decide he has to leave. I assume he was using drugs before he met you and will continue to do so after he leaves. Why do you think you have any control over this? You don't. He is a grown man and he is choosing this. Now, it's not as cut and dried as that, of course, but you can't "save" him. If your care could make him stop using drugs that would have already happened.

Well, you know it's irrational and that's good. It's just fear and fear will keep you paralyzed. He might binge, I assume he's done that over and over again? It has nothing to do with you, he will decide what drugs he takes and how much.

That statement is pretty telling. It's not crack or heroin so it's ok? In what world? That argument by him is not normal by any stretch of the imagination.

FeelingGreat

Well it is him isn't it? If he hadn't been there you'd still have your stuff.

It's ok for him to decide it was some disembodied evil twin, but in fact it was him. And he lied about the valium, so he's still doing it.

Is he making efforts to pay you back? Or isn't that necessary because it wasn't him?

tomsteve

addict- a person addicted to mind and/or mood altering substances,typically drugs.
reationalization- giving an acceptable excuse for unacceptable behavior and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.

he took them because he is in active addiction.


I just struggle sometimes with the notion of what’s really him and what’s the addict behaviour.
He tells me the stealing lying etc isn’t really him

he probably doesnt even know who he is, but at this time, he is an addict in active addiction- that is who and what he is at this time.

atalose

Using that logic, he can overdose at home as well……….and you can do what exactly to stop that?

It’s one in the same person, you are not dealing with two separate people here. His behavior while on drugs is him and that’s the reality of it, he is an addict, always was and always will be. The choice not to be an active addict is not something he’s really interested in. Seems he’s doing or saying he’s doing just enough to get you to buy into it.

Missmac37

Agree with all the above comments. It feels so good to finally not have to deal with him. I will have to at some point as he has clothes to pick up and he will want to see our baby, I really wish I could just go no contact.

OpheliaKatz

I've been in your shoes once. I know what it feels like to feel guilty, confused, and fearful when faced with this difficult decision.

makes me feels as if I’m being unreasonable and not seeing how much he has come on but the reality is he cannot go more than 2 weeks without some sort of drug just maybe not heroin or crack.

Only 2 weeks without some sort of drug? Blame shifting? He's not even sober let alone in recovery.

it’s ok to not want to just brush under the carpet years of stealing, lying and abuse is the name of drugs.

Stealing, lying, and abuse are deal-breakers in most relationships. Adding drugs to the mix doesn't mean he has an excuse for treating you that way, it (should) make it even more of a deal-breaker. It seems like deep, down inside you really just want out. If you're going to be fair to both him and you, you would leave. You can move on and try to live your life the way you want, he can move on and try to destroy his life the way he wants -- with drugs or drink.

I’m scared of irational things like he may overdose and die because he may choose to binge since I won’t let him home. I know this is not my fault or my responsibility but it’s still scary.

Yeah, I know what this feels like -- the fear of what they might do to themselves. It's not because of you. If he's home, he can still overdose and die. He can overdose and die anywhere.

I just struggle sometimes with the notion of what’s really him and what’s the addict behaviour. He tells me the stealing lying etc isn’t really him

It's him. If the lying/stealing isn't him, who is it? His evil twin? That's all him. He's everything you thought he was (all the good aspects of him are him, and also the seriously disturbing horrifying aspects too).

When life pushes someone far enough you really find out who they are. Some people just need a nudge, and then they decide that they have to change. Some people dig their heels in and refuse to change even when they're living under a tarp in the rain and eating garbage... and they blame everyone but themselves for their choices. It's very sad when this happens to people we love/used to love/have made families with/intended to make families with... and it feels like you've been amputated; but you need to take care of yourself and protect yourself from their choices.

He may not understand your decisions, but one day, deep down inside, even if he never admits it (even to himself), he will know why you did what you did.

teatreeoil007

We could all split hairs over the many questions raised, that are chiefly driven by guilt or potential guilt. But the truth is he is an addict, therefore the addiction is part of him. He is committing those behaviors that are so destructive in your life . His actions are done by him.He would love for you to separate it out and constantly question yourself so he can stay in your life and continue to reek havoc and use you.

Missmac37

Yes this is true. I say to him why on earth do you want to stay with me? I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is in my case 24/7 and it’s always “we get in, I love you” but then days later he’s coming in looking funny and I’m saying “have you taken anything?” He says “no! I swear!” Then as per more is always revealed.
It’s so boring and never ending. Until now,,, it’s been 3 days without him again since I told him to leave and I love it, starting to feel human again without having to constantly watch whether I am being lied to or stole from or if there is drugs hidden in my house.
It’s as though I can see clearly that he really doesn’t see that much wrong with his behaviour even though he says otherwise.

atalose

A court order along with child support can help you set a supervised schedule for visitation. That’s not something you want the addict to determine, when he feel like it. A court order is what is in the best interest of the child along with child support.

Bag up his clothes and send him a message that he can pick them up outside at the curb on X date.

Missmac37

Yes I intend to do that with his clothes. He doesn’t understand why I feel so hostile when he seems to think he’s been behaving and doing well.
My baby is only 9 months old, I am very raw from his hideous behaviour and he seems to think that just because he says it will never happen again I should just accept that.
I never ever let him look after our baby alone, he has never been allowed to take him anywhere and I’m not sure how to proceed with it. I guess he thinks he can come round a few times a week and I can drug test him and he can play with him here but I really don’t want that. Of course I cannot trust him to be clean but I actually can’t even bear his company anymore.
He will need to be the one to pull his finger out and arrange access through a contact centre etc. As for child maintenance... he is on benefits/ welfare for ADHD so I will only be allowed to receive £5 per fortnight which isn’t even worth going through the system for

Missmac37

I really appreciate the responses it’s helping me so so much. I think deep down my biggest issue is giving myself permission to put me first. I have spent so long taking a back seat to his issues, dysfunctional family, drugs etc constantly waiting for his promises to come to fruition.
Normalising what is most definitely not normal. Insanity at its best.
I think I have finally seen that I do have the wisdom to change what I can’t change and leave what I know I can’t.
The difficulty lies with the fact that this has been my normality for so long it seems alien.
The shock and horror of discovering the depths of his addiction and the first time he stole faded as it became a norm.
So I guess that is why he is struggling with why I see the vallium and lying incident there as so big given his track record.
Less of what he thinks and I need the courage and strength to follow through on what me and my kids deserve

teatreeoil007

This does all take courage. Remember courage doesn't mean you can't have any fears. Courage is doing what you need to do even though you have some fear. Put yourself and your baby first, amen.