Madlovelily81

I hate the fact that you still have control over my head. if in ask you a question about your cheating I expect for you to answer. I think I have the right to ask don't I? you expect me to wait until your on your 4 and 8 step. during that time I gonna act like nothing? I'm sorry I just can't!

SparkleKitty

When it comes to having a relationship with an addict, we often find ourselves lowering our expectations by degrees until we are settling for less than nothing.

It sounds like you might be hoping the person who hurt you to be the one who heals you. That's like going to the hardware store for bread.

Other people don't fix us, or complete us, or make us whole. That is a gift we can only give ourselves.

Ann

SparkleKitty said it so well, nobody has control over your head but you and I promise you, I know how crazy I felt too when my son just wouldn't/couldn't get clean long enough to admit and apologize for any of the zillion things he had done to hurt us.

So...what I had to do was to stop allowing him to hurt us. I found my own recovery, I learned to set boundaries and protect myself from his anger/tears/manipulation and I learned to heal and grow on my own.

The pain stops when you say it stops....not when he says it stops.

You're here asking for help, that's a huge step for your own recovery. Keep going, don't stop now, you are already on a good path.

Hugs

Madlovelily81

Thank you for them kind words

Madlovelily81

Thank you,
maybe u are right.

tomsteve

resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
i can relate to having someone live rent free in your head. 2 things that bugger me up when it happens:
-it only hurts me.
- the other person goes through their day without being bothered by it.

i want them to hurt,too. however, the majority of times theyre already hurting.
accepting,forgiving( still can be hard) and deciding to let go brings me peace.

Spence7471

This was/is my take on it too. I was not willing to wait until she was ready to come clean with me... why would i want old wounds reopened. I gave my wife an ultimatum the first week she was in rehab.... come clean to me about what you have done.. or we were done. My wife knew I was serious... she agreed to tell me (against the advice of her therapist). I wasn't interested in the dirty little details, but a general idea of what she had been doing/done. It helped me immensely... and was very difficult for her... but she was in a safe place where she was able to work thru the shame, hurt, guilt, etc...

Please understand, that i was prepared to walk away without knowing, but i was also willing to continue working on us if she told me something that was truly offensive actionwise... it was only fair.

Hechosedrugs

This was the difficult part for me, because my ex was so good at playing the part of loving husband. He had so many people fooled, especially me. On the outside, he was my biggest fan- so adoring, always singing my praises. Behind the scenes, of course, he was stealing my identity and racking up mounds of debt in my name, having an affair (or two or three), consorting with criminals, etc. I'd tell him my expectations- which were perfectly reasonable- and when he couldn't meet them, I'd lower them... but he still couldn't meet them, so I'd lower them again and again... you get the picture.

After I left him and did the hard work of rebuilding my life, and was doing so much better... I found another narcissist to chip away at my newly found self esteem. This one wasn't an addict, though, so I rationalized it was okay. Lowered expectations.

I keep reminding myself:

When you settle for less than you deserve, you'll end up getting even less than you settled for.

It does NOT get better.

I'm starting over again. REALLY going to try to break this bad habit of allowing men to treat me this way. I hope you do, too.

Madlovelily81

omg! yes! that's what I told him as well

OpheliaKatz

There are three things I think when I read this post. 1) If he's still in your head, he's taking up space in it rent-free and you should evict him. 2) Number 1 is easier said than done. I read an article today that said that heartbreak is best cured by taking an aspirin and trying to forget the other person entirely, rather than ruminating over what went wrong in the relationship. 3) I don't know if I agree with number 2 or not but I do know that I feel physically unwell if I spend too much time thinking about my exAH. I start to get a horrible sweaty feeling and I want to run away -- although from what, I don't know because we're not together anymore. I have also read that heartbreak is actually more dangerous to a woman's heart than a man's. I read that women are more likely to suffer from heart attacks and strokes following divorce or separation than men. Anecdotally, I also know a woman who had a stroke following a separation. Women are also more likely to remain single after divorce or separation than men. Women are also less happy in heterosexual relationships than men. Gosh. It's so bleak. I should stop reading these horrible articles. What I'm getting at is that you are probably feeling angry and I don't think that's a bad thing. The reason that I think anger is a good thing is because I know what unexpressed anger can do to your health. It can make you age very quickly. It can make you feel like you're having a heart attack too... or it can give you an actual heart attack. So, while it's not a good idea stay angry, it's a good idea to let yourself be angry when you need to be angry... and then do something self-soothing, like go for a vigorous swim. Eventually, you'll feel sad, then eventually settle on acceptance. But I would never deign to tell you how you should feel.

One of the things that has helped me most is that I no longer have expectations of anyone but myself. I used to expect a lot from myself, and by extension also other people. Now I just expect things of myself... and other people can live how they please and I don't judge them. I also don't have to let them impact me. It's certainly easier this way, although a bit lonely. Also, it's all easier said than done.

I hope that by sharing my thoughts, I have helped you somewhat. I like what Spence wrote. I would want to know too. But you have to follow up with actions. I am pretty sure my ex cheated on me, but after all that's said and done, it doesn't matter because it's over.

Madlovelily81

omg! yes! it's true because I'm over here crying every night while sleeps like an angel. i keep telling myself **** it! im out! but I jusst can't. i also come to a conclusion just like you, I don't expect too much of him, everyday that passes it hurts less.