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Just found out my boyfriend is an "occasional" coke snorter. Need advice.



Just found out my boyfriend is an "occasional" coke snorter. Need advice.

Old 03-23-2018, 08:58 PM
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Just found out my boyfriend is an "occasional" coke snorter. Need advice.

To start off I want to tell you a little about myself, not my life story but some things that I feel are important. I grew up in a bad neighborhood in California from before I could walk till I was around 9 I spend a lot of time in AA meetings. She worked as a counselor and and manager, had been going to NA and AA since before I was born and has done every drug you can think of. because of this she has always told me a lot of the experiences she had on those drugs and the effects it had on her and her friends. We moved to Washington to get away from all that though. when I was 22 I met the first love of my life. he took my virginity and was my everything, but we broke up and ended up just being friends with benefits. after almost a year and a half of still acting like a couple we knew just being friends isn't working so we got back together. I'm now 25 and i'm still with him. I knew in his past he did some drugs and that he does coke sometimes but very rarely, we started talking about moving in together one day and started saving up so we can make that happen. now its close to move out day and he just told me that for three months he had been snorting coke 1-2 times a month for the last 3 months, only small amounts.but it took him that long to get up the courage to tell me. He said he did a lot of research and found that it isn't as bad as i think and i tried to ask if we can make a rule that he doesn't bring it into the house if we live together. he said he doesn't like setting rules and it just makes him want to rebel. He even said " I really like coke its fun, especially when drinking" our feeling for each other has kind of dwindled before he told me this (yet we have been trying to make it work) i'm having issues with these developments. I know an occasional coke snorter can quickly become a problem, yet I never have met some one who loves me and is patient as he is.We have 99% of things in common and get along so well. I honestly cant see my life without him. but this can make me loose everything. what should I do?
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Old 03-23-2018, 10:45 PM
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Just found out my boyfriend is an "occasional" coke user

To start off I want to tell you a little about myself, not my life story but some things that I feel are important. I grew up in a bad neighborhood in California from before I could walk till I was around 9 I spend a lot of time in AA meetings. She worked as a counselor and and manager, had been going to NA and AA since before I was born and has done every drug you can think of. because of this she has always told me a lot of the experiences she had on those drugs and the effects it had on her and her friends. We moved to Washington to get away from all that though.

When I was 22 I met the first love of my life. he took my virginity and was my everything, but we broke up and ended up just being friends with benefits. after almost a year and a half of still acting like a couple we knew just being friends isn't working so we got back together. I'm now 25 and i'm still with him. I knew in his past he did some drugs and that he does coke sometimes but very rarely, we started talking about moving in together one day and started saving up so we can make that happen. now its close to move out day and he just told me that for three months he had been snorting coke 1-2 times a month for the last 3 months, only small amounts.but it took him that long to get up the courage to tell me. He said he did a lot of research and found that it isn't as bad as i think and i tried to ask if we can make a rule that he doesn't bring it into the house if we live together. he said he doesn't like setting rules and it just makes him want to rebel. He even said " I really like coke its fun, especially when drinking"

Our feelings for each other has kind of dwindled before he told me this (yet we have been trying to make it work) i'm having issues with these developments. I know an occasional coke snorter can quickly become a problem, yet I never have met some one who loves me and is patient as he is.We have 99% of things in common and get along so well. I honestly cant see my life without him. but this can make me loose everything. what should I do?
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Old 03-24-2018, 04:24 AM
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Hi, NAbaby.
Welcome.
Coke IS fun.
Til it isn’t.
I think your head is steering you right, but your heart is going in another direction.
Coke is not only addictive, it’s expensive, especially when combined with alcohol.
Many a story on this board about disastrous, expensive coke/alcohol driven evenings.
Not going to tell you what to do, because only you can decide, but I would be very, very cautious about moving in together and combining funds.
At least, keep your financials separate from his.
Peace.
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Old 03-24-2018, 05:27 AM
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Thank you for your reply.
I think you are right I am letting my heart get in the way of doing whats right. I just the strength to carry it through.
How i'm going to start finding that strength is a different problem.
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Old 03-24-2018, 08:05 AM
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He's rationalizing by saying it's not that bad or only a little. If he does other stuff and/or drinks that's not good either.

Family alcoholic started with underage drinking, concerts & partying to adult drinking and partying. "occassional" was replaced or supplemented by steroids, sports drinks and other stuff. After stimulant type drugs the user frequently wants to slow or calm themselves down with other drugs including alcohol.

The rationalizing is the red flag to me. I think some call it minimizing as well. But it's his excuse.
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Old 03-24-2018, 08:32 AM
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Ah, the old "I don't like having to follow rules, it makes me want to rebel" line. Funny, somehow I think if the rule was "You must do coke" he wouldn't rebel against it one bit.

He wants to use coke, so he's going to use coke.

So you need to make the decision:

Are you okay with losing everything you own and more? Many (and I'd venture to say most) who've stayed ended up in massive debt (I know I did. I was told by a bankruptcy attorney: "You owe more than you're worth".

Are you prepared to go to jail? It's a very real possibility, having coke around (and of course, any illegal activity that goes along with it).

Are you okay with him sleeping around with loose women, and possibly infecting you with a lifelong disease? Coke causes sexual deviance. Cheating is the norm, not cheating is VERY rare.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I'd strongly encourage you to examine your heart to determine WHY. Why are you okay with this? Too many Disney movies in your childhood? Too little self esteem? What makes you think you should settle for any of this? Not trying to be harsh, because I was once in your shoes. I'm still trying to figure out the WHY for myself. Celebrate Recovery has helped me immensely. Others have found help in CODA or NARANON. Whether you choose to stay or go, I highly recommend starting a program of your own.

Many blessings.
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Old 03-24-2018, 12:26 PM
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Hypothetical situation: How would you feel about your mom/sister/daughter/best friend dating a guy who was a "occasional coke snorter"?
I'm also willing to bet the number of times he's used and the amounts aren't the whole truth by a long shot.
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Old 03-24-2018, 02:58 PM
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Thank you Hechosedrugs for your reply.
I think it is too little self esteem, Before I met him I hated everything about myself. I'm overweight and had never had a relationship so I felt ugly and unwanted. When he came into my life he was the first person to make me feel like I was worth something. I am not ok with losing everything. I just need to prove to myself that he may be the one who brought all that out of me but I can still be that person if he is not around. I will check out all the programs you have suggested.
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Old 03-24-2018, 03:02 PM
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BlownOne.
I would be concerned and would probably try telling them that it isn't even close to being worth sticking around. Your right. I really don't know how much he is actually doing. I didn't even know he had been high when we were hanging out together. it does explain the random nose bleeds though. I just thought the weather was drying out his nose causing it to bleed.
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Old 03-24-2018, 03:45 PM
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yeah addicts are famous for telling partial "truths" - in this case the part that was true is that he does coke. the rest.........well my BS meter is pegged - just a little bit a couple times a month...said no one ever.

some might get all starry eyed at how honest he's being.....instead it's really a warning. and you appear to be seeing it for what it is. good for you.
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Old 03-24-2018, 05:14 PM
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He said he did a lot of research and found that it isn't as bad as i think and i tried to ask if we can make a rule that he doesn't bring it into the house if we live together. he said he doesn't like setting rules and it just makes him want to rebel. He even said " I really like coke its fun, especially when drinking" our feeling for each other has kind of dwindled before he told me this
What he is saying is that he isn't about to quit any time soon and he's going to try to convince you that "you're" the one who is messed up. Living with active addiction is a nightmare beyond your worst horror. It is progressive, it gets worse quickly and you put yourself in great danger, physically and financially and legally.

Are you prepared to lose everything financially for him?

Are you prepared to go to jail for him?

Are you prepared to hide from "the wrong people" if he messes with them (like my son did)?

I rarely try to influence the choices of others but if you were my daughter or friend I would beg you to run for the hills while you can. It just isn't going to get better any time soon.

Good luck.
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Old 03-24-2018, 05:26 PM
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Thank you for your strong and encouraging words Ann. Everyone here has taught me that my gut feeling has been right all along and that I should get away from the situation and get into counseling. Its going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done, yet I can see it only getting better after that.
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Old 03-24-2018, 05:44 PM
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Your thinking will see you far. Counseling has helped many of us here.

It's good to see you taking care of you. You will be okay.
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Old 03-25-2018, 09:06 AM
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He is cornering you into cosigning his addiction.

Believe me when I tell you he does it more than he admits. I don't have to know him to know that. His verbage says it all.

This is the part where you decide what you are willng to accept and live with. I can tell you when it comes to the addict you get far more then you ever bargined for (and not in a good way).

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Old 03-25-2018, 05:14 PM
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Thank you nytepassion for your words of advice.
I take what you are saying to heart and appreciate your opinions on this hard situation.
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Old 03-27-2018, 04:26 PM
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I know an occasional coke snorter can quickly become a problem, yet I never have met some one who loves me and is patient as he is.We have 99% of things in common and get along so well. I honestly cant see my life without him.
So, you're 25 years old. You have a long and (hopefully) healthy life ahead of you. And this is the man you want to hitch your wagon to?

I get it. You love him. And when we love someone, we want and tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. Of course you can't imagine a life without him. But may I suggest the reason you can't imagine a life without him is due to a lack of imagination.

A lot of things could happen, after all. His occasional use could rapidly evolve into regular use. Regular use increases the risk of an overdose. And then what? Or maybe he tires of you hounding him to quit and he gives you the boot.

I'm not in a position to tell you what to do. But what I can tell you without reservation is a good life, perhaps better life, without an addict is possible. I've lived it. Search my posts starting from January 2012. Then check out my posts starting in May 2013...then January 2016...then December 2016...then last September.

Anything is possible. Don't limit yourself or the possibilities. Do what you think is right.
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Old 03-31-2018, 07:25 PM
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I told him to come over after work because we needed to talk. he asked about what and I said our relationship and the drug use. he came over with gifts. (my favorite candy, chips, and cigs.) He kissed me before sitting down.

I tried to explain to him how I was feeling about the situation. I asked him what he would do if I made a rule that he could do all the coke he wanted would be want to be a rebel and stop completely? the answer was "that would never be a rule so that's stupid"

I explained that I loved him and would even die for him, But hard drugs is something I couldn't deal with. he went off on me. "I have been doing it for three months and you haven't noticed any difference in me and it has never effected you, so why are you acting like it is effecting you now just because you know? I'm really hurt that you don't trust me when I say I got this under control. I go to work, pay my child support, and always make sure everything is handled before I even think about getting some."

I started to feel like a terrible person but I explained that him being about to hide something like that from me for three months scared me because it ment he could hide anything from me. i then asked what he would think if he found out i had been shooting up heroin for the past three months.

he said "if you had been doing it for three months and i never noticed. I would think that you had everything under control and i would trust you. That's what trust is. You don't ask questions. If you trusted me we wouldn't be having this conversation"

Even though i had a sinking feeling that i was a terrible girlfriend and did something wrong. I knew what he had just said also opened my eyes. I said heroin because it is one of the most dangerous drugs out there, yet he wouldn't care because i said "i got this."? how could he actually love me and be ok with that?

needless to say we broke up. ( cried most of the night but was fine after that)we are still friends and text each other, but that's about it. he said he learned a lot about me that night and knows it was for the best. I agreed because I learned a lot about him too.
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Old 03-31-2018, 10:34 PM
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Hi NA,

Sorry that had to happen, you did the right thing in my opinion.

First of all, as you already know, using cocaine is A BIG DEAL, him trying to convince you or being disbelieving when you don't agree is a huge red flag.

That's what trust is. You don't ask questions. If you trusted me we wouldn't be having this conversation
Huh? Trust is not that cut and dried. It is also earned and he basically withheld important information from you, because he knew you wouldn't like the information. That's not someone that's trustworthy.

"he said he learned a lot about me that night and knows it was for the best"

That comment is just cruel and manipulative, in my opinion. Oh I found out what YOU are like so it's so much better we aren't in a relationship.

Really?

He found out you aren't going to put up with his drug use, that's what he found out and I would guess the only reason he even confessed before you moved in together is that he wouldn't be as good at hiding it as he has been and figured you would see it so he better confess.

Anyway, i'm sure it is tough for you and i'm glad you are doing what is right for you.

Do you think it's a good idea to stay in contact with him right now?
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Old 03-31-2018, 11:16 PM
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thank you for your comment trailmix!

We decided to stay friend because we enjoy everything about each other. We just realized that this is something we could not agree on and it is a deal breaker when it comes to a relationship.

I know this might lead to feeling of hurt in the future, but he is the only friend I have in my life so losing my relationship with him and his friendship would be a little to hard to handle at the moment.

I'm making sure to keep him in the friend zone. that way there is no relapsing (in a romantic sense) I'm guessing we will just slowly drift apart and find new people that make us happy, and surprisingly i'm totally ok with that right now.
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Old 04-01-2018, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
"he said he learned a lot about me that night and knows it was for the best"

That comment is just cruel and manipulative, in my opinion. Oh I found out what YOU are like so it's so much better we aren't in a relationship.

Really?

He found out you aren't going to put up with his drug use, that's what he found out and I would guess the only reason he even confessed before you moved in together is that he wouldn't be as good at hiding it as he has been and figured you would see it so he better confess.
Rigtht? I totally side-eyed that comment. It was SO something my ex would have said. Ugh.

I get so tired of the "It takes two to tango" line of thinking regarding relationships. Sure, no one's perfect, so when a relationship breaks down it's not entirely one person's fault. But when one person is an addict don't expect the other to accept 50% of the blame. This guy intentionally withheld information that could jeopardize your present and future. I don't know what your shortcomings are- maybe you make a crummy souffle? Let too much of your hair collect in the shower drain? NOT THE SAME LEVEL.

Seriously? The "now I know how you really are" comment is emotional abuse.

But anyway. He's decided to keep doing cocaine, but he's going to limit himself by setting boundaries for himself, like only doing it occasionally. I hope I can come across gently in saying this, because I know so very well how difficult this is... but do you see any similarities between what he's doing with coke and what you're doing with this "friend zone" decision? What are the chances of him continuing to use moderately (if he's really doing that, which is doubtful), and what are the chances of you slowly and peacefully drifting apart and finding new partners? How do you think it might go if you do meet someone really great? How might he feel about your associating with a cocaine addict, much less a cocaine addict who you were once sexually involved with?

Please don't think what I'm saying is harsh. Remember it takes most abused women 7 tries before they are successful in leaving a relationship. When you are with an addict, you ARE in an abusive relationship. And almost every physically abused woman will tell you- the emotional abuse was what was worse. It's so difficult to break through that fog.

Many blessings. Again, please don't take this in the wrong way. I really hope you keep posting here. We can all learn so much from eachother.
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