Alcoholic and pot smoking adult son.
 

When my son was 24, he sent me an email informing me that he had been a heavy drinker and a compulsive dope smoker since the age of 17. He blamed me and to some extent his father. He’s now 37 and he’s still an alcoholic and compulsive dope smoker. All those years I took the blame and the guilt. I gave him money and lots of it to help him with rent and food and air fares and equipment. I tried so hard to help him him get his career going. We live in London but our son chose to live in America. He took dead end bar jobs from which he was either fired or walked out of. Long spells of unemployment. Time and again I gave him money for rent and food. I worried myself sick him being over there alone with no health insurance. I sent him thousands from my hard earned retirement savings. I did as much as I could to help him. I worked hard to give to him.

I let him come and live with me 3 months ago. I was relieved he was coming back to London. I said that I would help him. It was his last chance. I did everything I could to help him get on his feet here. I bought more equipment, paid for all the food, took him out to restaurants, bought him new clothes, gym membership and much more.

He wasn’t very pleasant to be around. Very moody. It was hard to have a conversation with him as he was always either praising himself or defending himself.

His father was giving him money too and I presume he used it to buy his alcohol. He always had money to go to the pub or the store for alcohol. I didn’t give it to him.

Despite the drinking, I thought he was trying hard and making an effort... or so it seemed.
He totally changed after 2 months living here. He found a dope supplier. So, he was drinking and pot smoking and started doing very little else apart from sleeping.

He started to take money from my account. Small amounts so that I wouldn’t notice. That’s when I had had enough. It was horrid to see him stoned and drunk sitting in his room. All those chances he’d had. Such a waste.

I asked him to leave. I told his father to pick him up. He didn’t want to leave because he had it so easy here with me. I spoilt him and made sure all his needs were met. The thanks I got for all my efforts... a ranting son who kept repeating that he was a ‘great son’ and that I was making him out to be some kind of monster. He wasn’t pleasant.

He packed his bags and he left with his father. Before he left he gave me a hug and thanked me. He tried one more time to make me feel sad and guilty before leaving. He did.

That was 2 weeks ago. He hasn’t been in touch. I’ve been getting through each day saying the serenity prayer and taking it one day at a time. I’m making progress. Today I felt almost back to normal. Though I know I’ll never be normal because I’m living with a broken heart. Such sadness. I hoped my son would work it out and succeed in life. I brought him up on my own from the age of 2. I adored him and devoted myself to him. He had the best education, the best music tuition. He had a good life and good opportunities. His father was very present in his life too. All his chances passed him by in a drunken doped up stupor. Girlfriends have kicked him out. He’s had a string of them. His life has been one of drifting from room to room and job to job in LA, New York and Portland. Rootless. Everything he owns, I bought him. He has nothing. All those years I blamed myself. He blamed me. What did I do wrong? I sent him to live with his father when he was 17 for two good reasons. He’s now back living with him. His father is a decent and hard working man. He gave his son everything he could. We gave too much to our only beloved son.

We were both in denial all those years. My ex husband is still in denial. I’ve tried to open his eyes but he stopped speaking to me. After 3 months of living with me, I know the reality of the situation. My son is clearly an irresponsible addict and he’s abused our love and our trust all these years to continue with addiction.

I don’t believe it’s a disease. I believe it’s a choice. He’s chosen his life. He’s chosen to be a lazy narcissistic addict.

I have been a very controlling mother. I’ve tried to fix him all those years. I’m codependent. I see that now. I’m in recovery. I’ taking care of myself one day at a time.

Thanks for reading.

Thank you for sharing. I understand you. Like I had in my posts, my son had a great childhood as well. I raised his sister the same way and she is the most beautiful daughter inside and out. Her heart is so big and loves her friends and would do anything for anyone. We went on numerous family vacations and had fun at home sleigh riding and playing. My son was my "right arm" for years. We could finish each others sentences and we would always be outside throwing football or playing with bugs, etc. We enjoyed our time together. Wasn't until he turned about 13 that things went down hill. I wish I could do over from that point. Very sad how our little boys turned out.
I know my son has a beautiful heart by how he treats animals. He is intelligent and driven. Was trying to save up for a down payment for a house with him and his girlfriend. So sad that the alcohol and weed ruined it for him.

Yes my son and I were very close and he loves animals and is still very kind hearted and sensitive too. He changed age 16. I met someone when he was 16 and he moved in to our home. He was a doctor and a very respectable man. I thought he’d be a good father figure for my son but there was jealousy that I didn’t know about until much later. My son started to drink around this point. He was supposed to be in school practicing his music but he would be out drinking with friends. One night he knocked on our neighbors door drunk. He was an old man. The old man sexually assaulted him. He was a pervert and we never knew. We’d only lived there a year but we were friendly with the old man. I had no idea and it broke my heart. I called the police and did all that but my son just wanted to put the incident behind him and not go to court. We moved very soon after. My son went to live with his father age 17. He was excited about going as they had a good relationship for the most part. I moved to France and remarried. I wasn’t happy there though as I missed my son dreadfully. At this time my father was dying of cancer too. I felt so down, missing my son and losing my father. I left my new husband. I returned to London to be near my son as I was so depressed at the way it all turned out.

My new husband divorced me for abandoning our marital home, my father died and my son changed completely. Although I returned my son didn’t want to see me much. His drinking and pot smoking had taken over. His father was too soft with him, gave him money and a car and he went out all the time. He is a very smart guy, went to university but only just scraped through because he was out drinking the whole time. After he graduated he flew to LA to study music. He is a gifted musician. He could have been very successful but the drinking and pot took priority. Age 25 he got married in haste to a beautiful American girl. They lived in an apartment owned by her father. She worked 2 jobs. My son didn’t work. He didn’t have a green card so I had to support him. I sent him money every month. After 3 months her father came and kicked him out and changed the locks. He was drinking daily and smoking pot, not working whilst she was working 7 days a week and she confided in her father how unhappy she was. He took action and kicked him out. She divorced him.

My son lived with a string of very nice girls over the next few years and it always ended the same way. He had a string of dead end jobs too, never lasting more than a few weeks or months at most. In New York he was an active musician but he was always broke and relied upon my generosity and others. The alcohol and pot started to take a very tight grip on him and I was sick with worry after visiting him and seeing how he lived.

He came home to England a few times over the years. I paid his air fare and baggage many times. He’s always been broke, living in horrible rooms or at girlfriends places if he was lucky.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve asked him to leave my home. It’s happened before. This was the longest time he’d stayed with me though. It always ended with me having to ask him to leave. I do have my boundaries. It was very difficult this last time but I was determined to help him and persevered. In my mind, I thought that if I could give him the gift of time to practice his music, he would be happy and stop his addictions and get his life back on track. I didn’t want him to return to America. He kept saying he was going back to America in April....Going back to no job, no place to live, no friends, no health insurance. No money. I realised he had given up aspirations to be a professional musician. At first he played every day and seemed to be trying hard but after Christmas he stopped playing. He was smoking pot every day, getting stoned and drunk. He started hoarding chocolates and cakes in his room and binging on those too. He’s always been a fitness fanatic and very careful to eat fresh food so this was really baffling to me.

It’s so very sad. He’s always blamed me and I absorbed the blame and carried the guilt all these years. I felt guilty about the old man, not knowing he was a pervert. I felt guilty for sending him to live with his father and getting married again. So much guilt. I never had another relationship. I’ve been alone over 20 years now. For over 20 years I have worried about my son. I can’t live this way anymore. I made a good career which has saved me but it’s been very lonely.

So, now I’m dealing with the codependency, one day at a time, one step at a time. It’s very painful but I have to work at it and try and recover. It’s time to think of myself and let my son live his life. Nothing I have done to help him has helped at all. It feels selfish to take care of myself and not him.

I’m dreading the phone call from him... asking me for money. Saying ‘no’ will hurt me so much. It will hurt me to know he’s suffering... really tough.

Sorry this is so long. I’m reminiscing tonight. I gave him my room when he came home and moved to the spare room so he would have more space for his instruments. I’ve been in the spare room these last couple of weeks now even though he’s not here anymore. I thought I would be brave enough to move back to my room tonight. His presence is still here though... so sad.

Codimum. None of this was your fault. I'm sorry for your pain and I'm glad you're getting support. I don't recall if you said you went to Naranon or Alanon? It might be helpful to go. There are many parents in your shoes. :grouphug:

I went to my first Alanon meeting last week and I’ll go every week now. It’s very supportive.

Before I begged my son to come home promising to help him, my friend’s son died. It traumatised me, thinking it could be my son. She lived in France but he lived in England. She hadn’t seen him for 8 years because he could be quite violent when drunk. He was an alcoholic and dope and cocaine addict. He was unemployed getting social security and lived in a room alone. He died in bed of a heart attack. Only 36. I felt so sorry for her. Too sad. My only thought was get my son home to try and save him from such a fate.

I realise finally that I can’t do that. He can only save himself. I have to save myself. I’m grief stricken but taking it one day at a time and slowly my pain might heal.

Hello Codimum

It is truly a very sad story for all of you. So many emotions all knotted together. It strikes me that there is so very much and for so long that it would be worthwhile to seek out some counselling. One to one therapy where you could just let it all out. I know of a great counselor near me who may know of someone near you if you're interested send me a PM.

Love light and peace to you Xx

Thank you for sharing. Best wishes on your road to peace and recovery. :grouphug:

I understand what you've expressed, have had my heart broken as well, have experienced similar with my son; I eventually decided that letting go and letting God was my best decision (not to say it was not agonizing or difficult to get through - but thank goodness for Soberrecovery and other support and information sources which helped greatly).

Hoping that at some point your son will choose recovery.

How is your son now Anaya?

Thank you everyone for your good wishes. My sadness comes in waves. Sometimes it allows me some respite and I almost feel normal. Coming on SR has been very helpful and supportive. Also knowing that I am not alone with this problem makes me feel less isolated.

I found a therapist Soberista. He drove 100 miles to talk to my son but before he arrived my son had gone to get his marijuana.? I ended up talking to him for a couple of hours. He’s a recovering addict himself. He told me that I needed to look after myself and pointed out a few things about my son’s manipulative behaviour and setting boundaries. I can always call him if I need to talk which is s very reassuring. I’ve been trying to cope with it on my own this week though, forcing myself to sit still in the evening and do the work instead of trying to keep busy to take my mind off it all. Yoga classes help. I also went to an opera live streaming last night on my own. I’ve looked into CoDa meetings in my area but I don’t think it is for me. I’m not sure I am codependent. I was just being an over caring mother and very controlling in the process. Does that make me codependent?

Well... I think "codependent" is only one way to say you were enmeshed with someone and the relationship was toxic. Some things about codependency resonate with me but some do not. So I was codependent in some ways, and not in other ways. You can say that you were a caring mother and very controlling the process... and anyone with a loved one who is an addict has done that. Melody Beattie's term "codependent" is just a label to describe some of the behaviors that don't work with addicts, but seem intuitive if the addict were simply a sick person who actually wanted help and who actually could heal if we helped them. Anyway, that's how I understand it. If you think it helps you to call your past behaviors (trying to help your son) "codependent", okay. If you want another word for it, I think that's okay too. I think you are doing the right thing, getting help and trying to heal. :grouphug:

He's 26, living on his own, working, and I truly don't know if he is getting high or drunk. When I see him at family get-togethers these days, he is sober.

In the time since I've joined and have made use of info from others here at SoberRecovery, I have gained peace. Keeping boundaries has helped me a lot, too.

Well, I've seen worse. I actually knew rich parents that would go so far as to buy their son rehab graduation presents. He got a brand new Jeep(which he crashed) for one, and a brand new Harley after another(which he drove into a pawn shop and asked how much can I get?) People looking at it from the outside can easily see the problem. The people involved can't.

His father asked me out to lunch. He said you went through what happened to you, and you're doing fine. What are we doing wrong? I said as long as you keep paying for everything he can't bottom out. You're literally killing him with kindness. These were the kind of parents that want their two sons to be successful even if it's a fake front. The kind that help set them up in business and every month pay the rent, the utilities, and all the other bills. Their other son owns an auto shop and if the parents went away, would be out of business in 30 days. That kind of thing.

The father took my advice and shut his son off. He's been sober for years now. Of course in the beginning it was all accusations and guilt, but the father held firm. He actually works for his fathers construction firm now. But his father is careful to not give him anything that he hasn't earned. They have a much better relationship.

I am so sorry for what your son has put you through. I hope you keep taking care of yourself. Print off what you wrote and refer back to it when he comes back, "wanting" from you. Loving someone from afar does not mean you love them any less, it just means having a relationship them them is simply too toxic to have.

Welcome Codimum. You will find so much support here from other Mums and Dads who have walked this path before. I am a Mother to a 8 year Heroin addict who is currently in recovery. It was a very long and very painful path for me until 2014 when I finally had been lied to, stolen from and guilted to no end before I realized how much I contributed to the problem. I made my 24 year old son get out of my home. He bounced around several rehabs and sober livings, sometimes I would assist and sometimes I would not, but I found that my peace happened when I realized that I wasn't making one hill of beans difference. My son FINALLY had enough last May. After his umpteenth recovery home and relapse, he went back to where he found sobriety his first time. NOW he is truly embracing his recovery. I see him on the weekends and he is saving to buy a car. he has stopped asking for help and that is truly amazing. He is now 27 almost 28. It took him many tries, but when I got out of the way and stopped being there to fix it every time, it really made a difference for me. Keep seeking help and keep posting here. God bless you and I pray your son realizes it is his life and how he chooses to live will have consequences.

Thank you so much for all your support. It’s encouraging to hear that some of your sons have recovered. I was in denial so long!

It’s partly because for the past 12 years or so he’s lived in America and he’s only been home about once a year for short spells of a couple of weeks. He drank heavily at those times but I didn’t notice the drugs. It was only these last 3 months that he stayed with me that I could no longer deny the truth. His entire focus was on drinking. If I took him out for a drive and lunch, I’d ask if he’d like to stop for lunch and he’d say he wasn’t hungry but could use a drink. Once I took him out for lunch and he drank 2 pints before it arrived. He didn’t even ask me if it was okay, as I was paying. Then he’d want to go on to another bar afterwards and the last drink ended up being 4 drinks on my bill. He always manipulated me to buy him drinks if I took him out to lunch or dinner. Then he’d go to the store and buy more to take to his room. At Christmas I bought 2 bottles of wine for lunch and dinner. He insisted we went to the local bar to chat to the locals before lunch where he had 2 more large drinks and then more when we got home so that there wasn’t much left for dinner. After that I stopped buying wine for dinner at home. I told him that January would be a dry month and he seemed to agree with that. I don’t think he lasted a day. His father kept coming down at weekends and taking him out for lunch and dinner and more drinks.

Then he discovered his cousin in a nearby town smoked pot and he started going there on the bus regularly and I think that’s when he went totally downhill and stealing from my account. One Sunday I came home from yoga class and knocked on his bedroom door. He was completely drunk and stoned and his room stank of drugs. When I showed concern he grinned at me ... it really upset me to see him in such a horrid state. The next day he looked terrible and could hardly get through the day. When I called him for dinner I found him in bed.

His days consisted of going to the gym and coming home at around noon, having lunch and going to his room. Then he kept getting his coat on and going out for ‘walks’ several times a day and in the evening.

He said he was studying his music but he wasn’t doing anything. He seemed to be working on his music for about 6 weeks before Christmas and I thought he was going to be okay. After Christmas when he found his dope supplier, he never picked up his instruments again.

One day he said he was going to a recording studio with an old friend. I was really pleased about it. I let him drive the car to take all his equipment that I’d bought him. The following day he said he didn’t do any recording but he was getting used to the new equipment. He then said I had to pay his friend £20 for the studio hire. I transferred it to his friend’s account. Then afterwards I thought it might have been payment for drugs and that he never did anything in the recording studio.

Before he came home in November I trusted him. I never thought he would lie or steal. He was educated and well mannered. But he’d changed... I saw it but didn’t want to believe it. I wanted to help him get his music career on track and hoped it would make him happy and then the drink and drugs would go away.... such was my denial. I couldn’t bear to think of my son, the cutest child ever..... an alcoholic and drug addict. I think my denial was due to trying not to fragment my already broken heart. But then I couldn’t deny it anymore. I saw it. I tried to tell his father. He stopped speaking to me. So I tried to tell his uncle and he told me to stop bothering him. I felt I was going crazy... that I was wrong. That I was making it all up... my mind was saying “he’s a heavy drinker and he smokes pot occasionally... so do many young people. It’s not a big deal.” My son accused me of making him out to be a monster when he was a ‘great son’... and that made me feel guilty for thinking he was alcoholic and addicted to pot. Crazy making!

But the facts were there when I opened my eyes..... drifting from one dead end job to another, one girlfriend to another, over the years bring kicked out, constantly calling me for money for rent and food... hundreds and thousands sometimes. It all became clear when he came home. His lazy lifestyle, his narcissism and the strained interaction. He couldn’t hide it from me because he was in my home for longer.

After I’d discovered the pot smoking and stealing from my account, I messaged his father to come and pick him up. I gave him no choice. His father was letting me deal with the problem by myself and refusing to speak to me to discuss anything. I was isolated with this bully of a son in my house. I thought that if my son lived with his father for a few weeks he’d see the alcoholic and dope addict our son had become. My son didn’t want to go but I think in the end he realised that I’d be watching him like a hawk and putting boundaries in place if he stayed, and so he decided to go. As he was packing he said he was tired of my ‘f****ing’ family and his father’s family were ready to ‘welcome him with open arms’. Again making me feel that I was wrong and crazy.

He left and I tried to be brave. My heart fragmented. I’m going to try and live with it and try and recover from my ordeal. I really am going to try.

Thank you for your support. It means a lot.

Hi Codimum. Is there a possibility that you could find a counselor for you alone? Not an ex addict or someone to talk to your son but someone that you can confide in and whose sole focus is on helping you. I have a friend in a similar-ish situation...son, 26, drug addict, psychotic, keeps coming back to her etc. I saw her on Sunday and we talked about something i had read on another thread about being "culpable". Indirectly responsible. There are so many feelings stitched into, and with, these situations that regardles of your sons mental health your mental health is so important too. Xx

Yes, I am thinking that I need someone to talk to about all this.

My sister told me last night that my son has a ticket to return to Portland on March 22nd. It cut me up.

Thank you.

Soberista - Do you think I’m responsible for my son’s addictions?
What did I do to make him like this? I’m so sad.

The therapist said that I have to maintain no contact with my son.
Im heeding his advice. It hurts because he’s returning to Portland soon... back to his old routine. The therapist said that he will call me for money and I must stay firm and say no. That will be tough saying no if he has nowhere to live and no food over there. All on his own.

No not at all. I am not a counselor however some of the things you write, from an outsiders perspective would suggest that you need someone to talk to to unravel your own feelings about all of this. For example these are some of the sentences you have written (maybe if you see them independantly of the paragraph you will understand more why i came to this):

"All those years I blamed myself. He blamed me"

"I felt so down, missing my son and losing my father. I left my new husband. I returned to London to be near my son as I was so depressed at the way it all turned out."

"I was sick with worry after visiting him"

"He’s always blamed me and I absorbed the blame and carried the guilt all these years. I felt guilty about the old man, not knowing he was a pervert. I felt guilty for sending him to live with his father and getting married again. So much guilt. I never had another relationship. I’ve been alone over 20 years now. For over 20 years I have worried about my son. I can’t live this way anymore. I made a good career which has saved me but it’s been very lonely. "

There is a heck of a lot of guilt, blame, worry, loneliness in all of this and there is a life that you deserve to be living hence my earlier post. Having been through counselling it is very helpful.

Hope that makes sense now. Xx :grouphug:

Yes. I do feel guilt, loss, loneliness.... all those things. Thank you.

Dear Codi, I don't know if you have heard of the three C's:
You did not CAUSE it
You cannot CURE it
You cannot CONTROL it.

This helped me SO MUCH in understanding my MO with my sons addiction. Always trying to "fix" the situation so it would fix my son. Always expecting a magical cure because I got him into rehab or sober living. Always Always Always controlling the outcome. It is so exhausting for sure. Keep going to your meetings and sharing how you feel. Many of us have been here and are here for you.
TT

Codimum, I am another mother of an adult addicted son, mine is in his early 40's now and continues the journey he has been on since he was about 25 of addiction/recovery/relapse...and he has been missing lost in his addiction for over 10 years.

What gets me though my days is saying a prayer each morning when I ask God to do for my son what I cannot. Then I live my day in faith that He will. CoDA was my 12-step group for many years until we moved and the support here on SR have seen me through many dark days.

For years I would let my son come home and then end up asking him to leave because it never once worked out, it turned my "safe place" into a war zone and it put ME in danger when he would hide drugs in my home or stolen items that I knew nothing about.

Over time I learned a lot...I will share my most important lessons.

1. WE are not the only solution, WE are not even a good one. There is help out there all over the place for our sons, real help that will take them in if they just show up and ask...detox, meetings of AA, NA, CA and many more groups, and rehabs. The Salvation Army Recovery Program is very good, usually 3 months to a year and it doesn't cost anything!! The success of this (and other) programs is usually directly related to the resident's willingness to work it.

2. Nothing we say or do, or don't say or don't do, will make any difference at all in their effort to get clean and sober or their desire to keep using. If love could save our addicted children and partners, not one of us would be here. We simply do not have the power and thinking we do is an illusion that just may kill US before it ever saves our loved ones.

3. I needed to find my own recovery and save my life. His addiction was literally killing me with stress. I learned through my support, meetings and SR to stop living in the problem (his addiction) and to begin living in the solution (my own recovery). Once I did that, I regained my sanity, my hope for a brighter future and my life.

These three lessons brought me out of the darkness of codependency and into the light of recovery. I have never looked back and am grateful to all who went before me and lit my path until I could find my own light.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I know your pain and wish I could make it go away, but only you can do that. What I can do is promise you, from my heart to yours, that you CAN do better for yourself and the fact you are willing and reaching out is a good indication that you are already on your own road of recovery and don't even know it yet.

Just know we are all walking with you. You don't have to do any of this alone. We are here and we care.

Hugs

You have received great advice. Ann, BEAUTIFUL post. It took me YEARS to understand that I cannot save my daughter. The three C's and "let go or be dragged" finally sunk in my brain. That's when things started to change. Not for my daughter, but for ME. I can now get through a day without feeling like I am going to die. My daughter is doing better too, but only because I finally LET GO. Its a simple thing but the hardest thing to do. My prayers go out to you, I know how you feel, its terrible. Get yourself to a meeting, it does help, it takes time though.

Ann... my heartfelt thanks for your generous response and prayers.

Thank you everyone here for the support I am receiving. I am slowly beginning to see a light at the end of my dark tunnel. Time is my friend right now. Each day seems to bring a small morsel of serenity. And with it, the courage to change myself and be strong enough to say no when the time comes to have to say it to my son.

I’m going to start trying to make a few friends and get out and about more. I’ll keep going to Al Anon too.

Can I ask what may sound like a stupid question. When you say ‘working the steps’ what exactly does that mean?

Al-anon, CoDA (Codependents anonymous) and Nar-anon are all 12-step programs for US, they are about us and finding our footing again.

Don't worry too much about that right now, once you get settled and comfortable it's a good idea to choose someone from the group to be a sponsor, someone who will guide you through these steps and help you learn a healthier way to live.

The 12-step is a wonderful guide to living well and keeping our soul free.

This is from the 12-step sticky posts, take a read through and it may help you grasp what it's about. Don't worry about understanding it all right now, that's what having a sponsor is all about.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...raditions.html

I’m having a sad day today... really missing my son and feeling lonely. He hasn’t contacted me since he left on February 1st. I’m maintaining no contact but it’s really breaking my heart. The thought of him returning to America in 3 weeks time without seeing him is tearing me up.

Not doing great today.

:grouphug: I understand that walking through this is painful. Wishing you strength and peace and hoping that tomorrow is a better day for you.

Thank you Anaya. I must stay strong and continue to work on my own codependent recovery. I expect there will be good days and bad days. I’ll keep repeating the serenity prayer.

Totally understand being sad. This is your son. We are here for you. Keep your path Codimom. Your son knows you love him. Hugs
TT