Checking
 

Hi SR, I've been on and off here for two years now and I just feel like I want to check in and need a little bit of wisdom/encouragement.

I was with an addict on and off for 4 years. Last year I'd had enough and I ended it, which was quite a drawn out process that took a lot of thinking and planning and determination. He'd generally spent all of last year clean and was following through with all the commitments he'd made to make our relationship "work". Then I moved away for a few months for a temporary job placement. I came home one weekend for a visit and the second I saw him I knew something was off. He stumbled, couldn't walk straight and his speech was slurred - he was holding flowers he'd got for me. He looked me in the eye and said he wasn't on anything. All the ****** feelings and memories came flooding back to me in an instant, and I got that familiar sick feeling of panic, worry and being lost. That lapse continued for a few weeks. He also got an STI while I was away somehow, but still swears black n blue that he never cheated on me. (I got checked, am good). I made the decision to end it and he moved out in December.

It's been 4 months and I've felt much lighter, have hardly worried about him or what he's doing (although I have to sometimes check myself for worrying if he's using), and have just generally felt free. Yesterday I found out he's moving on and has been with someone else, also has been heavily drinking and is back with his old crowd (all users), and I got caught by surprise with a rush of emotions and sick feelings. He sent me heaps of messages last night saying how much he misses me, feels like he's ruined the best thing that's happened to him and that he wishes he did everything right from the start. I feel so angry and upset and just a bit overwhelmed from it all, it feels like too little too late. I'm angry at him for highlighting all the things that were wrong with us and how he wishes he changed it all before it was too late, because he's aware of it all but couldn't be bothered putting in the effort for me and only now in hindsight he finally sees it all.

And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way. I remind myself every day to let go and accept, focus on myself, and let him be whoever he is and do whatever he's doing, with or without me. I've even been seeing someone, who is lovely and awesome, doesn't use and reminds me of what it's like to be treated properly. I know it's not my place and I have no right to feel jealous or upset, but that's just how feelings work hey. Hoping to feel better about all of this and continue reading around on these forums, and am thinking of maybe going to a local meeting. Any advice would be awesome, thanks

Seems like you are taking good care of yourself and now seeing someone nice.

After years of dealing with addiction and all that goes with it, we adapt and it becomes our "norm", however dysfunctional. We get used to it and know how to act and respond..and wisely we learn to let go.

You are in a new, healthy relationship and that may feel strange for a while. It's not what you are accustomed to, it IS what you deserve and I hope things go well for you.

My suggestion is to keep moving forward, don't look back, the past is not worth repeating. Take the lessons with you as you grow in a healthy relationship.

Whether this new relationship pans out or not, you are wiser for having seen and recalling how relationships are supposed to be, each bringing something special and sharing together while each maintains their own identity and is not dependent on the other.

Sick attracts sick, healthy attracts healthy. You are doing well to see the difference.

No new contact = no new hurt.

Not sure who contacted who first but it’s like you ripped the band aid off and now the healing process has to start all over again.

No new contact=no new hurt.