Is there hope?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Brooklynd77 
Thank you for your insight into your past. I know it’s probaby not easy to delve back into the past, but it has helped me understand a little more.
actually one of the blessing of recovery through the steps of AA is being able to look at my past-something i tried for years to stuff and make go away- i tried to drink it away. many times adding more crap to my past i wanted to forget about.
i used it to learn how i was who i was and who i wanted to become. my past no longer haunts me and is a very valuable posession i have.
theres hope for you,brooklyn.theres hope for ALL alkies,too.
which my hope is ya listen to what these awesome people are typing and work on you,who happens to be the most important person in your life.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Is there hope? Do you mean for yourself, for him, for both of you? I always say there's hope. But you are the only one to determine if it's worth staying in this relationship or not. It can really take it's toll, even after they enter recovery. Just keep that in mind.
He is in early recovery and his brain is likely a bit of a scramble right now, even if he's clean. He's in process of healing and rewiring his brain and since the brain is such a powerhouse in our lives that's going to affect a lot including communication with you. It's likely very true he doesn't want to get into the past too much right now. It might be more than he is ready to address. My question for you is are you up for waiting for him to come around to it. Amends are a big part of healing from past drug abuse and the things they did to others.
While all this is occuring, try to focus on yourself as much as possible and do what's best and right for you. It seems to me that whatever happens in life it circles back around to focusing on yourself and making you the best you you can. Explore more the things that bring you joy and satisfaction and peace. That's my best advice.
He is in early recovery and his brain is likely a bit of a scramble right now, even if he's clean. He's in process of healing and rewiring his brain and since the brain is such a powerhouse in our lives that's going to affect a lot including communication with you. It's likely very true he doesn't want to get into the past too much right now. It might be more than he is ready to address. My question for you is are you up for waiting for him to come around to it. Amends are a big part of healing from past drug abuse and the things they did to others.
While all this is occuring, try to focus on yourself as much as possible and do what's best and right for you. It seems to me that whatever happens in life it circles back around to focusing on yourself and making you the best you you can. Explore more the things that bring you joy and satisfaction and peace. That's my best advice.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by tomsteve
youre welcome.
actually one of the blessing of recovery through the steps of AA is being able to look at my past-something i tried for years to stuff and make go away- i tried to drink it away. many times adding more crap to my past i wanted to forget about.
i used it to learn how i was who i was and who i wanted to become. my past no longer haunts me and is a very valuable posession i have.
theres hope for you,brooklyn.theres hope for ALL alkies,too.
which my hope is ya listen to what these awesome people are typing and work on you,who happens to be the most important person in your life.
actually one of the blessing of recovery through the steps of AA is being able to look at my past-something i tried for years to stuff and make go away- i tried to drink it away. many times adding more crap to my past i wanted to forget about.
i used it to learn how i was who i was and who i wanted to become. my past no longer haunts me and is a very valuable posession i have.
theres hope for you,brooklyn.theres hope for ALL alkies,too.
which my hope is ya listen to what these awesome people are typing and work on you,who happens to be the most important person in your life.
That’s the best place to be, to be able to take all the bad that’s happened in your life and use it for good, to better yourself and use it as a touchstone. I appreciate every single piece of advice I’ve gotten. It’s helped more than I can express. Best of luck to you. 😊
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I am not a fan of the whole of AA/NA/CA/CMA etc, but working the 4th Step has been hugely valuable to me. It's really not about the why of drinking, it's more about the why our lives don't work, including addiction, and our part in what we've been pushing off onto the world and others.
Your partner is probably not there yet.
Early recovery to me felt like that moment when you're bodysurfing, you get caught in a wave and get tumbled around under the surface and aren't sure which way is up. I was a complete emotional wreck once the pink cloud wore off and I got out of rehab...I really needed to isolate with my dog for a few weeks and GRADUALLY go out into the world again. I'm sure if I'd been in a relationship then I would have appeared cold and detached. I was fighting for my survival and getting out of that wave. If I were in a relationship...well, to quote Mr. T, I pity the fool...
I'm still a baby, coming up on 11 months. I'm starting to become emotionally available to people in ways that I never have been in my entire life. There is a huge truth to emotional development being stunted when addiction starts. Like your partner, I was a multiple substance abuser and started smoking weed addictively when I was 12. I also had issues with being a gay teen in the '70s and not having the normal adjustment process to dating and relationships...but that's another story, and to be perfectly honest, I think that drug and alcohol abuse took a greater toll than the closet, as bad as that was.
Please take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. It's kinda out of your hands at the moment, the only real help you can give to someone getting sober at this early stage is to be there and let them know that they are loved. He needs the company of other addicts. They understand the mutual pain and can pull each other up by their bootstraps...it's a lot of work, and to someone that hasn't been through it, more difficult to imagine than you think.
I came out the other side a much more loving, caring, compassionate (and dare I say sexy) man, and this may also happen to him. It started with outpatient rehab about 4 months out, and has continued to improve...9 months was a turning point. He could well end up there.
Or he could relapse, or need to be alone for awhile, or the relationship might not work when he's not addicted, or or or. It's nearly impossible to tell. I know it's easier said than done, but try to suspend expectations and disbelief and roll with whatever comes your way. The situation will be what it will be, trying to control it won't work and will make you crazy, anxious and possibly depressed and sad in the meantime.
Best of luck, and keep coming back. We are here for you.
Your partner is probably not there yet.
Early recovery to me felt like that moment when you're bodysurfing, you get caught in a wave and get tumbled around under the surface and aren't sure which way is up. I was a complete emotional wreck once the pink cloud wore off and I got out of rehab...I really needed to isolate with my dog for a few weeks and GRADUALLY go out into the world again. I'm sure if I'd been in a relationship then I would have appeared cold and detached. I was fighting for my survival and getting out of that wave. If I were in a relationship...well, to quote Mr. T, I pity the fool...
I'm still a baby, coming up on 11 months. I'm starting to become emotionally available to people in ways that I never have been in my entire life. There is a huge truth to emotional development being stunted when addiction starts. Like your partner, I was a multiple substance abuser and started smoking weed addictively when I was 12. I also had issues with being a gay teen in the '70s and not having the normal adjustment process to dating and relationships...but that's another story, and to be perfectly honest, I think that drug and alcohol abuse took a greater toll than the closet, as bad as that was.
Please take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. It's kinda out of your hands at the moment, the only real help you can give to someone getting sober at this early stage is to be there and let them know that they are loved. He needs the company of other addicts. They understand the mutual pain and can pull each other up by their bootstraps...it's a lot of work, and to someone that hasn't been through it, more difficult to imagine than you think.
I came out the other side a much more loving, caring, compassionate (and dare I say sexy) man, and this may also happen to him. It started with outpatient rehab about 4 months out, and has continued to improve...9 months was a turning point. He could well end up there.
Or he could relapse, or need to be alone for awhile, or the relationship might not work when he's not addicted, or or or. It's nearly impossible to tell. I know it's easier said than done, but try to suspend expectations and disbelief and roll with whatever comes your way. The situation will be what it will be, trying to control it won't work and will make you crazy, anxious and possibly depressed and sad in the meantime.
Best of luck, and keep coming back. We are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by MindfulMan
I am not a fan of the whole of AA/NA/CA/CMA etc, but working the 4th Step has been hugely valuable to me. It's really not about the why of drinking, it's more about the why our lives don't work, including addiction, and our part in what we've been pushing off onto the world and others.
Your partner is probably not there yet.
Early recovery to me felt like that moment when you're bodysurfing, you get caught in a wave and get tumbled around under the surface and aren't sure which way is up. I was a complete emotional wreck once the pink cloud wore off and I got out of rehab...I really needed to isolate with my dog for a few weeks and GRADUALLY go out into the world again. I'm sure if I'd been in a relationship then I would have appeared cold and detached. I was fighting for my survival and getting out of that wave. If I were in a relationship...well, to quote Mr. T, I pity the fool...
I'm still a baby, coming up on 11 months. I'm starting to become emotionally available to people in ways that I never have been in my entire life. There is a huge truth to emotional development being stunted when addiction starts. Like your partner, I was a multiple substance abuser and started smoking weed addictively when I was 12. I also had issues with being a gay teen in the '70s and not having the normal adjustment process to dating and relationships...but that's another story, and to be perfectly honest, I think that drug and alcohol abuse took a greater toll than the closet, as bad as that was.
Please take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. It's kinda out of your hands at the moment, the only real help you can give to someone getting sober at this early stage is to be there and let them know that they are loved. He needs the company of other addicts. They understand the mutual pain and can pull each other up by their bootstraps...it's a lot of work, and to someone that hasn't been through it, more difficult to imagine than you think.
I came out the other side a much more loving, caring, compassionate (and dare I say sexy) man, and this may also happen to him. It started with outpatient rehab about 4 months out, and has continued to improve...9 months was a turning point. He could well end up there.
Or he could relapse, or need to be alone for awhile, or the relationship might not work when he's not addicted, or or or. It's nearly impossible to tell. I know it's easier said than done, but try to suspend expectations and disbelief and roll with whatever comes your way. The situation will be what it will be, trying to control it won't work and will make you crazy, anxious and possibly depressed and sad in the meantime.
Best of luck, and keep coming back. We are here for you.
Your partner is probably not there yet.
Early recovery to me felt like that moment when you're bodysurfing, you get caught in a wave and get tumbled around under the surface and aren't sure which way is up. I was a complete emotional wreck once the pink cloud wore off and I got out of rehab...I really needed to isolate with my dog for a few weeks and GRADUALLY go out into the world again. I'm sure if I'd been in a relationship then I would have appeared cold and detached. I was fighting for my survival and getting out of that wave. If I were in a relationship...well, to quote Mr. T, I pity the fool...
I'm still a baby, coming up on 11 months. I'm starting to become emotionally available to people in ways that I never have been in my entire life. There is a huge truth to emotional development being stunted when addiction starts. Like your partner, I was a multiple substance abuser and started smoking weed addictively when I was 12. I also had issues with being a gay teen in the '70s and not having the normal adjustment process to dating and relationships...but that's another story, and to be perfectly honest, I think that drug and alcohol abuse took a greater toll than the closet, as bad as that was.
Please take care of yourself and let him take care of himself. It's kinda out of your hands at the moment, the only real help you can give to someone getting sober at this early stage is to be there and let them know that they are loved. He needs the company of other addicts. They understand the mutual pain and can pull each other up by their bootstraps...it's a lot of work, and to someone that hasn't been through it, more difficult to imagine than you think.
I came out the other side a much more loving, caring, compassionate (and dare I say sexy) man, and this may also happen to him. It started with outpatient rehab about 4 months out, and has continued to improve...9 months was a turning point. He could well end up there.
Or he could relapse, or need to be alone for awhile, or the relationship might not work when he's not addicted, or or or. It's nearly impossible to tell. I know it's easier said than done, but try to suspend expectations and disbelief and roll with whatever comes your way. The situation will be what it will be, trying to control it won't work and will make you crazy, anxious and possibly depressed and sad in the meantime.
Best of luck, and keep coming back. We are here for you.
As of right now, we are taking a break and as much as it hurts and feels like I’m the problem, I know this break will be good for both of us. A huge concern I’ve had is he doesn’t have any outpatient help, as you’ve had, counseling or life coaching. Though he is in sober living with other recovering addicts, I worry that his emotional withdrawing will lead him back down the wrong path. But, I’m also aware that I’m not the easiest person to talk to when dealing with the hurt I’m still sitting through - so I could be the cause of his withdrawing.
You’re absolutely right that I have to just let him be and do his recovery his way and try not to control.
This time will be good for me to try to sort through my pain and emotional triggers and just get back to me. I think I also have regret with not showing him enough love and support, though I tried, the suspicions and pain always came bubbling back up. But, these things will work it itself out with time.
Thank you once again for sharing your story, it made a huge impact, and truly I feel I understand more about what he’s currently going through with his recovery process.
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