My first post - My daughter

Old 04-17-2018, 06:51 AM
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My first post - My daughter

This is my first post. Not sure where to start, so I will just jump. I am a recovering addict myself. Meth was my drug of choice back in the day and I have been clean for 20+ years. Once I stopped, I stopped.

My daughter is 19. She is a bright beautiful light in my eyes and my only child. She is in trouble and I don't know what to do at this point and I am seeking some guidance.

She moved away to college and that quickly ended into a cluster. She dropped out, started using coke/meth (just found this out) was in an abusive relationship...etc. then her dad died in a horrific motorcycle accident 5 months ago. He was only 43 and had just left a bar. He took a turn too quick and slid 30 feet on his face, died instantly. The coroner called my daughter(she was his only next of kin) and she had to identify his body by a portrait tattoo he had on his leg of her from when she was in kindergarten....

Their relationship was always strained. He lived in another state and they rarely saw each other. Now he is gone forever and she can never ever repair what they had...

She escaped her bad relationship and recently moved back home. As soon as she was back, she jumped back into another relationship. This person is bad news...really bad news. When she moved back home she admitted her meth use to me and that she was clean. She is off of meth but now she has turned to pills. I was with her the other day and she was slurring her words and repeating the same thing over and over again. I confronted her and she denied it. This morning I woke up to a message from a friend of hers saying that my daughter posted a snapchat picture of a handful of Xanax with the title "hit me up". So now....I believe she is selling pills along with using them.

Like I said in the beginning I am an addict. My drug of choice (and her dads) was meth. I have never messed with pills, ever. Her dad and I were together for 14 years and once he got clean he turned to alcohol and I left him...and took our daughter with me.

We have tried to put her in counseling recently for her dad...but that lasted 2 sessions. She tells me she has no feelings and is numb inside because she feels so lost without him...and now I have found out she is taking pills. Her stuff is at our house, but she is not staying with me. She is 19, owns her own car, has a good job. I am lost on which avenue to go down, so I am reaching out here first. If I confront her again, she will just deny it. I am thinking about maybe telling her I want to take her to dinner but in reality I drive us to a NA meeting...we don't have the financial means for rehab...she's in trouble and is my one and only. I cannot lose her....

I have not told her grandparents, my husband (her step dad) or anyone honestly....I am keeping all of this inside and I am about to lose it myself....I just don't know what to do...
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Old 04-17-2018, 07:29 AM
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Hello and welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but this is a place of great support.

Good for you for kicking your own addiction. Keep that in front of you at all times, it has to be first. Secondly, I would not keep this to yourself. You need face to face support from those who love you, and keeping something like this a secret is mentally damaging for you. You don't need anymore of that. Addiction breeds secrets, and that's toxic.

Your daughter is obviously on a slippery slope. Of course she feels nothing because she is taking Xanax. It keeps you from feeling anything, which is what she wants right now. It's also highly addictive, and has a fairly high street value, which is why she is selling it as well. It's a benzo, and mixed with alcohol is especially dangerous.

I don't really think there is a point in letting her deny it. You know what you know. If she is not receptive to help, she won't get it. You cannot force her. What you can do is sit her down, tell her you know, don't put her in a place to have to lie or deny, because she will. Tell her you love her, tell her you support her, tell her you will help her in any way you can. And follow through. If she will let you, great. If not, then you will have to decide what your next steps are.

While my qualifier are not my children, I can say that getting therapy from a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction would likely be a great start for YOU. Also, Naranon would be good so you have face to face support.

Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Old 04-17-2018, 03:52 PM
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Dear tatts, welcome to our little corner of safety. Many of us on this forum have walked the mile or longer with our addicted adult children. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and 19 is so very young for your sweet daughter to lose her father. I dealt with my oldest sons heroin addiction for many years and it took me a long time to let go of his addiction. If I had to go back again to the beginning with my son, I think being informed and armed with information on addiction and recovery would have made my journey a lot easier. I was fooled by his actions so many times and I wouldn't face the fact that my precious child was addicted. As you know, drugs change everything about us. It is a wonderful idea to open up as Hopeful suggested and let your daughter know how much you love her and maybe offer a meeting for both of you? Also, maybe a grief counselor who also specializes in addictive relationships? Keep posting and sharing with us here at SR. We are walking with you.
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Old 04-17-2018, 09:28 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot comment to anything on her addiction as I haven't been there.. But I wanted to say, keep trying to get her to go to counseling about her dad. Not only does the xanax make her numb, but until you face the grief, the shock and numbness from losing someone can last a really long time. Counseling helps. Sometimes it just takes time... sometimes you have to try a few until it clicks and she actually wants to talk about it. I know its hard because you can't force her to do anything, but it's something you should really try to get her to reconsider. The right counselor may be able to get through to her, that she needs to work through what she's been through. My step daughter was 15 when my husband died, I am so thankful that she never turned to addiction, but she has overdosed a couple times trying to end it all. I am "lucky" that she is underage because last year I was able to put her in a treatment center and it was the best thing for her.(Thankfully our medical insurance covered it, its not cheap!) She turns 18 in a couple weeks, she still struggles, but she is more aware of her thoughts, her feelings, etc. and it helps her work through her thoughts instead of acting on them. They explained to me at the treatment center that her cutting was a form of addiction, a way to not deal with the mental pain she was feeling. And she does still struggle with it sometimes. But when she's going to counseling consistently, she does so much better.

Good luck, I really hope you can get through to her. I know how much it hurts to see them go through these things. I know others here will be able to offer more advice on the addiction side of this.
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Old 04-18-2018, 03:57 AM
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Ann
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My son has been addicted to drugs most of his adult life. After years and years of trying to save him, trying to get him to see that he was killing himself with drugs...I had to let go and turn his care over to God. The alternative was for me to continue to get sicker and sicker myself, running on adrenaline and exhausted every day. He simply was not mine to save.

You've been there and you managed to get clean and stay clean. I pray the same happens for her.

Please do not keep this all inside you. Sharing with your husband and others who probably know the truth anyway will help you unload a lot of the stress. Also, maybe find a meeting for yourself, Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA or any number of family or church groups for families of addiction will help you find your balance and cope with whatever comes.

My prayers go out for your daughter, and for you and your family.

Hugs from my heart to yours.
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Old 04-18-2018, 08:25 AM
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I am thinking about maybe telling her I want to take her to dinner but in reality I drive us to a NA meeting...we don't have the financial means for rehab...she's in trouble and is my one and only. I cannot lose her....
I would not suggest doing that. All that could come of you trying to force a solution for HER issue is that she will get angry and alienate you.

I think therapy for you to help you deal with what you can’t control would be excellent. Also letting go of this secret by telling it to a professional might help before opening up to your family about it.

I am sorry you are going through this but please do take care of yourself and reach out for help. OF course we are all here for you but we are not professionals only people who’ve traveled down this road as well.
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