Replaced by Crack addiction
I'm new here and came across this site about 2 months ago. I have no one to talk too. I literally have no friends. ( I know it's sad). I have a handful of family members that I'm not close to, and a brother that is unaware of what's going on and has his own issues with his family. I've been afraid to post because I've been crushed by exabf and just didn't know if I can express my feelings on the forum and just didn't know what to expect.
I've been with my exabf on and off since I was 15 yrs old. I'm now 46. His DOC Crack and then got into herion at some point but crack is what has plague him most of his life. He's been in and out of jail the majority of his life due to him committing crimes for his drug use. We both had other relationships and together after like 12 yrs of being apart. I knew he was in a methodone program. According to him he had stopped doing crack a few years prior.
Fast forward 5 yrs, he has fallen back into crack addiction. (I suspect he never stopped). I would stay back and forth with him and a friend of mine due to we at one time got into an argument because he made a physical threat to me. I noticed a change in him( still remember that day the way he looked at me when we were lying in bed) I felt like he turned away from me and felt something was not right. From that day forward which was about 2 years ago this man has neglected me physically and emotionally. He didn't want to have sex anymore, Just like that!! he couldn't have enough of me and all of the sudden he started avoiding sex. Excuses he used he had a heacdache, he fell to sleep and forgot to make love to me? This has killed my self-esteem in so many ways.
Well he could no longer hide his drug use from me anymore because me and my friend had a fall out and I had to move in with him and I was there all the time. Before that he kept trying to keep me from coming to his house making excuses. I definitely knew something was up even another women. He said no, he only wanted me. He met this guy from his program and would let him pack drugs in his house in exchange for money and didn't want me there.
Our relationship just went down hill. He was no longer being affectionate with me kissing me on the forehead and slept hours on end. You swear he was a cat! I thought he was depressed or wasn't attracted to me anymore. He said it was neither but at the same time would not give me an explanation as to why there was a change in our relationship. Then I found out what the culprit was, he was smoking crack again.
I was devastated and he said he didn't have a problem, didn't need a program but I knew better. We been through this before. He couldn't hide it because he now had his own apartment and would get high in the house. He didn't smoke in front of me always telling me to stay in another room.
Of course things got worst he started smoking more and more. When he wasn't smoking crack he will sleep and didn't want to sit with me anymore. I felt so alone. I could sense that he no longer wanted me there and when I would express that to him he denied it or he would blame it on the methodone that the program was weening him off it. I had no job he was on disability due to bipolar and a couple other things he was diagnosed with.
I was fed up with not finding a job mostly because I felt he no longer loved me and felt like he wanted me gone. I was in his way. I told him I was leaving for these reasons and asked him if he was going to stop smoking crack. He said he understood, that I had to do what I had to do, but avoided answering the real reason why I was leaving because of his drug use and me feeling unloved.
I left to another state 7 hours away to our daughter's house. It was so painful. I literally felt like I was mourning a death. I even said that to myself the night before. The night before I left he was gone all day and all night. I fell to sleep and when I woke up to got ready to leave he walked in the door looking like I haven't seen him in years, he was obviously high on crack. I had asked him the night before to do me a favor and not come home straight from the program because I didn't want him to be there when I left. It was just too hard for me but he didn't listen. I know he just gotten from where ever he was and didn't go to the program.
I prayed to God that I wouldn't break down in front of him. I wanted to leave as fast as I could. I gave a him a kiss and he stood there stone face. That was a little over 2 months plus ago and I haven't spoke to him since. He called me twice that evening but I didn't answer then he text me telling me how he just wants me to be happy and hopes I find what I'm looking for and that there was no love lost to live my life to the fullest.
I'm heart broken over this. It's like all that I felt and all the feelings I had while I sat in his house when he either was sleeping or getting high came and crushed me. I feel so pathetic. Mean while I'm at our daughter's house pretending like everything is fine. I couldn't cry, I couldn't run , I couldn't scream. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I had no more tears left in me. It was horrible. I have been sitting with these feelings for so long and unable to release them because I have no where to go and let it out. It hurts me to the core. I have running thoughts all day long. It was painful when stayed and painful still. The sad part is he could care less because he is living his life exactly how he wants to live it and has all he needs without me being there to put a damper on his high.
He even stopped calling our daughter just would text her every now and then asking her pictures of the grandkids. She called him out on it because she noticed the change on how he would not call her anymore. Our daughter is unaware of the situation. She knows about his drug use in the past and does not know he is smoking crack and how bad it is. Like he goes on binges or uses every few days. She is a little confused about why I left thinks had to do about not finding work but says don't make since. She doesn't ask questions.
I just had to vent and let it out some where since I have no one I confide in. It just has become so overwhelming you would think after 2 plus months of no contact it would get easier but nope, not for me. I can't attend the meetings because I don't want my daughter to know. She would have to be the one taking me and I have no car. I do come on here and this site has helped me understand the addiction. I've been in love with an addict but never read about it until now. This site has helped me so much reading all the stories I'm not alone and can identify with so many of you. I already know that this is going to hurt for a long time.
I'm glad that I had the opportunity to write this down on the forum and feel that some how it has helped me. It's a long post and it has helped me. I'm grateful to be here with others that understand what I'm going through. And yes I also found out about codependency and I am one. I love hard. I thought he loved me, he was so expressive with his love and one day it all changed just like that!! But at the end I love him more than he will ever know. Thanks for your support.