It's over. We lost the fight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 6
It's over. We lost the fight
Hi Everyone,
I posted here once in 2010 after my husband almost died from a heroin overdose. I found him and did CPR on him and was able to save his life. I was looking for advice then on how I should be there for him now that he got his wake-up call and everyone here told me to take care of myself instead and that I didn't have control over anything else, which I know now was great advice.
Despite my husband's promises to change, there was still a trace of denial in him but I didn't want to leave him. I was so certain that after a couple of years of escalating abuse of oxycodone which in the end led to heroin, the worst was finally behind us. We had made it through so much and I felt that now wasn't the time to give up. He started going to meetings and therapy and got sober. Everything was going well.
The years went by and things were good again. We were happy again. We had a child. My husband was highly functioning and had it completely together in every other aspect of his life. He got his master's degree and was focused, disciplined and ambitious, got a job with his dream company and generally succeeded at whatever he did. We went to marriage counseling and worked on us. For a while it seemed like we had it all.
Then my husband's substance abuse issues slowly started creeping back into our lives again. He had been prescribed narcotic pain medication for a legitimate pain issue in the past but had learned the lesson that he couldn't take anything at all. Zero. Now every now and then he went to the doctor for a prescription again or got pills from friends. There were long stretches of sobriety followed by relapses, therapy, support groups. I was on an emotional rollercoaster again. His overdose had literally left me with PTSD which took a lot of therapy to get over and whenever my husband started to be in denial again, my mind went right back to it. Deep down inside I was always worried for his life and I lost it whenever he used again. And I lost myself in the process. Begged and screamed at him. Nothing really worked. He did rehab and felt like a changed person right after but soon the slip ups started again and he stopped going to meetings. He never worked on his sobriety long-term. And before I knew it his brain would tell him again that taking pills occasionally actually wasn't that big a deal after all.
After many months of near constant lying to me and many positive drug tests, I could feel that I finally started to distance myself from him emotionally. I was drained and empty. I still loved him so much but his drug use was breaking my heart. I threatened to leave him if he didn't stop completely again and went to therapy, support groups or did whatever he needed to to. I hadn't given up entirely yet but I knew all this was killing me. I was waiting for actions and tried leaving his recovery more up to him. He did take a few steps in the right direction.
A few weeks ago my husband overdosed again on heroin. This time I wasn't there to save him. He died.
I am devastated and broken. I didn't see this coming at all. I live in a nightmare and can't wake up. I'm a single parent to a preschooler now whose daddy is dead. Despite everything we struggled with in our marriage, I thought he was the one for me and I wanted to grow old together. I thought we would make it through this. Make it through anything. I gave so much and feel like at times I walked through hell and now I am left with nothing.
I am angry at him, myself and the world. I'm full of guilt and regrets. Regrets about what I did and didn't do and what I said and didn't say to him. I'm left with a million what if's. Could different choices in the past have led to a different outcome? Did we ever have a chance to turn it around? Should I have been sterner with him? Less stern and more empathetic? More detached or more positive and motivating? I did tough love towards the end. Did I show him enough love and support?
During the times he was sober he would tell me often how he doesn't want this, how his brain is wired differently from mine and how hard he's trying to fight his addiction. He wanted to beat this and wanted to live. And he lost the fight. That's what's breaking my heart.
I am writing to you all here because I know you understand all this more than my friends and family who I have told what happened. I desperately need some perspective please.
Thank you so much!
I posted here once in 2010 after my husband almost died from a heroin overdose. I found him and did CPR on him and was able to save his life. I was looking for advice then on how I should be there for him now that he got his wake-up call and everyone here told me to take care of myself instead and that I didn't have control over anything else, which I know now was great advice.
Despite my husband's promises to change, there was still a trace of denial in him but I didn't want to leave him. I was so certain that after a couple of years of escalating abuse of oxycodone which in the end led to heroin, the worst was finally behind us. We had made it through so much and I felt that now wasn't the time to give up. He started going to meetings and therapy and got sober. Everything was going well.
The years went by and things were good again. We were happy again. We had a child. My husband was highly functioning and had it completely together in every other aspect of his life. He got his master's degree and was focused, disciplined and ambitious, got a job with his dream company and generally succeeded at whatever he did. We went to marriage counseling and worked on us. For a while it seemed like we had it all.
Then my husband's substance abuse issues slowly started creeping back into our lives again. He had been prescribed narcotic pain medication for a legitimate pain issue in the past but had learned the lesson that he couldn't take anything at all. Zero. Now every now and then he went to the doctor for a prescription again or got pills from friends. There were long stretches of sobriety followed by relapses, therapy, support groups. I was on an emotional rollercoaster again. His overdose had literally left me with PTSD which took a lot of therapy to get over and whenever my husband started to be in denial again, my mind went right back to it. Deep down inside I was always worried for his life and I lost it whenever he used again. And I lost myself in the process. Begged and screamed at him. Nothing really worked. He did rehab and felt like a changed person right after but soon the slip ups started again and he stopped going to meetings. He never worked on his sobriety long-term. And before I knew it his brain would tell him again that taking pills occasionally actually wasn't that big a deal after all.
After many months of near constant lying to me and many positive drug tests, I could feel that I finally started to distance myself from him emotionally. I was drained and empty. I still loved him so much but his drug use was breaking my heart. I threatened to leave him if he didn't stop completely again and went to therapy, support groups or did whatever he needed to to. I hadn't given up entirely yet but I knew all this was killing me. I was waiting for actions and tried leaving his recovery more up to him. He did take a few steps in the right direction.
A few weeks ago my husband overdosed again on heroin. This time I wasn't there to save him. He died.
I am devastated and broken. I didn't see this coming at all. I live in a nightmare and can't wake up. I'm a single parent to a preschooler now whose daddy is dead. Despite everything we struggled with in our marriage, I thought he was the one for me and I wanted to grow old together. I thought we would make it through this. Make it through anything. I gave so much and feel like at times I walked through hell and now I am left with nothing.
I am angry at him, myself and the world. I'm full of guilt and regrets. Regrets about what I did and didn't do and what I said and didn't say to him. I'm left with a million what if's. Could different choices in the past have led to a different outcome? Did we ever have a chance to turn it around? Should I have been sterner with him? Less stern and more empathetic? More detached or more positive and motivating? I did tough love towards the end. Did I show him enough love and support?
During the times he was sober he would tell me often how he doesn't want this, how his brain is wired differently from mine and how hard he's trying to fight his addiction. He wanted to beat this and wanted to live. And he lost the fight. That's what's breaking my heart.
I am writing to you all here because I know you understand all this more than my friends and family who I have told what happened. I desperately need some perspective please.
Thank you so much!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: GA
Posts: 700
I am so sorry. I'm sure if he is still out there in spirit somewhere he would be telling you that you did everything right, the best you could, everything in your human ability to help him. He wouldn't want you wrestling over what you could have or should have done or beating yourself up over anything. I can't imagine the feeling you mentioned of working so hard together and being left with nothing. I can understand your anger towards him. I do believe addiction is a brain disease. It damages the part of the brain that controls decision making. It's not all his fault, but it was his responsibility to try his best to get better. I'm so sorry this happened to you. So many friends of mine are gone now due to heroin. It is baffling. I hope you can grieve and heal and live your best life in his memory.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I was a drinker...never did heroin or anything like that but I was always able to rationalise that one more time couldn't hurt, that noone else would know and I'd go right back to being clean and sober.
I completely see the insanity there now, but I couldn't then.
Sometimes those one more times lasted years. Its hard to stop the crazy train once it starts.
I loved those closest to me - genuinely - but a part of me loved getting high too.
I had a moment of clarity 11 years ago when I nearly died and I stopped for good - it makes me said that I'm not in the majority.
You will find a ton of support here.
D
I was a drinker...never did heroin or anything like that but I was always able to rationalise that one more time couldn't hurt, that noone else would know and I'd go right back to being clean and sober.
I completely see the insanity there now, but I couldn't then.
Sometimes those one more times lasted years. Its hard to stop the crazy train once it starts.
I loved those closest to me - genuinely - but a part of me loved getting high too.
I had a moment of clarity 11 years ago when I nearly died and I stopped for good - it makes me said that I'm not in the majority.
You will find a ton of support here.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Lovedandlost 
I desperately need some perspective please.
So sorry for what brings you here and for your loss.
I don't really know anything about heroin addiction but what I do know is that it sounds like you did everything you could and more.
From what you have said you tried everything, you were killing yourself. You seem to feel guilty for distancing yourself somewhat. Please understand that you can't sacrifice yourself for anyone, especially since you have a child. Nervous breakdowns are real. If that happened who was going to look after you and your child?
I guess what I am trying to say is you gave so much so please try not to feel guilty, you didn't cause it, you couldn't control it and you couldn't cure it.
It is said many times in the Friends and Family forum that if love could cure addiction the forum wouldn't exist.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am so sorry for your loss, addiction sucks!!!
This part stuck out to me…
I think the sad and unfortunate prior OD where you had to preform CPR and he pulled through may have left you with a false sense of having some kind of power and control over his addiction. Nothing you said or did or didn’t say or could have said or did would have changed the fact that HE was unable to find a way to arrest the disease and live in remission.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
This part stuck out to me…
A few weeks ago my husband overdosed again on heroin. This time I wasn't there to save him. He died.
Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Loveandlost, I am sorry for you pain. I know what it's like to save someone from an OD and think that somehow by loving them and helping them, that they could heal. I hope that you feel that wherever he is now, he's "home" and at peace. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Lovedandlost
I am very sorry for you & your family concerning this tragic news.
I have my own heroine / opioid drug relationship story. Your sad news makes my heart very heavy. I cant imagine how badly you must feel.
Addiction to heroine is extremely destructive. So very sad for all involved.
I hope you somehow find peace.
I am very sorry for you & your family concerning this tragic news.
I have my own heroine / opioid drug relationship story. Your sad news makes my heart very heavy. I cant imagine how badly you must feel.
Addiction to heroine is extremely destructive. So very sad for all involved.
I hope you somehow find peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
A very big hug from me! You need lots of loving people around you right now... please allow yourself time to grieve. You did a lot to help your late husband. You couldn’t have done more. He’s at peace now. You and your son must carry on.... and you will. Time heals, so let it do its job. Stay strong for your child. Cry, sleep, drink tea and if you need support, just come back here. We’ll be waiting to listen.
You’re going to get through this too.
You’re going to get through this too.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. You loved him, he knew that, and he loved you. Remember that and don't let addiction rob you of the good memories of better times and memories of the good person he was.
My heart hurts for you and my prayers go out for you and all who loved him.
I am so very sorry.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
My heart hurts for you and my prayers go out for you and all who loved him.
I am so very sorry.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
When we learn someone we love is dancing with heroin, we know what the end of that dance may look like. It's a terrible, terrible drug, and the reason is it permanently rewires the brain of whoever uses it. Doesn't matter if you detox from it, the brain remembers what it's like to be on it. And it's irresistible.
I'm so sorry for your loss. But I also hope you know that there really wasn't anything you could do for him.
I'm so sorry for your loss. But I also hope you know that there really wasn't anything you could do for him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
My dear, I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Sending prayers for you and your child. It is a heartbreaking possibility for active users every day they choose to use. So many of our SR family members here have experienced this terrible loss of life. I am just sending big hugs to help you in this time of sorrow. I agree with Ann, your husband knew that you loved him.
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