Pay attention - learning from a recovering addict
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Pay attention - learning from a recovering addict
I just got home from the Dollar Store, not so remarkable. What is remarkable was that I was trolling the Dollar Store for toiletries to make up some new "homeless bags".
What is a homeless bag? First some back story.........
My recovering addict daughter (almost 2 years!), K, has sharply raised my awareness of the homeless that surround us all. In her recovery, she has sometimes been short of money - not because she has blown it on drugs, just because she is dependent largely on tips as a server, if business is lousy, so are her tips.
K, has never been homeless, but the possibility has been very real in the not too distant past. As a result, she has a special empathy for the homeless and has sort of adopted a fellow named Bernard. Bernard lives in a tent on a highway right of way and hangs about at a Starbucks where my daughter buys him a sandwich every day. Bernard is a Vietnam vet, I do not know his story other than he is homeless.
Even as a young child, K was always very empathetic toward those less fortunate than herself, this became even more sharply pronounced after a trip in her teens to Guatemala where she saw life threatening poverty first hand.
K has told me that sometimes even if she is really broke, she still feeds Bernard, because " I ate last night, I'll be OK, I am going to work and will have some money later on today."
As a result of her devotion, DW and I have become active in our church's homeless ministries. At least part of this is due to our knowing "There but for the grace of God goes my daughter."
There is a fellow in our small city, Bill, a Jesuit priest, who is considered by all as the guru of homelessness in Wilmington. He knows all of the homeless population, their stories and their weaknesses. BIll loves them all unconditionally.
Bill knows my daughter's story even though he has never met her and she lives a thousand miles away. He cheers her successes, mourns her stumbles, but never gives up hope.
I told Bill that I could no longer pass the homeless with their cardboard signs pleading for help - especially the younger women - "There but for the grace of God......", I had to do something. Bill told me in no uncertain terms - NEVER give them money unless I just wanted to help supply their drug of choice for today - alcohol, heroin, crack, meth, pills, etc.
Bill said to feed them, if feasible (this is what K does) or give them useful items which do not have a lot of street value. Toiletries were suggested. Our city has several "homeless day centers" where the homeless can go during the day and aside from escaping the weather, do laundry, take a shower, use a computer to hunt for jobs, etc.
Thus the homeless bag was born! A gallon ZipLock bag which contains, bar soap, shampoo, toothbrush and paste, deodorant, waterless hand sanitizer, a comb, disposable razors, moist towelettes, Chapstick, tissues and a few other items along with a information card which tells them how to reach Bill and lists the services which his ministry provides and a "Survival Guide" information sheet which lists some places which provide food. These are all items which are low on a homeless person's priority list when it comes to spending their meager amounts of money, but they are greatly appreciated.
We carry these bags in our cars and pass them out of the window to the homeless.
Some cynical folks have asked us, "How many get thrown back at you?" The answer is none so far. The bags have always been received graciously with profound thanks and always followed by "God bless you!"
Had our daughter chosen a different path a few years back, we would probably never have gotten involved with this ministry and certainly would not be concerned when our homeless bag supply was getting low! Of course, we would not be concerned, because we would not even have a concept of a homeless bag.
So, no matter how bad it gets between you and your addict, keep your eyes open - they may have something profound to teach you.
I don' t know if I have ever posted this insightful short essay here, but it speaks volumes on the subject of judging others.
ADDICTION CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE" by Sandy Swenson
"Before my son was an addict, he was a child.
My child.
But he could have been anyone's child. He could have been - or might yet be - yours.
Until the troubles started, I never thought my child would become an addict. It never crossed my mind.
Until one day it did.
Before my son was an addict, he liked to fish and camp; he was an Eagle Scout and a rescue diver; he built a playground for orphans in India, he wanted to be a marine biologist, and he was awarded scholarships from several colleges.
He also sometimes lied and said things that were mean and sulked and was crabby; in other words, Joey was perfectly normal.
There's a widely held belief that addicts are bad people, but the truth is, addiction is not an issue for moral judgment. Addiction has nothing whatsoever to do with whether a person is nice, or the quality of their character, or the strength of their will.
Addiction is a disease. Scientific research has proven this; the addicted brain exhibits measurable changes - this is fact. And, most addiction begins in adolescence, strongly enticed by popular culture.
Addiction begins where dalliance - or doctors orders - becomes disease. It can happen to anyone who has taken a sip or puff or snort - or even a pill prescribed for pain.
Even though my son had done some bad things while being an addict, my son is not a bad person. He is a sick person. When addiction scooped up my child, it did so indiscriminately; Joey, at his core, is one of the least bad people I know.
Before my son was an addict, I used to judge the dusty addict on the corner very harshly. But now I know that being an addict isn't something anyone would choose.
Now I know that the addict on the corner has been my sweet child - and could someday be yours. I wish I hadn't waited for the worst to happen before I opened my eyes and heart. Before I looked beneath the addict's dust to the person he was meant to be. To the person my child could just as easily have become - and did.
Before my son was an addict, he was a child. Not a monster.
Addiction can happen to anyone."
Sandy Swenson is the mother of two sons - one of whom is an alcoholic and drug addict. "The Joey Song" chronicles her journey through the place where love and addiction meet.
I certainly could not have said this any better myself.
Keep coming back,
Jim
What is a homeless bag? First some back story.........
My recovering addict daughter (almost 2 years!), K, has sharply raised my awareness of the homeless that surround us all. In her recovery, she has sometimes been short of money - not because she has blown it on drugs, just because she is dependent largely on tips as a server, if business is lousy, so are her tips.
K, has never been homeless, but the possibility has been very real in the not too distant past. As a result, she has a special empathy for the homeless and has sort of adopted a fellow named Bernard. Bernard lives in a tent on a highway right of way and hangs about at a Starbucks where my daughter buys him a sandwich every day. Bernard is a Vietnam vet, I do not know his story other than he is homeless.
Even as a young child, K was always very empathetic toward those less fortunate than herself, this became even more sharply pronounced after a trip in her teens to Guatemala where she saw life threatening poverty first hand.
K has told me that sometimes even if she is really broke, she still feeds Bernard, because " I ate last night, I'll be OK, I am going to work and will have some money later on today."
As a result of her devotion, DW and I have become active in our church's homeless ministries. At least part of this is due to our knowing "There but for the grace of God goes my daughter."
There is a fellow in our small city, Bill, a Jesuit priest, who is considered by all as the guru of homelessness in Wilmington. He knows all of the homeless population, their stories and their weaknesses. BIll loves them all unconditionally.
Bill knows my daughter's story even though he has never met her and she lives a thousand miles away. He cheers her successes, mourns her stumbles, but never gives up hope.
I told Bill that I could no longer pass the homeless with their cardboard signs pleading for help - especially the younger women - "There but for the grace of God......", I had to do something. Bill told me in no uncertain terms - NEVER give them money unless I just wanted to help supply their drug of choice for today - alcohol, heroin, crack, meth, pills, etc.
Bill said to feed them, if feasible (this is what K does) or give them useful items which do not have a lot of street value. Toiletries were suggested. Our city has several "homeless day centers" where the homeless can go during the day and aside from escaping the weather, do laundry, take a shower, use a computer to hunt for jobs, etc.
Thus the homeless bag was born! A gallon ZipLock bag which contains, bar soap, shampoo, toothbrush and paste, deodorant, waterless hand sanitizer, a comb, disposable razors, moist towelettes, Chapstick, tissues and a few other items along with a information card which tells them how to reach Bill and lists the services which his ministry provides and a "Survival Guide" information sheet which lists some places which provide food. These are all items which are low on a homeless person's priority list when it comes to spending their meager amounts of money, but they are greatly appreciated.
We carry these bags in our cars and pass them out of the window to the homeless.
Some cynical folks have asked us, "How many get thrown back at you?" The answer is none so far. The bags have always been received graciously with profound thanks and always followed by "God bless you!"
Had our daughter chosen a different path a few years back, we would probably never have gotten involved with this ministry and certainly would not be concerned when our homeless bag supply was getting low! Of course, we would not be concerned, because we would not even have a concept of a homeless bag.
So, no matter how bad it gets between you and your addict, keep your eyes open - they may have something profound to teach you.
I don' t know if I have ever posted this insightful short essay here, but it speaks volumes on the subject of judging others.
ADDICTION CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE" by Sandy Swenson
"Before my son was an addict, he was a child.
My child.
But he could have been anyone's child. He could have been - or might yet be - yours.
Until the troubles started, I never thought my child would become an addict. It never crossed my mind.
Until one day it did.
Before my son was an addict, he liked to fish and camp; he was an Eagle Scout and a rescue diver; he built a playground for orphans in India, he wanted to be a marine biologist, and he was awarded scholarships from several colleges.
He also sometimes lied and said things that were mean and sulked and was crabby; in other words, Joey was perfectly normal.
There's a widely held belief that addicts are bad people, but the truth is, addiction is not an issue for moral judgment. Addiction has nothing whatsoever to do with whether a person is nice, or the quality of their character, or the strength of their will.
Addiction is a disease. Scientific research has proven this; the addicted brain exhibits measurable changes - this is fact. And, most addiction begins in adolescence, strongly enticed by popular culture.
Addiction begins where dalliance - or doctors orders - becomes disease. It can happen to anyone who has taken a sip or puff or snort - or even a pill prescribed for pain.
Even though my son had done some bad things while being an addict, my son is not a bad person. He is a sick person. When addiction scooped up my child, it did so indiscriminately; Joey, at his core, is one of the least bad people I know.
Before my son was an addict, I used to judge the dusty addict on the corner very harshly. But now I know that being an addict isn't something anyone would choose.
Now I know that the addict on the corner has been my sweet child - and could someday be yours. I wish I hadn't waited for the worst to happen before I opened my eyes and heart. Before I looked beneath the addict's dust to the person he was meant to be. To the person my child could just as easily have become - and did.
Before my son was an addict, he was a child. Not a monster.
Addiction can happen to anyone."
Sandy Swenson is the mother of two sons - one of whom is an alcoholic and drug addict. "The Joey Song" chronicles her journey through the place where love and addiction meet.
I certainly could not have said this any better myself.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
I think the toiletries/emergency bag is wonderful!
I saw a lot of homeless people where I used to live. Some were scammers and some were legit. We don't know their individual stories of "why," but these bags can go to truly help them day to day while not enabling their addictions.
A friend told me someone asked her for money for food and when she offered to take them to McDonalds and buy their lunch, they said, "never mind." (shrug) I guess they weren't THAT hungry.
I saw a lot of homeless people where I used to live. Some were scammers and some were legit. We don't know their individual stories of "why," but these bags can go to truly help them day to day while not enabling their addictions.
A friend told me someone asked her for money for food and when she offered to take them to McDonalds and buy their lunch, they said, "never mind." (shrug) I guess they weren't THAT hungry.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Learning....I have a family member who is police. It happens often (most times) that if you offer to get them food instead of money they don't want it. Not always, but often.
I work w/someone who makes up big baskets and leaves them under the bridges where the homeless come at night. I like this idea as well.
I work w/someone who makes up big baskets and leaves them under the bridges where the homeless come at night. I like this idea as well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
I ran a food bank at my church for 5 years. We were one of the few in the area that gave "bread and milk" vouchers for the local grocery store. The vouchers were printed to ONLY give store brand bread and 2% store brand milk. The vouchers were purchased with donations.
I actually had one lady with two children (middle schoolers) and her parents living with her tell me that they didn't drink 2%. I asked her what kind they drank. "We only drink whole milk."
Seriously! I told her that whole milk isn't that good for you and if she didn't want the voucher, I could give her a box of powdered milk.
She took the voucher.
ETA...her and the kids were overweight. SMH
I actually had one lady with two children (middle schoolers) and her parents living with her tell me that they didn't drink 2%. I asked her what kind they drank. "We only drink whole milk."
Seriously! I told her that whole milk isn't that good for you and if she didn't want the voucher, I could give her a box of powdered milk.
She took the voucher.
ETA...her and the kids were overweight. SMH
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Hello, this is my first time posting anything, but you mentioned Wilmington and wondered if it's Wilmington, NC. After too many "relapses" I've removed my AH from my home here. He's mentioned to me in our brief conversations that he was given at least one of these homeless bags, and I wonder if it's from you! What a small world, if so. The opiate and heroin problem here has reached epic proportions, not unlike everywhere, but a recent study showed Wilmington as having the highest rate of opiate abuse in the country. I see people panhandling and I'm always terrified of me or my children seeing their father doing it. Thank you for what you're doing. They're not all bad people, but addiction sure does cause them to do bad things.
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
What a great post, Jim and thanks for the reminder. I know I sometimes miss the blessings amid the sadness of addiction, but it's true there is greater empathy for having witnessed the struggle. For years, I've donated to an organization that feeds and shelters the homeless ... who knows if I would do this if addiction hadn't touched my own family. This may even be the same group you speak of as I grew up in North Wilmington, my boys were born in the old Wilmington hospital, and my younger son was part of the city's homeless population at least once in his younger years. I really enjoyed the Sandy Swenson piece too ... so much truth. Bless you and your daughter for opening your hearts and making a difference.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
ItsTime 4Me,
I would be happy to claim credit for extending a hand to your AH, however, I am in Wilmington, Delaware.
I have passed through Wilmington, NC both by boat on the Waterway, and by car more recently. You are correct, to the educated eye, it is very apparent there are widespread problems with addiction and homelessness in Wilmington.
On a more positive note, a member of our Nar-Anon home group has a son in Wilmington, NC who is thriving in his recovery there. Apparently, in addition to their many problems, there is a widespread and active recovery community there.
Keep coming back,
Jim
I would be happy to claim credit for extending a hand to your AH, however, I am in Wilmington, Delaware.
I have passed through Wilmington, NC both by boat on the Waterway, and by car more recently. You are correct, to the educated eye, it is very apparent there are widespread problems with addiction and homelessness in Wilmington.
On a more positive note, a member of our Nar-Anon home group has a son in Wilmington, NC who is thriving in his recovery there. Apparently, in addition to their many problems, there is a widespread and active recovery community there.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Deedee,
"For years, I've donated to an organization that feeds and shelters the homeless...."
Thank you for your support!
Friendship House by chance? The "Bill" that I reference is Bill Perkins, their founder and Executive Director for years, he has stepped down as Director but actively continues his ministry to the homeless.
Keep coming back,
Jim
"For years, I've donated to an organization that feeds and shelters the homeless...."
Thank you for your support!
Friendship House by chance? The "Bill" that I reference is Bill Perkins, their founder and Executive Director for years, he has stepped down as Director but actively continues his ministry to the homeless.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
I passed a bag out of the window to a middle aged man yesterday, he had the typical homeless look and pleading cardboard sign.
I handed him the bag as he passed on the median strip, he thanked me and added the usual "God bless you!"
The light was extra long for some reason and he when he passed by on his way back to his starting point, he commented, "Thanks again, I can really use that stuff, God bless you for seeing me as a real person."
I Told him to take care of himself and wished him good luck.
The light changed and we parted ways, myself richer and humbled by the encounter.
Keep coming back,
Jim
I handed him the bag as he passed on the median strip, he thanked me and added the usual "God bless you!"
The light was extra long for some reason and he when he passed by on his way back to his starting point, he commented, "Thanks again, I can really use that stuff, God bless you for seeing me as a real person."
I Told him to take care of himself and wished him good luck.
The light changed and we parted ways, myself richer and humbled by the encounter.
Keep coming back,
Jim
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