Miller4

Thank you in advance for any insight...Last month I ended an engagement to my fiancé after a 4 year relationship. He is a functioning alcoholic (my diagnosis) who goes to work everyday but drinks every night. His drinking behavior is combative, verbally abusive, and jealous.

After a few weeks, he reached out to tell me he read a transformative (his words) book about recovery and he is sober for good. He speaks in absolutes. He classifies himself as someone with a drinking problem and NOT an alcoholic. Therefore, he is resistant to AA. In his mind, he has figured things out on his own and is fully convinced, after 4 weeks, that his decades of drinking (55 years old) are over.

Now, he wants to spend time together again. I remain skeptical. If getting sober is so easy he would have done it 4 years ago, or any of the times during our relationship when I begged him to stop drinking. Instead, he would hide alcohol, lie about being drunk, etc. I was constantly anxious and always surveying his behavior. It was exhausting. I also have teenagers at home who like him as a person but don't want to be around his drinking. I will never expose them to that behavior again. He has a very compulsive personality and 3 adult children who also have substance issues. I ended our engagement bc I felt like he could not stay sober long term.

Here's my question: at what point would someone in my situation re-engage? Another month? Six months? A year? Never? When he is sober he is thoughtful, affectionate and a treat to be around. I just know I can't handle his drinking any more. And advice would be so appreciated.

pavel

My alcoholic friend could stop drinking for several months and then start again. I think most alcoholics can become and stay dry without any treatment for quite a long time just to relapse later.

Spence7471

I am recently married to a recovering drug addict. I knew she was using when we got married, but we had a recovery plan in place. We got married, but she never made it to begin the recovery plan before it consumed her.

Had I been more aware of how the disease works, i would have postponed the wedding till she sought treatment. My love for her has not faultered during all this, but many aspect of the relationship are severely strained.

My advice to you is to set a boundary for yourself... if you are not willing to be with this person in a relationship outside of marriage while he drinks, then you certainly do not want to be in a marriage while he drinks. So, your boundary could be that while he is in active recovery (i.e. staying sober, attending meetings, seeking a therapist, family counseling, etc...) then you are willing to have a relationship with him... Set a timeline to reassess the engagement.... then at that timeline, look at how well he has done staying within the boundaries... if all is going well, modify the boundaries/commitment level, and set a new timeline. Continue this till you are satisfied that he is on the right path.

Addicts/alcoholics are all master manipulators... they will say and do whatever someone wants for as long as it takes for that person to let their guard down, then they will take advantage. I have come to realize this with my wife (hindsight is 20/20) and as such i will never fully trust her words and actions at face value. It is a terrible way to have a relationship, but when in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic, it is about protecting yourself first and foremost...

T

BlownOne

Wow. That must be quite a book. Read it once and he's totally transformed himself? Let's see how long that lasts. Any addict or alcoholic speaking in absolutes when it comes to recovery would make me very leery. IME it simply doesn't work that way. But that's only my own. Use this time to take care of yourself and your needs. Peace to you.