Kan

Went to court today over my divorce from my AH. He did not show up at all and when I texted him to tell him it was final he only asked about his titles to his bike, boat, and child support. Amazing how selfish they are. I was saddened because of 23 years being thrown away but my middle son went with me and he said "Mom, you did everything you possibly could to help him. He does not want help."Does there ever come a time they look back and see what they lost? As of right now his only concern is his addict girlfriend and the drug.

SparkleKitty

Maybe? But waiting around for it could lose you many good years of your one precious life.

Hechosedrugs

Kan, I'm so sorry. His asking about the titles was just heartless. But you are free now. The world is your oyster. Keep up with your recovery and you will go so far.
It's okay to mourn this loss, just make sure you don't get stuck in that phase. Take time to grieve, but take steps to move on as well. Most importantly, don't isolate.
Great things are ahead of you. Believe it!

hopeful4

It's so sorry to watch those you care/cared about go down the rabbit hole. Sending you lots of support!

Gm0824

Kan, glad to hear it was finalized. Sad but typical response. You are better than me if you would have answered him .... I would have told him to go to the court house an obtain his own copy of the decree. I don't know if they can look back and reflect accurately on what they have thrown away when they are still lost themselves. Hugs to you!

zoso77

Well, it's always sad when a marriage comes to this. But that doesn't necessarily mean the end result -- in this case a divorce -- is a bad thing. This'll sting for a while, but I hope you have the presence of mind to remember you're now free of him. He's someone else's problem now. So it's time to live the life you want to live. And in time, that life may turn out to be better than you than you ever could have imagined.

Ann

It's okay to mourn when we have to leave the past behind, when we accept that our hopes and dreams will not be fulfilled in the way we had hoped or expected. It's okay to mourn the loss of the man he once was, before the drugs stole his soul. And it's okay to feel sad that he is still lost in his addiction and incapable of feeling remorse for his part in all this. It's okay.

And then...it's okay to let go of the pain and move forward with your life, even though he hasn't moved forward with his. Sometimes we have to leave those who chose to remain stuck in the past, where they are.

I suspect you will experience a roller coaster ride of emotions, from elation for being free, to sadness for what was but could never be, to peace in your new life away from the insanity...and that's all okay too.

Your son sounds very wise, keep your family close right now, they feel the pain too. Heal together and then keep moving forward to better days ahead, I promise there will be better days ahead.

Kan

Thank you all for your responses.I know that I did all I could but sometimes I question my worth. I know that I should not care about his choices and the addicted girlfriend that he left us for but sometimes it makes a person wonder what is wrong with them. I know that it is the drugs and I hope and pray with time that I will be able to look back and understand.

hopeful4

While you may never understand, the sting does heal with time. You will be able to let many more things go.

Hugs!

BlownOne

FWIW, I have known very, very few people in my life who have done things that hurt other people (deeply and profoundly) that haven't had the karma train come back and run them over at some point. You did everything you could. Time and the Universe will see to the rest.

sixth

Oh wow! lol I just found out what A H means! I'm sorry...
I'm cryin from laughin. OMGosh.... Kan, seriously, God Bless Ya! Or whoever you deem appropriate m'love.

OMGosh, you've just MADE MY DAY!!! LMBO <3

sixth

I think I'm in trouble! I'm outta here anyway. Yes my son's in County. so ciao! and God Bless.

sixth

Never mind I figured it out.

Spence7471

From my experience with my recovering wife, they do... in her case, she looked back and saw what she was going to lose... she had enough "sober" moments during her use to realize that she was losing it all... Now that she is sober, she is grateful that she did not lose it and mourns what she has lost because of what she did.

However, sounds like your husband is not yet there....

Kan

Spence7471, he is not even close to being remorseful.He thinks he has everything he ever wanted. Is even wanting the addict girlfriend to marry him.Tells her that she is the only person he ever truly loved. Really? So, we had 23 years of marriage and three kids but he never loved me? This is what hurts the most. I am trying to understand what is wrong with me and why I was not good enough. One of my friends assurances me that it is him and not me. She stated in time he will see. I keep hearing what goes around, comes around but not sure if he will ever get his. I know that a lot of this is the emotional rollercoaster that I just have to learn to deal with. Thank you all for your continued support.

OpheliaKatz

Kan, I sympathize with you. You were together for 23 years and you loved him and tolerated his choices until you could not live with him or his choices anymore. And now he's saying that those 23 years meant nothing, that he has found the love of his life. What is wrong with you, you ask? Why don't I see that there's anything wrong with you? You are mourning the end of your 23-year relationship. I think that's normal. I would think there's something wrong with you if you didn't mourn.

What I want to know is what is wrong with him that he doesn't seem to "get" what is going on and has simply moved on without blinking. Well, I think we all know what's wrong with him: he lives with addict blinkers on and has no peripheral vision.

The only thing he cares about is chasing his high. Right now his high is this new woman. In five months, maybe that high will wear off, maybe reality will start looking a bit ugly... then who knows what he'll do to avoiding seeing what he needs to see.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sorry that your ex is a selfish man. There's one thing you can take away from this though: you know how to love someone for two decades, you know how to "do" commitment. When it comes to relationships, if you chose the right person next time, you're a sure bet. Whoever gets the new you next is lucky.

"I am trying to understand what is wrong with me and why I was not good enough."

Maybe the "problem" is that you were too good for him?

Hechosedrugs

Someone once told me, "I've seen the end of this story. You win."

And they seem to have been right. My ex is not living the dreamy life he seemed to be in the beginning. His girlfriend is a wreck. A bipolar crankwhore. He lost unsupervised visits with his kids, and now isn't even exercising his supervised visits. He's losing his hair because of all the chemicals he's dumping on his head to try to pass a hair follicle drug test. When I was cleaning out the garage I found tons of little containers of dental filling and tooth repair stuff. So I'm guessing he'd started having tooth problems way back then, which means he's probably going to be losing them soon.

You'll see someday. Being an addict is no way to live. And he's in a relationship with one, to top it off. Double whammy. What hell they must live together.

Hug your kids and just be grateful you're not in his shoes.

Kan

OpheliaKatz and Hechosedrugs, thank you for your support. OpheliaKatz, I do think it is the mourning of two decades and you are correct. I do know how to love somebody the right way and not take it for granted. Maybe, I was to good for him. Thank you OpheliaKatz, your encouragement helps so much. Hechosedrugs, you are correct. Me and my kids do win. He will slowly continue to spiral downward and then maybe at rock bottom he will see. Thank you Hechosedrugs for your words of advice. I appreciate you both for giving me an insight on things. Sometimes I just need a reminder.

Ann

I have never read that before but oh how very true it is! That phrase is going in my treasures. Thanks, Hechosedrugs.

Kan, I have nothing to add or offer tonight but I'm cheering you on and sending hugs.