I need advice on how to heal myself while he's in recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 16
I need advice on how to heal myself while he's in recovery.
My bf of 4 years is finialy in a 3 month recovery program. I need to learn to cope with the effects of co dependency. I have a 5 year old daughter and he is her only father figure. I need advice as to where to turn for help. Recommended books, therapy, anything? I'm working out, going to church and focusing on work and my daughter. We both want this to work. I don't want to sabatoged this relationship. I need help just much as him. Please any insight is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Shellart,
Recovery is a personal thing... both his recovery, and yours... your journey will be far different from that of someone else in your position. You will have to find what works for you, and here are my suggestions on how you find out:
1) do research and reading on addiction (you will learn a lot about their view and how you may have contributed);
2) try going to some Al-Anon meetings... i have gone to a few, but have not found them helpful... that is just me though and may also just be that I am not in the right place for it myself yet;
3) Therapy... individual.... find a therapist or counselor that can help you work on your deficiencies;
4) Friends and activities... surround yourself with people that you enjoy and activities that you enjoy. You do not need negative people around you;
5) Focus on your family;
6) Spend time alone... it may be one of the hardest things you do!
7) ???
I am sure many people will have additional suggestions. Try each one, as some will be more effective for you than others. Recovery is about finding yourself and what makes you enjoy life.... it is a personal journey, so enjoy it....
T
Recovery is a personal thing... both his recovery, and yours... your journey will be far different from that of someone else in your position. You will have to find what works for you, and here are my suggestions on how you find out:
1) do research and reading on addiction (you will learn a lot about their view and how you may have contributed);
2) try going to some Al-Anon meetings... i have gone to a few, but have not found them helpful... that is just me though and may also just be that I am not in the right place for it myself yet;
3) Therapy... individual.... find a therapist or counselor that can help you work on your deficiencies;
4) Friends and activities... surround yourself with people that you enjoy and activities that you enjoy. You do not need negative people around you;
5) Focus on your family;
6) Spend time alone... it may be one of the hardest things you do!
7) ???
I am sure many people will have additional suggestions. Try each one, as some will be more effective for you than others. Recovery is about finding yourself and what makes you enjoy life.... it is a personal journey, so enjoy it....
T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Working out is great. Church is great.
You don't mention which religion, but if you happen to be non-denominational Christian, then I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery. It's helped me immensely. I also did a 12-step program through CR that made a world of a difference. If your religious views aren't compatible with CR, then try nar-anon, al-anon, or coda meetings. If one doesn't work, try another. Find your people- the people who get your struggle the most. You need to be around people who get you.
Now, the uncomfortable part that no one likes to hear, but I feel so strongly that it must be said. How can I say this... I'll just relate my own personal experience. I knew for years that there was a strong possibility that I was going to have to leave my AXH in order to protect my children. His addiction was spiraling out of control and we'd had many close calls. What I didn't realize was that all of my efforts and ultimatums to try to get him sober would be of no interest to the judge, whatsoever. As long as I was staying with him or coming back to him I was just as responsible as he was for endangering their safety. I wish I had done my ultimatums through the court system- as in, he needs to get sober, or I'm taking my children.
Even now that we're divorced, I feel the constant threat of losing my children. Let's say he gets unsupervised visitation again. He comes to pick them up for a visit and I have a hunch he's under the influence of meth (sometimes it's hard for me to tell). I'm allowed to drug test him, but I have to give him 6 hours notice. So if he comes to pick them up at 12, I can't do it. The drug testing facility will be closed. So my options are:
1) Call the police. They'll come check him out and, most likely, give him the all clear (and possibly say I've filed a false report). They WILL NOT give him a drug test. It will be up to the deputy to decide, and they've failed me so many times already I don't expect much.
2) Not say anything about my suspicions. Hope that he's sober and I'm wrong. But if he's not, and CPS catches wind that I allowed the visit, then I'm guilty of failure to protect.
Failure to protect is a BIG DEAL. My experience has been that family courts are harder on the sober parent, because we're supposed to know better.
All the best.
You don't mention which religion, but if you happen to be non-denominational Christian, then I highly recommend Celebrate Recovery. It's helped me immensely. I also did a 12-step program through CR that made a world of a difference. If your religious views aren't compatible with CR, then try nar-anon, al-anon, or coda meetings. If one doesn't work, try another. Find your people- the people who get your struggle the most. You need to be around people who get you.
Now, the uncomfortable part that no one likes to hear, but I feel so strongly that it must be said. How can I say this... I'll just relate my own personal experience. I knew for years that there was a strong possibility that I was going to have to leave my AXH in order to protect my children. His addiction was spiraling out of control and we'd had many close calls. What I didn't realize was that all of my efforts and ultimatums to try to get him sober would be of no interest to the judge, whatsoever. As long as I was staying with him or coming back to him I was just as responsible as he was for endangering their safety. I wish I had done my ultimatums through the court system- as in, he needs to get sober, or I'm taking my children.
Even now that we're divorced, I feel the constant threat of losing my children. Let's say he gets unsupervised visitation again. He comes to pick them up for a visit and I have a hunch he's under the influence of meth (sometimes it's hard for me to tell). I'm allowed to drug test him, but I have to give him 6 hours notice. So if he comes to pick them up at 12, I can't do it. The drug testing facility will be closed. So my options are:
1) Call the police. They'll come check him out and, most likely, give him the all clear (and possibly say I've filed a false report). They WILL NOT give him a drug test. It will be up to the deputy to decide, and they've failed me so many times already I don't expect much.
2) Not say anything about my suspicions. Hope that he's sober and I'm wrong. But if he's not, and CPS catches wind that I allowed the visit, then I'm guilty of failure to protect.
Failure to protect is a BIG DEAL. My experience has been that family courts are harder on the sober parent, because we're supposed to know better.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Hechosedrugs,
I assume you are asking the police to do a wellness check? If that is the case, then no report should be filed.
You are in a very difficult position, and your children even more so. Hopefully he will do his best to stay clean. One thing tho is if you know he is getting custody and coming to get the kids, you could always request it before he comes to get them so he has the test results at th time of pickup. Just a suggestion and not sure that is even possible.
T
I assume you are asking the police to do a wellness check? If that is the case, then no report should be filed.
You are in a very difficult position, and your children even more so. Hopefully he will do his best to stay clean. One thing tho is if you know he is getting custody and coming to get the kids, you could always request it before he comes to get them so he has the test results at th time of pickup. Just a suggestion and not sure that is even possible.
T
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Shellart, you will have some difficult choices ahead of you, the more stable and grounded you are in your own recovery, the clearer the answers will be.
There are many good books about codependency but the one that stands above all the rest, and the one that helped many of us here is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I swear that when I read it she had written my biography, it's that accurate about what we feel and go through and I highly recommend getting a copy and reading it cover to cover.
For me CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon were the two fellowships that helped me regain my sanity. Nar-anon is also good but there are fewer meetings and there may not be one near you. Find a meeting near you and make a commitment to yourself to go, and then to go again. It takes maybe 4 or 5 meetings to get comfortable and decide if it is right for you. Sometimes it takes trying a few different meetings, but I promise you it is worth the effort. Celebrate Recovery is another program that has helped many here. I'm not familiar with it but many here are if you have questions about finding a group for you.
As Hechosedrugs pointed out, it can get legally complicated when children are involved, whether you stay or leave. If he has drugs in the house and you know about them, you could lose your house and your children and be charged criminally yourself....this sounds harsh but it has happened to good people here and in the past. They themselves post periodically to make the point to newcomers here that they may be in more danger than they think, with the law as well as with the addict and his/her associates. I would suggest talking to a lawyer and finding out what your rights are for the state or area where you live.
Also, Women's Shelters offer good suggestions and sometimes help in finding counseling and resources you may need and cannot afford. You don't have to stay in most shelters for them to help you. It's worth a call.
My heart hurts for you, you are in a bad situation and your children may be in danger too.
I am glad you joined us and hope you use some or all of the resources suggested to get yourself in a better place...regardless of how your bf does. It's up to you to help you and we're all here to cheer you on.
Hugs
There are many good books about codependency but the one that stands above all the rest, and the one that helped many of us here is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I swear that when I read it she had written my biography, it's that accurate about what we feel and go through and I highly recommend getting a copy and reading it cover to cover.
For me CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon were the two fellowships that helped me regain my sanity. Nar-anon is also good but there are fewer meetings and there may not be one near you. Find a meeting near you and make a commitment to yourself to go, and then to go again. It takes maybe 4 or 5 meetings to get comfortable and decide if it is right for you. Sometimes it takes trying a few different meetings, but I promise you it is worth the effort. Celebrate Recovery is another program that has helped many here. I'm not familiar with it but many here are if you have questions about finding a group for you.
As Hechosedrugs pointed out, it can get legally complicated when children are involved, whether you stay or leave. If he has drugs in the house and you know about them, you could lose your house and your children and be charged criminally yourself....this sounds harsh but it has happened to good people here and in the past. They themselves post periodically to make the point to newcomers here that they may be in more danger than they think, with the law as well as with the addict and his/her associates. I would suggest talking to a lawyer and finding out what your rights are for the state or area where you live.
Also, Women's Shelters offer good suggestions and sometimes help in finding counseling and resources you may need and cannot afford. You don't have to stay in most shelters for them to help you. It's worth a call.
My heart hurts for you, you are in a bad situation and your children may be in danger too.
I am glad you joined us and hope you use some or all of the resources suggested to get yourself in a better place...regardless of how your bf does. It's up to you to help you and we're all here to cheer you on.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Ann 
Shellart, you will have some difficult choices ahead of you, the more stable and grounded you are in your own recovery, the clearer the answers will be.
There are many good books about codependency but the one that stands above all the rest, and the one that helped many of us here is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I swear that when I read it she had written my biography, it's that accurate about what we feel and go through and I highly recommend getting a copy and reading it cover to cover.
For me CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon were the two fellowships that helped me regain my sanity. Nar-anon is also good but there are fewer meetings and there may not be one near you. Find a meeting near you and make a commitment to yourself to go, and then to go again. It takes maybe 4 or 5 meetings to get comfortable and decide if it is right for you. Sometimes it takes trying a few different meetings, but I promise you it is worth the effort. Celebrate Recovery is another program that has helped many here. I'm not familiar with it but many here are if you have questions about finding a group for you.
As Hechosedrugs pointed out, it can get legally complicated when children are involved, whether you stay or leave. If he has drugs in the house and you know about them, you could lose your house and your children and be charged criminally yourself....this sounds harsh but it has happened to good people here and in the past. They themselves post periodically to make the point to newcomers here that they may be in more danger than they think, with the law as well as with the addict and his/her associates. I would suggest talking to a lawyer and finding out what your rights are for the state or area where you live.
Also, Women's Shelters offer good suggestions and sometimes help in finding counseling and resources you may need and cannot afford. You don't have to stay in most shelters for them to help you. It's worth a call.
My heart hurts for you, you are in a bad situation and your children may be in danger too.
I am glad you joined us and hope you use some or all of the resources suggested to get yourself in a better place...regardless of how your bf does. It's up to you to help you and we're all here to cheer you on.
Hugs
There are many good books about codependency but the one that stands above all the rest, and the one that helped many of us here is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I swear that when I read it she had written my biography, it's that accurate about what we feel and go through and I highly recommend getting a copy and reading it cover to cover.
For me CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and Al-anon were the two fellowships that helped me regain my sanity. Nar-anon is also good but there are fewer meetings and there may not be one near you. Find a meeting near you and make a commitment to yourself to go, and then to go again. It takes maybe 4 or 5 meetings to get comfortable and decide if it is right for you. Sometimes it takes trying a few different meetings, but I promise you it is worth the effort. Celebrate Recovery is another program that has helped many here. I'm not familiar with it but many here are if you have questions about finding a group for you.
As Hechosedrugs pointed out, it can get legally complicated when children are involved, whether you stay or leave. If he has drugs in the house and you know about them, you could lose your house and your children and be charged criminally yourself....this sounds harsh but it has happened to good people here and in the past. They themselves post periodically to make the point to newcomers here that they may be in more danger than they think, with the law as well as with the addict and his/her associates. I would suggest talking to a lawyer and finding out what your rights are for the state or area where you live.
Also, Women's Shelters offer good suggestions and sometimes help in finding counseling and resources you may need and cannot afford. You don't have to stay in most shelters for them to help you. It's worth a call.
My heart hurts for you, you are in a bad situation and your children may be in danger too.
I am glad you joined us and hope you use some or all of the resources suggested to get yourself in a better place...regardless of how your bf does. It's up to you to help you and we're all here to cheer you on.
Hugs
I'm looking into meetings as well.
Thank you so much for advice.♡
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Just to clarify, I don't live with him and the child is from a previous man. BUT, he is the only father figure she has known.
Just a quick smile...they told me to read that book every where I turned, here, at my meetings, and it wasn't until I walked into a book store one day and literally knocked over a display of...yup..."Codependent No More" that I finally thought "Maybe that's a sign that I need to read this", lol, and I bought a copy and have never regretted it. I promise you will be glad you read it too.
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