Enough is enough
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Enough is enough
I am a woman in recovery with 7 years clean and sober.
I had double digits before I relapsed over 7 years ago.
I have overcome many hardships including multiple violent assaults
and other extreme hardships.
My mother has for several decades given away much of the family money to the addict alcoholic brothers who are lazy dishonest men,
verbally abusing and using all the women in the family.
I went to visit our mother and discovered that
she blames herself for the substance abuse issues of her children.
I told her that it is a disease and should be treated as any other disease which requires treatment. It is a matter of choice to be in recovery or not to be.
I struggle because I literally hate what they have done
and what they have become.
They should both be cut off and not be allowed to
hurt the family any more than they already have.
I emailed her some articles on why the parents are not to blame,
which I hope she can let go now and have a clear conscience in
her golden years.
However, it would be the parents' blame if they permitted
the use of drugs and alcohol by their minor children
and/or participated in it with the children
like the one brother did.
They have used up everything and everyone for to long.
They have made their bed and now they will have to pay
the consequences.
They have completely destroyed themselves and their lives.
Enough is enough.
I want nothing to do with them.
How can people do this to their families
and still demand more in the name of family?
Unbelievable
I had double digits before I relapsed over 7 years ago.
I have overcome many hardships including multiple violent assaults
and other extreme hardships.
My mother has for several decades given away much of the family money to the addict alcoholic brothers who are lazy dishonest men,
verbally abusing and using all the women in the family.
I went to visit our mother and discovered that
she blames herself for the substance abuse issues of her children.
I told her that it is a disease and should be treated as any other disease which requires treatment. It is a matter of choice to be in recovery or not to be.
I struggle because I literally hate what they have done
and what they have become.
They should both be cut off and not be allowed to
hurt the family any more than they already have.
I emailed her some articles on why the parents are not to blame,
which I hope she can let go now and have a clear conscience in
her golden years.
However, it would be the parents' blame if they permitted
the use of drugs and alcohol by their minor children
and/or participated in it with the children
like the one brother did.
They have used up everything and everyone for to long.
They have made their bed and now they will have to pay
the consequences.
They have completely destroyed themselves and their lives.
Enough is enough.
I want nothing to do with them.
How can people do this to their families
and still demand more in the name of family?
Unbelievable
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello VioletKnight, Welcome to SR,
Congratulations on your clean time! That is quite an accomplishment.
Addiction, as you have experienced yourself, is cunning, powerful, and baffling. I have no direct experience to relate, but hope you will keep coming back here to SR. You will find a world of support here, and others will be along who can share their own experiences.
Take good care!
Congratulations on your clean time! That is quite an accomplishment.
Addiction, as you have experienced yourself, is cunning, powerful, and baffling. I have no direct experience to relate, but hope you will keep coming back here to SR. You will find a world of support here, and others will be along who can share their own experiences.
Take good care!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Thank you VioletKnight -
Your post answers some questions for me - and I am grateful.
I am a parent - figure to someone who I don't believe has ever admitted she is an addict in need of sobriety, so I have spent too much time, energy, money trying to "fix" things. It is helpful to me to hear the perspective of someone who has been there. thank you
Your post answers some questions for me - and I am grateful.
I am a parent - figure to someone who I don't believe has ever admitted she is an addict in need of sobriety, so I have spent too much time, energy, money trying to "fix" things. It is helpful to me to hear the perspective of someone who has been there. thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
When I told my mother that it wasn't her fault,
she said "Well, whose fault is it then?"
I said that it's the fault of the people doing it, it's a choice,
and, addiction/alcoholism is a disease.
Here is an article I emailed to her.
Hope this helps someone.
***************************
Dream Center for Recovery
Parents and Self Blame: Why Your Child’s Addiction is Not Your Fault
A common and unfortunate belief held by many parents of addicts is that they are at fault for their child’s addiction. Many parents who believe this will berate themselves for the path that their child has taken, believing that something they did or didn’t do, directly caused their child’s addiction. They will spend many sleepless nights going over their parenting, attempting to find any minute detail that will back up their claim. They will say things like if I had only been there for them more, or if I had only intervened earlier, maybe things would be different.
As understandable as feeling this way is, it is nonetheless not based in reality and something that every parent of an addict should know, is that they are not at fault for their child’s addiction. I want to repeat that so that it really sinks in: your child’s addiction is in no way shape or form your fault.
Knowing this will not necessarily make that much of a difference, nor will it even be that much of a comfort for the parent, who at the end of the day still has to deal with the fact that their child has become addicted to substances, but with that said, maybe understanding they are not to blame will help bring a sliver of peace in an otherwise impossible situation.
Why You Are Not To Blame For Your Child’s Addiction
I’d like to start this off by saying that yes, addiction has an environmental component. Meaning that if a child grows up in an alcoholic or addicted household, they run a much greater risk of becoming addicted themselves, but environmental factors are only a single part of what creates addiction. They are only contributing factors and are greatly outweighed by the biological component, and even further diminished by the spiritual component of addiction.
What this means, is that even if you yourself currently suffer from, or have in the past suffered from addiction, you are still not at fault for your child’s addiction. Genetically, you may have passed down the trait that led to their predisposition, although we still don’t understand how that works, and environmental you may have set the stage for addiction to grow, but you did not cause your child to become addicted.
You have to think of it in terms like this. Addiction is an illness, so with that understanding, would you blame yourself if your child were born with another illness? You would maybe try to find reasons to blame yourself, but at the end of the day, you’d understand that illnesses are something that just occur and that no one is really to blame for them. You would fight hard to try to help your child in any way you could, but you would more than likely not carry the burden of guilt that parents of addicts carry.
So the same applies with addiction. Your child may have been born with the genetic predisposition to become addicted. They may have grown up in a household where addiction was present, and if this is the cause, then own your difficulties, but this does not mean that you caused their addiction to start or that you caused their addiction to continue.
she said "Well, whose fault is it then?"
I said that it's the fault of the people doing it, it's a choice,
and, addiction/alcoholism is a disease.
Here is an article I emailed to her.
Hope this helps someone.
***************************
Dream Center for Recovery
Parents and Self Blame: Why Your Child’s Addiction is Not Your Fault
A common and unfortunate belief held by many parents of addicts is that they are at fault for their child’s addiction. Many parents who believe this will berate themselves for the path that their child has taken, believing that something they did or didn’t do, directly caused their child’s addiction. They will spend many sleepless nights going over their parenting, attempting to find any minute detail that will back up their claim. They will say things like if I had only been there for them more, or if I had only intervened earlier, maybe things would be different.
As understandable as feeling this way is, it is nonetheless not based in reality and something that every parent of an addict should know, is that they are not at fault for their child’s addiction. I want to repeat that so that it really sinks in: your child’s addiction is in no way shape or form your fault.
Knowing this will not necessarily make that much of a difference, nor will it even be that much of a comfort for the parent, who at the end of the day still has to deal with the fact that their child has become addicted to substances, but with that said, maybe understanding they are not to blame will help bring a sliver of peace in an otherwise impossible situation.
Why You Are Not To Blame For Your Child’s Addiction
I’d like to start this off by saying that yes, addiction has an environmental component. Meaning that if a child grows up in an alcoholic or addicted household, they run a much greater risk of becoming addicted themselves, but environmental factors are only a single part of what creates addiction. They are only contributing factors and are greatly outweighed by the biological component, and even further diminished by the spiritual component of addiction.
What this means, is that even if you yourself currently suffer from, or have in the past suffered from addiction, you are still not at fault for your child’s addiction. Genetically, you may have passed down the trait that led to their predisposition, although we still don’t understand how that works, and environmental you may have set the stage for addiction to grow, but you did not cause your child to become addicted.
You have to think of it in terms like this. Addiction is an illness, so with that understanding, would you blame yourself if your child were born with another illness? You would maybe try to find reasons to blame yourself, but at the end of the day, you’d understand that illnesses are something that just occur and that no one is really to blame for them. You would fight hard to try to help your child in any way you could, but you would more than likely not carry the burden of guilt that parents of addicts carry.
So the same applies with addiction. Your child may have been born with the genetic predisposition to become addicted. They may have grown up in a household where addiction was present, and if this is the cause, then own your difficulties, but this does not mean that you caused their addiction to start or that you caused their addiction to continue.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
My mother has never had any substance issues.
My father was abusive hard core alcoholic who died of alcoholism.
She still thought her adult childrens' substance abuse issues were her fault.
She thinks childhood family hardship caused the substance abuse.
I said that I have survived many hardships in my life including multiple
violent assaults and I am still clean and sober.
"Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink."
My father was abusive hard core alcoholic who died of alcoholism.
She still thought her adult childrens' substance abuse issues were her fault.
She thinks childhood family hardship caused the substance abuse.
I said that I have survived many hardships in my life including multiple
violent assaults and I am still clean and sober.
"Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
