Abnormally Normal
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Abnormally Normal
Something that occurred to me, early in recovery, is that MY “normal” was not the normal of healthy people, people who were not codependent or whose lives had not been touched by addiction in such a way as it became a way of life for them.
And, frightening as it was, I had become comfortable in my dysfunctional life. It was painful, scary, unpredictable, overwhelming...and yet, it was what I was used to.
I knew how to live a dysfunctional life, I knew what to expect and I knew how I would react. No matter how bad it got, I could adapt and sink just as low as my son in my futile efforts to save him.
And then...somehow along the way....I lost sight of what Normal healthy people did (or didn’t) do. I no longer had the skills to cope and only knew how to “react” to whatever life handed me. How I was, was dependent on how those around me were, I was one big walking “reaction” to the way others I cared about lived.
Along my recovery journey, some wise people here have posted reminders that have jolted me (and others) back to reality. Anvilhead is one special person from whom I learned so much because her posts just told it like it was, kindly but with no sugar coating...and that was exactly what I needed. I will always be grateful to those who challenged “my way” because “my way” wasn’t working for me or anyone else.
Here are a few things I learned, I hope others will add their own to the list and maybe the reminder will help old timers like me, remember why I am her and help Newcomers to see what took me months and months to finally grasp.
Normal people don’t have to hide their medications and sleep with their purses under their pillow.
Normal people don’t have to make excuses at work to slip out and bail their sons out of jail, or pick up his stuff at a hostel because he finally went to detox and could not leave...and then go back to work and pretend that life was wonderful and that nothing was very very wrong.
Normal people don’t have to “pretend” that they are normal...they just are.
Normal people don’t wander bad neighbourhoods late at night, or threaten to kick down a crack house door to try to find and save their children.
Normal people don’t have every rehab in the province/state on their speed dials.
Normal people can plan, budget and know that their dreams can come true. Vacations are enjoyable and they don’t have to worry about their addicted loved one selling everything they own before they get home.
Normal people don’t know where every dealer in town sells their drugs...I knew them all and yet would be hard pressed to find a beer store, where normal people shop.
My abnormal dysfunctional life brought me to recovery in the first place, and in hindsight, I wouldn't have it any other way because the rewards are many. But remembering who I am, and who I was, is a big part of helping me decide who I want to be.
I know there is so much more, please join me and post your own thoughts on this and add to the list.
And, frightening as it was, I had become comfortable in my dysfunctional life. It was painful, scary, unpredictable, overwhelming...and yet, it was what I was used to.
I knew how to live a dysfunctional life, I knew what to expect and I knew how I would react. No matter how bad it got, I could adapt and sink just as low as my son in my futile efforts to save him.
And then...somehow along the way....I lost sight of what Normal healthy people did (or didn’t) do. I no longer had the skills to cope and only knew how to “react” to whatever life handed me. How I was, was dependent on how those around me were, I was one big walking “reaction” to the way others I cared about lived.
Along my recovery journey, some wise people here have posted reminders that have jolted me (and others) back to reality. Anvilhead is one special person from whom I learned so much because her posts just told it like it was, kindly but with no sugar coating...and that was exactly what I needed. I will always be grateful to those who challenged “my way” because “my way” wasn’t working for me or anyone else.
Here are a few things I learned, I hope others will add their own to the list and maybe the reminder will help old timers like me, remember why I am her and help Newcomers to see what took me months and months to finally grasp.
Normal people don’t have to hide their medications and sleep with their purses under their pillow.
Normal people don’t have to make excuses at work to slip out and bail their sons out of jail, or pick up his stuff at a hostel because he finally went to detox and could not leave...and then go back to work and pretend that life was wonderful and that nothing was very very wrong.
Normal people don’t have to “pretend” that they are normal...they just are.
Normal people don’t wander bad neighbourhoods late at night, or threaten to kick down a crack house door to try to find and save their children.
Normal people don’t have every rehab in the province/state on their speed dials.
Normal people can plan, budget and know that their dreams can come true. Vacations are enjoyable and they don’t have to worry about their addicted loved one selling everything they own before they get home.
Normal people don’t know where every dealer in town sells their drugs...I knew them all and yet would be hard pressed to find a beer store, where normal people shop.
My abnormal dysfunctional life brought me to recovery in the first place, and in hindsight, I wouldn't have it any other way because the rewards are many. But remembering who I am, and who I was, is a big part of helping me decide who I want to be.
I know there is so much more, please join me and post your own thoughts on this and add to the list.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Ann Great post
That glove fits my hand perfectly. The totally crazy life of her being and active addict living & chasing the life of addiction became my norm.
Further, I felt like an outsider when in the company of so called normal people. I could no longer relate to their normal lives or plans they were making. I looked like them - but I could no longer relate to them.
Normal people don't deal with constant crisis after crisis, courts, prosecutors, lawyers, judges, arrests, car accidents, DUI, warrants, tickets, licenses suspensions, tears, fears, worry, drugs, fighting, despair, depression, anxiety, money issues, weird behavior, criminal activity, & on and on and on. Towards the end I just couldn't take any more of it.
When it ended it was very difficult to deal with the fact that all the daily drama & complete craziness (by me & her) had come to an end. Time away does help to calm all that down. But even after several months of being away to some extent I am still dealing with it.
Thanks
That glove fits my hand perfectly. The totally crazy life of her being and active addict living & chasing the life of addiction became my norm.
Further, I felt like an outsider when in the company of so called normal people. I could no longer relate to their normal lives or plans they were making. I looked like them - but I could no longer relate to them.
Normal people don't deal with constant crisis after crisis, courts, prosecutors, lawyers, judges, arrests, car accidents, DUI, warrants, tickets, licenses suspensions, tears, fears, worry, drugs, fighting, despair, depression, anxiety, money issues, weird behavior, criminal activity, & on and on and on. Towards the end I just couldn't take any more of it.
When it ended it was very difficult to deal with the fact that all the daily drama & complete craziness (by me & her) had come to an end. Time away does help to calm all that down. But even after several months of being away to some extent I am still dealing with it.
Thanks
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
Ann ... amazing post, thank you for this. I will probably read it one hundred more times to let it soak in completely. I like to people watch and I have been catching myself asking my "normie" friends what led them to make this or that decision when they are chit chatting with me about everyday things because quite frankly normies fascinate me and I see it at as learning opportunity. It sounds silly but my life goal is to be the most abnormally normal person I can be!
GM
GM
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
Ann Great post
Further, I felt like an outsider when in the company of so called normal people. I could no longer relate to their normal lives or plans they were making. I looked like them - but I could no longer relate to them.
Normal people don't deal with constant crisis after crisis, courts, prosecutors, lawyers, judges, arrests, car accidents, DUI, warrants, tickets, licenses suspensions, tears, fears, worry, drugs, fighting, despair, depression, anxiety, money issues, weird behavior, criminal activity, & on and on and on. Towards the end I just couldn't take any more of it.
Further, I felt like an outsider when in the company of so called normal people. I could no longer relate to their normal lives or plans they were making. I looked like them - but I could no longer relate to them.
Normal people don't deal with constant crisis after crisis, courts, prosecutors, lawyers, judges, arrests, car accidents, DUI, warrants, tickets, licenses suspensions, tears, fears, worry, drugs, fighting, despair, depression, anxiety, money issues, weird behavior, criminal activity, & on and on and on. Towards the end I just couldn't take any more of it.
SadDad, my prayers go out for your boy. My son also went to many rehabs and I was always grateful that he was at least trying. He could never hang on though, and has been missing, lost in his addiction somewhere for over 10 years now. I truly pray that your son does better. What got me off the crazy train was meeting, CoDA and Al-anon were my main meetings and I credit them both, and SR, for saving me from myself. I promise you that it's well worth the time and effort and that we CAN and DO learn to live a life worth living again.
Okay, a few more...
Normal people don't carry Clorox Wipes in their purse to wipe the phone when they talk to their son in jail....normal people don't even know where the jail is!
Normal people don't race for the cell phone bill when it arrives to see if their son has been calling the dealer again. Normal people let their adult children pay for their own cell phone and don't care what's on the bill.
Normal people look normal, act normal and live a normal life. I didn't even know how to look normal once I lost myself in my codependency.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
You paint such a vivid picture of codependency. A mother kicking down the door of a crack house to rescue her son- as if that would be the end of it all, the happily ever after.
I remember marching my then-husband down to his doctor's office to demand he stop prescribing him oxycontin. He initially refused, and I looked him square in the eyes and said, "You're probably on that stuff too, aren't you?" It was so unlike my meek little self. It was bravery! And it worked! The doc changed his tune and agreed to put a note in his file that ex was addicted and needed a different prescription. Unfortunately...
Ex moved on to meth. And is still abusing opiates, just not oxycontin.
We can't save them.
Also, I too, must credit some of my awakening to Anvilhead's "tell it like it is" policy. Her advice was not always welcome and I often wasn't ready for it, but I needed it.
I remember marching my then-husband down to his doctor's office to demand he stop prescribing him oxycontin. He initially refused, and I looked him square in the eyes and said, "You're probably on that stuff too, aren't you?" It was so unlike my meek little self. It was bravery! And it worked! The doc changed his tune and agreed to put a note in his file that ex was addicted and needed a different prescription. Unfortunately...
Ex moved on to meth. And is still abusing opiates, just not oxycontin.
We can't save them.
Also, I too, must credit some of my awakening to Anvilhead's "tell it like it is" policy. Her advice was not always welcome and I often wasn't ready for it, but I needed it.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Whenever I visit my mom’s house and am confronted by something bizarre, like sib passed out on the kitchen floor or a window pulled completely out of its frame (how did THAT happen? No one knows. It’s a mystery) , that is the first thing that comes into my mind:”Normal people don’t live like this.”
We currently have 3 grocery carts in the garage, purloined from various businesses to carry whiskey home.
Normal.
Right.
We currently have 3 grocery carts in the garage, purloined from various businesses to carry whiskey home.
Normal.
Right.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I see myself in all the posts here. Hechosedrugs, I can feel your detetmination when you faced that doctor...really, I can "feel" it because it's the same feeling that got me to the crack house door and a feeling I carried around inside me for years. It's a perfect mix of fear and anger that erupts like a volcano when we strike back at addiction. I used to have night terrors about the angel of death and would wake up screaming and fighting it off.
I am pretty sure everyone here has had that feeling.
Normal people would have no idea what I was talking about. I pray they never find out first hand.
I am pretty sure everyone here has had that feeling.
Normal people would have no idea what I was talking about. I pray they never find out first hand.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Maudcat, yes, normal people don't have a collection of stolen carts. They don't hide stolen bikes under the back deck either.
Looking back I wonder how I became abnormally normalized to that life. I was raised in a peaceful Christian home where even alcohol was never kept. At what point did the shock turn into numbness?
Looking back I wonder how I became abnormally normalized to that life. I was raised in a peaceful Christian home where even alcohol was never kept. At what point did the shock turn into numbness?
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi (((Ann))) - so happy to see you here and still talking about recovery.
Normal people can trust their spouse! Normal people aren't trying to drug test their husband! How sick is that?? Normal people aren't hitting redial on the phone to see if he just called his dealer. And when the dealers number is the last number dialed, they don't even bother asking the addict. They already know the truth. Normal people accept reality and don't try too make sense out of nonsense (insanity)
Normal people can trust their spouse! Normal people aren't trying to drug test their husband! How sick is that?? Normal people aren't hitting redial on the phone to see if he just called his dealer. And when the dealers number is the last number dialed, they don't even bother asking the addict. They already know the truth. Normal people accept reality and don't try too make sense out of nonsense (insanity)
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
My abnormally normal experience doesn’t seem quite as bad as others here, yet still ‘abnormal’... so here goes:
Arranging to meet my son in a cafe for lunch and he doesn’t show up. I finally get hold of him and we meet and he’s drunk.
Discovering my son has my bank card and I need it to buy groceries. Locate him in the pub... he walks out of the pub towards me drunk.
Arrange to meet my son at my house after we’ve both been to the gym and have lunch together. His pupils are dilated and he’s drunk and stoned... he didn’t go to the gym.
Walking on eggshells in my home trying to make the atmosphere pleasant around my son, cooking nice meals, buying him whatever he says he needs to ‘help’ him get his life on track and earn a living. All the time working hard running my business to earn money for us both... and he spends half the day at the gym (or so I thought) and the rest going out for ‘walks’ to get drunk and high on dope. Feeling exhausted and drained all the time. Life revolves around him and his moods and ‘needs’.
Suffer panic attacks when he threatens to ‘make arrangements’ to leave because I’m not doing enough for him or giving enough. Trying to help him and feeling guilty for saying no to some unreasonable requests, knowing that he’ll go into a mood and cause an atmosphere.
A 37 year old treating his mother like a piece of ****. Starts helping himself to money in my account because he thought it was ‘okay’ to do so.
Finally I ‘made arrangements’ for him to leave. His father picked him up exactly a month ago. As his father wasn’t helping me out and ignoring me, coming down at weekends to take our adult son out to the pub and dinner and drinks, I thought he could have the problem. It was a relief when my son left. At the same time I felt such grief and a sense of loss.
It was so painful for me and I was so very sad for weeks and still am when I think about it all. Which is often. My son hasn’t contacted me since. He swore he’d never contact me again. My therapist told me not to contact him and I haven’t. I’ve let go. The best decision I’ve made even though I’m still hurting deeply.
Each day I get stronger and healthier and get my ‘normal’ life back. I’m socialising more, doing my work and not going around thinking I have to keep a secret or have to give more and do more if I want to keep my little ‘family’ unit - At one time we were a close one parent family and I loved and protected him growing up. He’d never protect me in my old age. He’s never done a thing to help me.
I tried to be the best mother in the world to that child. I failed miserably... something went wrong.
I am letting him go now. I am trying hard to get used to normal.
Ann - thank you. You’ve been a great mentor to me.
Arranging to meet my son in a cafe for lunch and he doesn’t show up. I finally get hold of him and we meet and he’s drunk.
Discovering my son has my bank card and I need it to buy groceries. Locate him in the pub... he walks out of the pub towards me drunk.
Arrange to meet my son at my house after we’ve both been to the gym and have lunch together. His pupils are dilated and he’s drunk and stoned... he didn’t go to the gym.
Walking on eggshells in my home trying to make the atmosphere pleasant around my son, cooking nice meals, buying him whatever he says he needs to ‘help’ him get his life on track and earn a living. All the time working hard running my business to earn money for us both... and he spends half the day at the gym (or so I thought) and the rest going out for ‘walks’ to get drunk and high on dope. Feeling exhausted and drained all the time. Life revolves around him and his moods and ‘needs’.
Suffer panic attacks when he threatens to ‘make arrangements’ to leave because I’m not doing enough for him or giving enough. Trying to help him and feeling guilty for saying no to some unreasonable requests, knowing that he’ll go into a mood and cause an atmosphere.
A 37 year old treating his mother like a piece of ****. Starts helping himself to money in my account because he thought it was ‘okay’ to do so.
Finally I ‘made arrangements’ for him to leave. His father picked him up exactly a month ago. As his father wasn’t helping me out and ignoring me, coming down at weekends to take our adult son out to the pub and dinner and drinks, I thought he could have the problem. It was a relief when my son left. At the same time I felt such grief and a sense of loss.
It was so painful for me and I was so very sad for weeks and still am when I think about it all. Which is often. My son hasn’t contacted me since. He swore he’d never contact me again. My therapist told me not to contact him and I haven’t. I’ve let go. The best decision I’ve made even though I’m still hurting deeply.
Each day I get stronger and healthier and get my ‘normal’ life back. I’m socialising more, doing my work and not going around thinking I have to keep a secret or have to give more and do more if I want to keep my little ‘family’ unit - At one time we were a close one parent family and I loved and protected him growing up. He’d never protect me in my old age. He’s never done a thing to help me.
I tried to be the best mother in the world to that child. I failed miserably... something went wrong.
I am letting him go now. I am trying hard to get used to normal.
Ann - thank you. You’ve been a great mentor to me.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
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Originally Posted by Codimum
I tried to be the best mother in the world to that child. I failed miserably... something went wrong.
I am letting him go now. I am trying hard to get used to normal.
I am letting him go now. I am trying hard to get used to normal.
Like you, I thought if I gave my so a loving safe home, direction and opportunity (my husband employed him...and he stole from his business too), I thought that with strong boundaries and "family" values, that he would want to turn his life around. It never worked, not once, all that happened is that addiction moved into our safe zone, our home, and turned it into a war zone.
Addiction has no mercy, it tears families apart, steals our children and leaves pain and sadness in its path wherever it goes.
Each day I get stronger and healthier and get my ‘normal’ life back. I’m socialising more, doing my work and not going around thinking I have to keep a secret or have to give more and do more if I want to keep my little ‘family’ unit -
You are on the right path, I promise you that it does get easier. Your son will do better or not do better, the outcome is not in our hands. It never was.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Hi (((Ann))) - so happy to see you here and still talking about recovery.
Normal people can trust their spouse! Normal people aren't trying to drug test their husband! How sick is that?? Normal people aren't hitting redial on the phone to see if he just called his dealer. And when the dealers number is the last number dialed, they don't even bother asking the addict. They already know the truth. Normal people accept reality and don't try too make sense out of nonsense (insanity)
Normal people can trust their spouse! Normal people aren't trying to drug test their husband! How sick is that?? Normal people aren't hitting redial on the phone to see if he just called his dealer. And when the dealers number is the last number dialed, they don't even bother asking the addict. They already know the truth. Normal people accept reality and don't try too make sense out of nonsense (insanity)
I know your story, I know your pain and how very hard you tried to instill the voice of reason to change an impossible unreasonable addiction.The phone is a great tool for us codependents...or the devil's tool. I provided and paid for my adult son's phone so I could keep track of him though the bills and looking on the call log...where he was and who he called. How sick is that? When he "lost" aka "sold" his phone, I bought him a new one because I "needed" to be able to keep track of what he was doing.
Not only wasn't this normal, this was the crazy train and I was driving it down the Crazytown track. ME, not my son, ME. I was responsible for my crazy behaviour just like my son was responsible for his. What a hard, surprising lesson that was to learn.
Normal people take cooking classes. Abnormally normal people like me go to meetings and try to find their sanity again.
Perhaps that's a blessing, I never could bake!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
The other day when listening to cable news and discussions on recent events re: violence, drugs, etc., in the US today -- bad memories from 10 years past were triggered (son, his friends, criminal activities, drugs, violence), memories I had gladly forgotten.
Every day is one more day away from that madness that was and I am now enjoying "normal," liking stability, and embracing the peace and quiet I've finally come to experience.
Every day is one more day away from that madness that was and I am now enjoying "normal," liking stability, and embracing the peace and quiet I've finally come to experience.
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Anaya
Everyday is one more day away from that madness that was and I am now enjoying "normal," liking stability, and embracing the peace and quiet I've finally come to experience.
This brings a good thought, Anaya, we can and DO overcome our abnormally normal life. Perhaps, we are better for the lessons we learned, perhaps we have acquired an appreciation of serenity, nature, good health...that "normal" people may never know.
I know I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be, I am wiser for the journey and will never fall into that dark hole again, and just waking up and listening to the birds sing and watching a sunrise over the river or laying in bed at night and looking at the moon through the pines, all these things I will never take for granted and each one makes my soul grateful to have another shot of "getting it right".
I say a prayer each morning, turning my son's care over to God and then I live my day in faith, knowing that He can do for my so what I cannot. It's in His hands now...in fact, it always was.
It may not have been the "normal" journey, but holding hope that I could overcome all this and become a better person was the light that led me through many of my days, a light held by those who went before me until I could find my own.
Normal people may not know the darkness we each have known, but they don't know the light we feel either.
I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars. ~Og Mandino
Nature Girl
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Normal people don't know who Og Mandino is...or Melodie Beattie...or Bill Wilson...or any of the greats whose light we turn to.
Normal people don't hide their valuables when visitors come, or take inventory of what is where...even years after recovery.
Normal people don't hide their valuables when visitors come, or take inventory of what is where...even years after recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
I’m so glad to hear you’re living joyfully and peacefully now Ann. It’s such a painful process... but I have faith that one day I will get to the joyful place too... one day at a time.
Looking back, I think I stayed in denial so long to try and have ‘normal’. But trying to maintain ‘normal’ was just an act... one that drained my spirit and my bank account and left me exhausted. Just so that my son could maintain his addiction... madness!
Looking back, I think I stayed in denial so long to try and have ‘normal’. But trying to maintain ‘normal’ was just an act... one that drained my spirit and my bank account and left me exhausted. Just so that my son could maintain his addiction... madness!
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
I have been thinking about this a lot today, after reading it last night.
Hardlessons - your comment about being partially to blame for the abnormal really hit home. It gave me a moment of... Yes I have the power to stop this (or at least some!)
Normal people's first thought in the morning isn't "did my AH get up for work this morning?"
Normal wives probably enjoy the peace when their husband goes out for the evening rather than spending the whole evening worrying about what ifs
Normal people can plan for a future and spend money when they have it, rather than hide it away incase another debt emerges
Normal people can have 2 way conversations with their spouse
Normal people can go to bed and fall asleep at a reasonable time and have a decent nights sleep
Normal people don't need to check their husband's phone bill and then listen to quacking about the 2 calls to a drug dealer being a chat and catch up
I feel like I could go on forever!! I also feel like reading this thread and writing some of mine out has put things into perspective a bit for me. Thank you!
Hardlessons - your comment about being partially to blame for the abnormal really hit home. It gave me a moment of... Yes I have the power to stop this (or at least some!)
Normal people's first thought in the morning isn't "did my AH get up for work this morning?"
Normal wives probably enjoy the peace when their husband goes out for the evening rather than spending the whole evening worrying about what ifs
Normal people can plan for a future and spend money when they have it, rather than hide it away incase another debt emerges
Normal people can have 2 way conversations with their spouse
Normal people can go to bed and fall asleep at a reasonable time and have a decent nights sleep
Normal people don't need to check their husband's phone bill and then listen to quacking about the 2 calls to a drug dealer being a chat and catch up
I feel like I could go on forever!! I also feel like reading this thread and writing some of mine out has put things into perspective a bit for me. Thank you!
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Princessofhope, you do have the power to change this. Change doesn't depend on our addicted loved ones changing, it begins with us and we don't have to fo it alone. We all walk together here holding each other up and cheering each other on.
Our circumstances brought out the worst in us. Our recovery will heal the wounds and make us stronger. You can count on that.
Normal people will notice our change and wonder how we did it. If we told them they would never "get it". Not in a million normal years.
Our circumstances brought out the worst in us. Our recovery will heal the wounds and make us stronger. You can count on that.
Normal people will notice our change and wonder how we did it. If we told them they would never "get it". Not in a million normal years.
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