Just found out my boyfriend is an "occasional" coke snorter. Need advice.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 16
Thank you Hechosedrugs for your comment!
I don't take any of these comments as "harsh" or "mean" I read them more like guidance and tough love.
I never thought of our relationship as abusive. I mean there has been a couple times he has said something that made me feel terrible about myself and made me worried or panic that he was gonna be mad when I was running late to something or over slept. I would wake up to 2 messages at 5pm one with a good morning message and the second with "wow you must be busy......." then he would be kind of pissy the rest of the day after I apologize and he says its okay.
I never thought of the fact that even if I find a guy that makes me truly happy he might not want me around him anymore. You would think that would have crossed my mind. Our connection is strong, but I don't want that strong relationship to come between me and my future.
If it takes abused women around 7 times to leave an abuser I may be closer then I think. We have broke up and gotten back together again twice and tried to stop being friends twice.
many blessing to you too. I will keep posting this forum has helped me work a lot of things out in my head,
I don't take any of these comments as "harsh" or "mean" I read them more like guidance and tough love.
I never thought of our relationship as abusive. I mean there has been a couple times he has said something that made me feel terrible about myself and made me worried or panic that he was gonna be mad when I was running late to something or over slept. I would wake up to 2 messages at 5pm one with a good morning message and the second with "wow you must be busy......." then he would be kind of pissy the rest of the day after I apologize and he says its okay.
I never thought of the fact that even if I find a guy that makes me truly happy he might not want me around him anymore. You would think that would have crossed my mind. Our connection is strong, but I don't want that strong relationship to come between me and my future.
If it takes abused women around 7 times to leave an abuser I may be closer then I think. We have broke up and gotten back together again twice and tried to stop being friends twice.
many blessing to you too. I will keep posting this forum has helped me work a lot of things out in my head,
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I wish I could get Hechosedrugs' response and make the whole thing in bold, neon letters... because I agree with this 100%. I want to tell you that I had a similar discussion with my stbx(AH) -- in fact I tried to "discuss" this issue with him more than once and ended up marrying him, unfortunately. No discussion about drugs with an active addict ends as a productive discussion. It always becomes about the addict trying to manipulate and control you (in my experience). So when I read about "codependents" trying to "control" situations, I really can't always agree. Sometimes you're not in the relationship because you are "codependent", you're trapped in it because you've been manipulated into that position and when you try to leave, the addict tries to kill themselves, hurt your children, steal your money, destroy your car... etc. So you stay and hope that he will free you from the situation by changing from your captor to your rescuer. But of course, this magical thinking never actualizes -- you have to rescue yourself, which is difficult, because you don't necessarily have the tools for it.
Clearly there are people who are classically codependent, and that's not a crime either, but they need help the way addicts need help. Whoever you feel you are, wherever you fall on the spectrum, Alanon or Naranon can help. SR will help. Face-to-face counseling does help. All those things help to a degree. But the thing that is going to help the most is to simply ask yourself what sort of life you want to live because you only get one. ONE. An addict doesn't understand that. I'm sorry to be harsh but it's true: addiction has no respect for lives, not yours, not the people around you. It's like a forest fire.
So now I'm going to get off his soap box and say "hear hear" at all these Hechosedrugs quotes.
I get so tired of the "It takes two to tango" line of thinking regarding relationships. Sure, no one's perfect, so when a relationship breaks down it's not entirely one person's fault. But when one person is an addict don't expect the other to accept 50% of the blame. This guy intentionally withheld information that could jeopardize your present and future. I don't know what your shortcomings are- maybe you make a crummy souffle? Let too much of your hair collect in the shower drain? NOT THE SAME LEVEL.
Hear, hear!
Seriously? The "now I know how you really are" comment is emotional abuse.
Agree 100%. I heard this so often in my relationship. I've even heard, "it takes two people for domestic violence or abuse to happen, so you have to look at how this is your fault because it's your fault too." So basically... if someone insults you when you state your boundaries it is your fault? No it is not. Saying "I know how you really are" is a statement meant to undermine your trust in your own judgement.
know so very well how difficult this is... but do you see any similarities between what he's doing with coke and what you're doing with this "friend zone" decision? What are the chances of him continuing to use moderately (if he's really doing that, which is doubtful), and what are the chances of you slowly and peacefully drifting apart and finding new partners? How do you think it might go if you do meet someone really great? How might he feel about your associating with a cocaine addict, much less a cocaine addict who you were once sexually involved with?
Agree. Just cut ties. No contact. Take a long bath. I'm afraid that putting him in the friendzone is actually you hoping that you can eventually have a relationship with this guy because he will eventually be clean. It takes years and years to stop using sometimes, and then recovery is a full-time project. Read around the boards and you will see that there are a lot of people whose exes continue to try to use them and draw them into addiction drama.
Please don't think what I'm saying is harsh. Remember it takes most abused women 7 tries before they are successful in leaving a relationship. When you are with an addict, you ARE in an abusive relationship. And almost every physically abused woman will tell you- the emotional abuse was what was worse. It's so difficult to break through that fog.
Can confirm. I can tell you that the emotional abuse was the worst thing about it.
Run away from this guy. You tried to ask for what you needed. He tried to make you feel bad about it. If you stay with him, if you fall for his lies, he will try to make you feel bad about ANY boundaries you have, eventually. Over time, you will feel less and less like a person, until you feel like you have no options because you have no friends, no money, and no place to live. He will alienate your friends, spend or steal all your money, and make it hard for you to keep a roof over your head. You may not believe it now, but I also didn't believe it 10 years ago.
Clearly there are people who are classically codependent, and that's not a crime either, but they need help the way addicts need help. Whoever you feel you are, wherever you fall on the spectrum, Alanon or Naranon can help. SR will help. Face-to-face counseling does help. All those things help to a degree. But the thing that is going to help the most is to simply ask yourself what sort of life you want to live because you only get one. ONE. An addict doesn't understand that. I'm sorry to be harsh but it's true: addiction has no respect for lives, not yours, not the people around you. It's like a forest fire.
So now I'm going to get off his soap box and say "hear hear" at all these Hechosedrugs quotes.
I get so tired of the "It takes two to tango" line of thinking regarding relationships. Sure, no one's perfect, so when a relationship breaks down it's not entirely one person's fault. But when one person is an addict don't expect the other to accept 50% of the blame. This guy intentionally withheld information that could jeopardize your present and future. I don't know what your shortcomings are- maybe you make a crummy souffle? Let too much of your hair collect in the shower drain? NOT THE SAME LEVEL.
Hear, hear!
Seriously? The "now I know how you really are" comment is emotional abuse.
Agree 100%. I heard this so often in my relationship. I've even heard, "it takes two people for domestic violence or abuse to happen, so you have to look at how this is your fault because it's your fault too." So basically... if someone insults you when you state your boundaries it is your fault? No it is not. Saying "I know how you really are" is a statement meant to undermine your trust in your own judgement.
know so very well how difficult this is... but do you see any similarities between what he's doing with coke and what you're doing with this "friend zone" decision? What are the chances of him continuing to use moderately (if he's really doing that, which is doubtful), and what are the chances of you slowly and peacefully drifting apart and finding new partners? How do you think it might go if you do meet someone really great? How might he feel about your associating with a cocaine addict, much less a cocaine addict who you were once sexually involved with?
Agree. Just cut ties. No contact. Take a long bath. I'm afraid that putting him in the friendzone is actually you hoping that you can eventually have a relationship with this guy because he will eventually be clean. It takes years and years to stop using sometimes, and then recovery is a full-time project. Read around the boards and you will see that there are a lot of people whose exes continue to try to use them and draw them into addiction drama.
Please don't think what I'm saying is harsh. Remember it takes most abused women 7 tries before they are successful in leaving a relationship. When you are with an addict, you ARE in an abusive relationship. And almost every physically abused woman will tell you- the emotional abuse was what was worse. It's so difficult to break through that fog.
Can confirm. I can tell you that the emotional abuse was the worst thing about it.
Run away from this guy. You tried to ask for what you needed. He tried to make you feel bad about it. If you stay with him, if you fall for his lies, he will try to make you feel bad about ANY boundaries you have, eventually. Over time, you will feel less and less like a person, until you feel like you have no options because you have no friends, no money, and no place to live. He will alienate your friends, spend or steal all your money, and make it hard for you to keep a roof over your head. You may not believe it now, but I also didn't believe it 10 years ago.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by NAbaby 
I never thought of our relationship as abusive. I mean there has been a couple times he has said something that made me feel terrible about myself and made me worried or panic that he was gonna be mad when I was running late to something or over slept. I would wake up to 2 messages at 5pm one with a good morning message and the second with "wow you must be busy......." then he would be kind of pissy the rest of the day after I apologize and he says its okay.
2) you fear his anger, which he shows if you over-sleep, so this relationship causes you anxiety and fear.
3)he controls you by keeping tabs on you (sending you messages), he controls you by being moody or making you feel his moods, and then keeps you in line by making you feel as if you have to apologize.
All that drama drama drama because you over-sleep? Seriously?
It sounds like the relationship revolves around his special snowflake moods. Also, he is dishonest, which shows he doesn't respect you. He doesn't care about your well-being and doesn't share your values. You don't need this as a friend! Your life is worth more than this.
Please read "Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Men" by Lundy Bancroft, then tell me this guy isn't abusive. I know this relationship doesn't seem abusive but abusers aren't all bruisers who are going to give you a black eye... at least not yet. Some of them can get by just using manipulation alone to control their intimate partner and that can go on for years and years. When you finally get it in your head that he's robbing you blind, or cheating on you, or you just get sick of having to be a full-time maid and mental-health counselor to someone who never grew up, he just might shift to his end-game and you will end up with a black eye.
I also realize that you might think that maybe he's just being manipulative to protect his addiction, maybe he's just an addict, maybe he's just a sick guy and needs help (he might even try to convince you of this himself). However... not every addict has ever tried to control their intimate partner. Some are just fall-down drunks who pass out on the toilet night after night and forget to pick their child up from school. Some of them are just the sorts that scream, "I hate you, you're a big baboon" to their spouses when they're confronted with their addiction. Of course those actions may be abusive, but these are not necessarily abusers. The thing that defines abuse is CONTROL.
What I can see in your relationship from the mini-scene you described, is that this guy tries to control you. That is a huge red flag. He's not going to be a good buddy.
I'm sorry that this has happened, but better that you're leaving now than 10, 20 years down the road when you've made a child with him, who he will use against you in a horrible endless custody battle.
You were really decent to him by trying to have a discussion with him about why you had to end things. You are a decent person. Now be good to yourself and wash yourself clean of this horribleness.
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Hi again, NAbaby.
Breaking up was the right thing to do for you.
Time will tell as to stayong friends.
Meantime, if you have been intimate, I would consider getting tested.
Coke is such a behavior altering substance.
There may have been some other stuff going on during that 3 months of which you are not aware.
Just a thought.
Peace.
Breaking up was the right thing to do for you.
Time will tell as to stayong friends.
Meantime, if you have been intimate, I would consider getting tested.
Coke is such a behavior altering substance.
There may have been some other stuff going on during that 3 months of which you are not aware.
Just a thought.
Peace.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 16
thank you for your comments OpheliaKatz .
After reading your posts I had to have a long hard look at what I have been doing and the situation I ended up in. ( Which is why it took so long to reply). I think you are right about a lot of things and I too agree with a lot of what Hechosedrugs said. I might have been hoping that if I stuck around and stayed "friends" with him that I would see him change his mind at some point, realized what he was doing was stupid, and apologize. I now know that isn't smart thinking.
The more I hear about the fact that he may have been emotionally abusive, the more I look back I realize there was small things he did that I took as just his personality and not him trying to control me. Now I don't know how to feel about a lot of things. Before I met him I told my mom EVERYTHING about my life. Nothing was off limits with her and even though I agree I shouldn't tell her everything about my love life because its kind of weird. (though I did at first when I got in a relationship with him) slowly he made me feel like me and my mom were to close and slowly our relationship started to dwindle. We use to joke and laugh all the time with each other now me and her barely talk at all. She has even told me in the past his love "was conditional".
When I texted him about wanting to talk to him about our relationship and his drug use his first response was "*sigh* ok" the next text can quickly after saying "let me guess you told your mother?" I got kind of mad and all I could say was " I never tell her anything about my life anymore! I haven't for a long time!" he said "We haven't even been together for a "long time" this time but my bad!"
The thought of cutting ties with him still scares me. I hate the thought of being alone. I understand what you are saying about it. But for some reason I still feel hesitant to even try. I will be buying that book the next time I can. Still will be moving out on my own. just not with him. So all my money is being saved for that, But I love reading and i feel this book might help.
I use to go the therapy often. The person i have been talking to since i was around 15 left the place I go about 2 years ago. She said she picked someone for me that i think i would like. She was nice and kind of helpful yet it wasn't the same. i have some problems with change as you can probably tell.
Thank you.
I try to always be decent to anyone and everyone. I don't usually raise my voice, have never been in a fist fight, and even he says i'm the nicest person he has ever been with and even might be nicest person he has ever met.
Maudcat
Thank you for the advice! i will make a doctors appointment to make sure everything's ok. I hate that thought that he might have cheated but i cant be sure of anything anymore.
After reading your posts I had to have a long hard look at what I have been doing and the situation I ended up in. ( Which is why it took so long to reply). I think you are right about a lot of things and I too agree with a lot of what Hechosedrugs said. I might have been hoping that if I stuck around and stayed "friends" with him that I would see him change his mind at some point, realized what he was doing was stupid, and apologize. I now know that isn't smart thinking.
The more I hear about the fact that he may have been emotionally abusive, the more I look back I realize there was small things he did that I took as just his personality and not him trying to control me. Now I don't know how to feel about a lot of things. Before I met him I told my mom EVERYTHING about my life. Nothing was off limits with her and even though I agree I shouldn't tell her everything about my love life because its kind of weird. (though I did at first when I got in a relationship with him) slowly he made me feel like me and my mom were to close and slowly our relationship started to dwindle. We use to joke and laugh all the time with each other now me and her barely talk at all. She has even told me in the past his love "was conditional".
When I texted him about wanting to talk to him about our relationship and his drug use his first response was "*sigh* ok" the next text can quickly after saying "let me guess you told your mother?" I got kind of mad and all I could say was " I never tell her anything about my life anymore! I haven't for a long time!" he said "We haven't even been together for a "long time" this time but my bad!"
The thought of cutting ties with him still scares me. I hate the thought of being alone. I understand what you are saying about it. But for some reason I still feel hesitant to even try. I will be buying that book the next time I can. Still will be moving out on my own. just not with him. So all my money is being saved for that, But I love reading and i feel this book might help.
I use to go the therapy often. The person i have been talking to since i was around 15 left the place I go about 2 years ago. She said she picked someone for me that i think i would like. She was nice and kind of helpful yet it wasn't the same. i have some problems with change as you can probably tell.
Thank you.
I try to always be decent to anyone and everyone. I don't usually raise my voice, have never been in a fist fight, and even he says i'm the nicest person he has ever been with and even might be nicest person he has ever met.
Maudcat
Thank you for the advice! i will make a doctors appointment to make sure everything's ok. I hate that thought that he might have cheated but i cant be sure of anything anymore.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I might have been hoping that if I stuck around and stayed "friends" with him that I would see him change his mind at some point, realized what he was doing was stupid, and apologize. I now know that isn't smart thinking.
That's okay. You're in love. "In love" goggles doesn't care about what your brain really knows. Don't ignore your uncomfortable feelings and your instinct and you'll be fine. I think a lot of us here have hoped for the "friends" option.
Before I met him I told my mom EVERYTHING about my life. Nothing was off limits with her and even though I agree I shouldn't tell her everything about my love life because its kind of weird. (though I did at first when I got in a relationship with him) slowly he made me feel like me and my mom were to close and slowly our relationship started to dwindle. We use to joke and laugh all the time with each other now me and her barely talk at all. She has even told me in the past his love "was conditional".
Your mother loves you. He is trying to isolate you from any forms of support you might currently have -- this is an abuse tactic. If you have no friends or family to turn to, you will be more trapped in the relationship simply by virtue of him being your "everything" socially. I experienced this sort of thing too and I'm still trying to regain the trust of my family of origin. I also have to make friends all over again after years of not having any... and at my age, it's terrifying. Isolation is not just bad for you, it hurts your mother too because she loses the close relationship she has with you. He has been trying to hurt your family by removing you from them. Now... I'm sure some people have explanations, like, oh he's insecure... he's jealous... he really wants to be loved the way your family loves you because he has no family... etc. For me, that's all the more reason to end things. His reasons are for him to deal with, not you; you don't have to be (and should not be) his shrink.
When I texted him about wanting to talk to him about our relationship and his drug use his first response was "*sigh* ok" the next text can quickly after saying "let me guess you told your mother?" I got kind of mad and all I could say was " I never tell her anything about my life anymore! I haven't for a long time!" he said "We haven't even been together for a "long time" this time but my bad!"
He's blaming the difficulties that his actions have caused your relationship on your family. He's also trivializing your concerns. None of this sounds like he's serious: "*sigh* ok" and "my bad!" It's all a joke to him. Addiction is not a joke. He thinks it is. Addiction can kill.
The thought of cutting ties with him still scares me. I hate the thought of being alone. I understand what you are saying about it. But for some reason I still feel hesitant to even try. I will be buying that book the next time I can. Still will be moving out on my own. just not with him. So all my money is being saved for that, But I love reading and i feel this book might help.
Please keep reading. Please keep browsing the SR forums. You don't have to post, but you do have to read the things that other people are experiencing here... because you will find similarities. No matter what you do, please do not capitulate and allow yourself to move in with him or him to move in with you. Even if he shows up one day and insists that he has no where to go. I know you are scared right now, but you'll be okay. Talk to your mother more! Does your mother hug? Go get some hugs.
I use to go the therapy often. The person i have been talking to since i was around 15 left the place I go about 2 years ago. She said she picked someone for me that i think i would like. She was nice and kind of helpful yet it wasn't the same. i have some problems with change as you can probably tell.
It might help to find a therapist you can talk to.
I try to always be decent to anyone and everyone. I don't usually raise my voice, have never been in a fist fight, and even he says I'm the nicest person he has ever been with and even might be nicest person he has ever met.
Of course! This is why my ex chose me. He also said that I was the nicest person he had ever met. He said I was kind, smart, generous, blah blah blah. I think he meant only two of those three things, because if he did think I was smart, he would not have thought he could lie and get away with it. When I got smart and went "no contact" on his ass, he was outraged -- that's how big is ego is. His big ego is going to keep him on the sinking death ship.
Do you remember the "Batman" movie with Michael Keaton? You might not... if you are young. Michelle Pfieffer (how do you spell her name?) is Cat Woman in it. Unfortunately... or fortunately I now have a Cat Woman catchphrase: life's a b*tch, now so am I. Maybe you can borrow this catchphrase.
That's okay. You're in love. "In love" goggles doesn't care about what your brain really knows. Don't ignore your uncomfortable feelings and your instinct and you'll be fine. I think a lot of us here have hoped for the "friends" option.
Before I met him I told my mom EVERYTHING about my life. Nothing was off limits with her and even though I agree I shouldn't tell her everything about my love life because its kind of weird. (though I did at first when I got in a relationship with him) slowly he made me feel like me and my mom were to close and slowly our relationship started to dwindle. We use to joke and laugh all the time with each other now me and her barely talk at all. She has even told me in the past his love "was conditional".
Your mother loves you. He is trying to isolate you from any forms of support you might currently have -- this is an abuse tactic. If you have no friends or family to turn to, you will be more trapped in the relationship simply by virtue of him being your "everything" socially. I experienced this sort of thing too and I'm still trying to regain the trust of my family of origin. I also have to make friends all over again after years of not having any... and at my age, it's terrifying. Isolation is not just bad for you, it hurts your mother too because she loses the close relationship she has with you. He has been trying to hurt your family by removing you from them. Now... I'm sure some people have explanations, like, oh he's insecure... he's jealous... he really wants to be loved the way your family loves you because he has no family... etc. For me, that's all the more reason to end things. His reasons are for him to deal with, not you; you don't have to be (and should not be) his shrink.
When I texted him about wanting to talk to him about our relationship and his drug use his first response was "*sigh* ok" the next text can quickly after saying "let me guess you told your mother?" I got kind of mad and all I could say was " I never tell her anything about my life anymore! I haven't for a long time!" he said "We haven't even been together for a "long time" this time but my bad!"
He's blaming the difficulties that his actions have caused your relationship on your family. He's also trivializing your concerns. None of this sounds like he's serious: "*sigh* ok" and "my bad!" It's all a joke to him. Addiction is not a joke. He thinks it is. Addiction can kill.
The thought of cutting ties with him still scares me. I hate the thought of being alone. I understand what you are saying about it. But for some reason I still feel hesitant to even try. I will be buying that book the next time I can. Still will be moving out on my own. just not with him. So all my money is being saved for that, But I love reading and i feel this book might help.
Please keep reading. Please keep browsing the SR forums. You don't have to post, but you do have to read the things that other people are experiencing here... because you will find similarities. No matter what you do, please do not capitulate and allow yourself to move in with him or him to move in with you. Even if he shows up one day and insists that he has no where to go. I know you are scared right now, but you'll be okay. Talk to your mother more! Does your mother hug? Go get some hugs.
I use to go the therapy often. The person i have been talking to since i was around 15 left the place I go about 2 years ago. She said she picked someone for me that i think i would like. She was nice and kind of helpful yet it wasn't the same. i have some problems with change as you can probably tell.
It might help to find a therapist you can talk to.
I try to always be decent to anyone and everyone. I don't usually raise my voice, have never been in a fist fight, and even he says I'm the nicest person he has ever been with and even might be nicest person he has ever met.
Of course! This is why my ex chose me. He also said that I was the nicest person he had ever met. He said I was kind, smart, generous, blah blah blah. I think he meant only two of those three things, because if he did think I was smart, he would not have thought he could lie and get away with it. When I got smart and went "no contact" on his ass, he was outraged -- that's how big is ego is. His big ego is going to keep him on the sinking death ship.
Do you remember the "Batman" movie with Michael Keaton? You might not... if you are young. Michelle Pfieffer (how do you spell her name?) is Cat Woman in it. Unfortunately... or fortunately I now have a Cat Woman catchphrase: life's a b*tch, now so am I. Maybe you can borrow this catchphrase.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 16
[QUOTE]Your mother loves you. He is trying to isolate you from any forms of support you might currently have -- this is an abuse tactic. If you have no friends or family to turn to, you will be more trapped in the relationship simply by virtue of him being your "everything" socially. I experienced this sort of thing too and I'm still trying to regain the trust of my family of origin. I also have to make friends all over again after years of not having any... and at my age, it's terrifying. Isolation is not just bad for you, it hurts your mother too because she loses the close relationship she has with you. He has been trying to hurt your family by removing you from them. Now... I'm sure some people have explanations, like, oh he's insecure... he's jealous... he really wants to be loved the way your family loves you because he has no family... etc. For me, that's all the more reason to end things. His reasons are for him to deal with, not you; you don't have to be (and should not be) his shrink.[QUOTE]
I never though of it by him trying to keep me away from everyone. He is always telling me to go out and meet new people and get some friends. I'm just not a very outgoing person and i can get nervous easily. I know my mother loves me and yes she does give hugs, but for some reason i feel our relationship is too different to change back. We mostly fight now and barely talk to each other even though we are always in the house together.
I will keep browsing SR. I have learned so much from everyone here so far. I know the more i learn the more i will understand what my real feeling are and how to help change them for the better. I will take your advice and not allow him to move in with me no matter what he says. I don't want to start my new life in my own place then loose it for someone who will probably never care if he messes things up.
I will try to find a new therapist that i feel like i can talk to and that will understand. I think i didn't like her because she was around my age. And my other one was an older woman so maybe i just don't like taking advice from someone my age? who knows.
I know he has a giant ego too. He once told me he thinks of himself as a genius in some ways. He is not dumb in any sense but genius? not really. I have seen the old batman movies (batman and batman returns) i don't remember much about the movies but that is one catchphrase i can live by! it is so true.
Thank you so much for all this advice and insite you and others have given me. You took time out of your day to help me out with this and made me feel like I wasn't making a huge mistake in letting him go and wanting my boundaries to be met is completely ok.
Is it wrong to find another guy like him? i mean i know not the drug use and emotional abuse and stuff, but the other parts about him i love so much, or is that weird?
I never though of it by him trying to keep me away from everyone. He is always telling me to go out and meet new people and get some friends. I'm just not a very outgoing person and i can get nervous easily. I know my mother loves me and yes she does give hugs, but for some reason i feel our relationship is too different to change back. We mostly fight now and barely talk to each other even though we are always in the house together.
I will keep browsing SR. I have learned so much from everyone here so far. I know the more i learn the more i will understand what my real feeling are and how to help change them for the better. I will take your advice and not allow him to move in with me no matter what he says. I don't want to start my new life in my own place then loose it for someone who will probably never care if he messes things up.
I will try to find a new therapist that i feel like i can talk to and that will understand. I think i didn't like her because she was around my age. And my other one was an older woman so maybe i just don't like taking advice from someone my age? who knows.
I know he has a giant ego too. He once told me he thinks of himself as a genius in some ways. He is not dumb in any sense but genius? not really. I have seen the old batman movies (batman and batman returns) i don't remember much about the movies but that is one catchphrase i can live by! it is so true.
Thank you so much for all this advice and insite you and others have given me. You took time out of your day to help me out with this and made me feel like I wasn't making a huge mistake in letting him go and wanting my boundaries to be met is completely ok.
Is it wrong to find another guy like him? i mean i know not the drug use and emotional abuse and stuff, but the other parts about him i love so much, or is that weird?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by NAbaby
Is it wrong to find another guy like him? i mean i know not the drug use and emotional abuse and stuff, but the other parts about him i love so much, or is that weird?
Your relationship with your mother will heal if you give it time and work on it. I think if you want another relationship right now, maybe you can try working on that one? You only get one mom, after all.
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I might have typed that wrong. I don't want another relationship right away. It will probably take a long time before i even think about dating again. I asked because his personality was everything i ever wanted in a guy.( even before meeting him)so in the future i don't know if its ok to get a guy like him or if that's weird. Sorry it was just a weird question that popped in my head.
I will start working on becoming my moms best friend again. I still feel like i cant tell her anything about whats going on with him right now because its not my place. We decided to tell people we broke up because of "differences of opinion". Which i think is stupid because he said he was a grown man and can do what ever he wants but wont tell anyone but me.
Plus my mom has some mental disability's that include paranoia and panic. If i said someone on coke spent days at a time at our house. every time something went missing or misplaced she would freak out and think it was stolen.
I will start working on becoming my moms best friend again. I still feel like i cant tell her anything about whats going on with him right now because its not my place. We decided to tell people we broke up because of "differences of opinion". Which i think is stupid because he said he was a grown man and can do what ever he wants but wont tell anyone but me.
Plus my mom has some mental disability's that include paranoia and panic. If i said someone on coke spent days at a time at our house. every time something went missing or misplaced she would freak out and think it was stolen.
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Originally Posted by NAbaby
I might have typed that wrong. I don't want another relationship right away. It will probably take a long time before i even think about dating again. I asked because his personality was everything i ever wanted in a guy.( even before meeting him)so in the future i don't know if its ok to get a guy like him or if that's weird. Sorry it was just a weird question that popped in my head.
I will start working on becoming my moms best friend again. I still feel like i cant tell her anything about whats going on with him right now because its not my place. We decided to tell people we broke up because of "differences of opinion". Which i think is stupid because he said he was a grown man and can do what ever he wants but wont tell anyone but me.
Plus my mom has some mental disability's that include paranoia and panic. If i said someone on coke spent days at a time at our house. every time something went missing or misplaced she would freak out and think it was stolen.
I will start working on becoming my moms best friend again. I still feel like i cant tell her anything about whats going on with him right now because its not my place. We decided to tell people we broke up because of "differences of opinion". Which i think is stupid because he said he was a grown man and can do what ever he wants but wont tell anyone but me.
Plus my mom has some mental disability's that include paranoia and panic. If i said someone on coke spent days at a time at our house. every time something went missing or misplaced she would freak out and think it was stolen.
That is so out of line.
As for him having some of the qualities you foresaw that you would want in a partner, what were/are those qualities, if you don't mind me asking. I don't think your question is weird btw.
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really? i just agreed because i thought it really wasn't anyone els's business to know. He is going to do him so if it isn't effecting me in anyway i would just let it be his problem. plus she has the number to his mother. The situation stresses me out.
what i saw in him was kindness, honesty, integrity, He would come if i ever needed him or if something bad happened. Like when he spent his day off taking care of me after my first car accident. i look for a guy who can make me laugh, and isn't afraid of acting weird spontaneously. even if its in public and everyone can see. i want someone who will love even the parts of me i hate. I think i should stop thinking about quality's. i'm about to cry. >.<
what i saw in him was kindness, honesty, integrity, He would come if i ever needed him or if something bad happened. Like when he spent his day off taking care of me after my first car accident. i look for a guy who can make me laugh, and isn't afraid of acting weird spontaneously. even if its in public and everyone can see. i want someone who will love even the parts of me i hate. I think i should stop thinking about quality's. i'm about to cry. >.<
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Definitely controlling. Really quite scary, because this benefits him and harms you- but he's got you believing it's a decision you came to mutually. You NEED to talk about this. That's not to say you should be posting about it on your Facebook wall (definitely don't do that), but you really need to talk about this with those close to you AND those who've been in your shoes (get thee to a meeting, stat!)
I know what you mean about his personality being everything you wanted. My ex was that way, and it's been really difficult for me to accept that it's very possible no other man will "get me" the way he did (I put that in quotes for a reason). He was hilarious- he made me laugh like no one ever could. And on the outside he was my biggest cheerleader. But the truth was he was slowly and intentionally destroying me. Like your ex, he'd make me believe what was best for him was best for us- like using my inheritance to pay off all his debt (while he went behind my back, stealing my identity and racking up more), or going along with all of his lies to the VA in order for him to collect more benefits. It was all for "us", or so he made me believe.
Sometimes I wonder if "clicking" perfectly with someone from the start is a red flag. Healthy people have apprehensions when they start dating. They're not all-in from the get-go. That's love-bombing. That's manipulation.
I'm letting go of the fairy tale. I'd rather have someone who slightly irritates me once in a while, or is a bad joke teller, than someone who jeopardizes my future.
I know what you mean about his personality being everything you wanted. My ex was that way, and it's been really difficult for me to accept that it's very possible no other man will "get me" the way he did (I put that in quotes for a reason). He was hilarious- he made me laugh like no one ever could. And on the outside he was my biggest cheerleader. But the truth was he was slowly and intentionally destroying me. Like your ex, he'd make me believe what was best for him was best for us- like using my inheritance to pay off all his debt (while he went behind my back, stealing my identity and racking up more), or going along with all of his lies to the VA in order for him to collect more benefits. It was all for "us", or so he made me believe.
Sometimes I wonder if "clicking" perfectly with someone from the start is a red flag. Healthy people have apprehensions when they start dating. They're not all-in from the get-go. That's love-bombing. That's manipulation.
I'm letting go of the fairy tale. I'd rather have someone who slightly irritates me once in a while, or is a bad joke teller, than someone who jeopardizes my future.
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I have been talking to my cousin about it. we are 5 days apart so we have always been really close. she is the only one who knows. Her boyfriends DOC was coke also, but he quit for her. (his job requires random drug tests and he has been working there for years and has never been dirty.) She also gave me pep talks after the break up.
I'm thinking about going to codependents anonymous. Talking in front of people scares me a bit though. maybe i can just listen?
He is the exact same way. It was as if we could read eachothers minds we were so connected.
i can see your point about the whole "perfect fit" kind of relationship. Its almost to good to be true and we know how the saying goes. " if its to good to be true. it probably is". Yet you have to admit the thought of it is mesmerizing, yet i think that's part of the danger.
I have to admit i feel like a hypocrite. I'm saying all this stuff. yet i'm still texting him and i'm even visiting at his work later today. just so i can see him in a cowboy hat. -_-;
He did send me a text saying its hard for him not to kiss me. I told him " to be honest i don't have the urge to kiss you anymore" i think I broke him a little but its the truth and i didn't want to lie to him.
I know he is bad for me but i really am trying to get over the difficult feelings i have with him. The friendship we had before the relationship is what i want back the most. I don't care about a relationship.
I'm thinking about going to codependents anonymous. Talking in front of people scares me a bit though. maybe i can just listen?
He is the exact same way. It was as if we could read eachothers minds we were so connected.
i can see your point about the whole "perfect fit" kind of relationship. Its almost to good to be true and we know how the saying goes. " if its to good to be true. it probably is". Yet you have to admit the thought of it is mesmerizing, yet i think that's part of the danger.
I have to admit i feel like a hypocrite. I'm saying all this stuff. yet i'm still texting him and i'm even visiting at his work later today. just so i can see him in a cowboy hat. -_-;
He did send me a text saying its hard for him not to kiss me. I told him " to be honest i don't have the urge to kiss you anymore" i think I broke him a little but its the truth and i didn't want to lie to him.
I know he is bad for me but i really am trying to get over the difficult feelings i have with him. The friendship we had before the relationship is what i want back the most. I don't care about a relationship.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Not sure if this will help if I say this: a friendship is still a type of relationship. I think you can either love someone or not. You can love your best friend and you can love your boyfriend. Both of those people get your love. It's better if both of them deserve it.
Have you written a pros and cons list? Write a list of the pros and cons of having him in your life.
"He did send me a text saying its hard for him not to kiss me."
To me, this sounds like he's trying to strong-arm you into an all-or-nothing situation. It could also be the coke talking. In any case, if you want to be his friend, you are opting to be friends with someone who uses coke. It won't stop him from trying to hit you up for money... you can still be a resource to him and that can have tragic consequences.
Have you written a pros and cons list? Write a list of the pros and cons of having him in your life.
"He did send me a text saying its hard for him not to kiss me."
To me, this sounds like he's trying to strong-arm you into an all-or-nothing situation. It could also be the coke talking. In any case, if you want to be his friend, you are opting to be friends with someone who uses coke. It won't stop him from trying to hit you up for money... you can still be a resource to him and that can have tragic consequences.
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