Yes, I'm back. Sigh* Ex kept in touch , lied, slept around, & using again
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 52
Yes, I'm back. Sigh* Ex kept in touch , lied, slept around, & using again
So, after my ex stole my grandmother's oxy for her broken hip I broke things off. He continue to contact me everyday. First thing when he woke up, throughout the day, and last thing before he went to bed. All of a sudden I noticed he it added 30 new women to his Facebook friends list that he was not related to. When I ask he said he just didn't want to refuse the friend request but he's not talking to anyone. He came over for his birthday and I found out that he had slept with four other women in the last two weeks and did heroin with one of them who was barely 18. He also had sex with her and took a picture while they were having sex and send it to her boyfriend. Her boyfriend sent it to her mother who then contacted me. Good gravy. I don't know why my adrenaline started rushing as if I was surprised period after over 2 years I should be used to this kind of thing but for some reason I seem to believe him when he acts so sincere. It's got to be just me not wanting to believe the truth.
I did end up getting an I'm sorry. I don't know if that was for stealing $50 from me after he had just got paid yet again or for the lying, or the sleeping around. Of course it's probably not sincere but at least I got an apology.
What is wrong with me ?
I should have walked away a long time ago and stayed away, I don't know why I still have so many feelings for this man.
I'm 48 but don't look my age. He's 28 and drop dead gorgeous. He's also the best sex I've ever had in my entire life hands down not even close. I'd hate to think that those things have such a strong pull. Why do I have so many feelings for him yet? It's been 2 years and 2 months.
I did end up getting an I'm sorry. I don't know if that was for stealing $50 from me after he had just got paid yet again or for the lying, or the sleeping around. Of course it's probably not sincere but at least I got an apology.
What is wrong with me ?
I should have walked away a long time ago and stayed away, I don't know why I still have so many feelings for this man.
I'm 48 but don't look my age. He's 28 and drop dead gorgeous. He's also the best sex I've ever had in my entire life hands down not even close. I'd hate to think that those things have such a strong pull. Why do I have so many feelings for him yet? It's been 2 years and 2 months.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Frustrated47
I think most of us can empathize with being "hooked" on our addicts. We all ask ourselves many of the same questions. Same problem, different details.
I recently attended a really interesting workshop that gave me some clarity. I don't know if this will help you, but if it has a similar affect that it had on me, it might help you answer your own question.
In the workshop they suggested writing one sentence that summarizes the problem relationship. Then come up with 5 words that describe the person and 5 other words that describe the relationship (not you, not him, but qualities of the relationship) - then looking at what you wrote, ask - what other people or relationships in my life and/or past are similar.
For me it zeroed right in on the relationship that started all the nonsense, the original "wounding" that set me up for codependency. And it showed me that I created this pattern repeatedly in small ways and bigger ways (my addict being the most significant).
If this doesn't help, I do hope that you find the answers to your question. Everyone's answer is a little different, but pondering the question is one of the steps toward freedom. Keep coming back - others' stories always have lessons for me.
Best wishes,
I think most of us can empathize with being "hooked" on our addicts. We all ask ourselves many of the same questions. Same problem, different details.
I recently attended a really interesting workshop that gave me some clarity. I don't know if this will help you, but if it has a similar affect that it had on me, it might help you answer your own question.
In the workshop they suggested writing one sentence that summarizes the problem relationship. Then come up with 5 words that describe the person and 5 other words that describe the relationship (not you, not him, but qualities of the relationship) - then looking at what you wrote, ask - what other people or relationships in my life and/or past are similar.
For me it zeroed right in on the relationship that started all the nonsense, the original "wounding" that set me up for codependency. And it showed me that I created this pattern repeatedly in small ways and bigger ways (my addict being the most significant).
If this doesn't help, I do hope that you find the answers to your question. Everyone's answer is a little different, but pondering the question is one of the steps toward freedom. Keep coming back - others' stories always have lessons for me.
Best wishes,
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
At least you got an apology? No, F47, you deserve more than that. Never settle for "at least". Can you go no contact on this guy? I would be afraid of getting a STI from him. Get tested, stop contacting him, stop talking to people who talk about him. He's got to grow up. You can't wait for him to do that. Also, there is no telling if he'll want you when he does grow up.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry for your pain and confusion, really I am and I say this with love in my heart....it stops when YOU say it stops, and not a moment before.
You can continue doing what you are doing and getting what you are getting...OR...you can say "enough", go no contact and run like the wind away from this relationship.
You are wise to take a look at yourself to try to figure out why you make poor choices. Taking some time away from any relationship to just work on yourself will make a huge difference in how you see life and teach you how to make healthy choices. Meetings, counseling, reading good books like "Codependent No More" and coming to SR are a good way to surround yourself with support and a good outline of how to live well, happy and peacefully.
He will persist until you say "No More" and mean it. Like putting down a drug, it may not come easy but your sanity and your life just may depend on it.
You can continue doing what you are doing and getting what you are getting...OR...you can say "enough", go no contact and run like the wind away from this relationship.
You are wise to take a look at yourself to try to figure out why you make poor choices. Taking some time away from any relationship to just work on yourself will make a huge difference in how you see life and teach you how to make healthy choices. Meetings, counseling, reading good books like "Codependent No More" and coming to SR are a good way to surround yourself with support and a good outline of how to live well, happy and peacefully.
He will persist until you say "No More" and mean it. Like putting down a drug, it may not come easy but your sanity and your life just may depend on it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
TBH, he sounds like a walking STD. and quite the little con man.
ted bundy was also handsome and charming. just sayin'.....
as Ann so wisely said, you are done the moment you say DONE. and then cut off all contact, get off his FB for pete's sake, and move forward towards a healthy happy life.
ted bundy was also handsome and charming. just sayin'.....
as Ann so wisely said, you are done the moment you say DONE. and then cut off all contact, get off his FB for pete's sake, and move forward towards a healthy happy life.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Originally Posted by Frustrated47 
I'm 48 but don't look my age. He's 28 and drop dead gorgeous. He's also the best sex I've ever had in my entire life hands down not even close. I'd hate to think that those things have such a strong pull. Why do I have so many feelings for him yet? It's been 2 years and 2 months.
Best that you go no contact and that means social media and other forms of communication alike.
Best wishes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 52
Thank you guys.
I'll try that Troubledone.
Walking std... I was afraid of that. Just talked to the nurse today... all clear.
I went to get tested for all the normal STIs and then hepatitis C and herpes as well since the 18 year olds mother said she had herpes and he himself has hep C from unassuming shared needles in the past.
Everything you have all said is so completely rational. He really was an old soul age difference aside. Surprisingly we did have quite a bit in common. He wasn't your average 28 year old and I'm not your average 48 year old. Either way I realize that is a huge age difference.
Down the line I'm sure when he's 40 and I'm 60 I'm probably the last thing he's interested in.
No new contact equals no new hurts.
WHY the heck do I even want contact?
It's crazy.
I worry about who else you sleeping with and wanting to take a relationship further with. According to the 18 year old he had said he wanted to take their relationship further and get a place together. They had lived together for a few years.
He had lived with her family when she was 14.
Omgosh.
I shouldn't care. I try to go no contact but then I just get the urge to send something to see if he will reply.
It's almost like I'm addicted 2 the way he used to make me feel but is obviously no longer doing so.
I wish no contact was easier!
He isn't contacting me. Sometimes I get angry about everything and want to report that he was providing heroin to the young girl. Doing drugs is in a crime but possessing them is. That's kind of ridiculous because you have to possess them in order to do them. Giving heroin to an 18 year old girl? There has to be something someone could do.
I haven't done that though because I don't know if it would actually do anything. I don't want to do it just out of anger either.
HOW DID you guys go NC if it was hurting to do so ?
How do you get over them after over 2 years if you're still drawn to them?
I'll try that Troubledone.
Walking std... I was afraid of that. Just talked to the nurse today... all clear.
I went to get tested for all the normal STIs and then hepatitis C and herpes as well since the 18 year olds mother said she had herpes and he himself has hep C from unassuming shared needles in the past.
Everything you have all said is so completely rational. He really was an old soul age difference aside. Surprisingly we did have quite a bit in common. He wasn't your average 28 year old and I'm not your average 48 year old. Either way I realize that is a huge age difference.
Down the line I'm sure when he's 40 and I'm 60 I'm probably the last thing he's interested in.
No new contact equals no new hurts.
WHY the heck do I even want contact?
It's crazy.
I worry about who else you sleeping with and wanting to take a relationship further with. According to the 18 year old he had said he wanted to take their relationship further and get a place together. They had lived together for a few years.
He had lived with her family when she was 14.
Omgosh.
I shouldn't care. I try to go no contact but then I just get the urge to send something to see if he will reply.
It's almost like I'm addicted 2 the way he used to make me feel but is obviously no longer doing so.
I wish no contact was easier!
He isn't contacting me. Sometimes I get angry about everything and want to report that he was providing heroin to the young girl. Doing drugs is in a crime but possessing them is. That's kind of ridiculous because you have to possess them in order to do them. Giving heroin to an 18 year old girl? There has to be something someone could do.
I haven't done that though because I don't know if it would actually do anything. I don't want to do it just out of anger either.
HOW DID you guys go NC if it was hurting to do so ?
How do you get over them after over 2 years if you're still drawn to them?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
F47. I went no contact with my stbx addict husband after having been with him for over 10 years. It does hurt, you just have to realize that the horrible pain you will feel from your heart breaking into millions of little pieces, is less horrible than the pain you will feel from them sucking the years of your precious life away from you. So I'm not going to sugar-coat it: yes, it hurts, but you have to lean into the pain and trust that the pain is trying to teach you something.
He may be an old soul, but if he was also wise, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing to himself, to other people, or to you. His actions are terribly irresponsible. I really hope you can untangle yourself from his actions and his issues. The 18-year-old is of age and can do what she wants. While I am concerned that he was living with her family since she was 14, I'm not sure there is anything you can do unless she wants to report him. Maybe someone else has better advice.
Please do seek counseling if you are struggling with no contact. Please make your mental health a priority right now... eat, sleep, get exercise, and do something to distract you from him.
He may be an old soul, but if he was also wise, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing to himself, to other people, or to you. His actions are terribly irresponsible. I really hope you can untangle yourself from his actions and his issues. The 18-year-old is of age and can do what she wants. While I am concerned that he was living with her family since she was 14, I'm not sure there is anything you can do unless she wants to report him. Maybe someone else has better advice.
Please do seek counseling if you are struggling with no contact. Please make your mental health a priority right now... eat, sleep, get exercise, and do something to distract you from him.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
My addict & I stopped talking in the beginning of June 2017. At that point, I registered & posted my story here on SR. It was a very difficult time for me.
I was advised by numerous caring people here on SR to not only go no contact but to block her. I didn't take the advice to block her. I guess I wasn't strong enough to take such a final action. I paid a heavy price for not blocking her. That came about in mid July.
For me, going no contact & finally blocking her, came from a place called self preservation. I had no other choice.
From there with the crazy mess out of my life only then could I begin to work on healing me. I became very damaged concerning my relationship with her & I knew it. Time away has helped greatly.
I was advised by numerous caring people here on SR to not only go no contact but to block her. I didn't take the advice to block her. I guess I wasn't strong enough to take such a final action. I paid a heavy price for not blocking her. That came about in mid July.
For me, going no contact & finally blocking her, came from a place called self preservation. I had no other choice.
From there with the crazy mess out of my life only then could I begin to work on healing me. I became very damaged concerning my relationship with her & I knew it. Time away has helped greatly.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When the pain of continued contact becomes more than what you are getting out of it, and you realize it, you will stop. That is how you stop.
I know I have made it sound all cut and dried, and I am sorry because I know it's hurtful. The more space YOU ALLOW this to take up in your mind, the more it has power over your life. Moving on is a choice, and that means a choice of not only physically moving on, but also mentally.
I know I have made it sound all cut and dried, and I am sorry because I know it's hurtful. The more space YOU ALLOW this to take up in your mind, the more it has power over your life. Moving on is a choice, and that means a choice of not only physically moving on, but also mentally.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 3
I think once a relationship crosses over the alcohol/drug abuse window, they dynamics of that relationship changes completely... including the sexual connection. It sounds like he hasn't truly began to work on his recovery and his "sorry' was just to get what he needed or wanted out of you. I have been in the same position where a loved one lied, cheated and did not change and I quickly learned that any past relationship I had with him was done.
I think you know what you need to do, but it's hard giving up on a loved one who has turned to drugs. You can't change them, they have to change themselves. There is nothing wrong with walking away to better yourself, mentally and emotionally. You didn't choose this life that he has and there is no reason for you to not live yours to the fullest if he has already done so much to make you second guess him...again.
I think you know what you need to do, but it's hard giving up on a loved one who has turned to drugs. You can't change them, they have to change themselves. There is nothing wrong with walking away to better yourself, mentally and emotionally. You didn't choose this life that he has and there is no reason for you to not live yours to the fullest if he has already done so much to make you second guess him...again.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by hopeful4
When the pain of continued contact becomes more than what you are getting out of it, and you realize it, you will stop. That is how you stop.
He stole your Grandmother's medication. Now that is a HUGE deal so wrong on so many levels and you broke up with him. Thankfully you had the presence of mind to try to protect your Grandmother, because you don't seem to want to protect yourself.
He is a cheater, a liar a thief. You need to protect yourself, this person can hurt you and is not trustworthy. That, in my opinion is what you are not focusing on.
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