Selfishness

Old 02-26-2018, 10:57 AM
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Madlovelily
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Selfishness

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is it wrong of me to ask him to tell me everything he did during his addiction? I mean he just drop a load on me of questions, when he confessed out of guilt. I'm the type that I need to know everything and no lies so I can deal with it, processes it, get over it, let it go and at one point forgive, and move on. I don't like to be in what if he did this, or maybe this day. or in my own sanity, my mind starts to think and I start thinking b's. He tells me he can't tell me anything, or that he won't tell me anything anymore or until he is ready to do so. that could be 5yrs from know, and in the mean while what do I do? he thinks I need to get over it, and act like everything is ok. I can't! he says do you even care what it could do to him? I said do you care what is doing to me? I just wanna get this over with.
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Old 02-26-2018, 11:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
Up date:
is it wrong of me to ask him to tell me everything he did during his addiction? I mean he just drop a load on me of questions, when he confessed out of guilt. I'm the type that I need to know everything and no lies so I can deal with it, processes it, get over it, let it go and at one point forgive, and move on. I don't like to be in what if he did this, or maybe this day. or in my own sanity, my mind starts to think and I start thinking b's. He tells me he can't tell me anything, or that he won't tell me anything anymore or until he is ready to do so. that could be 5yrs from know, and in the mean while what do I do? he thinks I need to get over it, and act like everything is ok. I can't! he says do you even care what it could do to him? I said do you care what is doing to me? I just wanna get this over with.
Right now, I am in no position to really offer advice, but I can tell you this:

When my mom left her first program this time around (10 days in), she told me about how they were forcing her to pay $300/mo for her recovery, plus $10/day for detox, and that sometimes in life you have to do what's right, and that's what she was doing. She then went on to tell me how she can't live in the past, that I need to move on and forgive her (Summarizing her). This was during a conversation where I told her that she could not stay with me, that she could sleep in my car for tonight and buy her a train ticket to her late husband's (my father) home, who had agreed to take her in.

Fast forward to her going back to program the second time: While she's coming clean about all the things she did between the train ticket and now, she tells me that she wasn't even clean when she was "standing up for what's right", that she hadn't made it a mile from program when she started using again.

I don't know your situation, and I don't know your loved one. However, through each interaction with my mom, I'm starting to be able to tell when her addiction is active, and one of my red flags is her telling me that I need to get over it, forgive her, and move on.
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Old 02-26-2018, 02:47 PM
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it's not WRONG to ask anything......but you do need to question your own motives here.

for a fact you know already he has sex with other women.
does it really matter how often that was?
isn't ONCE enough?

knowing MORE details is not going to help you get past anything, it will pull you in deeper and keep you focused on the past.

you do not sound like these acts are something you are going to be able to "forgive and forget" any time soon. it sounds like you want to punish him.

perhaps you need to take a wider view and consider the entire relationship...........if it was all built on lies than what is the point now?
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Old 02-26-2018, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by WordsUnsaid View Post
Right now, I am in no position to really offer advice, but I can tell you this:

When my mom left her first program this time around (10 days in), she told me about how they were forcing her to pay $300/mo for her recovery, plus $10/day for detox, and that sometimes in life you have to do what's right, and that's what she was doing. She then went on to tell me how she can't live in the past, that I need to move on and forgive her (Summarizing her). This was during a conversation where I told her that she could not stay with me, that she could sleep in my car for tonight and buy her a train ticket to her late husband's (my father) home, who had agreed to take her in.

Fast forward to her going back to program the second time: While she's coming clean about all the things she did between the train ticket and now, she tells me that she wasn't even clean when she was "standing up for what's right", that she hadn't made it a mile from program when she started using again.

I don't know your situation, and I don't know your loved one. However, through each interaction with my mom, I'm starting to be able to tell when her addiction is active, and one of my red flags is her telling me that I need to get over it, forgive her, and move on.
Wow my friend recently said the same thing to me to get over the past forgive and move on and that it was imperative for their sobriety. Btw came out of rehab first week of January relapsing consistently.
Thought it was something that was preached in the meetings didn’t know it was a flag!
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Old 02-26-2018, 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted by WordsUnsaid View Post
Right now, I am in no position to really offer advice, but I can tell you this:

When my mom left her first program this time around (10 days in), she told me about how they were forcing her to pay $300/mo for her recovery, plus $10/day for detox, and that sometimes in life you have to do what's right, and that's what she was doing. She then went on to tell me how she can't live in the past, that I need to move on and forgive her (Summarizing her). This was during a conversation where I told her that she could not stay with me, that she could sleep in my car for tonight and buy her a train ticket to her late husband's (my father) home, who had agreed to take her in.

Fast forward to her going back to program the second time: While she's coming clean about all the things she did between the train ticket and now, she tells me that she wasn't even clean when she was "standing up for what's right", that she hadn't made it a mile from program when she started using again.

I don't know your situation, and I don't know your loved one. However, through each interaction with my mom, I'm starting to be able to tell when her addiction is active, and one of my red flags is her telling me that I need to get over it, forgive her, and move on.
Thank you, and I get what u saying
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Old 02-27-2018, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
Up date:
is it wrong of me to ask him to tell me everything he did during his addiction? I mean he just drop a load on me of questions, when he confessed out of guilt. I'm the type that I need to know everything and no lies so I can deal with it, processes it, get over it, let it go and at one point forgive, and move on. I don't like to be in what if he did this, or maybe this day. or in my own sanity, my mind starts to think and I start thinking b's. He tells me he can't tell me anything, or that he won't tell me anything anymore or until he is ready to do so. that could be 5yrs from know, and in the mean while what do I do? he thinks I need to get over it, and act like everything is ok. I can't! he says do you even care what it could do to him? I said do you care what is doing to me? I just wanna get this over with.
They must be focusing on their recovery, and doing so means following the steps as defined in the Big Book. Jumping steps can lead to setbacks as the steps get progressively harder but are designed that way to allow the person to get to a heathly place where they can deal with it.

Now having said that, patience is not my virtue, and like yourself, I need to know... not the dirty details, but enough to know what the person I am involved with was doing. I gave my wife an ultimatum... and she knew we would not survive if she did not at least start talking about it... so we spent an hour in session with her telling me about her activities. It was hard on her and somewhat liberating for me as i was able to move past the unknown and focus on what needed to be done now.

In my case, had she not told me, i would have distanced myself from her and let her do her recovery without my emotional support. Our marriage would have spiraled further down, and trust all but disappear. It would have been a long road to recovery for us. I was already set to move on without her.

For her to tell me what she had been doing was a big step for us, and let me know she was serious about her recovery and how she felt about what she had done.
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Spence7471 View Post
They must be focusing on their recovery, and doing so means following the steps as defined in the Big Book. Jumping steps can lead to setbacks as the steps get progressively harder but are designed that way to allow the person to get to a heathly place where they can deal with it.

Now having said that, patience is not my virtue, and like yourself, I need to know... not the dirty details, but enough to know what the person I am involved with was doing. I gave my wife an ultimatum... and she knew we would not survive if she did not at least start talking about it... so we spent an hour in session with her telling me about her activities. It was hard on her and somewhat liberating for me as i was able to move past the unknown and focus on what needed to be done now.

In my case, had she not told me, i would have distanced myself from her and let her do her recovery without my emotional support. Our marriage would have spiraled further down, and trust all but disappear. It would have been a long road to recovery for us. I was already set to move on without her.

For her to tell me what she had been doing was a big step for us, and let me know she was serious about her recovery and how she felt about what she had done.
yes! that's me at this moment. but I'm giving him time to do his steps and I just have to wait. i also need to learn to have patients which I dont!. thank you so maybe there's hope..
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:53 AM
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Patience is the tough part... good for you for letting him work thru his steps... do understand tho, he may never give you closure as it is not required by the steps. Work on making peace with yourself while he works on himself.
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Old 03-08-2018, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Spence7471 View Post
Patience is the tough part... good for you for letting him work thru his steps... do understand tho, he may never give you closure as it is not required by the steps. Work on making peace with yourself while he works on himself.
what? really? omg!
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Old 03-08-2018, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Madlovelily81 View Post
what? really? omg!
Not really sure if that was sarcasm or not.. but either way... wishing you the peace that comes with setting yourself free of the drama.
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Old 08-14-2019, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by WordsUnsaid View Post
Right now, I am in no position to really offer advice, but I can tell you this:

When my mom left her first program this time around (10 days in), she told me about how they were forcing her to pay $300/mo for her recovery, plus $10/day for detox, and that sometimes in life you have to do what's right, and that's what she was doing. She then went on to tell me how she can't live in the past, that I need to move on and forgive her (Summarizing her). This was during a conversation where I told her that she could not stay with me, that she could sleep in my car for tonight and buy her a train ticket to her late husband's (my father) home, who had agreed to take her in.

Fast forward to her going back to program the second time: While she's coming clean about all the things she did between the train ticket and now, she tells me that she wasn't even clean when she was "standing up for what's right", that she hadn't made it a mile from program when she started using again.

I don't know your situation, and I don't know your loved one. However, through each interaction with my mom, I'm starting to be able to tell when her addiction is active, and one of my red flags is her telling me that I need to get over it, forgive her, and move on.
I also now when his addiction is active, I guess I'm not just ready to forgive him at this moment.
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Old 08-14-2019, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
it's not WRONG to ask anything......but you do need to question your own motives here.

for a fact you know already he has sex with other women.
does it really matter how often that was?
isn't ONCE enough?

knowing MORE details is not going to help you get past anything, it will pull you in deeper and keep you focused on the past.

you do not sound like these acts are something you are going to be able to "forgive and forget" any time soon. it sounds like you want to punish him.

perhaps you need to take a wider view and consider the entire relationship...........if it was all built on lies than what is the point now?
you are totally right, why do I need to now how many, how many times. Your also right that the part of I cant forgive him, I just cant!
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Old 08-14-2019, 12:04 PM
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Then let go and find yourself again.

Ten years is a long time to orbit an addict and their drama.

You deserve better.
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