Phone Call From a Jailed Son
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Phone Call From a Jailed Son
Ugh!!
Last night was one of my toughest nights.
I got a phone call from my son in jail and I took it. I waited until I thought I was strong enough to take it, and he waited to call until he was desperate enough to make the call.
Sigh...
The call went okay until he asked if I would help with a lawyer and I said no. He got scared/angry. I know he is at his breaking point. And wish I could give him the tools he needs to handle this, but I also know this is all up to him and his higher power.
He got mad and hung up. But called back. I didn't answer and he left a message. The message he left sounded like a scared, crying, broken, little boy, who was desperate. Listening to the message just about broke me. Actually, as I write this, I see it did break me. After I listened to it, I was as messed up with anxiety and fear as he was.
What I need is a better script for when I choose to take the phone call.
I have decided to write him letters of strength and hope and to stay far away from lectures or "I-Told-You-So's. " He knows he has screwed up, he doesn't need me to remind him right now. It's tough when he asks why won't I help him and my answer seems to sound like a lecture.
So I need a list of ready sentences to deal with that, that are positive but also let him know this is his mess to fix.
What's in my head is:
Because you didn't listen to a word I said when I said, "If you don't stop this crap you will be in jail or Worse!"
Or, "Life has consequences son and this might just be yours!"
Or "You are right, you are in big trouble, What the hell did you think was going to happen?"
None of those sentences are very productive so if any of you have better ideas I could use them right now,,,
In the meantime, working on my health.
Last night was one of my toughest nights.
I got a phone call from my son in jail and I took it. I waited until I thought I was strong enough to take it, and he waited to call until he was desperate enough to make the call.
Sigh...
The call went okay until he asked if I would help with a lawyer and I said no. He got scared/angry. I know he is at his breaking point. And wish I could give him the tools he needs to handle this, but I also know this is all up to him and his higher power.
He got mad and hung up. But called back. I didn't answer and he left a message. The message he left sounded like a scared, crying, broken, little boy, who was desperate. Listening to the message just about broke me. Actually, as I write this, I see it did break me. After I listened to it, I was as messed up with anxiety and fear as he was.
What I need is a better script for when I choose to take the phone call.
I have decided to write him letters of strength and hope and to stay far away from lectures or "I-Told-You-So's. " He knows he has screwed up, he doesn't need me to remind him right now. It's tough when he asks why won't I help him and my answer seems to sound like a lecture.
So I need a list of ready sentences to deal with that, that are positive but also let him know this is his mess to fix.
What's in my head is:
Because you didn't listen to a word I said when I said, "If you don't stop this crap you will be in jail or Worse!"
Or, "Life has consequences son and this might just be yours!"
Or "You are right, you are in big trouble, What the hell did you think was going to happen?"
None of those sentences are very productive so if any of you have better ideas I could use them right now,,,
In the meantime, working on my health.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I love this post. I've used this technique many times.
Cool. Bummer. Wow.
Children tend to be somewhat narcissistic. Addiction fuels this narcissism. Try to enforce a boundary with a narcissist and you will feel their wrath.
Instead, keep it neutral. Don't get roped in. He knows your weak spots.
Kudos for you for sticking to your boundaries. THAT is an act of unselfish love! Think about it- wouldn't it be a relief to YOU to just swoop in and save the day? Your child could be safe at home and you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the one to rescue him. Instead, you're fighting that urge. You're bearing incredible emotional pain because you know that's the only way he stands a chance at fighting this horrible disease. THAT is true sacrifice.
Many blessings to you. I pray that this will be the wake up call he is in need of.
Here is a link to the cool.bummer.wow post that has helped me.
https://www.chumplady.com/2016/04/cool-bummer-wow/
Cool. Bummer. Wow.
Children tend to be somewhat narcissistic. Addiction fuels this narcissism. Try to enforce a boundary with a narcissist and you will feel their wrath.
Instead, keep it neutral. Don't get roped in. He knows your weak spots.
Kudos for you for sticking to your boundaries. THAT is an act of unselfish love! Think about it- wouldn't it be a relief to YOU to just swoop in and save the day? Your child could be safe at home and you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the one to rescue him. Instead, you're fighting that urge. You're bearing incredible emotional pain because you know that's the only way he stands a chance at fighting this horrible disease. THAT is true sacrifice.
Many blessings to you. I pray that this will be the wake up call he is in need of.
Here is a link to the cool.bummer.wow post that has helped me.
https://www.chumplady.com/2016/04/cool-bummer-wow/
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs 
I love this post. I've used this technique many times.
Cool. Bummer. Wow.
Children tend to be somewhat narcissistic. Addiction fuels this narcissism. Try to enforce a boundary with a narcissist and you will feel their wrath.
Instead, keep it neutral. Don't get roped in. He knows your weak spots.
Kudos for you for sticking to your boundaries. THAT is an act of unselfish love! Think about it- wouldn't it be a relief to YOU to just swoop in and save the day? Your child could be safe at home and you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the one to rescue him. Instead, you're fighting that urge. You're bearing incredible emotional pain because you know that's the only way he stands a chance at fighting this horrible disease. THAT is true sacrifice.
Many blessings to you. I pray that this will be the wake up call he is in need of.
Here is a link to the cool.bummer.wow post that has helped me.
https://www.chumplady.com/2016/04/cool-bummer-wow/
Cool. Bummer. Wow.
Children tend to be somewhat narcissistic. Addiction fuels this narcissism. Try to enforce a boundary with a narcissist and you will feel their wrath.
Instead, keep it neutral. Don't get roped in. He knows your weak spots.
Kudos for you for sticking to your boundaries. THAT is an act of unselfish love! Think about it- wouldn't it be a relief to YOU to just swoop in and save the day? Your child could be safe at home and you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the one to rescue him. Instead, you're fighting that urge. You're bearing incredible emotional pain because you know that's the only way he stands a chance at fighting this horrible disease. THAT is true sacrifice.
Many blessings to you. I pray that this will be the wake up call he is in need of.
Here is a link to the cool.bummer.wow post that has helped me.
https://www.chumplady.com/2016/04/cool-bummer-wow/
" She’s grown up watching you eat **** sandwiches. Why won’t you eat this one too?"
It is so true! My son has seen me eat all his **** sandwiches for many years so why won't I eat this one for him? ummm... Because I finally realize they really TASTE LIKE ****!!
LOL!
Wow!!! Thank You!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I just want to give you a big hug! My mama heart hurts for you but I think you handled things perfectly with your son.
I heard something a long time ago when my kids were very little and it stuck with me: "We aren't raising children, we are raising adults". Of course the hope is that when they are all grown up they will indeed act like adults and not children...unfortunately that doesn't always happen. ( My brother is a 44yr old child because my mother still babies him)
You are giving your son the dignity of being an adult man who can figure out his own solutions to the problems he created in his life. I think that is AWESOME.
I heard something a long time ago when my kids were very little and it stuck with me: "We aren't raising children, we are raising adults". Of course the hope is that when they are all grown up they will indeed act like adults and not children...unfortunately that doesn't always happen. ( My brother is a 44yr old child because my mother still babies him)
You are giving your son the dignity of being an adult man who can figure out his own solutions to the problems he created in his life. I think that is AWESOME.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
pretty sure in the Miranda Rights it says that if you cannot afford your own attorney, one will be appointed for you. so he is not left without legal representation of any sort, he just doesn't get to do so on YOUR dime.
if i have the math right, your AS is about 32 now? so that's more than just a little grown up, that's full fledged, stand on your own two feet and take your lumps ADULT. you say he sounds scared. GOOD. jail is supposed to be scary, so you never want to go back there ever again.
he's either gonna figure this out..........or not. he has all the tools he needs to get thru this, if he chooses to put them to use. that is and should be ON HIM.
if it helps, as your write to him, imagine he's off in some far off country, instead of jail.....so you avoid the dangers of the "i told you so's" and "what were you thinking???" etc. just reaching out to a loved one.......
if i have the math right, your AS is about 32 now? so that's more than just a little grown up, that's full fledged, stand on your own two feet and take your lumps ADULT. you say he sounds scared. GOOD. jail is supposed to be scary, so you never want to go back there ever again.
he's either gonna figure this out..........or not. he has all the tools he needs to get thru this, if he chooses to put them to use. that is and should be ON HIM.
if it helps, as your write to him, imagine he's off in some far off country, instead of jail.....so you avoid the dangers of the "i told you so's" and "what were you thinking???" etc. just reaching out to a loved one.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
good job Cece. JJ used public defenders and their primary job is to plea bargain. I say let your son feel the consequences which are HIS to bear. I also know while they are in jail, their pride is suffering. Which is very good for a closer look at the bottom. He might be in denial that he belongs in jail, and the fear and trepidation is what is supposed to happen to people who aren't life long inmate types. You are doing great. Just know, he will be okay and you will be okay!
Hugs
TT
Hugs
TT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think I would stay away from any and all subject matter that pertains to the reason he’s landed where he’s landed. No use trying to make any kind of point at this juncture about consequences because he’s dealing with that – he has no choice but to.
The real issue at this time is that he wants OUT of jail so that he can go repeat the same behavior as quickly as possible. He doesn’t want a lawyer so that he can straighter his life out, he wants out of jail so that he can go get high! Please don’t fund that adventure or feel bad for not doing so.
Jails have medical units that can help him detox. So the longer he stays in there the better chance he’ll have.
No need to answer every call he makes, no need to have to feel compelled to write a heartwarming letter that will fall on “jonesing” deaf ears of anger and frustration. That heartwarming talk/letter should come somewhere down the road after a good period of recovery on his part where it may mean something to him. Right now it won’t.
The best response today, tomorrow, next week and even next month is NO, I can’t do that. No, I won’t do that. No, I’m not going to do that. No need to explain yourself and if he pushes for why simple say I have to go now bye love you! And hang up the phone, don’t answer the immediate call back.
The real issue at this time is that he wants OUT of jail so that he can go repeat the same behavior as quickly as possible. He doesn’t want a lawyer so that he can straighter his life out, he wants out of jail so that he can go get high! Please don’t fund that adventure or feel bad for not doing so.
Jails have medical units that can help him detox. So the longer he stays in there the better chance he’ll have.
No need to answer every call he makes, no need to have to feel compelled to write a heartwarming letter that will fall on “jonesing” deaf ears of anger and frustration. That heartwarming talk/letter should come somewhere down the road after a good period of recovery on his part where it may mean something to him. Right now it won’t.
The best response today, tomorrow, next week and even next month is NO, I can’t do that. No, I won’t do that. No, I’m not going to do that. No need to explain yourself and if he pushes for why simple say I have to go now bye love you! And hang up the phone, don’t answer the immediate call back.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I began to say "no" to my son, I kept it about me and not about him at all. That left him with no comeback and it didn't shame him either, it just meant "no".
Some examples...
"I'm sorry, I have no money."
"I can't help because I have a lot if financial obligations that I have to take care of."
"I can't afford any extras"
You get the gist. "I have no money" is pretty clear that there is no room for negotiation.
I am sorry for how painful I know this must be. As Anvil said, he can have a lawyer appointed. Your financial security shouldn't depend on whether your son is in jail or not. He got himself there, if it's uncomfortable enough he may decide to change his life so he doesn't have to go back...and repeat the lesson.
Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.
Some examples...
"I'm sorry, I have no money."
"I can't help because I have a lot if financial obligations that I have to take care of."
"I can't afford any extras"
You get the gist. "I have no money" is pretty clear that there is no room for negotiation.
I am sorry for how painful I know this must be. As Anvil said, he can have a lawyer appointed. Your financial security shouldn't depend on whether your son is in jail or not. He got himself there, if it's uncomfortable enough he may decide to change his life so he doesn't have to go back...and repeat the lesson.
Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
You did the right thing and I hope that when I get the call asking me for such help or money, I will be as strong as you have been. My son would also ask why I won’t help him if I said “No”and my answer will be “.... because I’ve helped you time and time again and where did that get either of us? Nowhere at all! So now we’re going to do this differently because I believe you are responsible for your current situation and I also believe you’re more than capable of sorting it out for yourself. Keep in touch and let me know how it goes. I’ll be thinking of you. Lots of love.”
How’s that?
How’s that?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Oh how well I remember the calls I got from my oldest when she was jailed on felony drug charges.
I accepted the first couple of calls, and I made clear there would be no more. The charges on those jail calls broke me financially when I was still with my EXAH. I put no money on her books. I provided no legal assistance. "No" is a complete sentence.
She lives in the same small town as me. I keep communication to a minimum. She does come over a couple times a week to bring my great granddaughter to see me. She knows the bank of mom is closed. Today I give her the dignity to live her life as she so chooses, and that includes any consequences she might encounter.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
We mommas have a rough go of it, but our recovery is possible, and I have no doubt your recovery will shine through as you pick up the tools! Hugs from Kansas!
I accepted the first couple of calls, and I made clear there would be no more. The charges on those jail calls broke me financially when I was still with my EXAH. I put no money on her books. I provided no legal assistance. "No" is a complete sentence.
She lives in the same small town as me. I keep communication to a minimum. She does come over a couple times a week to bring my great granddaughter to see me. She knows the bank of mom is closed. Today I give her the dignity to live her life as she so chooses, and that includes any consequences she might encounter.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
We mommas have a rough go of it, but our recovery is possible, and I have no doubt your recovery will shine through as you pick up the tools! Hugs from Kansas!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
It's tough when he asks why won't I help him
...I will walk beside you on this, but you have to take the lead. The best way for me to help is to hand over the reigns. It is hard for me to do, but because I love you, it is necessary and time.
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by nez
My answer would be "because I love you"...
...I will walk beside you on this, but you have to take the lead. The best way for me to help is to hand over the reigns. It is hard for me to do, but because I love you, it is necessary and time.
...I will walk beside you on this, but you have to take the lead. The best way for me to help is to hand over the reigns. It is hard for me to do, but because I love you, it is necessary and time.
Thank You!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
Kudos for you for sticking to your boundaries. THAT is an act of unselfish love! Think about it- wouldn't it be a relief to YOU to just swoop in and save the day? Your child could be safe at home and you would have the satisfaction of knowing that you were the one to rescue him. Instead, you're fighting that urge. You're bearing incredible emotional pain because you know that's the only way he stands a chance at fighting this horrible disease. THAT is true sacrifice.
and strength to you, cece. We all care and walk with you. I've been through the phone calls from jail, putting the ball back in the son's court - at the end of the day, it worked out for him. I think it was the beginning of the end of his dependency on others to fix his problems.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
It's tough when he asks why won't I help him and my answer seems to sound like a lecture.
it doesnt have to be said to him, but if you think about it, every time youve bailed him out youve been helping dig his grave while youve been getting puled down into it,too.
And wish I could give him the tools he needs to handle this
you can and they would be the best available tools for him:
allowing him to find the tools and put in the footwork would be the best tool you can give. it would help him more than you doing the work for him.
it doesnt have to be said to him, but if you think about it, every time youve bailed him out youve been helping dig his grave while youve been getting puled down into it,too.
And wish I could give him the tools he needs to handle this
you can and they would be the best available tools for him:
allowing him to find the tools and put in the footwork would be the best tool you can give. it would help him more than you doing the work for him.
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