Abby2690

Hi everyone.. I know it's been a little while since I've posted. Unfortunately I did get back with my coke addict boyfriend and trust me, I have tons of regret. I started seeing glimpses of who he was when I first met him. He was being extremely nice and thoughtful, stopped using for a few months, so I thought things were looking up.

Boy was I wrong. Out of no where he started using again and it was full force. His job started accusing him of having a drug problem, and instead of using that as a reason to stop he just continued to use, worse than ever before. He demanded that I have sex with him while he was high or he'd leave me because I "didn't care about pleasing him" and didn't care about his "needs." "It's always about you" is what he'd always say now. He told me it's all in my head and I never want to let loose and have fun.

I would be overcome with anxiety driving to his house and would call him and tell him nevermind that I think I'll just stay home. He would then tell me I owe him money for the coke he just purchased because he only got it so we could have sex. This was obviously I lie considering he started doing it daily again. I tried explaining to him time after time that I didn't want to have sexual relations with him while he's on drugs. When he was high he'd never finish and would want to go for hours. Then when my body started hurting he'd get mad claiming I stopped on purpose and it was my plan all along. He would ignore me for days after these occurrences as punishment.

He never forced himself on me or anything but it did get to the point where I felt like I was literally nothing more than a sexual object to feed his cocaine-fueled sex drive. That's all our relationship became.

I have reached my true breaking point where I can only look at him with disgust. He tells me he will no longer be nice to me because I don't want to please him. He says he can't guarantee he'll be able to be faithful. I have told hundreds of times I'd have sex with him while sober and he's not interested. As a girlfriend, it was making me feel like a failure. He kept telling me that he's never had a girlfriend so unsexual. He gets super paranoid and acts weird when he's high. I don't understand who in their right mind would want that. I've lost all sexual attraction to a man I once was so into. I've lost almost all feelings altogether honestly. The man I fell in love with now uses me as a prostitute pretty much. He won't even go out to eat anymore, won't leave the house, nothing. It's so sad. I know I've said before I was done, but it's really done this time. Of course, I am beyond heart broken but I am mostly mad at myself. Where has my self esteem gone? I've lost myself more than ever before.... But I have learned my lesson.

AnvilheadII

sounds like a real nightmare....i'm glad you woke up!

atalose

Someone on here shared this a while ago, we eventually become nothing more than a resource to them, money, food, shelter, a taxi, sex etc. when we chose to remain in a relationship with an active addict.

I am glad you see things are not new or different the 2nd time around and they won’t be the 3rd or 4th or 5th.

Take back your power by truly ending this, block him from contacting you with his crazy talk that has wreaked havoc on your self-esteem. Walking away and not looking back is how you will find yourself again.

Abby2690

Thank you to everyone who has ever replied to me on here. You have no idea how much it has truly helped me in my struggle. Some people just don't understand (family, friends, etc.) I apologize for not replying to others' posts or offering advice as well. My state of mind has not been the greatest and I feel as though my advice would just be hypocritical. I hope to heal and come back on here to help others just as you all have helped me.

AnvilheadII

bravely sharing your story DOES help others, Abby. i am glad you are here and glad you are safe now.

aliciagr

Im happy your turning a corner, and Im sure your shares will help others. In fact, when I first came here it would have helped me a lot to hear what you posted. Because I identify with what you went through. When my husband began using powder coke he was acting much the same. Being seen and treated as an object really messed with my mind and sense of self. Like nothing I had experienced before.

Abby2690

It's been so hard to accept. My mom even said to me "well do you think maybe he's just using you at this point?" And it was a little harder for me to see because it's not money or a house. And sometimes he'd be nice and just want to watch a movie. But most of the time he'd start fights with me just so that I'd get upset and give in to his high sex BS. He goes to work and comes home and gets high and demands sex. If it was up to him he'd have sex for hours... HOURS. It was terrible, absolutely terrible.

AnvilheadII

that's what coke does...........it had nothing to do with you.........except as an actual human participant. but it was also completely disrespectful and cold and i hope you NEVER allow yourself to be used like that again, EVER, with anyone.

TropicalWinter

Many hugs, I can relate to your pain very much. It's awful.

Hechosedrugs

Abby, thank you so much for this update. It's so important to drill into our codie minds that relapse is not only possible, but probable. I stayed with my now ex-husbannd for far too long because I couldn't accept that. With each lie and manipulation I lost a little piece of myself. BUT I have spent the last 2 years rebuilding, and my life is so much better than I could have ever imagined. You will get to that place, too.

Many blessings