He died...
 

It has been a long time since I've posted. Literally almost five years. So much has happened, I don't even know where to start. I do want to say that when I was going through the worst of times, this site and its members helped me immeasurably to cope with things that were happening with my ABF. I was so lost this was one of the only places I could find that anyone understood what I was going through. So, thank you all for that.

My ABF and I--I'll call him J--went through so much. So many ups and downs and back-and-forths. It was never-ending. On the other hand, I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone and I truly believe we had a very deep 'soulmate' connection. I could never seem to stay away no matter what happened. Common problem among us here, obviously.

Eventually, I was not able to live with J anymore. Then I almost completely shut him out. I even tried dating someone else. After six years. It didn't work, it didn't last, and the connection just wasn't there for me. It really hurt J that I did this, but he acknowledged that he wanted me to be happy and obviously failed. Soon after I broke things off with the other guy, J coincidentally (yes, absolutely) contacted me again.

We had about 36 hours together at the end of January. It was the best time we had spent in a long, long time. We really talked, we laughed, we acted like normal people together rather than people who had a house full of baggage. I dropped him off the next day and drove home thinking that I should just admit to myself that he was who I wanted, regardless of what has happened, and maybe we could have some sort of 'unconventional' arrangement where we don't see other people, but we also don't see each other much. My heart was trying to find a way to keep him close, but not too close.

Two weeks later, I had been unable to agree to seeing him again and he was texting me regularly about how much he loved me, enjoyed our time together, and really wanted to be with me again. He apologized, expressed regret, seemed to take responsibility for things in our relationship without a follow-up "But you..." or "I only did that because you did..." I was so torn.

Nine days later, he was dead. He overdosed. I'm broken. I don't know how to accept the never again of this. I don't know how to keep from asking myself unanswerable questions. I desperately want to talk to him again and I haven't even been able to dream him vividly yet. I'm afraid he never knew what he really meant to me or how much I really loved him and cared about him. I didn't tell him anymore. I had put so many walls up to protect myself. When he died, there was no need for that anymore and all those walls came down leaving me open to feeling all the things I had been trying not to for my own protection for so long.

I know this is a process and it has been only two weeks since he passed away. I know this will take time. Right now, it feels horrible and empty and I'm not sure how I can miss him so much when I had gotten myself to a place of rarely seeing him. Maybe it is just because he was still such a heavy presence in my heart and mind every single day regardless of whether we were together or not. I don't know. I don't know if it matters.

I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I wanted to post here. I'm sorry I've been absent and now I'm back dropping this bomb. I'm having a hard time and once again, there aren't many people who REALLY understand what this might feel like.

Thanks for reading.

hi mstrust. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting. I hope it helped you somewhat. Look after yourself. He is at peace now, something he didn't have here on earth. I am sorry.

I am so very, very sorry, mstrust.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I understand how you are feeling. I have been in a very similar situation and know the guilt and feeling that my addict didn't understand the depth of my love for him when he died. It will be okay. He knows. Hugs to you.

so sorry that addiction claims another....

he knew you loved him, be assured of that.
he just couldn't shake the monster.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Very sorry.
Addiction is a heartbreaker.

You are not alone.
I too, know what this is like.
A man I loved and lived with died from a drug overdose.
It was very devastating especially for someone like me
who was an active addict alcoholic at the time.
The day after he died I was smoking crack with our friend
and almost overdosed myself, and he was screaming my name
saying and repeating over and over "Don't do this to me!"
But somehow I came back and it was God's grace.
In my case this event started me on the road to recovery.
I became a born again Christian which I loved and still do
but I kept going back out again and this went on for four years.
Until I finally surrendered to recovery and the program and the fellowship
of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took a year in AA to stop drinking and drugging.
In my area we use poker chips to signify that if we pick up a drink or a drug
we are gambling with our lives. I picked up many white chips that first year.
And from then on, I was able to live a clean and sober life and all the promises came true.

Maybe one day you will find a way to make this deeply painful loss
a stepping stone to spiritual growth.
God bless

I am so very sorry. I too am sure that he knew how much you loved him.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, mstrust.

Those 36 hours you spent together happened for a reason.

He knew how you felt.

Hugs to you. :hug:

I'm sorry, Mstrust. This made me cry. I think he knew.

Mstrust

Your story touches me in so many ways. There isn't much I can say to ease your pain, because the pain of losing someone is equal to the love you bore. But I wish you all the support you need as you grieve.

Addiction is a disease - and I am so sorry it claimed the life of your loved one. Even when we lose someone to cancer or heart disease, there is always a temptation to torture ourselves with second guessing about what we could have done, could have said.

My hope for you is that you can acknowledge that you did absolutely everything correctly. Each decision and action you took was perfect for the moment you made it - and your HP gave you those beautiful last 36 hours where both you and your ABF could feel the love that was beyond the disease.

Wishing you peace as you grieve because he is at peace now.

Hey...

I'm so sorry. This is awful. But sadly, this is often how addiction ends, and the worst thing about it is there's nothing we can do.

In the days and weeks to come, you're likely to revisit all the moments you've talked and try to identify when or where you could have said something different...something that would have prevented what happened. And I hope, in time, you'll recognize and make peace with that fact he was out of your reach.

This is going to hurt for a long, long time. Quite possibly forever. That's just how it is. But in time, mstrust, you'll adapt to a different life, and that life can still be a good one. In the meantime, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. Don't try to stuff it down. Reach out for support, whether it's here or with your friends. And do what you need to do to get through your days.

Again, I'm so sorry.

So very sorry for your loss. Addiction stinks!

This made me cry too. I hate alcohol and addiction. It's so f-----g unfair. I don't know what happens after we die. I hope his spirit is out there somewhere feeling your love and being free from the struggle. Much love to you.

MsTrust

I am very sorry for your loss. Very sad news indeed. I worry at times about receiving such devastating news. I wish I had words to ease your pain.

Hopefully your sad story of love for someone suffering from addiction will somehow help others.

I wish you peace. Addiction sucks big time!

I'm so very sorry MsTrust and my heart is with you.

I am so very sorry.