coloradonative

Hi all,

This is my first post. I apologize if similar threads already exist - I am currently studying for nursing boards and have had limited time to view other posts.

I am seeking advice or encouragement regarding dating someone in recovery. My boyfriend of 4 years is a recovering heroin addict. I knew of his past when we met, but believed all would be ok since he had over a year of sobriety at the time. During our time together, he has relapsed twice, both for a few months. He had nearly 3 years of sobriety before his latest relapse this spring. He has now been sober for 2 months, is taking care of himself, and seems to be doing very well.

I, on the other hand, have been shaken to the core by this relapse. I always understood that relapse was a possibility, but believed it was less of an issue as the years went on. With 3 years of sobriety, I was ready to marry this man. We were preparing to look at rings. Now, I am so unsure of what to do - whether I should leave him. He is my best friend, and has been my rock through many difficult times. He is kind, generous, supportive, loving, funny, and intelligent. Since the relapse, he has been so patient and understanding of my conflicted feelings. When he is sober, he is the exact picture of the man I always thought I would marry, and I wish so desperately that addiction was not in the picture.

I'm not sure if I can vow to spend my life with him - "in sickness and in health" at this point. I have some religious convictions against divorce, and I don't want to marry him with divorce in the back of my mind as a way out down the line. However, I love him dearly and can't imagine no longer having him in my life. I am terrified of making the wrong choice - breaking up with him only to find that he maintained long-term sobriety and I missed out on a life with him, or marrying him and dealing with future potential relapses once we have a family/mortgage/etc.

Any insight would be greatly encouraged. I apologize for the length, but am so thankful for the time taken to read and respond.

AnvilheadII

hello and welcome....

i am glad that you are giving great thought to committing yourself legally to someone who currently has two months clean. sadly with addiction, recovery is not automatic. while recovery IS possible, GETTING there can be a long and arduous rode.

there are no guarantees.

you can still love this guy and slow the roll. there is no rule that you HAVE to commit to marriage TODAY. give time time, honor your own resistance.

HardLessons

I know you said you are extremely busy, I suggest you rake some time when you can to read about addiction in general & specifically heroine addiction

Addiction to heroine is serious business sobriety & recovery are pretty much a lifelong struggle

You said he is perfect marrying material for you except for addiction. Except for addiction to heroine is a huge caveat. Rather call it a huge red flag

I think you are very wise to be extremely cautious regardless of how you feel for him

Do you know how long he has been addicted to heroine?

coloradonative

Thank you both for the responses -

I am not so much wanting to rush into marriage as I am trying to decide where my life will be headed over the next few years. I feel that while I am dating someone, it is appropriate to think about whether or not I could see myself married to him someday, even if that someday is later rather than sooner. I'm trying to avoid wasting my time in the sense of continuing to stay with someone who is not right for me, and in a relationship where there is really no future.

Regarding his past, he began using in high school. He used on and off for about 5 years before beginning a residential treatment program. He was then sober for a year, and I met him as he was finishing up his program.

HardLessons

I guess the fact that you are seriously questioning this relationship should tell you something.

I know for me when I get to the point where I am still in but am seriously questioning why - I am in reality on my way out.

I have never had a period of time with my addict where she was sober & seeking recovery. But I have had those periods of time where she seems stable. She's stable until she's not stable. Then all hell breaks loose.

Addiction to heroine is progressive & extremely destructive. Im not a heroine user but ive experienced it first hand. Its not been a pleasant experience.

I hope you find your answers.

53500

Colorado, that this is a strong enough concern for you to join this forum and write about it: that should tell you something. That your gut is telling you, put the brakes on, this man has a very serious problem.

You are right to be shaken by his relapses. Unfortunately there will never be an assurance he'll never relapse. You'll have to decide if you want to live with that uncertainty.

Many years ago, I almost married a heroin addict. There was a time in our 4+ year relationship where he was clean, committed to recovery, participating in a program, for about 18 months. Then his attitude changed. He told me he'd "had a few beers". I had no way to know if "a few beers" was really all he'd had but that's when I left him. I loved him but could not sign up for any possibility of living with addict chaos again. I never regretted this decision.

Maudcat

Hi, coloradonative.
Welcome. Lots of support here.
You are wise to proceed cautiously.
It is possible to recover for a time from heroin addiction, as ypur SO has demonstrated, but relapse is always possible.
Frequently, the addict trades one addiction for another.
Good luck and good thoughts.

BlownOne

There are no guarantees in marriage or in life. Are you willing to make a lifelong commitment to someone who is struggling to stay sober from a potentially deadly narcotic? Being married, having children, a mortgage, and all the rest that can accompany that? Because TBH, I would not. Yes, he may sober up and stay there, but it's a very high risk proposition. There are plenty of other men out there who aren't addicted and have the energy and maturity to engage in an adult relationship. The rest of us have to put a lot of time and energy into our recovery. Just food for thought. I wish you well whatever you decide.

hopeful4

As an upcoming nurse, I am going to say you know the statistics about H addiction. The chance of relapse will be there....forever.

I would run, and run quickly myself. I agree with the post that says if your gut is telling you something, you listen. I am sure you would eventually like to have a family with this man. Raising children with an addict and seeing those children hurt, and it's out of your control, is the most awfully painful thing you will ever go through.

I say this all with kindness because I know it's painful.