ollbuddy

We are newly married in our early 30s (no children yet, but trying) and have just taken temporary custody of my sister-in-law's two children. They are 9 and 11. I have been with my now husband for over 10 years. His sister who is in her 40's has had a drug addiction since she was in her teens. She has been sober for years at a time, but always relapses at some point. Most recently it has been meth. This week has been hell for the family, and she was finally placed in a 30-day program.

We have the children in our care. I would never want the children anywhere else, but of course feelings of resentment and anger towards her are present. That being said, it has nothing to do with the children. We want to make sure that we do the best we can for them at this time. From what I understand she told them she is having a mental breakdown and will be under the care of a doctor.

My question to you guys is what is the best way to manage the children and the questions they may have about where there mom is. Also I was thinking, just so they feel connected to her possibly having them keep a little journal with weekly updates about school, sports and whatever is on their minds? I am not sure what and if there will be visitation at the rehab at this point as all of this just happened. Any insight would be great.

Ann

First, God bless you for caring so much about these children. They are the innocents in all this.

Because of their age, I think speaking honestly and openly with them may help them feel comfortable to ask questions and share their feelings. You sound like a person who is kind and compassionate, just what they will need.

Prayers out for their mother, may she find a better path soon.

Gm0824

Hi ollbuddy, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I agree with Ann's words of wisdom, honest and open if they are asking questions. You and their uncle are the grown ups they have they can trust to take care of them.

I like your journal idea. For myself, I tried hard not to get my children's hopes and expectations up regarding their dad. Using a journal for themselves is excellent to sort out their feelings. Creating a journal to give to their mom at rehab could be setting them up for disappointment. From what you wrote, this is not their first experience with mom relapsing and from the hell week description does this mean she did not go to rehab willingly?

Hugs to you. You sound very caring and supportive of your nieces/nephews needs, if the topic of their mom comes up, I believe you will have the words they need to hear. Lots of love, support, listening to them and stability goes a long way for children.

GM

Sissyfuss

Sorry for your circumstances, Olbuddy and I heartily commend you for stepping up big time. My addict stepdaughters children are being raised by her sister because she lost custody due to her od'ing on heroin. The kids were confused and frightened especially when Mommy and her boyfriend were passed out and unresponsive. The emergency personnel narcaned them back to life but the boyfriend od'ed and died 8 months later. One thing that I made sure to emphasize to them was that Mommy was very sick and it had nothing to do with them, that it was not their fault whatsoever. The 8 and 9 year old are doing well but miss their Mom terribly. The 16 year old is resentful of his Mother knowing she is an addict who chose drugs over him and his siblings. Their Father is working to get custody but has never been responsible because of his drug and alcohol problems. I am supporting him as he seems to be trying to turn his life around for him and his children. Addiction truly is a family disease and more so when young children are involved. Stay strong and know that what you are doing is what needs to be done and everyone is the better for it. Truly wishing you well.

Ileana

I would be open and honest with them. If mom wants to lie it means she isn't working her recovery. Being in recovery means facing the truth about what you have done and making amends. She may not be there yet but that doesn't mean the children can't start the process.

Consider an Al Anon for children. It may help them to realize they are not alone.