When your loved one has nowhere to go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
When your loved one has nowhere to go
No home, no job, and no insurance. No family that will accept him into their home.
How are they to get help on their own?
Feeling like I should have never decided to leave my apartment, because now he has nowhere to go if he wants to get help.
Sincerely,
Torn and confused
How are they to get help on their own?
Feeling like I should have never decided to leave my apartment, because now he has nowhere to go if he wants to get help.
Sincerely,
Torn and confused
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Meghan.
I understand and empathize with your worry.
But...why is it that he has no job, no home, and family won’t take him in?
Bad choices on his part, yeah?
There are places he can go, but of course, shelters are no day at the beach.
Has he shown any inclination to get help?
I understand and empathize with your worry.
But...why is it that he has no job, no home, and family won’t take him in?
Bad choices on his part, yeah?
There are places he can go, but of course, shelters are no day at the beach.
Has he shown any inclination to get help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Hi, Meghan.
I understand and empathize with your worry.
But...why is it that he has no job, no home, and family won’t take him in?
Bad choices on his part, yeah?
There are places he can go, but of course, shelters are no day at the beach.
Has he shown any inclination to get help?
I understand and empathize with your worry.
But...why is it that he has no job, no home, and family won’t take him in?
Bad choices on his part, yeah?
There are places he can go, but of course, shelters are no day at the beach.
Has he shown any inclination to get help?
I recently told him I cant help him to get help but now I'm feeling guilty and desperate for leaving him to hang himself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he did rehab/detox not that long ago....was doing well.....and then chose to get loaded, again. he certainly does have other people in his life besides you......he is perfectly capable of taking off, getting dope and living the high life for days at a time, sleeping around, etc.
he is trying to turn you back into a RESOURCE. remember the shape HE left YOUR apartment in??? now he's all oh woe is me, i'm such a lost little boy out here in the wilderness with the bears and wolves. yet two weeks ago he WAS the wolf...........
that he never got a job and held it is HIS problem.
that his family has (supposedly) cut him off is due to HIS actions.
that he has not cultivated friendships.......
that he is broke........
he could have his @ss parked at NA meetings right now.....they are free and he'd be around and connected with other likeminded sober individuals.
AND.....you are not the only number in his call list. it just SEEEEEEMS that way, honey. because you are a sweet caring tender soul
he is trying to turn you back into a RESOURCE. remember the shape HE left YOUR apartment in??? now he's all oh woe is me, i'm such a lost little boy out here in the wilderness with the bears and wolves. yet two weeks ago he WAS the wolf...........
that he never got a job and held it is HIS problem.
that his family has (supposedly) cut him off is due to HIS actions.
that he has not cultivated friendships.......
that he is broke........
he could have his @ss parked at NA meetings right now.....they are free and he'd be around and connected with other likeminded sober individuals.
AND.....you are not the only number in his call list. it just SEEEEEEMS that way, honey. because you are a sweet caring tender soul
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
he did rehab/detox not that long ago....was doing well.....and then chose to get loaded, again. he certainly does have other people in his life besides you......he is perfectly capable of taking off, getting dope and living the high life for days at a time, sleeping around, etc.
he is trying to turn you back into a RESOURCE. remember the shape HE left YOUR apartment in??? now he's all oh woe is me, i'm such a lost little boy out here in the wilderness with the bears and wolves. yet two weeks ago he WAS the wolf...........
that he never got a job and held it is HIS problem.
that his family has (supposedly) cut him off is due to HIS actions.
that he has not cultivated friendships.......
that he is broke........
he could have his @ss parked at NA meetings right now.....they are free and he'd be around and connected with other likeminded sober individuals.
AND.....you are not the only number in his call list. it just SEEEEEEMS that way, honey. because you are a sweet caring tender soul
he is trying to turn you back into a RESOURCE. remember the shape HE left YOUR apartment in??? now he's all oh woe is me, i'm such a lost little boy out here in the wilderness with the bears and wolves. yet two weeks ago he WAS the wolf...........
that he never got a job and held it is HIS problem.
that his family has (supposedly) cut him off is due to HIS actions.
that he has not cultivated friendships.......
that he is broke........
he could have his @ss parked at NA meetings right now.....they are free and he'd be around and connected with other likeminded sober individuals.
AND.....you are not the only number in his call list. it just SEEEEEEMS that way, honey. because you are a sweet caring tender soul
It just doesn't change the fact that he now has nowhere to turn in the event he wants to get better. I am more than happy to keep myself far away while he is actively using but I feel he should have someone that can help him get to a safe place if he decides he wants help. No?
He told me that he wasn't sleeping with people, he was just giving prostitutes rides to their appointments and he got a cut of the money they made. Honestly not sure which scenario I am more disgusted with!
Thanks <3
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
The Salvation Army has a wonderful rehabilitation program and it is absolutely free. They are all over the country. He will have a place to stay, a job to do, and help staying clean.
There is always help out there for those who truly want it. You are not that help. If you were, he would have gotten better when you were there with him.
There is always help out there for those who truly want it. You are not that help. If you were, he would have gotten better when you were there with him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Are you sure you are not just looking for a ‘good enough’ reason to re-engage?
There are AA and NA meetings going on all the time. They are free. He does not need you to help him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants you to help him in order to enmesh you in his life again. I have been in your position many times, but the fact is if he truly wants help, no power in the universe could stop him, and if he isn’t really ready to stop, no power in the universe can help him.
There are AA and NA meetings going on all the time. They are free. He does not need you to help him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he wants you to help him in order to enmesh you in his life again. I have been in your position many times, but the fact is if he truly wants help, no power in the universe could stop him, and if he isn’t really ready to stop, no power in the universe can help him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I've heard so many good things about Salvation Army. I really do think lockdown rehab is the only way to go for most addicts. And Salvation Army is really good about not just being a vacation- but helping addicts to learn or relearn what the real world is all about.
Don't cushion the fall. Give him the dignity to face his consequences.
Don't cushion the fall. Give him the dignity to face his consequences.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
I am definitely looking for a good reason to re engage. I miss him and can't stop worrying and wondering.
I am just a rollercoaster of emotion these days. Some moments I want so bad to find him and be happy again, some moments I'm on my "f@#$ him" mentality channelling the independent, boss women of the world.
It's truly a pathetic mess.
I am just a rollercoaster of emotion these days. Some moments I want so bad to find him and be happy again, some moments I'm on my "f@#$ him" mentality channelling the independent, boss women of the world.
It's truly a pathetic mess.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Cheshire. U.K
Posts: 8,003
Meghan, you could be talking about my son here, you've described him perfectly apart from my son being twice the age of your ex. Believe me when I tell you that the only person who can change him is himself, you can't control his actions, you can only control your reactions to them. If you let him, he will bleed you dry. As long as you help him you are enabling him, sometimes tough love is the only way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm a former crack addict, so dope IS a relevant term. dope mean dope...any drug. i've been the slathering DOPE fiend......i crawled on carpets looking for that crumb....i know your "guy" WAYYY more than you think you do.....i have the mind of an addict......
he CAN totally figure this out for himself. he doesn't NEED you to pave the way for him. he's looking for a place to crash, sleep it off, have some caring person wash his clothes, let him sleep, get some food in him, so he can rally for another spinner.
coke ain't cheap....where does he get the bucks for that???
he CAN totally figure this out for himself. he doesn't NEED you to pave the way for him. he's looking for a place to crash, sleep it off, have some caring person wash his clothes, let him sleep, get some food in him, so he can rally for another spinner.
coke ain't cheap....where does he get the bucks for that???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, he is not worried about how you feel, he is not worried about how his return would really do a number on you, he is not worried about how his using after you pick him up again will affect you. All of these feelings you are feeling need to be looked at and figured out, you feel like we all have felt , I went back many times, only to find myself in he same place I needed to leave for the 6th 7th 8th etc... time. I had to cut contact, and work on myself, and I am sure, nothing is different for my x now except his enabler. You can not save him darling, only he can do that.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i'm a former crack addict, so dope IS a relevant term. dope mean dope...any drug. i've been the slathering DOPE fiend......i crawled on carpets looking for that crumb....i know your "guy" WAYYY more than you think you do.....i have the mind of an addict......
he CAN totally figure this out for himself. he doesn't NEED you to pave the way for him. he's looking for a place to crash, sleep it off, have some caring person wash his clothes, let him sleep, get some food in him, so he can rally for another spinner.
coke ain't cheap....where does he get the bucks for that???
he CAN totally figure this out for himself. he doesn't NEED you to pave the way for him. he's looking for a place to crash, sleep it off, have some caring person wash his clothes, let him sleep, get some food in him, so he can rally for another spinner.
coke ain't cheap....where does he get the bucks for that???
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 7
A lot of us loved ones have prayed for our loved ones to hit their rock bottom. I hit mine years before my AS. When I finally had enough and wanted my life back I had him evicted from my home. It was heartbreaking when the sherrifs came and escorted him out. The process took two months. After two more months if him living in his car and being homeless he called asking for phone numbers to get help. He had finally hit bottom. It took a week to get into the salvation army program. He had no ins. He has been there almost two months. I am getting my life back my point is that I kept waiting for him to hit rock bottom while enabling him with a place to stay. When I removed that option he chose rehab. There is always a way out when and if they want it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Meghan19
S
It just doesn't change the fact that he now has nowhere to turn in the event he wants to get better.
It just doesn't change the fact that he now has nowhere to turn in the event he wants to get better.
i chose not to look for myself until i was desperate enough. until then i played the poor me card the best i could with whoever would listen AND act on it.
on another thread you pretty much vehemently denied codependency, but i sure read a LOT of signs/symptoms of it in your posts,meghan.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by tomsteve
BS.
i chose not to look for myself until i was desperate enough. until then i played the poor me card the best i could with whoever would listen AND act on it.
on another thread you pretty much vehemently denied codependency, but i sure read a LOT of signs/symptoms of it in your posts,meghan.
i chose not to look for myself until i was desperate enough. until then i played the poor me card the best i could with whoever would listen AND act on it.
on another thread you pretty much vehemently denied codependency, but i sure read a LOT of signs/symptoms of it in your posts,meghan.
I have NOT opened my door to him and have no immediate plans to. I dont even have a door to open to him! It just puts my mind at ease knowing that this path i chose is the right one and that he will be able to get himself out if he wants to.
He is the only addict i have dealt with in my life and the people here are able to provide insights i cant find in my daily life.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I used to teach computer classes that happened to have a lot of people struggling with substance abuse issues. There was one guy who was sweet as anything but had the attention span of a gnat. The rest of the classroom teamed up and we made sure he got through the class. It was one of the best teaching experiences I ever had.
Anyway, he and I got to talking during breaks. In one glance, you could tell that he had been through hell and back. Tracks up and down his arms. Missing teeth. He told me how abused heroin for years and how he should have been dead. He also told me that he finally sought out help when his children and grandchildren refused to speak to him. The grandchildren were too scared of him. His kids were infuriated. They had had enough. THAT's when he decided to turn his life around, when he realized that his own behavior caused the people who loved him to turn away for their own self-preservation.
He didn't know if he would get speak to them again. All he knew was that if he didn't stop using, it wouldn't happen at all.
Anyway, he and I got to talking during breaks. In one glance, you could tell that he had been through hell and back. Tracks up and down his arms. Missing teeth. He told me how abused heroin for years and how he should have been dead. He also told me that he finally sought out help when his children and grandchildren refused to speak to him. The grandchildren were too scared of him. His kids were infuriated. They had had enough. THAT's when he decided to turn his life around, when he realized that his own behavior caused the people who loved him to turn away for their own self-preservation.
He didn't know if he would get speak to them again. All he knew was that if he didn't stop using, it wouldn't happen at all.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
It just doesn't change the fact that he now has nowhere to turn in the event he wants to get better.
There is no how to book out there so I'm relying on all the sources of insight I can find.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son has been missing, lost in his addiction for over 10 years...and struggling with addiction for more that 20 years.
He KNOWS how to find a Salvation Army Rehab anywhere in the country.
He KNOW where the AA/NA/CA meetings are and that help is there anytime he has a desire to quit.
He KNOWS the John Howard Society (a Canadian organization that helps anyone who has spent time in jail or prison) will help him with a clean house housing and a chance for a job with an employer who is willing to give people another chance.
He KNOWS where church is and how to pray.
He found all of these resources AFTER I let go and let him be an adult and find his own way. I suspect he has used some of them through t he years and then maybe relapsed...but these places will still help him....WHEN he is ready and asks for help. He didn't even look as long as I was his safe place to fall.
Your ex can find help too, any time of day or night...when he is ready to get clean. When he runs out of options he will turn to the real help, the people who help people like him.
I miss my son, I am sad he still is out there. I say a prayer each morning and turn his care over to God. He knows where help is and how to connect with it...anytime he is ready to give sobriety a chance. That gives me peace.
You will find your own peace too, but not until you let go of the pain of hanging on.
Good luck, dear. It's a sad world some days.
He KNOWS how to find a Salvation Army Rehab anywhere in the country.
He KNOW where the AA/NA/CA meetings are and that help is there anytime he has a desire to quit.
He KNOWS the John Howard Society (a Canadian organization that helps anyone who has spent time in jail or prison) will help him with a clean house housing and a chance for a job with an employer who is willing to give people another chance.
He KNOWS where church is and how to pray.
He found all of these resources AFTER I let go and let him be an adult and find his own way. I suspect he has used some of them through t he years and then maybe relapsed...but these places will still help him....WHEN he is ready and asks for help. He didn't even look as long as I was his safe place to fall.
Your ex can find help too, any time of day or night...when he is ready to get clean. When he runs out of options he will turn to the real help, the people who help people like him.
I miss my son, I am sad he still is out there. I say a prayer each morning and turn his care over to God. He knows where help is and how to connect with it...anytime he is ready to give sobriety a chance. That gives me peace.
You will find your own peace too, but not until you let go of the pain of hanging on.
Good luck, dear. It's a sad world some days.
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