Scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 48
Scared
AHand I drew up a contract last week that we both signed and agreed on. The first thing on the contract was to SCHEDULE an apt with substance abuse counselor by tomorrow ( just get the apt scheduled) To my knowledge he had not done this. The contract is postef where he sees it every day and another copy on the counter. Its not my responsibility to remind him or nag him to do whats stated in the contract is it? Hes responsible for hus actions right? If contract is violated he had to leave our home within 6 hrs. Im so scared ill have to follow through and mske him leave. Ive never enforced strict rule with him before so im guessing he going to assume the same from me, but i will follow through because its in writing. This is all so hard! Thanks for letting me vent.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
LT, sometimes it helps to have a plan in place of how and what you will do to enforce a boundary. That doesn't make it a lot easier but it helps and also helps you to keep your balance through all this.
Do what is right for you, then plan what your next step will be.
We are here for you no matter how this unfolds.
Do what is right for you, then plan what your next step will be.
We are here for you no matter how this unfolds.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Boundaries without consequences or enforcement are useless. If he is not following the plan, then you must enforce the boundary.
The tougher issue here is how do you make him leave if he chooses not to. You have to have a backup plan. In my case, it is following thru with other consequences that are associated with the plan...
The tougher issue here is how do you make him leave if he chooses not to. You have to have a backup plan. In my case, it is following thru with other consequences that are associated with the plan...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere under the rainbow
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by Spence7471 
Boundaries without consequences or enforcement are useless. If he is not following the plan, then you must enforce the boundary.
The tougher issue here is how do you make him leave if he chooses not to. You have to have a backup plan. In my case, it is following thru with other consequences that are associated with the plan...
The tougher issue here is how do you make him leave if he chooses not to. You have to have a backup plan. In my case, it is following thru with other consequences that are associated with the plan...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
At one time, I had a written agreement in place with my addict. Both our signatures were on that agreement.
Her & I picked out a house for her & her daughter to live in. It was a very nice home & was an exciting time for us. I bought the house & paid for all the monthly expenses - all monthly bills. We picked out nice new furniture & lots of other things needed for a new home. I paid for everything.
For her part she was to do her best to use this opportunity to create a new life for herself & her daughter. A good life not a perfect life.
My attorney wrote the agreement. There was language concerning my commitment & hers. Her & I sat and read it carefully together. We talked about it. There was a clause where over time the house would become hers free & clear for $0. We both signed the agreement.
All she needed to do was try her best to live a good life. That's it! Perfection was not needed.
She didn't live up to her end of the bargain at all. A lot of very bad things happened including in the house drug use, drug arrest, & various criminal activity. It didn't end our relationship, but she had to move out.
She had it made for both her & her daughter. But she couldn't do it.
Having a contract or agreement in place with an addict is scary business. I wrote what I did above just so you know from my experience that it can go ugly wrong.
BTW in hind sight I no longer blame her for what went wrong with that house. I blame myself because I should have know better.
I wish you the best & hope you have a good outcome with your contract
Her & I picked out a house for her & her daughter to live in. It was a very nice home & was an exciting time for us. I bought the house & paid for all the monthly expenses - all monthly bills. We picked out nice new furniture & lots of other things needed for a new home. I paid for everything.
For her part she was to do her best to use this opportunity to create a new life for herself & her daughter. A good life not a perfect life.
My attorney wrote the agreement. There was language concerning my commitment & hers. Her & I sat and read it carefully together. We talked about it. There was a clause where over time the house would become hers free & clear for $0. We both signed the agreement.
All she needed to do was try her best to live a good life. That's it! Perfection was not needed.
She didn't live up to her end of the bargain at all. A lot of very bad things happened including in the house drug use, drug arrest, & various criminal activity. It didn't end our relationship, but she had to move out.
She had it made for both her & her daughter. But she couldn't do it.
Having a contract or agreement in place with an addict is scary business. I wrote what I did above just so you know from my experience that it can go ugly wrong.
BTW in hind sight I no longer blame her for what went wrong with that house. I blame myself because I should have know better.
I wish you the best & hope you have a good outcome with your contract
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LT55
My backup plan is to get my own apartment if he won’t leave. I have one to look at tomorrow morning.
I have spent years learning about myself, how to nurture myself, to love myself and know that I don't need a man in my life to feel complete (which I never did if I'm honest about that).
You deserve so much more. Keep posting, keep talking. You are not alone. Hugs from Kansas!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by LT55
My backup plan is to get my own apartment if he won’t leave. I have one to look at tomorrow morning.
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