Spouse back in Rehab, Suspecting She Still is In Denial of Her Problems
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 12
Spouse back in Rehab, Suspecting She Still is In Denial of Her Problems
My wife has continued to envelop herself in a shroud addiction. This is now over two years. Back in January, I took our child with me to move in with my elderly parents as I am unwilling to poison my child or myself with the toxic behavior of my wife. My wife came to visit 4 weeks ago and was inebriated through out the stay. (drinking heavily) She became violent and attacked me and my elderly mother. Kicked, punched and bit the both of us. I had to have the police remove her.
After that incident, she decided she was going to rehab,and is currently preparing to go next week. I am completely sick of the whole thing. I don't want to deal with her right not, because even though she is going to rehab, she still goes to the bar, still says its wrong for me to call the cops for her assaulting her etc etc. She takes no responsibility for her actions.
I am too angry to talk to her right now and will only bring more negativity to this marriage. I want to wait till she is out of rehab and in counseling to have conversations with her to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I am a steadfast believer in the sanctity of marriage and am committed to doing what can be done to work it out. (my religious beliefs/personal moral beliefs correspond to these beliefs on marriage)lower and moreover, baffled that is upsetting me so much.
For the last two years, all I have seen is a selfish, self serving human being who has no accountability for her actions. She has repeatedly stated that she will continue to smoke pot and continue to drink because "its only pot" and "its only one drink, you are just trying to control me". Clearly, to me, this is a person who has not really admitted that her substance abuse in any form needs to stop. My boundaries are set. I cannot and will not accept use of any substance in my home with my child. I spelled this out to my wife in no uncertain terms.
She states that this is not right and its not how this works. When she gets out of rehab that she will need to ease off the drinking and pot. I don't buy it. Am I being unreasonable and inflexible. Is this not helpful for a recovering addict? Any thoughts?
After that incident, she decided she was going to rehab,and is currently preparing to go next week. I am completely sick of the whole thing. I don't want to deal with her right not, because even though she is going to rehab, she still goes to the bar, still says its wrong for me to call the cops for her assaulting her etc etc. She takes no responsibility for her actions.
I am too angry to talk to her right now and will only bring more negativity to this marriage. I want to wait till she is out of rehab and in counseling to have conversations with her to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I am a steadfast believer in the sanctity of marriage and am committed to doing what can be done to work it out. (my religious beliefs/personal moral beliefs correspond to these beliefs on marriage)lower and moreover, baffled that is upsetting me so much.
For the last two years, all I have seen is a selfish, self serving human being who has no accountability for her actions. She has repeatedly stated that she will continue to smoke pot and continue to drink because "its only pot" and "its only one drink, you are just trying to control me". Clearly, to me, this is a person who has not really admitted that her substance abuse in any form needs to stop. My boundaries are set. I cannot and will not accept use of any substance in my home with my child. I spelled this out to my wife in no uncertain terms.
She states that this is not right and its not how this works. When she gets out of rehab that she will need to ease off the drinking and pot. I don't buy it. Am I being unreasonable and inflexible. Is this not helpful for a recovering addict? Any thoughts?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
she isn't actually IN rehab yet, is she? that's "next week"? i'd stand down til i was certain she as actually at the facility, checked in, etc. addicts are great for the big talk on what they are gonna do.....but it's always "out there" somewhere, never NOW.
i understand your respect for the sanctity of marriage......but i guess i'd have to take a good hard look at what the relationship with this person really looks like. marriage is a commitment between TWO people, one TO the other. if one party bails on the commitment, becomes self involved and disrespectful, they void their side of the arrangement.
it got bad enough that you wisely and bravely removed your child from the situation. she is not living up to her responsibility and commitment as a mother, much less a partner. it sounds like she maybe decided this wasn't her gig.......
i understand your respect for the sanctity of marriage......but i guess i'd have to take a good hard look at what the relationship with this person really looks like. marriage is a commitment between TWO people, one TO the other. if one party bails on the commitment, becomes self involved and disrespectful, they void their side of the arrangement.
it got bad enough that you wisely and bravely removed your child from the situation. she is not living up to her responsibility and commitment as a mother, much less a partner. it sounds like she maybe decided this wasn't her gig.......
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Actions, rather than words, tell the story. Like Anvil said, she's not there yet. And...she already thinks she can drink when she gets out....not good because it just isn't true.
She physically hurt you and your elderly mother. Abuse is never okay and removing your child from this environment was a wise decision.
I too have strong beliefs and morals, but I don't believe God ever intended any one of us to put ourselves, our elderly parents, our children in danger for the sake of a marriage that has fallen apart. You can still "love" your wife, without her in your life. We can pray for those who need God's help, we can hold no malice in our hearts...and we can do what we have to do to keep ourselves and our families safe.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please keep them all safe.
She physically hurt you and your elderly mother. Abuse is never okay and removing your child from this environment was a wise decision.
I too have strong beliefs and morals, but I don't believe God ever intended any one of us to put ourselves, our elderly parents, our children in danger for the sake of a marriage that has fallen apart. You can still "love" your wife, without her in your life. We can pray for those who need God's help, we can hold no malice in our hearts...and we can do what we have to do to keep ourselves and our families safe.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Please keep them all safe.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
For the last two years, all I have seen is a selfish, self serving human being who has no accountability for her actions. She has repeatedly stated that she will continue to smoke pot and continue to drink because "its only pot" and "its only one drink, you are just trying to control me". Clearly, to me, this is a person who has not really admitted that her substance abuse in any form needs to stop. My boundaries are set. I cannot and will not accept use of any substance in my home with my child. I spelled this out to my wife in no uncertain terms
Two years of this game is a long time. Do you really want two more years?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I remember feeling so hopeful and elated when my ex announced he was going to go to rehab and get himself help. At that time he said he was scheduled to go in a few days. A few days turned into a week and a week turned into a month ……he never went.
I remember feeling optimistic and again so hopeful the second time he announced he was going to go to rehab and get himself help. I kept thinking, this has to be it, he’s finally reached his bottom……….he never went.
The third time, was like Deja poo: the feeling that I’ve heard this crap before.
It’s never the words it’s their actions that count the most.
I remember feeling optimistic and again so hopeful the second time he announced he was going to go to rehab and get himself help. I kept thinking, this has to be it, he’s finally reached his bottom……….he never went.
The third time, was like Deja poo: the feeling that I’ve heard this crap before.
It’s never the words it’s their actions that count the most.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I am a steadfast believer in the sanctity of marriage and am committed to doing what can be done to work it out. (my religious beliefs/personal moral beliefs correspond to these beliefs on marriage
Interesting, because I felt the same way. Thing is, unless the other party feels that way as well, it's a moot point. It doesn't change anything and won't alter the situation at all. Hard lesson for me to learn, but the truth nonetheless.
Interesting, because I felt the same way. Thing is, unless the other party feels that way as well, it's a moot point. It doesn't change anything and won't alter the situation at all. Hard lesson for me to learn, but the truth nonetheless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 14
Attend Al-anon and get the support you need while she is in rehab. You do not have to decide whether to stay married at this early stage. Clearly you cannot allow her to abuse you or anyone else, but making long term decisions when she has yet to enter rehab seems premature. Care for yourself and your family. Support your spouse's decision to go to rehab. Nothing has to be decided right away (except providing a safe haven for your child and Mom) Good luck. Not all alcoholics wind up divorced. Some have grown in recovery and managed to sustain the marriage. It is a possibility. Take care and get some support for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by klekota 
My wife has continued to envelop herself in a shroud addiction. This is now over two years. Back in January, I took our child with me to move in with my elderly parents as I am unwilling to poison my child or myself with the toxic behavior of my wife. My wife came to visit 4 weeks ago and was inebriated through out the stay. (drinking heavily) She became violent and attacked me and my elderly mother. Kicked, punched and bit the both of us. I had to have the police remove her.
After that incident, she decided she was going to rehab,and is currently preparing to go next week. I am completely sick of the whole thing. I don't want to deal with her right not, because even though she is going to rehab, she still goes to the bar, still says its wrong for me to call the cops for her assaulting her etc etc. She takes no responsibility for her actions.
I am too angry to talk to her right now and will only bring more negativity to this marriage. I want to wait till she is out of rehab and in counseling to have conversations with her to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I am a steadfast believer in the sanctity of marriage and am committed to doing what can be done to work it out. (my religious beliefs/personal moral beliefs correspond to these beliefs on marriage)lower and moreover, baffled that is upsetting me so much.
For the last two years, all I have seen is a selfish, self serving human being who has no accountability for her actions. She has repeatedly stated that she will continue to smoke pot and continue to drink because "its only pot" and "its only one drink, you are just trying to control me". Clearly, to me, this is a person who has not really admitted that her substance abuse in any form needs to stop. My boundaries are set. I cannot and will not accept use of any substance in my home with my child. I spelled this out to my wife in no uncertain terms.
She states that this is not right and its not how this works. When she gets out of rehab that she will need to ease off the drinking and pot. I don't buy it. Am I being unreasonable and inflexible. Is this not helpful for a recovering addict? Any thoughts?
After that incident, she decided she was going to rehab,and is currently preparing to go next week. I am completely sick of the whole thing. I don't want to deal with her right not, because even though she is going to rehab, she still goes to the bar, still says its wrong for me to call the cops for her assaulting her etc etc. She takes no responsibility for her actions.
I am too angry to talk to her right now and will only bring more negativity to this marriage. I want to wait till she is out of rehab and in counseling to have conversations with her to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I am a steadfast believer in the sanctity of marriage and am committed to doing what can be done to work it out. (my religious beliefs/personal moral beliefs correspond to these beliefs on marriage)lower and moreover, baffled that is upsetting me so much.
For the last two years, all I have seen is a selfish, self serving human being who has no accountability for her actions. She has repeatedly stated that she will continue to smoke pot and continue to drink because "its only pot" and "its only one drink, you are just trying to control me". Clearly, to me, this is a person who has not really admitted that her substance abuse in any form needs to stop. My boundaries are set. I cannot and will not accept use of any substance in my home with my child. I spelled this out to my wife in no uncertain terms.
She states that this is not right and its not how this works. When she gets out of rehab that she will need to ease off the drinking and pot. I don't buy it. Am I being unreasonable and inflexible. Is this not helpful for a recovering addict? Any thoughts?
As long as she is not in rehab and still active in her addiction, anything you try and convince her of with regards to her behavior is futile. They believe what they believe and there is no changing that. During the recovery period in detox/rehab, they will start to see some clarity... it will still be fuzzy and muddled and again, much of what you say will have little impact on them. It is not until they are truly recovering.. making an effort to follow the program and be clean that rational discussions with her will be able to be had. I caught my wife early enough in the addiction that during detox she was able to see the train wreck coming if she did not change her ways. During her monthlong rehab she got to see and hear how her behavior was hurting those around her... during sober living, she truly realized how crazy her actions and thoughts were... and still are... She has been sober about 4 months now... and still has those crazy thoughts.. but knows better than to give in.
You will need to set boundaries for when she returns.. and these are for you to set... she can agree to them or not... those were teh terms for my wife.. and if she did not agree to them, she could live elsewhere. I spent a great deal of my time working with our marriage counselors and therapists to develop those boundaries and make sure she understood the consequences... Like yourself, there is zero tolerance on use, and that is how it should be. Protect your family, and that includes your wife, but do not let her actions harm the family further. You have that power. Stay strong.
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