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Old 05-29-2018, 07:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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The ultimate betrayal


It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off after I found out about it.

I'm a young mom (35yo) of 3 young kids under 10. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. My husband (40yo) is an addict. He's an Alcoholic, previously had 10 year sobriety, relapsed in 2011 and since then, a few times a year. Each time he relapses, he usually picks himself up right away.

OUR MARRIAGE

My husband and I had our ups and downs, but we used to have a strong marriage based on mutual trust, faithfulness and love. He is a great guy, loves baseball, intelligent, had a great job. He has a big heart, our kids were his life. He would miss the kids badly when he goes in on Mondays. He is a very sweet man, when sober. When he is not sober, he can do the worst imaginable things. Today, i wonder who he truly is.

THE BEGINNING OF OUR TROUBLE


In 2014, when I was pregnant with our youngest child, he got home very drunk from the airport. He wasn't a violent type. That night, he grabbed a kitchen knife and walked upstairs into our room when I was sleeping. He was pointing the knife towards his own chest and said he did not want to live anymore. I called 911 and they admitted him at the psychiatric ward. He was there for 1 week and then came out determined to be sober. A year later, similar thing happened, and I took him straight to the psychiatric ward and they kept him for a week.

A few weeks later, he stopped taking his anti-depressants. His depression got worse and he started to have severe back pain. He went to see a Pain specialist and was prescribed PERCOCET right away, but was told to get a complete blood count, plus imaging of his back and spine.

3 weeks had passed until the tests came back, and they were normal. The doctor told my husband he was no longer prescribe him Percocet. Upset, my husband thought it was "inhumane" for the doctor to drop him while he was still in a lot of pain; so he went to see another Pain doctor who this time, prescribed him Percocet. Every month, my husband would visit the doctor for a refill...This lasted for months. I slowly noticed my husband slipping into his own abyss. He started to sleep in a little more each day, and would not sleep at night. He complained more and more about his pain, he worked from home, but missed a lot of it because he was having a hard time waking up and focusing. His pain was unbearable, and he would go to the ER about once a month to get relief. This went on for a year. I told him I was concerned about his wellbeing and recommended he sees another doctor and to slowly get off the medicine. He started to get defensive, and saying things like, " you never support me", " all you care is about medicine", " you don't give a **** about me" etc...He continued to take his medicine for 8 more months in the meantime, he got worse. He now slept all day, and was up during the night. He missed a lot of work, was fired, got a new job, was fired, repeat...He missed a lot of times with the kids. I remember on our last vacation, we missed the "check-out" because he couldn't wake up. He was fine, just couldn't get out of bed.

Around May 2017, we went to see a Neuro-surgeon, who ran a new set of tests and upon receiving the results, confirmed that they all came back normal, and he recommended he sees a Neurologist, a therapist who can help him taper off his medicine. My husband initially agreed but then canceled the appointment and told me to not get involved with his medication.
We had a big fight that day, and he threw his pills in the trash, and then told me, he would "kill himself as a result." A couple of hours later, he went in the trash to retrieve the pills and started to be erratic. He started to slam doors, scream at me and the kids, and destroyed our window blinds and dresser. He said, "if you dare the call the cops, I will ******* kill them". He also quit his job because he was so angry at me for attacking his medicine.

I packed the kids to my sister, and went to court to get him ordered to be evaluated at the psych ward. He was at home when 10 police officers broke into the house. I was just a couple of blocks away, shaking, waiting for the cops to call me when they have him. He was asleep when they got in, and he was resisting them. He was fighting the cops, but they were able to handcuff him and took him to the psych ward. There, he told the doctors that I was lying because he hated the psych ward so much.

They kept him for a week. I wanted to visit him but he was angry at me and did not give me permission to see him. At the same time, I was hoping that they would evaluate him with "substance abuse". During the exit interview, I was present and pressed for them to further evaluate him and keep him until he had accepted to enter a treatment, or at least agree to taper off his Percocet...but since the medicine was prescribed by a doctor, there was nothing they could do and he was released.
When he got home that night, he said he "loved me very much" and that he will "taper off taking the medicine by August 2017."At the same time, nothing much changed except he was now more angry at me. His performance at work also took a turn for the worse and he lost the job he quit. He also mentioned he wanted to die, so many times. He knew I was going to call the cops if he continued acting erratic.

THE BETRAYAL

A few days later, he started to sleep on his male friend's couch a couple of nights a week. Soon, he said, he couldn't sleep at the house anymore, because he didn't feel safe and that he didn't want to end up in psych ward or in jail, since he was still taking the Percocet.
In the meantime, he complained that he missed me and the kids but that he couldn't stay at the house. He kept telling me he was sleeping on his colleagues' couches and sometimes in his car. He never really officially told me he moved out and intended to separate. I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years. When we separated, i went back to work for a very first time. I made money but still needed support from him.

2 weeks later, he opened a new bank account and said his income was now just his, and that he would be depositing money to our joint account. He gave me and the kids 2/3 of his income but was a jerk. Now mind you with 3 kids, a mortgage, car payment, food, activities, summer camps, I felt very blindsided and stressed about money.
He said he wasn't staying home anymore and that he needs to find a place to stay. He also confirmed we were now separated which still caught me off guard. I knew my husband was upset, but he wouldn't just take off and move out or worse "separate" without talking to me. He said if I hadn't called the cops on him, or if if had cared more about him, than the Percocet, he wouldn't have left home. He blamed everything on me. I told him I was willing to see a Marriage counselor to save our marriage but he declined. I repeatedly asking him to come home to work things out but he kept declining. Then he had a consultation with a lawyer, that confirmed he didn't have to give me a dime until we signed a separation agreement. He started to act like a jerk.
He then told me he was staying in the apartment of 2 sisters in the program. He swore they were like sisters and that he was not, and did not plan to be in in romantic relationship with any of them etc...He also said both women had been sober for 12 months and that they have a "no alcohol, no drug policy" and if he violated the policy, he would be kicked out of the apartment.

He started to make unrealistic demands, such as cancelling the kids summer camps, our vacation, asking he only sees the kids at his apartment. In the meantime, he still told me he loved me but that he just couldn't be at the house with me. Within the couple of weeks, he introduced her to me, as his “friend in program”. My mom was suspicious but i shrugged it off since i thought he would never, ever cheat on me. When the 3 of us were together during those pick ups and drop offs, they would act just like they were strictly platonic.

My kids started going to his apartment, and even slept over on some weekends. He said he was lonely. Then out of the blue, in September, he came back home because "he missed us". He also told me he was no longer on Percocet, but was now on "weeds" to help him with the pain and anxiety. When he briefly came back in September, October, he told me his dear friend was looking for a job part-time so since i just started working and need part time childcare, he suggested we hired her a part-time sitter. Since i was a fool, i did hire her for around 3 weeks - until he moved out again for the second time. I let her stay at our house to babysit our kids, go trick or treat with us on halloween and drove our kids around.

My husband acted very normal around. He knew i trusted him and would not question his faithfulness. Most of his friends were female and i got along with all of them. I often even cried to her, “I miss my husband, i so want him to come back home”, and she gave me a big hug, saying “I know, I know it’s hard”. They would occasionally pick the kids up or drop them off together, usually early in the morning or late at night. During this period, His car was at the shop so he Used that as a “perfect opportunity” to “borrow” her car, he would be driving and she would be seating on the reclining passenger seat.

When he was back at the house, he spent a lot of money on weeds, and most of his time in the basement smoking them. He was sleeping in, most of the days, and would be up all night. He would still have problems at work. And he would still miss things we needed to do with the kids. When he was out of weeds, he started to act like an ass again, and when I confronted him about it, he moved out of the house for the second time. This time, he said, he couldn't feel safe at the house.

A week later, he was fired for the 4th time within the last 18 months. He was now jobless, very little money came in and he still kept 1/3 of whatever he had. On thanksgiving eve, he asked my kids to be dropped off at the apartment to spend the night and then half of thanksgiving day with him. Around 1pm on Thanksgiving, he told me to come get the kids because their meals weren't prepared on time. He saw the kids on and off as he pleased in the meantime.

I started to get upset as he was not around the kids that much. He started to call me names, such as "****, nasty ass bitch, ******* *****, etc..."; and that he "would come into our house and destroy everything in it".
I went to court and got a restraining order against him. I have it now for 2 years, but lawful contact is allowed.

He got toasted by the judge, lost custody of our kids, and was not allowed to be in the house, but was required to make payment on the mortgage, and our bills, etc...
His lady friend, whom he called "roommate" came with him at the court for "support". He came to the house that night and his friend picked him up because he had "no gas". Again, as they made their way out of the house, I sat on the couch feeling oblivious. Now I look back and I feel like a fool.

**** started to get back around Christmas. When he came over on Christmas Eve, he had to leave during the day to babysit for his roommates kid because she had to go to the ER. A few hours later, he came back, and we watched a movie through his laptop while wrapping our kids presents. During the movie, her text messages popped out of the screen, saying, "I thought we were going to FaceTime at 1am?". THAT'S WHEN I FINALLY SUSPECTED THAT THEY WERE *******!

I confronted him about it, but he kept swearing they were just friends and roommates. The kids were asleep. Then morning came, the kids opened their presents, and then after that he went back to sleep on the couch until 4pm. I confronted him about it again, and this time, he started yelling. I warned him I had a restraining order against him and that would call the cops if he continued.

A few minutes later, The woman called our house the next day and I told her to %$$$ off. Did she care? Nope. She was waiting for him in the car outside our house.

I did try to make it amiable, but as a human being, I lost it that day. I told him in front of our kids that he was a deadbeat dad, that he abandoned us for the his mistress, and that he was the most selfish human being that I have ever known. I told him I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and our little kids, that and he was not welcome at the house anymore, and that I will be filing for divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then I threw his bag out of the door. The woman was impatiently waiting for him in the car outside our house. All of this was unfortunately witnessed by our 3 young kids. My oldest covered his ears with his hands and had tears coming down his face; my daughter cried hysterically; and my youngest one, took my hands and told me to go in the other room, away from my husband. Then he left. I apologized to my kids and told them, " daddy had to leave the house because he was screaming and because he did something that made mommy very upset". I still can't believe that that happened.

5 days later, I sent him an email reminder that the lawyer and I are meeting to file for divorce and that he will be served with divorce paper soon. The night before I saw my lawyer, he sent me an email telling me, "IM NOT DOING WELL AT ALL, I MISS YOU AND THE KIDS VERY MUCH" begging me to speak with him.
I filled out the divorce paperwork Thursday before Martin Luther weekend, our lawyer planned on sending the file Tuesday when the court opens. After meeting with the lawyer, I sat down with him. He cried the whole time and begged to stay in the basement to be close to the kids. At the time, I had suspicion about the affair, but no proof. He kept saying they were just roommates.

Then he came back in the basement, and I found out about the affair by going through his journals which was on the computer that he borrowed from me. He finally admitted everything to me. And I was heartbroken.

HIS EXPLANATION

He told me, he moved out because he was scared of going back to the psych ward or jail and needed a place he can escape.
Then he put an add on the AA club forum on facebook looking for a room, to which she immediately replied. They have been acquaintances for a while. She told my husband she was in a relationship with a man he knew, and that she had been sober for 12 months. She also claimed, she will kick him out if he drinks or does drugs.

My husband said his intentions were never to sleep with any woman, but to have a safe place to stay while he was figuring his **** out os he doesn't end up in jail.

He moved in believing she was a safe person to be around...and it was matter for days for him to sleep with her. She was in the middle of divorce herself so she recommended her lawyer to my husband, gave him advice on how things work now. A few days after they slept together, she told my husband she was on probation, because her boyfriend from 2016, took her fentanyl and died in her bed. She was required to secure her medicine in a safe away from anyone's reach.
However, She gave my husband the code of her safe so he could take Percocet from her. So all they did was sharing each other's Percocet and sleep all day for days.

I blame my husband for what he has done to me, but I do blame her as well.

THEIR BREAK-UP

The day my husband came back home, he told her he was going to stop by to grab his belongings. He told her he was going back to his family and that they were through. She was kind of blindsided and kept sending him messages and emails but he blocked her. He didn't talk to her about anything, just took off as if he didn’t even know her. A week later, he called her when I was around and told her, he was back with me and would like for her to stop contacting him. He told her to never contact “him or his wife again”. I could hear her cry on the other line. No, this does not make me feel proud or special at all, but what did she expect. She even asked me for money because she paid for my husband’s expenses when he didn’t have a job. I told her to get lost.

NOW

Now my husband and I are still together. Yes I know. Most people would have left. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but only time will tell. My husband had never cheated on any woman he dated until he crossed her path. He's a grown ass man and is responsible for his actions but I feel like if he hadn't crossed her path, he wouldn't have cheated on me. (please don't judge me, I'm sharing this based on the years of knowing him)

Some days, I feel like he cheated on me because he was misled and his judgment was clouded. So as a human being, he succumbed to the temptations and lost his integrity. By the time he realized what happened, damage had been done.
Our kids seem to be very happy that daddy is around and doing better health wise. He's more attentive to our needs and helps around the house. He is active in the program and sees a Therapist and Psychiatrist. He has been sober since he came home in January. He's more sensitive to my feelings and starting to enjoy things we used to do as a couple and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right thing to stay. I can't imagine explaining my kids when they say "daddy back hone now?" or "daddy coming hone soon?" or "I want daddy". They seem to be genuinely happy that daddy is back home.

But some other days, I hate myself for staying with a cheating, dishonest addict. I feel like he's an enemy, the betrayal, lies, abandonment, manipulation are too painful to let go. Sometimes I hate to share the bed with him. I still love him but don't see him as my soul mate anymore. I have resentment to what he had done to me and the kids.

What do you guys think about this whole thing. I know I can't make decisions based on what people say on the internet, but if you have any perspectives or insights, please Kindly share.

Thank you.

PS. I was tested for STDs, hepatitis, HIV etc... after I found out about the affair, and I'm thankful I'm clear.It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off after I found out about it.
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Old 05-29-2018, 07:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
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what you describe is the very definition of insanity. long before "the affair" happened. what a rollercoaster.
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Old 05-29-2018, 08:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
My husband had never cheated on any woman he dated until he crossed her path. He's a grown ass man and is responsible for his actions but I feel like if he hadn't crossed her path, he wouldn't have cheated on me. (please don't judge me, I'm sharing this based on the years of knowing him)
I sometimes think that having an extramarital affair is just another way of pursuing a high. You're just swapping one substance for another.

Quote:
Some days, I feel like he cheated on me because he was misled and his judgment was clouded. So as a human being, he succumbed to the temptations and lost his integrity. By the time he realized what happened, damage had been done.
The same could be said about his choice to relapse.

It's pretty typical to blame the Other Woman for her actions, but at the end of the day, your husband was the one who made those vows to you. She didn't.

Your kids may be asking for their daddy because honestly they don't know any better.

I was physically abused as a child (it was our caretaker), and I did a lot of mental gymnastics to make my daily existence more bearable. I said to her plenty of times that I loved her too. As a result, I minimized the abuse for a long time. As a child, I thought when she beat me up it was my fault. At university, I was severely depressed and the administration had me on suicide watch. When I finally opened my mouth (I was in college by then), my sister said I was exaggerating because we had deserved it. She still talks to her abuser, and now she smokes pot and god knows what else to dull the pain. Her own daughters no longer live with her.

Perhaps your husband is truly sorry for what he did. What is he doing now to prove to you that he's the partner you deserve? Does he have a recovery plan? Or is he trying to sweep everything under the rug?
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Old 05-29-2018, 10:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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There are a lot of betrayals in your story, it's not surprising you are feeling resentful.

One part I don't understand is part of his "excuse". He decides to leave your home and finds a place with some AA members. He wasn't even "sober" at the time, he was abusing percocet, so why was he looking for sober roommates? If he was going to be sober he could do that in your home and not be scared of being sent to the psych ward/having the police called.

Also he is 40 years old, why did he feel the need to move in with someone who would kick him out if he did drugs? It's unclear from your post what program he is in, is he in AA?

Do you trust him? Would he have cheated if he wasn't at such a low point? Who knows. Fact is he did. If the right circumstances were to occur again, do you feel you could trust him now?

Of course the kids are happy that he is home, this should not affect your decisions at all. They are children, they don't know that Daddy brought a knife in to the room while Mom was sleeping. That is the stuff of nightmares. You are their protector, all they know is that home is back to "normal", please put that aside when making decisions. "Normal" to a child is not necessarily normal in any other circumstance.

He is a drug user (still smoking weed?). He lied to you over and over and over about his relationship with the other woman. It wasn't a one night stand, he lived with her, took money from her, they had a relationship.

The fact that he coldly walked out on her is significant. He did that. He was in a relationship with a woman and abandoned her. That seems familiar.

He states he has never cheated on a partner before and based on your experience with him you believe him. You also believed that he was just this woman's room-mate. Please don't think I am laying any blame on you, just saying that perhaps he is just a really good liar. He didn't "confess" until you found the information and he couldn't lie about it anymore.

You've been put through the wringer by this man and I think you already know the writing is on the wall.

Something doesn't add up here. More will be revealed. Please have a plan B ready. I hope you are still working and perhaps able to put some money aside for yourself.

I'm sorry for your situation, it truly is terrible.
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Old 05-29-2018, 11:12 PM   #5 (permalink)
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One other thing, do you have a therapist? Do you attend Al-Anon? What are you doing for yourself?
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Old 05-30-2018, 03:41 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Everything that Trailmix said. I also second having a plan B. More will be revealed.

One thing that really stands out in your story is that he used the health system to keep his addiction going. He had various doctors giving him things. He pretended to have "severe back pain". He is really good at lying. I hope you keep thinking about that: he is an expert liar.
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Old 05-30-2018, 04:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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He no longer smokes weeds. I have a restraining order against him for 2 years, but lawful contact is allowed.

You brought up a good point about “the kids don’t know better”. To be honest, I think im staying because of fear of raising my kids alone in this fairly mean world. When my husband lost his job and was out, I had to borrow money ($500) to avoid our utilities to be disconnected from relatives and close friend (they knew what was going on). I had never borrowed money from them or anyone until that day. I managed to make arrangement and pay what I could but was still short. They were going to disconnect the services. I felt so desperate and lost. So I called his friend at 7:45 am, and asked if he would be able to borrow me some, he hung up on me and told me to never call him because it makes his wife upset. He never returned my call. This is a man who had been my husband’s best friend for 20 years. He has young kids who were friends with ours. He used to invite us and our kids over to his big house on so many occasions.

Then I called his step mom ( his dad passed, a very wealthy man who left everything for his second wife didn’t leave his own kids a penny). She now lives in a big mansion with her own kids and grandkds. I thought she would help me and her grandkids. She told me straight up, “ I can only do $200, you need to send me a copy of your utility bill and I’ll make the payment online. I’m widow so I won’t be able further assist you in the future.”
And She paid part of the bill and I thanked her.
Truth is it hurt me that those people who use to love us now saw me and the kids as “ potential burden”. They stopped caring once the knew our situation but would be loving and kind when my husband had a job and was around.
I can’t blame them for feeling this way because they’re not responsible for me and my kids. I paid her back and thanked her but deep down, as a human being I felt very sad.

Our life is somehow comfortable. Please don’t judge. I’m an administrative assistant and make 3% of what he does. Per my lawyer, The spousal support is usually for 10 years at the most. Child support would cover the kids most basic needs. I will have to sell this house and move myself and the kids to an apartment or someone else’s basement... He wouldn’t be required to pay for our kids college if he didn’t want to. In 10 years, My kids will be 13, 16 and 20. Our oldest has autism and is on IEP I will be 45. I’m scared to do it alone. I’m scared I won’t be able to send my kids to college. I’m scared he will remarry and his new wife would hate my kids and keep them away from Him. Im afraid my kids would be ashamed of their situation and will
Turn into drugs or alcohol. I’m afraid of so many things. I simply don’t have the courage to really do it yet.

It has been 6 months since he’s back. He‘ has been sober, he is being attentive to my feelings, he helps around with the kids. He works the program ( AA ) and is doing well at work. He sees a therapist and psychiatrist and is in compliance of the court order. He is not defensive and listens when I’m mad or sad. He hasn’t smoked weeds, or relapsed or done drugs since he came back. When he’s in pain, he lays in bed in fetal position sweating and shaking. He battles the pain through.He’s doing his best.

When I wake up in the mornings, I think about all the things he did to me. The little voice my head is telling me, “ you re better than this”...but then I ask myself how am
I going to do it.

Thank you for reading this. It helps to be able to write this out.




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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
There are a lot of betrayals in your story, it's not surprising you are feeling resentful.

One part I don't understand is part of his "excuse". He decides to leave your home and finds a place with some AA members. He wasn't even "sober" at the time, he was abusing percocet, so why was he looking for sober roommates? If he was going to be sober he could do that in your home and not be scared of being sent to the psych ward/having the police called.

Also he is 40 years old, why did he feel the need to move in with someone who would kick him out if he did drugs? It's unclear from your post what program he is in, is he in AA?

Do you trust him? Would he have cheated if he wasn't at such a low point? Who knows. Fact is he did. If the right circumstances were to occur again, do you feel you could trust him now?

Of course the kids are happy that he is home, this should not affect your decisions at all. They are children, they don't know that Daddy brought a knife in to the room while Mom was sleeping. That is the stuff of nightmares. You are their protector, all they know is that home is back to "normal", please put that aside when making decisions. "Normal" to a child is not necessarily normal in any other circumstance.

He is a drug user (still smoking weed?). He lied to you over and over and over about his relationship with the other woman. It wasn't a one night stand, he lived with her, took money from her, they had a relationship.

The fact that he coldly walked out on her is significant. He did that. He was in a relationship with a woman and abandoned her. That seems familiar.

He states he has never cheated on a partner before and based on your experience with him you believe him. You also believed that he was just this woman's room-mate. Please don't think I am laying any blame on you, just saying that perhaps he is just a really good liar. He didn't "confess" until you found the information and he couldn't lie about it anymore.

You've been put through the wringer by this man and I think you already know the writing is on the wall.

Something doesn't add up here. More will be revealed. Please have a plan B ready. I hope you are still working and perhaps able to put some money aside for yourself.

I'm sorry for your situation, it truly is terrible.
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Old 05-30-2018, 09:12 AM   #8 (permalink)
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You are in your 30s and employed full time. That's a better place than I was in when I left my husband and I can tell you that kids or no kids, you can and will survive if leaving is what you choose. So far you have reached out to his friends and relatives. Where are your friends and relatives?

You can send your kids to college. If you don't have the money to do it, they can get scholarships, they can work part-time. If you are afraid that they might turn to drugs or alcohol, well, having exposure to an addict parent might make this outcome more likely than if you leave your addicted spouse (which seems to be what you want to do, but are afraid of doing). If you are afraid of his new wife preventing him from seeing the kids, maybe that's for the best... but I really think you're thinking too far ahead here as none of this has even happened.

You have a house you can sell -- that's an asset. In 10 years when the spousal support runs out, your kids will be teens and it's only 5 years until the youngest can legally leave home.

Just think about your situation right now: your husband is back with you and struggling with his health... you feel resentment towards him and want to leave but are afraid of leaving. Do you think (be realistic here) that your husband will recover and never relapse... ever... again? Do you think he will be faithful from now on? Or has he shown you who he is? How long can he be "good"? What happens if you stay with him for another 10 years and then he relapses and also cheats again? By then the kids would have had 10 years of walking on eggshells around him. If you're 35 now, you are still young enough that starting over with someone else is a viable option (after you have had time to recover from this relationship... that is, if you actually want to start over with another person... you may just want to be single).

I had to start over in my 40s. If I could go back in time, I would have left at 35.

Of course, you have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids.
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Old 05-30-2018, 10:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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You are giving me a good insight. Thank you very much for this.
My family on the other hand has always been there for me. My mom and sister help with the kids most of the time.
I'm worried about things that haven't happened yet. I'm sounding more and more negative about the future and life in general. I think i need to buy myself some time (about a year) before i make decision. I kind of see what is written on the wall, and have nobody to blame but myself if things go down again.







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You are in your 30s and employed full time. That's a better place than I was in when I left my husband and I can tell you that kids or no kids, you can and will survive if leaving is what you choose. So far you have reached out to his friends and relatives. Where are your friends and relatives?

You can send your kids to college. If you don't have the money to do it, they can get scholarships, they can work part-time. If you are afraid that they might turn to drugs or alcohol, well, having exposure to an addict parent might make this outcome more likely than if you leave your addicted spouse (which seems to be what you want to do, but are afraid of doing). If you are afraid of his new wife preventing him from seeing the kids, maybe that's for the best... but I really think you're thinking too far ahead here as none of this has even happened.

You have a house you can sell -- that's an asset. In 10 years when the spousal support runs out, your kids will be teens and it's only 5 years until the youngest can legally leave home.

Just think about your situation right now: your husband is back with you and struggling with his health... you feel resentment towards him and want to leave but are afraid of leaving. Do you think (be realistic here) that your husband will recover and never relapse... ever... again? Do you think he will be faithful from now on? Or has he shown you who he is? How long can he be "good"? What happens if you stay with him for another 10 years and then he relapses and also cheats again? By then the kids would have had 10 years of walking on eggshells around him. If you're 35 now, you are still young enough that starting over with someone else is a viable option (after you have had time to recover from this relationship... that is, if you actually want to start over with another person... you may just want to be single).

I had to start over in my 40s. If I could go back in time, I would have left at 35.

Of course, you have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids.
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Old 05-31-2018, 07:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I think i need to buy myself some time (about a year) before i make decision. I kind of see what is written on the wall, and have nobody to blame but myself if things go down again.
You can buy your self as much time as you like, but at the end of the day, that's still time you spend waiting. While you are still thinking about it, you need to get yourself into recovery ASAP. By "recovery", I mean you should go to Alanon or Naranon where you can get support for yourself (not your addict spouse). You should also read Melody Beattie's books. The kids, if they are old enough, should go to Alateen or any other program that supports kids of addicted parents. There are services out there, so please take advantage of them. It's good that you're posting here.

The danger during the "waiting period" is if you forget to educate yourself about your situation (not his situation, yours), and you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, your boundaries may start to erode more and more... until he starts to figure out that no matter what he does, as long as he comes back with an apology and an attempt to be sober, you'll forgive him... until his next mistake. What he has done already (the cheating, the lying) is bad enough, but by giving him a chance, you're telling him that on some level, you're going to accept that he did these things and that you can forgive him. If you can, that's not wrong, but you need to be very sure about that, otherwise you're just wasting your time and his. Addiction is a daily struggle for many addicts... and it seems that this is what your husband is going to be dealing with: a daily struggle. What you have now with him may be as good as it gets.

Have a read of the stickies on this forum (and the other one too). They are all really good, really informative. It should help you to keep coming back and reading stuff here.
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Old 05-31-2018, 08:31 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You asked what we think...

I would encourage you to read through my past posts. I was on a similar rollercoaster. I had a restraining order against my ex and was holding all the cards, just like you. Then I found out what I had always suspected- that he was having an affair. I was so upset that I let this cloud my judgment. Suddenly it became all about, "She can't have him." I dropped the restraining order and let him back into our lives. BIG MISTAKE.

Now, looking at your post my first impression was that you write this out as if it's some kind of dramatic chapter book. You even have names for the different chapters. Could it be, that on some level, you are excited by the ups and downs? Looking back, I can definitely say that was the case for me. I was addicted to the high that always came after the storm. This was when my ex would be the perfect man. He'd shower me with compliments and tell me he was willing to do anything to make things right. He'd cry and tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he couldn't live without me. Sure felt good. But it was all fake.

You say you've been seeing him curled up in the fetal position, working through the pain. And yet you say that he's been completely sober for5 months, and that before that he was only smoking weed, right? Percocet withdrawal is supposed to clear up in no more than days, so... hmmm... all I can say is this sounds quite a bit like the "flu" my ex used to get quite often, that always seemed to resolve itself after a quick trip to the "store".

Please do start attending face-to-face meetings for support. You need to speak with people who have been in your shoes.

I had so many people telling me to leave my ex, but it never quite sunk in until I went to a meeting. Those ladies didn't have to say a word- it was written all over their faces. I looked around and realize, "Wow. This is bad."

All the best to you. Please keep posting.
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Old 05-31-2018, 10:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Finding meetings for yourself, Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA or any number of Family support meetings will help you find your balance and make decisions that are good for you and your children. Counseling wouldn't hurt either, you need support in place for YOU...regardless of how the outcome for him unfolds.

What's done is done, you know the truth, the future is unpredictable. It's good you have a job, maybe start making a plan for yourself in case he relapses. You may not need to use it, but having a plan makes it all more workable when the time comes.

I read a lot of pain in your post, I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray that you and your children can find a life of peace and love and safety and without abuse or the fear of it...with or without him around.

Good luck dear, I'm glad you found us.
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Old 05-31-2018, 10:39 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hechosedrugs,

Thank you for your input. I have been writing and writing about it in my journal, just thought it didn't really help because i couldn't really share it and get some insights from people who don't know me. Most of my family and close friends including our pastor, want me to leave. My mom and sister feel like i shouldn't.

So yeah, it looks like a book, it's just that i have been writing about it alot.

My husband asked that i dropped the restraining order, but i declined. He needs to comply with the order, going to meetings, and therapist and psychiatrist.

Sleeping on fetal position, i know he still has pain every once in a while. My therapist mentioned, some residues of the drugs can linger in his body for a while, and make him have pain. I'm not sure if this is a fact or just the therapist's thought. He's also still very depressed. There's always something going on and if he doesn't stick to a strong program, he will relapse.
I have noticed Pain, Depression and Guilt are recipes for his relapse.
This could be why the court told me to talk to Professionals and go to meetings.

I have enjoyed writing a bit. It is so painful to write at first but then i started to feel a bit comfortable and even know i'm sharing it here.

I'm thankful I found this forum! So much support and encouragement. I also love that people will tell me what i need to hear in a positive way.




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Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs View Post
You asked what we think...

I would encourage you to read through my past posts. I was on a similar rollercoaster. I had a restraining order against my ex and was holding all the cards, just like you. Then I found out what I had always suspected- that he was having an affair. I was so upset that I let this cloud my judgment. Suddenly it became all about, "She can't have him." I dropped the restraining order and let him back into our lives. BIG MISTAKE.

Now, looking at your post my first impression was that you write this out as if it's some kind of dramatic chapter book. You even have names for the different chapters. Could it be, that on some level, you are excited by the ups and downs? Looking back, I can definitely say that was the case for me. I was addicted to the high that always came after the storm. This was when my ex would be the perfect man. He'd shower me with compliments and tell me he was willing to do anything to make things right. He'd cry and tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he couldn't live without me. Sure felt good. But it was all fake.

You say you've been seeing him curled up in the fetal position, working through the pain. And yet you say that he's been completely sober for5 months, and that before that he was only smoking weed, right? Percocet withdrawal is supposed to clear up in no more than days, so... hmmm... all I can say is this sounds quite a bit like the "flu" my ex used to get quite often, that always seemed to resolve itself after a quick trip to the "store".

Please do start attending face-to-face meetings for support. You need to speak with people who have been in your shoes.

I had so many people telling me to leave my ex, but it never quite sunk in until I went to a meeting. Those ladies didn't have to say a word- it was written all over their faces. I looked around and realize, "Wow. This is bad."

All the best to you. Please keep posting.
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Old 05-31-2018, 10:40 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you very much.


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Finding meetings for yourself, Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA or any number of Family support meetings will help you find your balance and make decisions that are good for you and your children. Counseling wouldn't hurt either, you need support in place for YOU...regardless of how the outcome for him unfolds.

What's done is done, you know the truth, the future is unpredictable. It's good you have a job, maybe start making a plan for yourself in case he relapses. You may not need to use it, but having a plan makes it all more workable when the time comes.

I read a lot of pain in your post, I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray that you and your children can find a life of peace and love and safety and without abuse or the fear of it...with or without him around.

Good luck dear, I'm glad you found us.
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Old 05-31-2018, 12:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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To be honest, I'm very excited about a couple of things that went on my favor during the whole thing. I may sound mean, but it was for his own good.

1. when he was served with a restraining order! when the cops told me they served him, i was " YES!!" He was acting like an ass, expected me to come to him, but instead 2 cops showed up at his apartment and told him to stay away from me and the kids. He didn't talk to the 2 kids for 2 weeks. He didn't see it coming at all.

2. On the day of hearing, he scoffed at me when i walked in (as if this was my fault!). His lady friend was with him at the court. He asked the judge to let him see the kids at his apartment. Instead, the judge extended the order for 2 years, awarded me full custody of the kids, exclusive use of our house and car; and him having LAWFUL CONTACT ONLY. He was also ordered to comply to see a therapist, psychiatrist and AA sponsor and report to the court every month for 2 years. His girlfriend was soo disappointed. She had planned to have my kids spend half day of XMAS at their place. I told him, either he comes to the house to see the kids, or he does not see his kids. He showed up. His girlfriend ended up feeling sick.

3. when he said, that if i dare to call the cops when he threatened to kill himself, "i would see dead bodies in the front of our house". I still called the cops, and he ended up being the one handcuffed and taken to the psych ward.

4. when he came home with 2 cops, to take "his laptop" from me. He gave me his laptop as a gift last year, and borrowed it from me, to look for jobs when he was jobless. I let him borrow it, but then when he came over on Xmas, i took it away. He came back the following day with 2 cops, saying he wants to grab his belonging. The cops admitted in front of us that he can't force me to give the laptop to him, because it was mine. I told him to leave the house and leave me alone. When he was leaving towards his gf's car, i told him he was a fool. He got so mad but had no choice and slammed the door.

So yeah, i guess i like those parts ( i don't know if i should) but it just helps me feel a bit better knowing that at least, he now knows that i will not hesitate to take his butt to jail if he bullsh%$% me.









Now, looking at your post my first impression was that you write this out as if it's some kind of dramatic chapter book. You even have names for the different chapters. Could it be, that on some level, you are excited by the ups and downs? Looking back, I can definitely say that was the case for me.
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:02 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Am I understanding this incorrectly? I thought you said the restraining order is still in effect. If so, you could be getting yourself in seriously hot water. Let's say he does something crazy again. Your restraining order will not only be useless, but I believe if you report it you could also be charged with entrapment for causing him to violate it.

All these victories you're, dare I say, celebrating- could work against you now. You've now filed proof with the court that he is a danger to your children, and are continuing to expose your children to them. That's failure to protect.
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:33 PM   #17 (permalink)
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how can you have a valid restraining order in place yet the person is living with and sleeping with you????
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:35 PM   #18 (permalink)
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No no no. His restraining order is LAWFUL CONTACT ONLY, means that he can be in the house and have relationships with me the kids as long as he is peaceful and going to meetings, therapist and psychiatrist.

He’s allowed to be around as long as he is peaceful and complies to the court order.






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Am I understanding this incorrectly? I thought you said the restraining order is still in effect. If so, you could be getting yourself in seriously hot water. Let's say he does something crazy again. Your restraining order will not only be useless, but I believe if you report it you could also be charged with entrapment for causing him to violate it.

All these victories you're, dare I say, celebrating- could work against you now. You've now filed proof with the court that he is a danger to your children, and are continuing to expose your children to them. That's failure to protect.
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:49 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I don’t know what state you live but in Virginia, “ LAWFUL CONTACT” is allowed by a judge on some restraining orders as long as the accused complies to the court order ( go to meetings, see a therapist, a psychiatrist and not do any drugs or drink, no threat to self harm; or threats or destroy property, etc...)




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how can you have a valid restraining order in place yet the person is living with and sleeping with you????
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:52 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Im not violating the restraining order. My lawyer and the court made that very clear. They knew my husband and I were separated at that time but that he can be in the house with the kids etc...as long as he complies with the court order. I may be having a hard time leaving him, but I do respect the law.


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No no no. His restraining order is LAWFUL CONTACT ONLY, means that he can be in the house and have relationships with me the kids as long as he is peaceful and going to meetings, therapist and psychiatrist.

He’s allowed to be around as long as he is peaceful and complies to the court order.
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