johnnie360

I was here as year ago right around this time. I decided to stay on the dark road with XAG. I think I needed to know there wasn't anything to be done. Loved her so much, couldn't let go even though it was extremely toxic for us both.

I finally after the broken promises realised that the pain of her being completely out of my life was less than the pain of us carrying on in that sick nightmare.

I let go of my ideals, my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I swallowed and accepted that I just didnt have what it takes to live any longer in it.

It came down to this... She would continue to get high, I would get hurt and feel abandoned then flip out and cause her emotional pain. It was a cycle. Every night in the end when I returned home I deep inside hoped she was gone. Then I planned to go no contact. I think I finally pushed her out.

"You are going to get high, its going to hurt me, and I'm going to get mad, and we are going to fight."

Those final moments of acceptance. She was going to do it no matter what. Me keeping her here one night wouldnt stop the rest of the nights. Always one last fix for me. I loved her. I did. But now more than ever I see my problems are fully independant of hers. I am still the same me. Just more broken.

Its been now coming up on one month no contact. She told me I would drag her back, but I havent. Assuredly at this stage of her addiction she is in some form or fashion prostituting herself for drugs. If she is not directly selling her body, then she is latching onto someone.

I guess it doesnt matter. I realised that I dont think I could even deal with living in fear of a relapse and this hell going on again if she were to recover. One bad day away from relapse.

She has reached out twice that I am aware of. I ignored. Didnt look, didnt listen, dont know what was said. Its better that way. Its theonly way I am going to survive. I am hanging on by a thread. Isolated. Unsure, gripped with anxiety everyday that is preventing me from making any sort of move on anything in life. I left my job due to health issues. Mental and physical.

Went to the local alanon. There were 4 people there. Older. just didnt work. I was surprised with this opiate crisis more people arent reaching out for help.

I am hurting everyday. Every moment. Not just over her. That pain is not quite as severe as it was before. I no longer have such vivid nightmares about her waking up early. She has become a stranger.

I am unsure if the whole thing actually happened. But then the darkness and grey reminds me it did happen. She was real.

Do I miss her? Not like how she is now. I think back on those golden ideals and moments wrapped in fear when we first met before the heroin, and I remember that fantasy. But that was so long ago. The heroin and meth took it all away. Our toxicity robbed us both. Of course I was blamed for it all. If I hadnt kicked her out a year ago and provided a safe and loving home she would have gotten clean ages ago. Even up to the last days of me trying to bring her home, she was just on the egde of getting help, if only I made her feel secure. How could I though?

I felt more insecure with her on drugs then ever in my life. It was a constant need to make this pain stop. So Id push her out.

I do not regret it. I couldnt go on like that. She couldnt go on like that.

Those first few weeks of no contact were easier than I imagined. I kept telling myself no new contact = no new hurts. Over and over. What I dont know can't hurt me. Then I wont hurt her.

As the weeks have almost come into a month, day by day its getting harder. All this has cracked me open and all my lifes pain is pouring out. I want so badly to get control of my life, to be confident, happy, secure, to love and be loved, but I am just so broken. Everyday I think about her more and more. I no longer live in a fantasy. Its the idea of her I miss. That big shining hope of both our recovery and reconciliation and this amazing love story.

I surely have made strides in my thinking. It only is helping to a degree though. I did love her. So so much. She was the love of my life, neither of us in a place in life to handle such a gift.

I dont wonder what she is doing, I live every moment thinking only the worst. I was angry at first. Now I am just feeling that dull trhobbing pain. Heartache. Loss. Guilt. Remorse. Uncertainty. All of it.

The no contact is getting harder. I am not going to reach out because I know the outcome. I am just hurting over her. I still love her. But I dont want her back. Not like she is, and not like how I am.

I just thought that it was suppose to get easier, not actually harder.

Its been nice to go into public and get noticed by women again. To remember that I am attractive. Being rejected made me forget that. To be placed beneath other junkies took its toll on me.

I just am having a very hard time everyday. I dont know what to do.

I guess its good my dreams, ideals, fantasies are over.

No contact is the only way to go. If there is anyone out there who has a heroin addicted spouse I'd suggest running as fast as you can to save yourself from ongoing pain that will not end.

Heroin is no joke. It will rob your partner of everything. You will live in the shadows of addiction. In darkness. NOTHING you can do will change it. Something has been awakened in them. I don't truly think the majority of them ever fully recover. You will always have that dark passenger along for the ride. That demon in the backseat constantly knocking at their door, and staring at you with a menacing grin, letting you know that even though they are gone, they will alwyas be there.

Sometimes I feel bad for her. Sometimes I look at it like a deep charecter flaw. Under no circumstances does it seem like heroin is an option. I think many can relate. I cant begin to understand why someone would touch the stuff and dance with the devil.

Thanks.

Gm0824

Hi Johnny, welcome back You wrote down your thoughts and your truths of loving an addict beautifully. It is extremely hard. The realizations you have had/having are huge. For a long time, I only felt angry or sad. Trying to navigate feeling my feelings as they say does not come easy. One alanon meeting I go to sometimes has only 5 or 6 much older women. I joke when people in my regular group ask why I go that I am just working my program. Never know what lightbulb may go off in there! Are there any other groups in your area? I've also heard great things about celebrate recovery. You sound like you are doing a great job working on your recovery ... congrats on one month NC. Ignoring those first few calls is no easy feat. Good for you, friend.

GM

johnnie360

Thank you for your words. I dont even want to act like I do not alternate between anger and sadness. I will share some twisted anger with you. On my way home tonight all I could do was be angry. I had bad thoughts about this woman i loved. I sat with the thought of hoping she falls deeper. Hoping she starts using needles. Hoping she actaully begins to feel the pain that I face raw and visceral every day. I get so angry that she gets to go in her drug induced bliss that i hope she sinks low as she can.

I alternate at times between wishing her nothing, to wishing her hell.

I get jealous sometimes at those people who can easily discard and throw their lives away on drugs. Its just not an option for me. I may not have much. I may be miserable, at my own bottom, but I cant sink lower into an addiction like that.

Then I think how easy it is for her to move on to another man. I get bitter. Then I remember that I am alone by choice. And being with someone new while going through this would be SELFISH as her addiction is. So there is lots of learning going on. Normally when I become single I filled the holes with other partners. This time I can't. There really isnt any choice but to get well. I was not well before meeting her, worse but more insight. Ijust wasted two years and looked like a damned fool to the people closest to me. I cant fill it with a relationship or sex. Honestly I just want to get well. Ive made some steps for improvement. I am renting my downstairs rooms out so I can have some extra money. My 90 day plan is to hit the gym hard and work on my confidence. Then I am going to pursue meetings and therapy. Going to get back in school and finish my degree. Going to care about myself. I am going to make friends and do fun things that dont involve drugs. Then in 90 days I will see how I feel.
I want to fix my problems and become what is going to attract another beautiful awesome woman but this time have something to bring to the table. I am going to put myself through a bootcamp of sorts. I will leave this darkness and grey behind me. But when I come out of it, this time Ill come out of my own darkness and fix what I have needed to in myself well before all of this.

Its been hard to get here. But the past few days even more Ive pushed myself. I realized that I can end up alone gripped in fear and self doubt stuck in my own head. In my own prison cell. I can keep doing what I always do and die, or I can TRY to make the changes I know I have needed for so long.

Fitness, therapy, recovery, and getting out of the house as much as possible. Smiling at people. Remembering my worth, my value, my good. Truly changing. Maybe even someday wishing her true and honest well.

Oh and something else I am doing thats new. Feeling the pain and hurtful emotions. Not trying to kill them and stuff them down. Even if just for mere moments actually feeling them. Labeling them.

And not reaching out. No more weakness, no more begging and lying to myself. These are actaully all big changes. Even a month or two ago I would have lied to myself and tried harder to stomach HELL. I even ended it this time for her sake too. I wanted to protect us both. That has got to count for something.

I know I am ranting. This is really all I've got right now. I don't tend to share I was with an addict with people.

But short story long bud, I do feel anger and sadness. I just worked through a bout of anger. But I am going to take that anger and use it to get better and become what I have needed to be all along.

Gm0824

I really like your idea of setting a timeline for your personal growth and healing, checking in periodically to take your emotional temperature. Something I know I never did before while living with active addiction. Ever.

I have had t hose twisted thoughts, pretty sure they'd call that detachment with a chainsaw instead of love. Still part of my healing/recovery process and a step in the right direction. That anger is what I was able to channel into remaining NC, for that I could be thankful. Eventually, the authentic detachment arrived, in it's own time.

Look forward to continuing to see your posts on your journey.

GM

Troubledone

Johnnie360

You are an inspiration!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. It is beautiful.

You are doing all the right things in all the right ways. And it is hard. Healing is always hard - but there IS a much better world that emerges as you stick with it.

Those of us who get caught in the web of an addict (I have 14 years struggle with trying to heal relative to my addicted niece) are often very wounded from the start - so working our recovery is as important as them working theirs. Your dedication to letting go and putting the focus on becoming the best version of yourself is admirable - and it is the only thing that frees both you and your addict.

I empathize with the anger - it is so hard to let go of. At least for me, it is also connected to the primary wounds that caused me to be codependent in the first place. So, there is always a sorting out of anger toward my addict and anger toward those who hurt me and set me up to be codependent. It is a lot to sort out.

But you have arranged a process beautifully to support your journey. I am reminded of many things I want to bring back into my own recovery journey from your post. Thank you for sharing all that you are doing.

Wishing you peace along your journey.

Frustrated47

My now ex-boyfriend is both an alcoholic and a drug addict. The alcoholism never stopped but I had thought the drug addiction had. I broke up with him after he had stolen my grandmother's oxy two different times. Why do I still love him?
He contacted me everyday several times per day and saying he wanted to fix things and get back together, move back in at cetera. Found out that he had slept with four other women in the last two weeks and used heroin with at least one of them who was barely 18. He ended up having sex with her and taking a photo of the two of them having sex. Then he sent the photo to her boyfriend who sent the photo to her mother who in turn contacted me.

When I confronted him he said it was none of my business! How could it not be my business when he was contacting me several times a day everyday saying he wanted to fix things? On top of that he came over and we were intimate. He doesn't use condoms. So then finding out that he was intimate with four other women within two weeks, that absolutely makes it my business because I'm sure he didn't use a condom with any of them.
Yes I just went down today and had a blood test done.

You would think no contact would be easy for me!
I vent via text to his number realizing I won't get a reply. It may be easier just to write it all out in a journal but for some reason I want to be heard by him whether it makes me look crazy to contact him or not.
I feel like I need to speak my peace.

The lying, stealing , abuse, and mistrust are SO HURTFUL.

He's used heroin, coke, and stolen adderall that I know of. I'm sure there's more that I don't know about.

Should I talk to the police about him giving heroin to the 18 year old? The messages between him and the girl's mother made it sound like the girl could have OD'd.
I have screenshots for proof. I also have a screenshot of where he says he didn't steal my grandma's oxy the first time. That shows admission to the fact that he did steal them the second time. Stealing a narcotic is a felony. He would go to prison. Do I contact the detective and show him the screenshot?