lextaylor

So I met a guy months ago who took to many Xanax and Adderall together, overdosed and ended up at the hospital. He told me he was going through a lot of stuff with paying bills and his family and he wasn’t thinking, ended up taking them and realized he needed to get help. We ended up becoming really good friends and a few weeks after he was released from the hospital we decided to hang out. The first time we hung out things went great he kissed me, held me, we joked and laughed had a great time. We both were attracted to each other so I was okay with possibly taking it a step further but wanted to make sure that was what he wanted. Well the next week we hung out at his place, again had a great time things got a little heated but he was a complete gentleman about it and I knew he wasn’t in it just for sex (we didn’t have sex). That morning I woke up we were good we talked, I got ready to leave and he kissed me a few times told me to text when I got to work and that was that. Well about 4 days after that day he stopped texting and replying to my messages. I didn’t think anything of it, was like if he wants to talk he’ll text me whatever. Well a few days ago I had something going on and he basically told me he was worried about me, etc. and I asked him how he was doing and he was like I’m just trying to deal with my stuff, it’s hard and I made it a point to say I’m here for you always and if you ever need someone to talk to I’m here and he goes you don’t understand how much I appreciate you for saying that...... now it’s radio silence again on his end. What am I doing wrong? Did I read the signs wrong or what? Is this just how people who have addictions are?. I know someone’s going to say it’s a good thing it ended before it really started bc addicts are bad news but I think when you truly care for someone you can’t just give up on them. He’s been taking medication for this “addiction” and it seemed to be helping but now I’m just like is it pointless to worry about someone who doesn’t care at all?

Maudcat

Hi, lextaylor.
Welcome.
Well, setting the addiction/recovery aside , it sounds like many a new relationship.
Fun, full of promise, seems like this is going to be good.
Then, thud.
Nothing.
It happens.
Could be the addiction rearing its head, could be he is an inconsiderate person.
Could be both.
I wouldn’t beat myself up about it, but I would probably move on.
He doesn’t sound like particularly good relationship material, despite the early good vibe.

Ann

Maudcat said, so well, what I was thinking.

In spite of the attraction, this has red flags all over it, and I am sorry to say but dealing with addiction is something way bigger than you can imagine.

Take the lesson and maybe take a giant step back while you think about whether you want to live like this, or have a relationship where you are always trying to figure him out.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

There's something to be said for the chemical rush addicts feel when they start up something romantic with a new person. It's very intoxicating. But as with anything else, that buzz wears off, and once it does, you start to see the real person. That's often not a pretty sight.

Addicts operate at a deficit. For short bursts, they can go through the motions of being a romantic partner. But they can't sustain it, and that's because they're too busy feeding their addiction. It's a choice between their addiction and everything else, the former wins. They are inherently incapable of being a responsible partner in a romantic relationship.

I imagine what I've written resonates with you a bit. Don't get too down on yourself. You've come to a place where all of us, to one degree or another, have been taken for a ride by an addict. The question you have to answer is: what do you do now. And if you read enough stories here, you'll soon answer that question.

Sorry you've had to find us, but we're happy you're here.

atalose

Nor can you force them to have a relationship with you all because you care. He’s showing you through his actions what he is all about. BELIEVE HIM and BELIEVE WHO he is showing you that he is.

Addicts are known to switch their drug of choice, Xanax and Adderall one day, opiates another. And all of their drugs are “medication” to them, and it sounds nicer. Addicts use people, addicts lie to people, addicts manipulate people and most importantly addicts can reduce people to nothing more than resources, money, rides, sex, food, shelter, etc.

It’s ok to worry about people we care about but when that worry becomes an obsession it’s no longer about the people we are worried about, it becomes all about us and our own issues.

hopeful4

I am going to give a really honest answer, and it's going to sound mean.

They use you up for all you have, then move on to the next person. Addicts can love, but their first love is the addiction. Therefore, everything else is second. They will do whatever they need to do to fuel that addiction, including using those they love.

They disappear, their moral compass is completely gone.

You can love an addict, but for most, it's best to love them from afar because trying to have a relationship w/them is so toxic it will drag you down the rabbit hole w/them if you allow it.

Hechosedrugs

The "why's" used to really eat me up inside. I've since had to accept that there are a lot of answers I'm just never going to get. I'll never understand why he did the things he did, but I'm beginning to make sense of why I allowed him to.

teatreeoil007

It’s ok to worry about people we care about but when that worry becomes an obsession it’s no longer about the people we are worried about, it becomes all about us and our own issues.-Atalose

Atalose said it way better than I can even think it...haha...well anyways...lots of good advice here.

Yes, we worry about people because we care, plain and simple. Addicts can care too...and they can APPRECIATE our care...but remember what they care for more: Their addiction(s)...usually plural...not just one. Remember that. Most do have a drug of choice...but they will use whatever they can to sustain their addiction...as zoso said...they are not as good at sustaining a satisfying relationship....because their gearing to their addiction being their primary sustenance.

Yes, they can have relationships. But in active addiction you will end up at a deficit.

I realized many years ago....life is just too short to be "wondering" all the time about whether or not someone does or doesn't call you or text you back...go about your life....do what brings you joy....fulfill your dreams and don't depend on anyone else to do that.

FireSprite

^This is the bigger question to me most of the time, lately.

Why do we stay?

OpheliaKatz

For me, it was because of: FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), gas-lighting, identifying with the addict (co-dependence), ignorance... and trauma bonding.

• Fear of being alone.
• Fear that the addict will die if we are not around to pick up the pieces -- seeing the addict OD repeatedly reinforces that fear.
• Fear of being shamed -- fear that the situation will become public.
• Feeling obligated to stay because of marriage.
• Feeling guilty for not being wife-y enough (not enough hot dinners, not enough clean floors, not enough whatevers).
• Feeling guilty for wanting to leave a relationship where someone was so obviously "sick".
• Being ignorant of addiction being a "family disease"... and reading all the wrong articles about how to "cure" it ("addiction is best cured by love and understanding"...etc.)
• Being gas-lighted repeatedly by the addict: "but I'm really not using that particular drug"... etc.
• Identification: thinking "if I were sick, I would want my partner to stick by me until I got better."
• Trauma bonding: being addicted to the "good times" because they were so few and regular life was a nightmare.

Etc... .

Best reasons to leave: health and sanity.... and cause I didn't want to end up living on the streets.