New.. tired, broken and depleted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
New.. tired, broken and depleted
I joined today out of utter exhaustion.
I won’t get into specifics because as we all know addicts are capable of inflicting pain beyond comprehension.
My husband has been on and off the recovery train for as far back as I care to remember. In my nieve mind, I let little red flags in the beginning go. Come to find out he was full on using heroin for months behind my back and I didn’t find out until a few months after the wedding. Apparently he’s been a heroin addict for years.. My God... Aside from the heroin use, he was addicted to crack cocaine, Percocet, powder cocaine, adderall, you name it, he was abusing it. Thank God we share no children. I feel compelled to share that I am very bitter and angry. I feel cheated and lied to on a constant basis. Currently my husband is in withdraw from Suboxone. Smh.. I’m almost certain he will use to compensate for the withdrawal pains. Where does this leave me?! Sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of my life orbiting around his addiction. I hate him for tricking me. I hate him for leaving in the middle of the night to smoke crack with prostitutes and having a sick sexual deviant personality... funny because he can barely hold an errection due to the massive amounts of toxins flowing through his veins at all times.. I hate him for stealing from me, I hate him for lying and not being the man he promised he was. I hate him for not holding a steady job, but mostly I hate myself. The once vibrant young beautiful intelligent woman i once was is gone. I have to get out. My sanity is hanging by a half of a thread. I deserve so so much more. Addiction is not something I can contend with and I certainly do not even want to attempt to try. I’m sorry if I sound like an illiterate monster.. I just can’t.. I can’t handle anymore. I’m so defeated that I don’t even know which direction to look in order to gather my thoughts and self. It feels like I’m picking up the broken pieces of my life and trying to glue them back together, but the pieces are so small that I can’t muster the streangth to move on. I once saw the world with such optimism! Colors were bright and vibrant. Everyday was and adventure! Now... the seedy underworld that I live in is the saddest shade of gray. It’s hazy and bleak.. the man I chose to walk beside me is a zombie. What did I do? I know that my destiny is in my own hands, it’s just so hard to dig out of a hole this deep. I’m in hell.
I won’t get into specifics because as we all know addicts are capable of inflicting pain beyond comprehension.
My husband has been on and off the recovery train for as far back as I care to remember. In my nieve mind, I let little red flags in the beginning go. Come to find out he was full on using heroin for months behind my back and I didn’t find out until a few months after the wedding. Apparently he’s been a heroin addict for years.. My God... Aside from the heroin use, he was addicted to crack cocaine, Percocet, powder cocaine, adderall, you name it, he was abusing it. Thank God we share no children. I feel compelled to share that I am very bitter and angry. I feel cheated and lied to on a constant basis. Currently my husband is in withdraw from Suboxone. Smh.. I’m almost certain he will use to compensate for the withdrawal pains. Where does this leave me?! Sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of my life orbiting around his addiction. I hate him for tricking me. I hate him for leaving in the middle of the night to smoke crack with prostitutes and having a sick sexual deviant personality... funny because he can barely hold an errection due to the massive amounts of toxins flowing through his veins at all times.. I hate him for stealing from me, I hate him for lying and not being the man he promised he was. I hate him for not holding a steady job, but mostly I hate myself. The once vibrant young beautiful intelligent woman i once was is gone. I have to get out. My sanity is hanging by a half of a thread. I deserve so so much more. Addiction is not something I can contend with and I certainly do not even want to attempt to try. I’m sorry if I sound like an illiterate monster.. I just can’t.. I can’t handle anymore. I’m so defeated that I don’t even know which direction to look in order to gather my thoughts and self. It feels like I’m picking up the broken pieces of my life and trying to glue them back together, but the pieces are so small that I can’t muster the streangth to move on. I once saw the world with such optimism! Colors were bright and vibrant. Everyday was and adventure! Now... the seedy underworld that I live in is the saddest shade of gray. It’s hazy and bleak.. the man I chose to walk beside me is a zombie. What did I do? I know that my destiny is in my own hands, it’s just so hard to dig out of a hole this deep. I’m in hell.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Where does this leave me?! Sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of my life orbiting around his addiction.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of helpful information and clearly see that you are no longer alone...we all walk with you on this journey.
My son is my addicted loved one, so it's different for me...and yet we all feel the same pain and end up on the same road of recovery for ourselves.
Many here will welcome you and share their stories. Please make yourself comfortable and know that we care.
I too found recovery when I was broken, exhausted and just could not do one more day of living the way I had been living. I call that our "enough" point, the end of us living in the problem (their addiction) and the beginning of us living in the solution (our own recovery).
I am glad you found us.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Ann 
Melissa, you came to the right place and you may not realize it right now, but reaching out to others who have been where you are and truly understand your pain, is a big step, a great beginning for your own recovery.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of helpful information and clearly see that you are no longer alone...we all walk with you on this journey.
My son is my addicted loved one, so it's different for me...and yet we all feel the same pain and end up on the same road of recovery for ourselves.
Many here will welcome you and share their stories. Please make yourself comfortable and know that we care.
I too found recovery when I was broken, exhausted and just could not do one more day of living the way I had been living. I call that our "enough" point, the end of us living in the problem (their addiction) and the beginning of us living in the solution (our own recovery).
I am glad you found us.
Hugs
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of helpful information and clearly see that you are no longer alone...we all walk with you on this journey.
My son is my addicted loved one, so it's different for me...and yet we all feel the same pain and end up on the same road of recovery for ourselves.
Many here will welcome you and share their stories. Please make yourself comfortable and know that we care.
I too found recovery when I was broken, exhausted and just could not do one more day of living the way I had been living. I call that our "enough" point, the end of us living in the problem (their addiction) and the beginning of us living in the solution (our own recovery).
I am glad you found us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are right....you did not sign up for this.......and NO ONE is cut out for living it!!! he married you under false pretenses, that may be grounds for annulment. this i don't know, only speculating. but seeing an attorney and filing are some of the very best steps you can take.
along with getting some F2F support.....SR here IS great, but there is nothing quite like human contact. have you heard of Alanon and Naranon - support groups for the friends and families of addict/alcoholics? or have you considered some 1 on 1 counseling? being in the midst of others who have "been there and done that" is in and of itself quite healing.
you are not alone.
along with getting some F2F support.....SR here IS great, but there is nothing quite like human contact. have you heard of Alanon and Naranon - support groups for the friends and families of addict/alcoholics? or have you considered some 1 on 1 counseling? being in the midst of others who have "been there and done that" is in and of itself quite healing.
you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you are right....you did not sign up for this.......and NO ONE is cut out for living it!!! he married you under false pretenses, that may be grounds for annulment. this i don't know, only speculating. but seeing an attorney and filing are some of the very best steps you can take.
along with getting some F2F support.....SR here IS great, but there is nothing quite like human contact. have you heard of Alanon and Naranon - support groups for the friends and families of addict/alcoholics? or have you considered some 1 on 1 counseling? being in the midst of others who have "been there and done that" is in and of itself quite healing.
you are not alone.
along with getting some F2F support.....SR here IS great, but there is nothing quite like human contact. have you heard of Alanon and Naranon - support groups for the friends and families of addict/alcoholics? or have you considered some 1 on 1 counseling? being in the midst of others who have "been there and done that" is in and of itself quite healing.
you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi Melissa
I am very sorry for your situation.
I want you to know you are not alone. SR is filled with caring people who completely understand you. People who can help you.
I am sorry to read your story. But it is a story I understand. I have my own ugly story. We have all been in that vey broken place. I have personally seen the colorless grey world which you describe. I totally understand being weak & exhausted.
But I want you to know there is hope for you. Please read on the SR forums. You will find understanding (as I did). Education concerning addiction is a fundamental key to unlock our healing process.
I hope you are able to remove yourself from being in the trenches with your addict. Time away will help you (as it did me). Time away from all the crazy drama will help you heal.
Addiction to hard drugs is extremely destructive. It destroys everything in its path.
Again I am very sorry for your experience. I am glad you found SR . You will find understanding, great advice, & comfort here.
Thanks
I am very sorry for your situation.
I want you to know you are not alone. SR is filled with caring people who completely understand you. People who can help you.
I am sorry to read your story. But it is a story I understand. I have my own ugly story. We have all been in that vey broken place. I have personally seen the colorless grey world which you describe. I totally understand being weak & exhausted.
But I want you to know there is hope for you. Please read on the SR forums. You will find understanding (as I did). Education concerning addiction is a fundamental key to unlock our healing process.
I hope you are able to remove yourself from being in the trenches with your addict. Time away will help you (as it did me). Time away from all the crazy drama will help you heal.
Addiction to hard drugs is extremely destructive. It destroys everything in its path.
Again I am very sorry for your experience. I am glad you found SR . You will find understanding, great advice, & comfort here.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
Stay strong Melissa. Divorce him and get out of that horrid situation. You will heal and recover in time. One day at a time. Every morning say the serenity prayer and keep posting here.
Everyone here on SR has helped me on the road to recovery and I am so grateful. I was out of my mind with sadness and guilt.
You are right when you say you don’t know who he is anymore. That’s how I felt when my son come to stay for 3 months. I remembered the lively young boy who was always delightful growing up. It was just the two of us and we were such a happy little family. The man he’s become is a stranger to me... addiction changes people.
It’s hard to face the fact that he’s no longer the man you fell in love with. But you must see it for your own sake.
I found it so hard to think about myself and let my son go but these last few days, I have managed to let go and it has made a difference..... each day it gets a little more bearable and I’m not constantly thinking and worrying about him. . Im still very sad. You will be too. It comes in waves but Ann is right.
For years I tried to help my son get back on track with his life and nothing has helped him. In fact I enabled him. He’s still an alcoholic and a dope addict.
You can’t help your husband. But you can help yourself. Please do that.
Put emotions aside and do what needs to be done. All the best.
Everyone here on SR has helped me on the road to recovery and I am so grateful. I was out of my mind with sadness and guilt.
You are right when you say you don’t know who he is anymore. That’s how I felt when my son come to stay for 3 months. I remembered the lively young boy who was always delightful growing up. It was just the two of us and we were such a happy little family. The man he’s become is a stranger to me... addiction changes people.
It’s hard to face the fact that he’s no longer the man you fell in love with. But you must see it for your own sake.
I found it so hard to think about myself and let my son go but these last few days, I have managed to let go and it has made a difference..... each day it gets a little more bearable and I’m not constantly thinking and worrying about him. . Im still very sad. You will be too. It comes in waves but Ann is right.
For years I tried to help my son get back on track with his life and nothing has helped him. In fact I enabled him. He’s still an alcoholic and a dope addict.
You can’t help your husband. But you can help yourself. Please do that.
Put emotions aside and do what needs to be done. All the best.
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