Finding out your addict exbf cheated on you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Finding out your addict exbf cheated on you
Hi everyone,
It seems that the only time I ever write on the forum is when something bad happens. I should really post more positive posts next time.
Since my last post, things have been going a bit better for me. I felt as though i finally stepped out of the grieving phase and into the healing phase. Ive been keeping physically active, seeing my friends and family, listening to some GREAT podcasts,
( which i highly recommend doing!) and just accepting that we werent compatible, and that he was a lesson in my life that only helped me slowly start to discover bits of my true authentic self. I know EVERYONE says this-and truth be told i would roll my eyes at this-but TIME REALLY DOES HELP.
Anyway, up until today, i was feeling a littlw better, until i received a message from a complete stranger. This stranger asked me if i knew my ex and if i was his girlfriend. I said not anymore, and he told me that he slept with his wife in the summer of this year. He sent me picture evidence that the night he had sex with her, my ex sent her a message asking her if she was on the pill, and she said “no worries”. His wife told him everything, that they had unprotected sex in his car outside of his brother’s place.
My heart sank. I felt completely and utterly SHATTERED. The pain im feeling is undescribable and nothing like i felt beforw (even when i found out about his cocaine addiction and eventual breakup).
The man contacted my ex and my ex basically blamed it on being drunk and having a hard time with his dad’s death. He never ONCE told me and sworw up and down that he never cheated on me. The only one thing i believed.
Now i feel disgusting, betrayed, worthless. Not only did i have to deal with the breakup of my first only serious bf, the drug use, lies, manipulation, but cheating. What makes me feel even worst is that it was unprotected.
All i was thinking was:
How can you keep this from me all along??
How could you look me in the eyes everyday and tell me such beautiful things?
How could you violate my body and risk getting me sick? Possibly infertile, or even worst, cervical cancers brought by hpv?? How could you put me in such risk and not even apologize or feel the slightest bit of guilt??
Today is a bad day, filled with anger and disgust. I feel disgusted in my own skin. Hopefully itll get better in time, but i know ill have to start from scratch again in my healing process.
If anyone has gone through infidelity with an addict, what has helped you get through it? Are these actions of cocaine rewiring the brain, a narcissist, or both?
Thank you again for allowing me to share my story with you all, it really means a lot to have a safe space like this to come to for support.
It seems that the only time I ever write on the forum is when something bad happens. I should really post more positive posts next time.
Since my last post, things have been going a bit better for me. I felt as though i finally stepped out of the grieving phase and into the healing phase. Ive been keeping physically active, seeing my friends and family, listening to some GREAT podcasts,
( which i highly recommend doing!) and just accepting that we werent compatible, and that he was a lesson in my life that only helped me slowly start to discover bits of my true authentic self. I know EVERYONE says this-and truth be told i would roll my eyes at this-but TIME REALLY DOES HELP.
Anyway, up until today, i was feeling a littlw better, until i received a message from a complete stranger. This stranger asked me if i knew my ex and if i was his girlfriend. I said not anymore, and he told me that he slept with his wife in the summer of this year. He sent me picture evidence that the night he had sex with her, my ex sent her a message asking her if she was on the pill, and she said “no worries”. His wife told him everything, that they had unprotected sex in his car outside of his brother’s place.
My heart sank. I felt completely and utterly SHATTERED. The pain im feeling is undescribable and nothing like i felt beforw (even when i found out about his cocaine addiction and eventual breakup).
The man contacted my ex and my ex basically blamed it on being drunk and having a hard time with his dad’s death. He never ONCE told me and sworw up and down that he never cheated on me. The only one thing i believed.
Now i feel disgusting, betrayed, worthless. Not only did i have to deal with the breakup of my first only serious bf, the drug use, lies, manipulation, but cheating. What makes me feel even worst is that it was unprotected.
All i was thinking was:
How can you keep this from me all along??
How could you look me in the eyes everyday and tell me such beautiful things?
How could you violate my body and risk getting me sick? Possibly infertile, or even worst, cervical cancers brought by hpv?? How could you put me in such risk and not even apologize or feel the slightest bit of guilt??
Today is a bad day, filled with anger and disgust. I feel disgusted in my own skin. Hopefully itll get better in time, but i know ill have to start from scratch again in my healing process.
If anyone has gone through infidelity with an addict, what has helped you get through it? Are these actions of cocaine rewiring the brain, a narcissist, or both?
Thank you again for allowing me to share my story with you all, it really means a lot to have a safe space like this to come to for support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 16
I feel for you. It's the worst feeling in the world. I also recently left my coke addict bf. I also got a message from not one but many women he had not only slept with but seemed to have a relationship with.
The feelings of hurt, betrayal and discuss is overwhelming.
My advice....
Don't try to make sence of it. It will drive you mad. He is sick and unable to feel remorseful untill he gets sober. What he did to you was not out of spite. I be leave they truly are incapable of feeling. And did not in anyway mean to hurt you.
I always try to put myself in the others shoes. Really try to understand the pain and hurt they must be feeling. Because normal people do not purpusly hurt the ones they love.
I send you love and hugs.
The feelings of hurt, betrayal and discuss is overwhelming.
My advice....
Don't try to make sence of it. It will drive you mad. He is sick and unable to feel remorseful untill he gets sober. What he did to you was not out of spite. I be leave they truly are incapable of feeling. And did not in anyway mean to hurt you.
I always try to put myself in the others shoes. Really try to understand the pain and hurt they must be feeling. Because normal people do not purpusly hurt the ones they love.
I send you love and hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Thank you Shellart for your kind words.
It’s tough, and I try so hard to overcome it, but I feel like every 4 steps i take, i’ll take 3 steps back, even if no contact was initiated.
Truth me told, i’m not an “ignorance is bliss/id rather not know” kinda gal, because if i hadn’t known this, i could’ve risked my health and possibly the chance to build a family one day, so in some ways i feel grateful and blessed.
He keeps using his dad’s death as an excuse for all the mistakes he’s done. And although i feel great sympathy for him in that respect, i still find it awful that he uses that as a way to justify his bad behaviour.
I should also note that he has always been like this, way before cocaine. He always lied and manipulated me in the years when he never used, but like the codie i am, i found some weird justification to forgive him and stick by his side nonetheless. Its a bit sad looking back to see that.
He told me as a teen, he once broke up with his gf over the phone with no explanantion, just so he could have sex with another girl, then beg his ex back in the morning. Sort of in a “lawyer-esque” manipulating way.
That’s why i’m not sure anymore if its his personality, or his emotions, or past drug use. Its all so confusing.
Ive made an appointment with a doctor to get tested. Nothing scares me more than contracting something. Im only praying that he hasnt destroyed me physically...
It’s tough, and I try so hard to overcome it, but I feel like every 4 steps i take, i’ll take 3 steps back, even if no contact was initiated.
Truth me told, i’m not an “ignorance is bliss/id rather not know” kinda gal, because if i hadn’t known this, i could’ve risked my health and possibly the chance to build a family one day, so in some ways i feel grateful and blessed.
He keeps using his dad’s death as an excuse for all the mistakes he’s done. And although i feel great sympathy for him in that respect, i still find it awful that he uses that as a way to justify his bad behaviour.
I should also note that he has always been like this, way before cocaine. He always lied and manipulated me in the years when he never used, but like the codie i am, i found some weird justification to forgive him and stick by his side nonetheless. Its a bit sad looking back to see that.
He told me as a teen, he once broke up with his gf over the phone with no explanantion, just so he could have sex with another girl, then beg his ex back in the morning. Sort of in a “lawyer-esque” manipulating way.
That’s why i’m not sure anymore if its his personality, or his emotions, or past drug use. Its all so confusing.
Ive made an appointment with a doctor to get tested. Nothing scares me more than contracting something. Im only praying that he hasnt destroyed me physically...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That’s why i’m not sure anymore if its his personality, or his emotions, or past drug use. Its all so confusing.
I think at this point in time knowing the why isn’t going to change anything.
And the more you focus on his why’s and get farther down that rabbi hole the less time you offer yourself towards your own healing and your own recovery with codependency.
What he did has no reflection on you. Just like you can’t make him drug/drink you can’t make him cheat. He has character defects that prevent him from having a “normal loving, caring” relationship with you or with anyone for that matter.
This relationship ending is truly a blessing for you and once you begin to wrap your mind around that and see it as a gain and not a loss your whole attitude about yourself will change.
I think at this point in time knowing the why isn’t going to change anything.
And the more you focus on his why’s and get farther down that rabbi hole the less time you offer yourself towards your own healing and your own recovery with codependency.
What he did has no reflection on you. Just like you can’t make him drug/drink you can’t make him cheat. He has character defects that prevent him from having a “normal loving, caring” relationship with you or with anyone for that matter.
This relationship ending is truly a blessing for you and once you begin to wrap your mind around that and see it as a gain and not a loss your whole attitude about yourself will change.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 22
Thank you,
I’m just at a loss for words. It truly is a blessing that i am no longer in this hell hole of a relatioship. I am grateful for the people around me to help me get through this.
But it just hurts so much. Worst than at the beginning stages of the breakup.
I broke contact yesterday by sending him a message via my bank app as a reminder to pay me back. He was “surprised” that i hadnt received it yet and i basically said no and that i wanted it back, and that the woman who he f****d’s husband while we were together is trying to find him. He never spoke about that and only stuck to the convo of payment. Did not feel remorseful, or say sorry, he just completely ignored it.
I know it was wrong to break contact, but i actually realized then that he’s just an awful person. I’m embarrassed to say but my thoughts went to the deepest darkest place, i definitely wasnt thinking straight. I feel in my gut that it definitely wasnt the first time he had done it, and most likely woth others, and although i feel betrayed, i need to move on.
I think once the anger subsides ill be able to get there...
I’m just at a loss for words. It truly is a blessing that i am no longer in this hell hole of a relatioship. I am grateful for the people around me to help me get through this.
But it just hurts so much. Worst than at the beginning stages of the breakup.
I broke contact yesterday by sending him a message via my bank app as a reminder to pay me back. He was “surprised” that i hadnt received it yet and i basically said no and that i wanted it back, and that the woman who he f****d’s husband while we were together is trying to find him. He never spoke about that and only stuck to the convo of payment. Did not feel remorseful, or say sorry, he just completely ignored it.
I know it was wrong to break contact, but i actually realized then that he’s just an awful person. I’m embarrassed to say but my thoughts went to the deepest darkest place, i definitely wasnt thinking straight. I feel in my gut that it definitely wasnt the first time he had done it, and most likely woth others, and although i feel betrayed, i need to move on.
I think once the anger subsides ill be able to get there...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't blame you for being hurt and angry and feeling betrayed...but he did what addicts do and sadly, it leaves ripples of pain for all left behind..
Please do get yourself checked medically, it's important to make sure you are okay.
Then embrace the lesson and keep moving forward, a little wiser for the journey.
You will be okay....you ARE okay. Clarity is often painful but it is the final step out of denial and into the harsh reality that addiction hurts more than the addict. You don't have to hurt anymore.
Please do get yourself checked medically, it's important to make sure you are okay.
Then embrace the lesson and keep moving forward, a little wiser for the journey.
You will be okay....you ARE okay. Clarity is often painful but it is the final step out of denial and into the harsh reality that addiction hurts more than the addict. You don't have to hurt anymore.
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