Please help
 

I have been in a relationship with an addict for 4 years. I didn't know he was an addict when we got together.
There is so much to tell about the past 4 years, but fast forward to now...
he didn't come home from work on Monday night. He showed up at 3:30 a.m. (this morning) in a cab. He had been abducted by drug dealers on Monday night and held until this morning. The dealers have my car which has my address on the insurance papers. So they know where I live. They want money and have made threats if the police are involved. He has no money. I am in shock.

and you know he was abducted how? because HE said so?

i'm sorry to hear you are still playing this game...........this latest should not a be a surprise whatsoever.

Since Monday how many phone calls for cash did you receive from the drug dealers who abducted him?

Are you/we suppose to believe that these drug dealers held him for 3 days then put him in a cab which they had to pay for and sent him home to get money they already know he doesn’t have? Yeah – no!!

I call BS………………….report your car stolen and kick this person to the curb.

more likely, he owes the dealers money after his three day spinner, and he told them to hold the car til he gets the $$.

call the cops. this isn't like you see on the movies.

Agree.

Sad that you are still on this merry-go-round. Your quote is from January. He clearly has a history of taking your car. Step away from the entire mess and let the police deal with it. You deserve more, but you have to want that for yourself and your children.

...

I saw the comment about something being wrong with me and it is true. I don't want to feel this way and keep getting hurt by this man but I can't stop myself. I have taken many steps to get help and yet I still haven't broken free from him.

I am suffering deeply from my worsening illness...now needing surgery in June on my esophagus and having problems with my aorta from the the scleroderma. And I have constant stress and anxiety from this man.
All of this while working and taking care of my kids. It's a lot.

so what you WILLING to do?

i truly can't understand your attachment to this person - as he has repeatedly and consistently done the same thing over and over and over.....it's like you are truly living Groundhog's Week.

your children deserve better. it's sad that you can't put them or yourself first. you are making your own health worse as well as the financial security for them. yet you keep throwing it all away for a worthless lowlife who probably laughs with his buddies at what he can get away with and how often you'll take him back. you serve ONLY as a resource for him.

It is a lot. While you may not be able to control some things, this is one thing that only you can control. If he is making you suffer, break free.

I am sorry you saw that post, and I pray that poster does not see that as our way here. It was not in the spirit of what we do here at SR, which is to support and encourage. We believe in you that you can make these changes in your life, now you have to move forward and believe in yourself.

I am a single mom. I get how hard it is. However, I analyze the other things in my life and try to minimize anything I can to bring myself more peace. That includes keeping toxic people out of my life.

I am legally bound to my XAH b/c we share a minor child. Even then, I speak to him as little as possible, and do everything in my power to have less stress in your life. You need a plan of action, and to follow it!

Sending you a hug.

OT, your thread title is:
Please help
im reading a massive amount of insecurity and fear-possibly fear of being by yourself and that brings the feeling of insecurity. better to have this....ehem...man...in your life than be alone, which if you were to get rid of him and truly put in the footwork on you, you can become quite comfortable in your own skin by yourself( its quite an amazing feeling).
however, maybe its time to think about whats best for you and,just as important, your kids. their future is being shaped right now. they can be learning that this behavior is acceptable- both in that it is acceptable to not be accountable and responsible for their actions( like the addict) AND it is acceptable to allow the insane behavior of an addict in their lives.
and this crap sure as hell aint helpin your health. you deserve to have a happy,safe homelife.
the only thing i can think to say is get some courage and make that phone call to the police to start.

OT4, this was your post from December 2017 - it is eerily identical to your post today, including the title.
nothing has changed.
not.one.thing. .

what is your PAYOFF for staying in this horrible situation? you are "getting" something out of it.............

Please Help
I have been posting on Friends and Family of Alcoholics off and on for a long time now. I have since learned that my "fiancee" is also using drugs.

I am seeing a psychiatrist for meds for depression and have been seeing a therapist from the abused persons program for months.

I have to get ready to go to work now which is challenging because I am so upset and anxious. So, I am unable to tell my whole story now but you can find it by looking for my earlier posts under OT4Kids.

He has recently stolen almost all of my money as well as my second car. How do any of you who have been in a similar situation recover from this?

I will write more later when I can.

I hope you are all doing well and have been taking care of yourselves.

Thank you for being a life line for me.

This has been going on for quite some time, OT. We cannot help you if you aren't willing to help yourself. You have received some good feedback on your posts, but if you aren't willing to take the steps to make things better, nothing is going to change.

You deserve better than what you are living with and your kids certainly do. If you won't do what is necessary for yourself, at least please do it for your children.

I have taken many steps to get help and make things better, but still haven't been able to cut him out of my life.

That aside, he was meeting with the dealers at noon yesterday and there has been no word from him since. I am terrified.

OT, i would think that you could take a gazillion steps to get better but you and the safety of your children wont improve until you take the steps to get him out of your life.

its a great day to decide to start the process.
you and your children deserve it.
on the children- have you considered how this all is effecting them?

You are at a critical point, OT.

You can either accept that this man has nothing to offer you but more stress, pain, and worry, or you can continue to deny that reality, keep getting sicker, keep hurting and being terrified, keep making your own life worse by allowing him around.

In life, pain is inevitable. Suffering, however, is optional.

As to this current crisis, call the police.

It's pretty typical of a user to disappear off the map, especially after they meet up with a dealer to get their hookup. That is the reality.

So how much money did you end up giving him?

Wise posters say on these forums all the time. When the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of changing is when we can finally change. Your fear of this change must be enormous. Maybe something you could reflect on and speak with your counselor about?

Sometimes I obsess over something illogical to distract me so I don't have to worry about something I'd rather not think about.

Do you choose to be with him so you don't have to think about yourself?

so - you have him MORE money and he disappeared and you're......surprised??? how is that even possible?

Gave....not Have....

Ok OT, after reading through all these posts and your response to them, I think it’s time to make an important move for your children. This is an extremely unsafe situation for all of you.

It sounds to me like you need to get someone else involved ASAP who will intervene and take direct action where you feel you cannot. The reasons seem baffling to us, but I have no doubt your inner turmoil is agonizing and blinding you from doing what you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe.

There must be someone that you can call who will call the police, or do something - anything - that will make your lives safer? It’s clear you cannot bring yourself to do this on your own. You’ll have a lot of work to do on yourself and your sense of worth in the future, but based on everything I’ve read here, your immediate safety is in jeopardy right now. This man is looking out for nothing and no one other than his addiction, and it seems he’s willing to make bigger messes to try and cover up previous messes. This will all amass into one giant heap; do you really want to dig yourself out of that, dragging your children along? Come on.

Get in touch with someone who is involved enough that you trust them, but not so involved that they cannot do what needs to be done (get this man and his terrible behavior away from you). Do it today regardless of whether or not you hear from him.

Further, if and when all this comes out, you will be seen as complicit in all of this, possibly even an accessory to a crime. Not to scare you, but you know where this could lead... and I’m sure you don’t want that.

Yikes! :)
I can hear from your posts that you are struggling. PLEASE get to a Nar-Anon meeting. There you will find experience Strength and Hope from people such as you who are currently struggling with detachment OR have successfully detached and are thriving. I know it can feel like people are being harsh in their postings. But they are coming from their own experiences, and everyone is different even as they are similar because EVERY individual human is different! Even Addicts are all different. And you did ask for help! LOL. Be careful what you ask for!:)
That being said, learning from other's experiences is a good thing and it can help us to see it without our codependent, enabling, addict-filtered lenses:)
Still, we posters should always remember, (as we encourage others to move in a healthy direction,) we all heal in different time frames and are often in different places of recovery. Sometimes a butt-kicking is necessary, sometimes a hug is better, but it's hard when we don't see each other in person to know which is best at the time! But people who take the time to post are only doing it out of love. So take it like that.
As for you, Just keep trying to take steps toward your own recovery.
KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU! and your kids.
That's a good place to start. Then give his $#%! to his Higher Power and let his HP hold it for a while ( NOT YOUR JOB!) so you can focus on you! Which is your job!
Peace

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate the input and I do want help. I continue to see my psychiatrist for my antidepressant as well as my abused persons program therapist (though missed her for over a month since she was out on leave). I have been taking care of my physical illnesses as well, much more than in the past, having countless tests that i had been putting off as well as scheduling my surgery for next month . I am a good mom...spending a lot of quality time with my kids and supporting them in school and all of their activities. I bust my butt at work, working hard with the families and children that I serve. I have also worked hard to catch up my paperwork at my job (which I was behind on for a long time.)

I don't know why I am having such a hard time going and staying no contact with him. What I do know is that I do care for him deeply, I wanted with all of my heart to help him. I also can't imagine living without him...this is the piece that doesn't make sense. My therapist says that she thinks I don't see that there is a way out since my mom has always been extremely critical of me and nothing I did was ever good enough for her and that as I child I had to make the best of it since I couldn't leave, and that now I feel like I have to stay in this relationship no matter what. That I can't see that there is a way out. The other piece is that she says maybe i have sunk so much money, time, energy, etc. Into him that I feel it just has to work since I have invested so much.

I can't sleep and am anxious all of the time. And I really think something has happened to him
This is all freaking me out. I have a friend whose boyfriend was an addict and she told me that she left him and months later he was thrown or jumped out of a window in the city where my guy is, and her boyfriend died

OT4, I get it. It’s not right or something I’m proud of but I have been in your situation many times and still couldn’t leave.
What is it that makes you stay? Is it because you want to help? When you know why then you can deal with his manipulation.
My reason for putting up with the BS was that financially my kids life would have been unbearable and despite having a ‘back up plan’ I couldn’t justify making them live a life of poverty. But, my AH was always relatively high functioning - even at his worst- and was bringing in a fairly substantial income. (I’m sure I will get a lot of criticism for this!)
At the moment, he is clean and attending meetings but our relationship isn’t the same anymore and I know that it will never go back to how it was. If you are clinging onto the person he was or how your relationship used to be, then think carefully about whether you could forgive and forget all the erratic addict behaviour if he were to get clean - I’m finding it difficult to let go of all the anger and hurt

I think this is part of the issue - you EXPECT it to be easy, because if it is easy, it is right, yes?

I sometimes find that people mistake bravery for fearlessness, as if the reason why you do brave things is because you're not scared to do them. That's not the case at all. Of course it's going to hurt. Of course leaving him will cause you pain. The trick is to accept and embrace that pain for what it is - the first signs of healing.

My mom was extremely critical of my sister, my qualifier, when she was younger. Half the time she was critical of ME - she even wanted me to get plastic surgery to fix my face. My sister wasn't able to let that criticism go, and when my mother disapproved of her last boyfriend that was her signal to hold onto him for nine years, even though he was a pot addict and didn't even own his own car.

Honestly it's still sad. My sister still has arguments with my mom on whether or not to take her kids to the store. When it happens, I just sit back and wonder why she, after all these years, she still seeks my mother's approval. Just take the kids and let my mom tsk tsk all she wants! Who actually cares? It's as if she doesn't have the confidence to own her own decisions and is blaming my mom for it. She doesn't know she has the right to claim her own confidence and self-respect.

You do too.

Call the police, now.

My car went missing. My son's so-called friend was doing repairs for me. Long story short, he actually gave/sold/traded/paid off debt by giving my car away. When we got the car back, there was a cell phone in it. Naturally I scrolled through it, and there was so-called friend's texts on the phone, looking for drugs.

I figure that eventually he was going to claim the car was stolen or that he had repaired it and was bringing it back to me and was carjacked, or some other fantastic story.

Drug addicts lie, they cheat, they steal.

CALL THE POLICE

(sorry for the CAPS lock!!)

I am sure he is aware of how much you care for him and he is confident that no matter how much he lies, manipulates, steals or for how long he disappears ... YOU will be there for him. He can waltz back in and give you some bullshyte story about the big bad drug dealers that he owes money to that will hurt (possibly even kill him) if he doesn't pay them.

Point blank he fabricated the story all the while relying that your love for him and your fear for his life ... You'd fork over the cash to save him.

This is classic addict behavior and tactic to get money. He manipulated your emotions and has now disappeared. Where is he? What is he doing? He is out there somewhere USING! He is getting high off the money he got to pay the dealer.

Obviously he has some place to stay while he is out there getting wasted. He'll wander back home eventually.

Do yourself a huge favor and go to Nar-Anon meetings. Read all you can about addiction, enabling, codependency, detaching with love. The information is priceless. Knowledge is power and the key to freedom.

You are powerless over him and his addiction, but you are not powerless over your life. You can choose to call the police and report the car stolen. You can say no when he is trying to manipulate you for money. You can take back your life. It starts with educating yourself and applying what you learn, putting it all into action. If you want different you have to do different. Many times we have to give up our ideas of having a happily ever after with them and look to ourselves to create the kind of life we want. You gotta be willing to lose him in order to find yourself.

Hugs
Passion
Recovering Addict