SadEx

My boyfriend got out of rehab last Summer. I supported him through it all but the usual story of him not being grateful. He began to basically use me. Coming up late, staying over and leaving first thing in the morning. No dates, no quality time. When I pulled him up on this I got a text dumping me a day before Valentines. He suffers with bad depression.

I then found out he was on a dating site while with me. He messaged a friend of mine and she copped him. His profile is all lies. He shaved 8 years off his age. He is nearly 50. He added inches to his height, said he has a car etc.

I am absolutely heartbroken to have been so badly used but the very worst part is that he is extremely angry with me. I am the wronged party. He has treated me in a horrific manner but he is furious with me. He is also non stop on the dating site trying to replace me and I am heartbroken. He has denied he is on it but I know. Just non stop lying.

OpheliaKatz

Sadex, I think this guy is lying about various things. If he's done with rehab, maybe he's not sober... but that's no excuse for his behavior. There was a thread about narcissism that you might be interested in: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...arcissist.html (Did I go from alcoholic to narcissist?!?!)

This guy used you because he's selfish. He's angry at you because you saw through his lies. You should be furious at him. I'm afraid he's no ability to empathize with your feelings. He treated you like an object, he's not likely to start treating you like a human being after you point out that he treated you like an object. Best be done with this jerk.

I know a woman who found out that the guy she was dating was doing this sort of thing on dating sites too. So she made a fake profile, started chatting with him, and when he sent her partially nude photos of himself, she released the story anonymously to a newspaper. The guy had a job where sending partially nude photos would have got him fired. So now he's under investigation.

However... all that takes a lot of energy. I'm not sure how that would make your life better.

Maudcat

Omigosh, SadE .
I am sorry, sorry, sorry that you are sad, but...
He was on a dating site while with you, He shaved 8 years off his age, made himself taller, lied about having a car?
I mean, that is just so pathetic that I had to snort.
Really, you are well out of it.
Peace.

SadEx

Thank you for your reply. I am furious at him but also very very sad too. I've had an awfully tough life and he knows this. I am not going to make a fake profile as I believe it would only cause me more upset. He will lie to any unfortunate women he meets online about his addiction issues. He is clearly chasing after younger women because he has lied about his age. My friend tells me he is constantly online. He has become a sex predator. His profile picture has a quote basically saying that I was below his standards. That cut like a knife. I am 7 years younger then him but look very fit for my age. He has been adding random women on Facebook that are the opposite of me.

I feel really really awful. We are still linked via social media and I need to cut those links but I am finding it so hard. He also did this before and probably when he found nobody he was back in touch with me. I just can't get over his anger towards me & don't know how to deal with it.

biminiblue

Ya know, Halle Berry was cheated on. Jennifer Anniston. In their twenties. Rich, powerful, gorgeous women. That list is a long one.

It's not about the women, it's not about their ages or what they look like: it's about sick entitled selfish men who have no respect for women.

When I break up with someone I usually reach a point where I want to never hear of them or see them again. That's when I block their number and block them on social media and email. I don't need to keep beating myself up. Well, to be fair I've been done with facebook for a decade...but that's more about my own serenity. I don't have any desire to know the kind of stuff that gets posted on fb.

Hugs to you.

AnvilheadII

i'd strongly suggest you stop LOOKING at his dating profile, online activity, FB account. that's not healthy and you already know all you need to know about this guy.

while it feels personal, it is not. this is how he treats the world, this is how he treats women.

he's your EX now. be GLAD not sad.

SadEx

I just looked at the dating profile when my friend told me about it. The lies on it are so blatant. Despite everything I do really love him. Why is this when he has treated me so poorly. He actually treated me a lot better when he was on drugs.

How do I force myself to the point where I delete him off all the social media. How do I get there?

He is hiding how he treated me to his family? They have been distant with me lately. God only knows what he has bern telling them. Should I tell them the truth?
I am sorely tempted to message the latest Facebook women he has added and send her some links about his Rehab, his crimes etc. I know Though she will have to find out for herself.

I just feel so used and sad

biminiblue

I understand, and I've done similar...obsessed about "watching" him.

Then one day I realized I was doing it addictively, and it was not making me feel good.

I really wanted to feel good again.

Only way is to cut ties.

AnvilheadII

i think you'd be crossing a line by contacting his family AND women he has friended on FB......kinda stalkerish.

it's like ripping off a bandaid. just do it. delete delete delete. this guy has shown you who he really is, and he's not worth the angst.

SadEx

Sorry. I actually meant I am sure his mother will contact me asking questions as we were together a long time. Do I lie for him or tell the truth? We were very close when he was in active addiction. I have no intentions of contacting any of these women although I do feel sorry for them and would never wish this on my own worse enemy.

If/when he comes running back, how to I deal with him, just ignore? Tell him what a horrible person he is? He has stuff belonging to me which I asked for back but I will not contact him

Carlotta

Hi Sadex

I am so sorry you are going through that heartbreak. I am with Anvilhead: delete, delete, delete.
As far as his mom goes, if she contacts you do not lie for him. Just tell her the truth calmly and matter of factly. I would suggest that you do not go out of your way to contact her and let her know though. It will accomplish nothing but keep you hurting longer.

I suggest that you block him and go no contact as soon as you get your stuff back from him.
If it is not that valuable, you might as well chalked it off.
Your peace of mind is what matters. The longer you are in touch with him, the more you are going to hurt.
Just go no contact and block his number and emails. If/when he comes running back just ignore him. He is a liar and a user and you really don't need that kind of toxicity in your life.

Opivotal

I'm sorry you were deceived, SadEx. I know it's hurtful, but my gosh, you don't deserve this type of person in your life. Please, do yourself a favor and move forward, don't live in the past. Put out the trash and don't look back.

If asked ... tell the truth.

SadEx

Thanks for these replys. I need to block all forms of contact so I can get on with my life. I get asked out on dates a lot but my heart is with him. I really don't want it to be that way. I know we will have a better life without him. I had only recently let him back into my kids lives and he lets them down yet again.

No I won't go out of my way to contact any of his family. I would feel terrible about deleting them from social media when they did nothing wrong. I just feel terrible full stop. Yes I agree he is extremely toxic and selfish but I am guilty of putting up with it. I guess he thinks I will be waiting for him to come back like the other times he has let me down.

Maudcat

SadE,
I getting a sense from your posts that your self-esteem is really at a low ebb right now, and maybe has been for some time.
That may be one of the reasons why you are finding it difficult to close thebook on this.
I had terribly low self esteem when I was younger, despite that I was bright, educated, slim amd attractive.
This led me down some twisty paths with men at times.
I wish we could get or give self-esteem injections but, alas, it is all inner work.
Please take good care, you are more than enough, and, again, you are well rid of that pathetic man.

SadEx

I think he has eaten up all my self esteem. I don't have any left. I had a male friend tell me I have an amazing body & that he would love to take me out but I dunno if he was just trying to make me feel better.

I feel really low at the moment. I know he is on that site day and night trying to replace me. Like I am a decent, honest person who keeps myself well. Why was I not enough. Once he got out of rehab I was just not good enough. I have ordered that co dependent no more book. Maybe it will help.

PuzzledHeart

When my ex-fiance called off the wedding, I had a final conversation with his mom. I really held her in high regard, and I'd like to think she did too.

Anyway, I wished her well and told her that we would most likely never speak to each other again, given the circumstances. I could tell that it was hard for her, but she understood.

My friends have sons, and their sons break up with girlfriends that they've grown to love, but they've always respected the respective girlfriend's need to break ties and recover. I would like to think that his family would understand your need to heal. If they didn't, that to me would be a giant red flag.

SadEx

He has kids too. Lovely girls - young ladies now who were mostly reared by his lovely ex wife who did it on her own as he was too busy on drugs or in rehab. Having to delete these girls makes me feel awful. I'm not sure they will understand fully why considering they probably have never been in love. It is also not a conversation I want to have with them. He hid his recent rehab stint from them. He will not win any parenting awards either.

He probably won't delete me as he will want me as a backup plan

AnvilheadII

when people break, it's normal and customary for most if not all contact with either's extended family also ceases too. you aren't banishing them to Mars, you simply no longer have means to stay in touch. that's just kinda how it goes, unless it's the very rare AMIABLE break up with no hard feelings, OR a divorce when children are involved.

this "break up" has been happening for awhile now, you've known about his online dating for a while now, he's been a jerk and used you and you've known that for a while now.

now is the time to get out of HIS life and what HE is doing, and get fully back into your own precious life. nail that door behind you shut and get a move'on! you're a vibrant woman in your early 40's with lots of exciting life ahead!

OpheliaKatz

Anvil hit it on the head, again. As did Carlotta and others. Even if you did contact the other women, they might not believe you or refuse to believe you. I sure didn't believe my ex's Mom when she tried to warn me of him... and because of that she's decided to blame me for all of his problems (because she now has someone else to blame for her son's problems). Also, he can accuse you of stalking. If anyone asks about him, his Mom or anyone else, calmly tell them the truth and they can take it or leave it.

Someone who went through something similar to me once told me that other people will find out the truth in time. It might take two years... or five, but they will eventually find out the truth about your ex if they are in touch with him because his lies will start to contradict his actions. I don't know if that will happen, but I do know that the more head space he takes up in my head, the worse I feel. This guy was really terrible to you. Keep posting on SR. We can get stronger together.

SparkleKitty

My friend, when someone is empty inside, when they have no love or respect for themselves, no one is enough for them. As insane as it sounds, it has nothing to do with you.