I'm Watching My Sister Spiral Into Drug Addiction
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I'm Watching My Sister Spiral Into Drug Addiction
This will be a tad bit long, but I'm absolutely desperate for advice so if nothing else, please read the last 2 paragraphs. I'm really at a loss for what to do... So, I accidentally stumbled across this forum. Essentially I was searching google about being a sister to a drug addict and I ended up here. My sister is 27, I'm 24, and my sister has been smoking weed and cigarettes since she was 12? That's a rough estimate because I honestly don't remember most of my childhood.
Small back story necessary to understand why my sister self medicates. We grew up in an emotionally volatile household (my dad is unmedicated bipolar, he rufuses to admit it even though his 3 siblings are all bipolar and on mood stabilizers). My parents don't talk to either of their families because they're all crazy and very mean (there's obviously more to that story, but this would be a novel in length). So my dad's challenges combined with no family for help to give my parents a break made them very stressed out, burnt out, and tired when you add in my sister's challenges. My older sister was born with Tourette syndrome and other neurological disorders, she was on a lot of antipsychotic medication starting at age 7 when she was diagnosed with TS, and eventually she was put in a residential facility because my parents couldn't get her to stop running away in the middle of the night with the cops bringing her home - the residential facility culminated because she took her sleeping medication one night when she was 14 or 15 and then ran away and almost laid down and fell asleep in a parking lot. So, if you couldn't tell there was a lot going on during my adolescence. I was taken with to all of my sister's doctor and therapy and psychology appointments because I'm 2 years and 9 months younger than her so my parents couldn't leave me home alone - keep in mind there was no family to help. My parents say I missed out on doing a lot as a kid because I had to go with them, but I only remember one time I missed out on something, the rest I have no memories of. I don't really do emotions, I'm about as disconnected from those things as possible because that's how I learned to cope as a child.
Back to the current issues. So, my sister started taking Ritalin for ADD about 3 years ago. Yes, she shouldn't be on it because she has TS, but the doctors in TN aren't so thorough and here we are. My mom informed me that my sister also started buying pain pills about 2 years ago when we were living in TN - we're in FL now. I'm in law school and moved out in August of 2017, she still lives with my parents, or at least for the moment, my dad has just about had his fill. So, I guess her addiction really started 2 years ago. It has just become out of control in the last year. She goes through an entire month worth of Ritalin in about 5 days (we've told her PCP because we all have the same doctor, but the PCP won't stop prescribing it to her), she was receiving Percocet prescriptions from the same PCP for a year for foot pain from too high of an arch that she needs surgery for, but does nothing to try to alleviate the strain on, she's now in a pain management program and is prescribed 30mg of Percocet a day. She also managed to get herself prescribed zanex, even though she's also prescribed Valium. She claims to sell the zanex to pay for coke that her piece of trash boyfriend of 3 months introduced her to and showed her the best way to snort (they break up every other day so 3 months is an estimate - she told me 3 months so lord knows if that's even right because lying is her best characteristic at this point). She gets SSI (maybe $700/month - my parents use that to pay her bills for her and give her any that's left over - last month she had to borrow from my dad again because it wasn't enough due to her new credit card debts) because she can't hold down a job due to her challenges, which include misinterpretation of social ques. She maxed out a credit card and my dad was able to find her a small loan to take out in her name that she could pay off over 3 years because she couldn't ever pay off the card because of how little income she has and how high her interest charges were. My dad took the card from her because she started using it again after they got the loan to pay it off. She stole it back, maxed it out, and got another credit card no one knew about. I'm like 95% sure she committed credit card fraud with the new card by telling the company there were fraudulent charges on the card (those "fraudulent charges" were made only 2 towns over from where her and my parents live and she still had possession of the card when she called and told the cc company this about a week before her first bill was due so that feels like very convenient timing...). My mom told me that my sister told her that the guy my sister and her boyfriend used to buy coke from got popped by police, so now I'm afraid she's doing crack because I went home this week for a night and got to experience one the mood swings I was told about and wow... One second she was fine and thanking me for helping her not get kicked out of the house the week before because I talked to my parents for her and then the next second it was like a completely different person. I made the mistake of trying to explain to my sister how my dad may not have understood that she was joking (as she claimed she was doing) when she said "my piece of **** boyfriend" to our dad, followed with "well dad hates my boyfriend so that's what I call him when he's around" and the situation could have escalated and she could have been kicked out. She took that as I said she was trying to cause a problem, even though I explained 4 times that that's not what I said or meant. She was volatile and angry and I would try to reason with her and explain that I had been trying to help her and it didn't matter. Mind you, my mom is recovering from having breast implants removed on 1/15/18 because they've been slowly poisoning her for the last 7 years and none of that mattered to my sister. She was literally out of her mind....
So, long story short, I'm looking for advice on how I might be able to stop the impending train wreck that is my sister's drug addiction and life at this point. My parents gave up everything to help her through all her challenges growing up and even still to this day and it pisses me off that they sacrificed all of that so that my sister could just go and become a drug addict. My dad borrowed $20,000 from his 401K to help finance her cosmetology education, my dad paid for extra classes out of his own pocket to help her learn because the school she went to didn't teach her what she actually needed to know, my mom stopped working when my sister was 7 to help focus on my sister and her challenges and getting my sister the help she needed, and they did all of that for her to go and become a drug addict? I'm desperate to try to stop my sister from continuing down the road she's on, but I don't know how. She's about to be homeless because the next emotional explosion she has when she's coming down from whatever drug she's on or because she hasn't slept in 3 days from whatever drug she's doing, my parents will kick her out. My dad had a stroke 2 years ago because of her and her ******** and he will have to kick her out to avoid having another stroke because he can't take the stress that she brings into his life on a daily basis. What can I do before her Percocet and coke addiction become a heroine addiction? I can see it just over the horizon and I'm desperate to stop it before it comes to fruition. Please help! xoxo
Small back story necessary to understand why my sister self medicates. We grew up in an emotionally volatile household (my dad is unmedicated bipolar, he rufuses to admit it even though his 3 siblings are all bipolar and on mood stabilizers). My parents don't talk to either of their families because they're all crazy and very mean (there's obviously more to that story, but this would be a novel in length). So my dad's challenges combined with no family for help to give my parents a break made them very stressed out, burnt out, and tired when you add in my sister's challenges. My older sister was born with Tourette syndrome and other neurological disorders, she was on a lot of antipsychotic medication starting at age 7 when she was diagnosed with TS, and eventually she was put in a residential facility because my parents couldn't get her to stop running away in the middle of the night with the cops bringing her home - the residential facility culminated because she took her sleeping medication one night when she was 14 or 15 and then ran away and almost laid down and fell asleep in a parking lot. So, if you couldn't tell there was a lot going on during my adolescence. I was taken with to all of my sister's doctor and therapy and psychology appointments because I'm 2 years and 9 months younger than her so my parents couldn't leave me home alone - keep in mind there was no family to help. My parents say I missed out on doing a lot as a kid because I had to go with them, but I only remember one time I missed out on something, the rest I have no memories of. I don't really do emotions, I'm about as disconnected from those things as possible because that's how I learned to cope as a child.
Back to the current issues. So, my sister started taking Ritalin for ADD about 3 years ago. Yes, she shouldn't be on it because she has TS, but the doctors in TN aren't so thorough and here we are. My mom informed me that my sister also started buying pain pills about 2 years ago when we were living in TN - we're in FL now. I'm in law school and moved out in August of 2017, she still lives with my parents, or at least for the moment, my dad has just about had his fill. So, I guess her addiction really started 2 years ago. It has just become out of control in the last year. She goes through an entire month worth of Ritalin in about 5 days (we've told her PCP because we all have the same doctor, but the PCP won't stop prescribing it to her), she was receiving Percocet prescriptions from the same PCP for a year for foot pain from too high of an arch that she needs surgery for, but does nothing to try to alleviate the strain on, she's now in a pain management program and is prescribed 30mg of Percocet a day. She also managed to get herself prescribed zanex, even though she's also prescribed Valium. She claims to sell the zanex to pay for coke that her piece of trash boyfriend of 3 months introduced her to and showed her the best way to snort (they break up every other day so 3 months is an estimate - she told me 3 months so lord knows if that's even right because lying is her best characteristic at this point). She gets SSI (maybe $700/month - my parents use that to pay her bills for her and give her any that's left over - last month she had to borrow from my dad again because it wasn't enough due to her new credit card debts) because she can't hold down a job due to her challenges, which include misinterpretation of social ques. She maxed out a credit card and my dad was able to find her a small loan to take out in her name that she could pay off over 3 years because she couldn't ever pay off the card because of how little income she has and how high her interest charges were. My dad took the card from her because she started using it again after they got the loan to pay it off. She stole it back, maxed it out, and got another credit card no one knew about. I'm like 95% sure she committed credit card fraud with the new card by telling the company there were fraudulent charges on the card (those "fraudulent charges" were made only 2 towns over from where her and my parents live and she still had possession of the card when she called and told the cc company this about a week before her first bill was due so that feels like very convenient timing...). My mom told me that my sister told her that the guy my sister and her boyfriend used to buy coke from got popped by police, so now I'm afraid she's doing crack because I went home this week for a night and got to experience one the mood swings I was told about and wow... One second she was fine and thanking me for helping her not get kicked out of the house the week before because I talked to my parents for her and then the next second it was like a completely different person. I made the mistake of trying to explain to my sister how my dad may not have understood that she was joking (as she claimed she was doing) when she said "my piece of **** boyfriend" to our dad, followed with "well dad hates my boyfriend so that's what I call him when he's around" and the situation could have escalated and she could have been kicked out. She took that as I said she was trying to cause a problem, even though I explained 4 times that that's not what I said or meant. She was volatile and angry and I would try to reason with her and explain that I had been trying to help her and it didn't matter. Mind you, my mom is recovering from having breast implants removed on 1/15/18 because they've been slowly poisoning her for the last 7 years and none of that mattered to my sister. She was literally out of her mind....
So, long story short, I'm looking for advice on how I might be able to stop the impending train wreck that is my sister's drug addiction and life at this point. My parents gave up everything to help her through all her challenges growing up and even still to this day and it pisses me off that they sacrificed all of that so that my sister could just go and become a drug addict. My dad borrowed $20,000 from his 401K to help finance her cosmetology education, my dad paid for extra classes out of his own pocket to help her learn because the school she went to didn't teach her what she actually needed to know, my mom stopped working when my sister was 7 to help focus on my sister and her challenges and getting my sister the help she needed, and they did all of that for her to go and become a drug addict? I'm desperate to try to stop my sister from continuing down the road she's on, but I don't know how. She's about to be homeless because the next emotional explosion she has when she's coming down from whatever drug she's on or because she hasn't slept in 3 days from whatever drug she's doing, my parents will kick her out. My dad had a stroke 2 years ago because of her and her ******** and he will have to kick her out to avoid having another stroke because he can't take the stress that she brings into his life on a daily basis. What can I do before her Percocet and coke addiction become a heroine addiction? I can see it just over the horizon and I'm desperate to stop it before it comes to fruition. Please help! xoxo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
I read the pain in your letter and I'm so sorry for the complex and dangerous situation that your family is living with. The combination of diagnosed illness, multi drug use and history of mental unwellness most likely needs professional care. Your sister cannot function with all of those chemicals in her body, so cannot deal with everything else she's got going on. Can you help her find inpatient care? Will she go? Will her doctor help?
Sending hugs to you all.
Sending hugs to you all.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
I feel your pain Searching. It's a difficult experience you, your family, and sister are having. I have felt helpless many times as my daughter has done so many drugs and and done so many things that have graduated her to being kicked out of our house. We gave her many opportunities to get better. Again and again. I've called police on her behaviors and have been told they can do nothing, she is an adult and "this is not Russia or China" so they could not take her in for help. I hope she finally has reached her bottom. We shall see. I miss her, but what we were doing..thinking we were helping her was not. We were only helping her sustain her behavior that was killing her. When we finally put our foot down and said you either go to rehab or leave and you won't be allowed to come back she decided to leave. Then she wanted to come back when she was literally dying from heroin. I did help her go to ER and get her to detox and will meet her at her next reassessment appointment, but she is still not allowed to come here. It's too early in the ball game for her she has a long way to go. So far she has made the first hit and getting detoxed. She never wanted to before, but when she realized we were serious this time, she could not come back she made that step. Believe me when I picked her up to go to ER was a bloody mess- she couldn't walk, she was short of breath, she was shitting her pants. It was awful. I hope she never forgets that. I hope your sister finds a moment of clarity to get help. In the midst of drugs it is so difficult to find the person we know is in there. Will keep your family in my thoughts as we do what we need to do.
I broke down the other day at work from all the pain I was feeling about this. My supervisor told me something that I will remember. "You can get better, even if your daughter cannot".
I broke down the other day at work from all the pain I was feeling about this. My supervisor told me something that I will remember. "You can get better, even if your daughter cannot".
Last edited by Muunray; 01-20-2018 at 05:23 PM. Reason: add
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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You cannot control your sister's addiction. Only she can. And like JK130 said, her situation is so complex you really need a professional to help you suss all this out. You are not your sister's doctor, and even if you WERE a doctor you shouldn't be. There's a reason why doctors are not allowed to treat relatives.
Somebody close to me was addicted to Percocet. She also has chronic pain and also has ADD. She had to go inpatient because outpatient wasn't doing squat. She was ordering prescription drugs through the internet, but she also admitted that the doctors made it WAY too easy for her to score. She's incredibly conscientious in avoiding opioid pain killers, and she actually gets into arguments with medical staff when they try to prescribe her Oxy now. She has to say repeatedly "Why are you giving me this when I told you I'm a recovering addict?"
The thing is, this person WANTED it to end. She missed her brain (she said the drugs took away much of her higher cognitive thinking - she's trying hard to get it back.) Her friends were so mad at her they were no longer speaking to her. I knew another drug addict who shot up heroin for a good long time, and he said his bottom was when his children and grandchildren refused to speak to him anymore because they were scared of him.
Your post especially spoke to me because you could have been writing about my sister. She was sexually abused by my cousin, and abused pot and alcohol throughout high school and college (she got kicked out of one, but eventually applied to another and got her degree). Then there was a time where she seemed to get her act together, even got married and had kids but then screwed up spectacularly by having an affair with a fortysomething pothead who never moved out of his parents' house . Her kids live with my parents now when they're not with their dad. She talks about being a struggling single mom while at the same breath getting plastic surgery for herself which is most likely funded through the child support that is supposed to go to her children.
I'm sure she feels shame. I'm sure she wonders why her life is still screwed up. Unfortunately, in her case, she usually blames other people for her choices.
I was once my sister's defender with my parents. I thought they were too hard on her. I thought they didn't understand. Now it's the other way around. I think they totally enable her. They even took out a loan to pay the down payment on her and her ex-husband's house, and when they sold it, my parents never got a penny back. She said that she forgot that they lent her money. They gave her more than $100,000 and she forgot?
She'll never know the pride of living on her own without financial assistance. The friends she's known the longest don't really spend time with her anymore - she threw her own best friend "under a bus" when the her affair came out so no one really trusts what comes out of her mouth. I really don't know what her bottom is, but I do know that she surrounds herself with people who all, in their own way, are trying to heal her. What they are actually doing is letting her live on with the delusion that she's perfectly OK because if she still has friendships with people, what she's doing is acceptable, right?
The best thing you can do for yourself is detach and live your own life. I cut myself down and buried my own light because I was afraid my sister would get jealous of me. I stayed away from things that interested her because I wanted to give her room to shine.
If your sister was training for a marathon, you wouldn't be doing her running for her because that would be pointless. If your sister had cancer, you wouldn't take her chemo for her even though you would want very much for not to endure the side effects - you know that she has to take the chemo for herself for it to do any good. You cannot do your sister's recovery for her - she's got to want it for herself. You can point out the truth and pray that she hears it. You can love her and hope she sees it. But you can't save her from her own demons - she has to make that choice to turn away from them.
Somebody close to me was addicted to Percocet. She also has chronic pain and also has ADD. She had to go inpatient because outpatient wasn't doing squat. She was ordering prescription drugs through the internet, but she also admitted that the doctors made it WAY too easy for her to score. She's incredibly conscientious in avoiding opioid pain killers, and she actually gets into arguments with medical staff when they try to prescribe her Oxy now. She has to say repeatedly "Why are you giving me this when I told you I'm a recovering addict?"
The thing is, this person WANTED it to end. She missed her brain (she said the drugs took away much of her higher cognitive thinking - she's trying hard to get it back.) Her friends were so mad at her they were no longer speaking to her. I knew another drug addict who shot up heroin for a good long time, and he said his bottom was when his children and grandchildren refused to speak to him anymore because they were scared of him.
Your post especially spoke to me because you could have been writing about my sister. She was sexually abused by my cousin, and abused pot and alcohol throughout high school and college (she got kicked out of one, but eventually applied to another and got her degree). Then there was a time where she seemed to get her act together, even got married and had kids but then screwed up spectacularly by having an affair with a fortysomething pothead who never moved out of his parents' house . Her kids live with my parents now when they're not with their dad. She talks about being a struggling single mom while at the same breath getting plastic surgery for herself which is most likely funded through the child support that is supposed to go to her children.
I'm sure she feels shame. I'm sure she wonders why her life is still screwed up. Unfortunately, in her case, she usually blames other people for her choices.
I was once my sister's defender with my parents. I thought they were too hard on her. I thought they didn't understand. Now it's the other way around. I think they totally enable her. They even took out a loan to pay the down payment on her and her ex-husband's house, and when they sold it, my parents never got a penny back. She said that she forgot that they lent her money. They gave her more than $100,000 and she forgot?
She'll never know the pride of living on her own without financial assistance. The friends she's known the longest don't really spend time with her anymore - she threw her own best friend "under a bus" when the her affair came out so no one really trusts what comes out of her mouth. I really don't know what her bottom is, but I do know that she surrounds herself with people who all, in their own way, are trying to heal her. What they are actually doing is letting her live on with the delusion that she's perfectly OK because if she still has friendships with people, what she's doing is acceptable, right?
The best thing you can do for yourself is detach and live your own life. I cut myself down and buried my own light because I was afraid my sister would get jealous of me. I stayed away from things that interested her because I wanted to give her room to shine.
If your sister was training for a marathon, you wouldn't be doing her running for her because that would be pointless. If your sister had cancer, you wouldn't take her chemo for her even though you would want very much for not to endure the side effects - you know that she has to take the chemo for herself for it to do any good. You cannot do your sister's recovery for her - she's got to want it for herself. You can point out the truth and pray that she hears it. You can love her and hope she sees it. But you can't save her from her own demons - she has to make that choice to turn away from them.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Good way to explain it PuzzledHeart. In a situation like this, it is so difficult emotionally, to remind yourself you cannot do what they have to do for themselves if they are to be successful, means a lot.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
As much as i hate to say this.... it is not for you to help your sister... you can offer, but if she is unwilling, then all you can do is sit back and watch the train wreck. Best thing you can do is prepare yourself for what you know is going to happen. You can be supportive of her, but keep your distance, and for god's sake... do not enable her... if you are not sure what enabling actions are, please read up or seek out a counselor that can show you.... that is the worst thing you can do for an addict.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I have to second that I don't really thing there is anything you can do. I encourage you and your parents to seek Naranon or Celebrate Recovery for face to face support. I wish I had some magic solution for you. Unfortunately, mental illness and substance abuse go hand in hand. It's been a problem for a very long time. Unless a person actually wants very real help, and is willing to commit, I don't think there is anything you can do except to stay in as best place mentally as you can for yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sadly and the hardest experience of all in life is our inability to stop the addict from themselves.
One of your best tools is with knowledge, research addiction and especially addict behaviors. And much like you cannot change her behaviors you cannot change your parents enabling behaviors.
As hurtful as it may seem, her being arrested for credit card fraud, selling drugs, etc. may be the break in feeding her addiction she needs.
One of your best tools is with knowledge, research addiction and especially addict behaviors. And much like you cannot change her behaviors you cannot change your parents enabling behaviors.
As hurtful as it may seem, her being arrested for credit card fraud, selling drugs, etc. may be the break in feeding her addiction she needs.
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