jay123

I’ve been reading the threads for the last few weeks and never thought I’d post anything. Reading really helps, but tonight is different even though my story is much the same as everyone else’s. My abf gave up crack for meth about 2 years ago. He considered it a “win” because at least he didn’t steal from me to buy it. Sick I know. Not quite a year ago he made contact with a woman meth dealer. She liked having him around and he liked meth so she gave it to him in exchange for him and others as well in exchange for working on her house. He hasn’t worked in 2 years so he had no money to buy it. He was already struggling and over this last year it’s been awful. The same story disappearing and I’d show up at the dope house and drag him out of there. He’d come home and we’d fight and the cycle would begin again. Finally actually a month ago today he left and hasn’t been back and stayed overnight except for one night. He came over Sunday night and he was high. I had gone out to get him cigarettes and there were cops everywhere, so I told him just stay here so he didn’t get pulled over. Today they were arrested together both on meth possession and with intent to distribute and also paraphernalia charges. No bond. I like so many others have begged and pleaded and tried making deals with God and anything else I could think of to help him. I am completely devastated. He has been coming to see me regularly and was coming over to see me last night and I told him not to. The last text I sent him was you don’t want this life (meaning a life without drugs), you want that life so stay over there where you’re happy. I know he wasn’t happy because he recently told me it was no longer fun and he knew he needed to stop and wanted to come home. I know none of this is my fault, but I feel terrible about that text. I know he knows I love him. I know he loves me the best he knows how in the state he is in with this meth addiction. I’m probably not even making any sense. We’ve been together 4 years. I knew nothing about drugs-now I even know what a “plug” is. What an education. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette. I thought he was cheating on me when he began disappearing- I was clueless. I don’t know what else to say. I’m glad he’s not dead, because I knew it was going to kill him or he was going to go to jail if he didn’t quit. Sorry. I know I’m rambling. Thanks for listening.

Maudcat

Hi, jay.
Welcome. Breathe.
Meth is a really bad drug and you would be wise to keep some distance between you and the SO for a time, lest you get pulled into the unfolding mess.
Good luck.

Ann

This is exactly how my turning point happened. I had driven an hour to the city where my son was living, knowing he was at a crack house, and I pounded on the door, threatening to kick it down if he didn't come out. (I am the least violent person you could know, I was out of control...like he was with drugs). He came out, I stayed on his sofa that night and when I left to come home in the morning, he left to go back to the crack house.

Somehow we get drawn into the insanity. Insanity becomes a way of life for us. Normal mothers don't drive an hour to a crack house and threaten to kick it down if their son doesn't come out.

Now this is important to think about....not only does this dysfunction become a way of life for us, it becomes what WE are comfortable with. We know what to expect and we know how to deal with it, and that, my dear, is just crazy.

For me, I had my meltdown and then knew that I had "enough". I found meetings and made a deal with myself to attend regularly and that if I didn't like them, I would continue until I had something else in place for my own recovery. I got lucky, from my very first meeting I knew I was in the right place and I have never looked back.

Meetings, coming to SR, reading some very helpful books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, all helped me find my balance again and a healthier way to live.

You are wise to step back from all this. You would be wise to put some recovery plan in place for yourself too.

I am sorry for what brought you here but glad you found us. Welcome.

jay123

You’re right. It’s so not normal behavior to go banging on the door of a house where you know there are drugs and people getting high. This has made me crazy. I have been better this last month and of course I have no choice but to stay away now that he is in jail. I don’t think I’ve ever been through anything as difficult as this. My mother has told me how weak I am because I keep letting him back in but I don’t think anyone can understand what this is like unless you’ve been through it. Thanks for listening.

jay123

Thank you for listening. It’s a horrible drug. And you’re right I have to keep my distance. He is going to be in jail for a long time I’m afraid.

Maudcat

Time and distance will bring clarity.
Peace.

Gm0824

Hi Jay, I agree with the wise words of Maud and Ann, time and distance will help you with clarity. A great time to work on yourself, Ann's recommendation of the book Codependent No More really helped me in my own recovery. Do you have any boundaries in place for when he attempts to contact you from jail? Pretty confident he will, better to have your plan in place before hand. Hugs

GM

jay123

I haven’t even thought about boundaries from jail. I think even though I knew this could happen I’m just in shock. He will most likely never come home again as a third time offender. Now I’m getting the text messages from people making sure I know. It’s just too much. I can barely sit through work without breaking down. I will have to check out that book. I know I need help myself. Thank you all for your kind comments.

AnvilheadII

also, safety announcement here....if you have been involved sexually with a meth/crack head who comes and goes and is involved with other women, it is in your best interests to go get tested STAT.

Spence7471

My wife was addicted to crack and towards the end, meth. Both are terrible drugs, but meth seems to be on a different level all together. Hopefully your abf will realize his problem and start seeking treatment. However, that is on him.

Work on yourself by setting goals for you that do not involve him since he may not be in the picture for awhile. Also, as mentioned, start thinking about how you will deal with him when he calls from jail (both to ask for help and sympathy). Suggest you start talking to a therapist to understand how addicts manipulate and use others for their benefit so you can further protect yourself. Knowledge is a very powerful tool against and addict...

Best wishes.

jay123

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate you taking the time to respond and offer advice. I had been seeing a therapist twice a week but had to stop because I changed jobs and insurance doesn’t kick in until early May, but that was a huge help. I need to check in to the Al Anon groups in my area. There aren’t any of the Nar Anon. Thanks again. I’ll get through this just going to take some time. It didn’t get this bad overnight and won’t magically get better overnight either. Thank you all again for the great advice.

Gm0824

Be easy on yourself in these early days, Jay. You cared about this person and have been through alot. I know they say people they leave when the pain of staying out weighs the fear of leaving. With his arrest, you are grieving the loss of your relationship at an accelerated pace. By the time I left my qualifier, I had cried my last tear months earlier. I do not know what your beliefs are but on some level I feel him being arrested and removed from the chaos of your daily life with him was a blessing for you, for your own healing and self reflection. Al anon has been a great help to me, I would say more than half of my home groups qualifiers are addicts since there is not a nar-anon group in my area either.

jay123

Thank you for your kind words. You’re right. I have been separating myself from him slowly and then he goes to jail and I feel like I’m having some type of withdrawals. Tonight he had a bail bondsman call me but there is nothing I can do. My hands are tied. I can’t get him out of this. I don’t have the money to pay the bond it’s huge over $80000. I told her I don’t have $8000 to put up for him. Besides he’d go right back to meth if he got out. I also think that God has had a huge part in this, I have prayed and prayed for His help. We both have faith in God and strong beliefs-maybe it sounds strange for an addict to have a strong faith but he does. I’m trying to read as much as I can and get to some meetings so I can step back and heal.

Gm0824

For me, when mine got in trouble it helped me to think even if I had the (insert insane amount of money for whatever trouble he got into here) just laying around to get to a place in my brain that understood that it's not that I couldn't get him out of this, or that I didn't have it to put up for him ... rather, that I would not. Because it was not healthy for me. The more I learned about my co-dependent behavior I realized that bailing him out of facing HIS consequences was not helping him or me. We cannot do for someone else what they are capable and should be doing for themselves. I am wishing you strength and clarity during the coming days.

golfreggie

And he is demonstrating his faith in----meth. That is where his actions are, and we act according to our faith. Just a thought. I was a Christian, and still drank. It finally hit me that God gave me tools to use to get help (sober) but it was up to me to exercise my "faith" by using the tools He provided. Make sense? Best wishes, many folks have offered up great comments here. And like most good ideas, they need action for them to come to pass. God Bless

Sissyfuss

Some experts say that a codependent is one who is addicted an addict. That was certainly true in my case. Your love for someone combined with your own peccadilloes and weak spots make it all but impossible to avoid in engaging in self-destructive behavior along side your loved one. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. Study on addiction and codependency for knowledge is power and you need your power back. I no longer allow myself to be manipulated and lied to by my addict. It wasn't helping her either. Good wishes to you and yours.