Me71

I'm new here and came across this site about 2 months ago. I have no one to talk too. I literally have no friends. ( I know it's sad). I have a handful of family members that I'm not close to, and a brother that is unaware of what's going on and has his own issues with his family. I've been afraid to post because I've been crushed by exabf and just didn't know if I can express my feelings on the forum and just didn't know what to expect.

I've been with my exabf on and off since I was 15 yrs old. I'm now 46. His DOC Crack and then got into herion at some point but crack is what has plague him most of his life. He's been in and out of jail the majority of his life due to him committing crimes for his drug use. We both had other relationships and together after like 12 yrs of being apart. I knew he was in a methodone program. According to him he had stopped doing crack a few years prior.

Fast forward 5 yrs, he has fallen back into crack addiction. (I suspect he never stopped). I would stay back and forth with him and a friend of mine due to we at one time got into an argument because he made a physical threat to me. I noticed a change in him( still remember that day the way he looked at me when we were lying in bed) I felt like he turned away from me and felt something was not right. From that day forward which was about 2 years ago this man has neglected me physically and emotionally. He didn't want to have sex anymore, Just like that!! he couldn't have enough of me and all of the sudden he started avoiding sex. Excuses he used he had a heacdache, he fell to sleep and forgot to make love to me? This has killed my self-esteem in so many ways.

Well he could no longer hide his drug use from me anymore because me and my friend had a fall out and I had to move in with him and I was there all the time. Before that he kept trying to keep me from coming to his house making excuses. I definitely knew something was up even another women. He said no, he only wanted me. He met this guy from his program and would let him pack drugs in his house in exchange for money and didn't want me there.

Our relationship just went down hill. He was no longer being affectionate with me kissing me on the forehead and slept hours on end. You swear he was a cat! I thought he was depressed or wasn't attracted to me anymore. He said it was neither but at the same time would not give me an explanation as to why there was a change in our relationship. Then I found out what the culprit was, he was smoking crack again.

I was devastated and he said he didn't have a problem, didn't need a program but I knew better. We been through this before. He couldn't hide it because he now had his own apartment and would get high in the house. He didn't smoke in front of me always telling me to stay in another room.

Of course things got worst he started smoking more and more. When he wasn't smoking crack he will sleep and didn't want to sit with me anymore. I felt so alone. I could sense that he no longer wanted me there and when I would express that to him he denied it or he would blame it on the methodone that the program was weening him off it. I had no job he was on disability due to bipolar and a couple other things he was diagnosed with.

I was fed up with not finding a job mostly because I felt he no longer loved me and felt like he wanted me gone. I was in his way. I told him I was leaving for these reasons and asked him if he was going to stop smoking crack. He said he understood, that I had to do what I had to do, but avoided answering the real reason why I was leaving because of his drug use and me feeling unloved.

I left to another state 7 hours away to our daughter's house. It was so painful. I literally felt like I was mourning a death. I even said that to myself the night before. The night before I left he was gone all day and all night. I fell to sleep and when I woke up to got ready to leave he walked in the door looking like I haven't seen him in years, he was obviously high on crack. I had asked him the night before to do me a favor and not come home straight from the program because I didn't want him to be there when I left. It was just too hard for me but he didn't listen. I know he just gotten from where ever he was and didn't go to the program.

I prayed to God that I wouldn't break down in front of him. I wanted to leave as fast as I could. I gave a him a kiss and he stood there stone face. That was a little over 2 months plus ago and I haven't spoke to him since. He called me twice that evening but I didn't answer then he text me telling me how he just wants me to be happy and hopes I find what I'm looking for and that there was no love lost to live my life to the fullest.

I'm heart broken over this. It's like all that I felt and all the feelings I had while I sat in his house when he either was sleeping or getting high came and crushed me. I feel so pathetic. Mean while I'm at our daughter's house pretending like everything is fine. I couldn't cry, I couldn't run , I couldn't scream. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until I had no more tears left in me. It was horrible. I have been sitting with these feelings for so long and unable to release them because I have no where to go and let it out. It hurts me to the core. I have running thoughts all day long. It was painful when stayed and painful still. The sad part is he could care less because he is living his life exactly how he wants to live it and has all he needs without me being there to put a damper on his high.

He even stopped calling our daughter just would text her every now and then asking her pictures of the grandkids. She called him out on it because she noticed the change on how he would not call her anymore. Our daughter is unaware of the situation. She knows about his drug use in the past and does not know he is smoking crack and how bad it is. Like he goes on binges or uses every few days. She is a little confused about why I left thinks had to do about not finding work but says don't make since. She doesn't ask questions.

I just had to vent and let it out some where since I have no one I confide in. It just has become so overwhelming you would think after 2 plus months of no contact it would get easier but nope, not for me. I can't attend the meetings because I don't want my daughter to know. She would have to be the one taking me and I have no car. I do come on here and this site has helped me understand the addiction. I've been in love with an addict but never read about it until now. This site has helped me so much reading all the stories I'm not alone and can identify with so many of you. I already know that this is going to hurt for a long time.

I'm glad that I had the opportunity to write this down on the forum and feel that some how it has helped me. It's a long post and it has helped me. I'm grateful to be here with others that understand what I'm going through. And yes I also found out about codependency and I am one. I love hard. I thought he loved me, he was so expressive with his love and one day it all changed just like that!! But at the end I love him more than he will ever know. Thanks for your support.

Maudcat

Hi, Me.
Welcome.
You will find lots of support here.
I think you know that he is going to do what he is going to do.
Time to think about you, yah?
Please take good care, and keep coming back.
Peace.

AnvilheadII

your daughter is an adult now, why NOT tell her THE TRUTH? doesn't she deserve that? don't you deserve to no longer keep secrets?

Me71

AnvilheadII, Yes you are right. I was thinking about telling her especially when she expressed to me that he was being distant with her once I left... I been trying to keep his crack addiction quite just like the reality of what was happening in our relationship just because in my experience in the past I have been judged for being with him. I think because being a crack addict is like the worst, but then again all drugs are. that's what has brought us here. I'm just so heartbroken about all of this and truth is that I love him with all my heart, and crack addict or not he's still her dad. Truth is keeping everything in is what's driving me insane. Thanks and I will keep coming here for the support.

HardLessons

Hi Me71

I am sorry for your situation. I know its an ugly story. From my own life, I know this story well.

If its any comfort, your not alone. There are many here on SR who have experienced exactly what you are going through.

Please take care of yourself.

Pixels

Hello Me71,
You have friends now.
Thank you for your post! I'm also new here and going through 110% the same at Home. I wasn't sure what (and if at all) to post? Reading my own story from your post was motivational!
Hope you are doing well for yourself, and achive all your dreams! *Hugs*

Me71

Hi, sorry that you are going through the same thing as I am. I'm grateful to have found this site and someone who can identify with my situation. It's been 3 months since I left and still emotional over the whole situation. I've received the separate text Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. I feel like Wow, he has just moved on with his life and and I got exactly what he wanted me gone and I'm still stuck in the pain of it all. I have learned here at SR that I can't understand the mind of an addict but I have trouble separating the addict from the person if that makes any sense. I been trying to build up my self esteem feeling rejected has really put a toll on me. I use to not be like this but then again he use to treat me like I was the most important person to him then light a switch he turned on me and pulled away. Keep coming here for support from others that have been through similar situations like us. I know I do.

Lots of hugs

Me71

Thought I posted an update. Since I last posted things have spiraled down quickly after I left my xabf. A little over a week ago my daughter ( our daughter) called him after not hearing from him for 2 weeks. She really got an ear full as of everything that's been happening with him. He was in his apartment telling her how he's been stressed and that's why he has not called her. He admitted to her that he messed up and he owes about $5000 to the drug dealers. Some of they live in his building like his next door neighbor that hangs in groups outside the building. He told her all this without talking about the drugs just that he messed up and owes them the money came the first of the month.

It also appears that he was letting people come in to his apartment and get high. My daughter heard him talking to people and he was not the person to want anyone in his house. He told her he didn't know what to do they want their money. She told him that he needed to talk to his caseworker and tell him he needed to transfer out of there ASAP. But how can he tell him that without a reason and the drug use? It would be suspect to the caseworker and he will be thrown out. Well he told her that the worker seen him at some point and told him he looked like ****. My daughter just kept asking him what he was going to do and he said he didn't know. And by the way he owed rent for a couple of months that he didn't pay.

The very next day we walked into his caseworkers office and told him what's been going on. I don't know if I posted in my first post he got the apartment through the shelter and they knew about his history with drugs so once he got the apartment he will have to go to treatment ( methodone) and stay clean. Well they made all the arrangements for him to go to a treatment program the very next day. First a 7 /day the 28/ day then a year one. He of course lost the apartment he had to turn in his keys and was suppose to take some things with him and they were going the following week to pick up his things with a truck and put them in storage that they will pay. He left with the clothes on his back. That's how bad it was they could not see him with bags because that would tip the drug dealers off.

He lasted in the program 4 days! He calls my daughter tells her he got kicked out for fighting! Ok so now he's homeless and on crack. He goes to his cousin house he puts him up for the weekend and calling around for another program. He now according to him in a shelter he didn't speak of a program with my daughter and she said he was talking not making sense but really about nothing like everything around him is fine. Just no cares. I'm still stuck on the part he lost his apartment all because of his choices. I'm not surprised because I knew this was coming at some point if he didn't do something about his addiction. It's just so much to take in. I feel like he wanted me gone so that he can get high and out of control. I'm worried about him now he's in the streets. He will leave the shelter go back and forth because he needs to get high and get high for days and the shelter has curfews. He has chosen this. He had came so far but this drug has it's grips on him. I pray for him, it's all I can do. I love him so much it's been hard for me.
I just thought I shared and at the same time it helped me get somethings out.

Lots of hugs

Noor

My first husband was a crack addict and interstate cocaine dealer.
Crack turned him into a subhuman and he did time in Federal prison
for trafficking cocaine.
Much later I discovered that he did time again in state prison
for attempted murder with a family court conviction.

A boyfriend who I loved and lived with, died from smoking crack.
He just dropped dead right there from a heart attack.

Save yourself...

Me71

Noor, It worries me what will be his bottom. I haven't spoken to him in 4 months beside him sending me a few text wishing me happy holidays, and just the other day wishing me a happy birthday. Our daughter has spoken to him and even though he is now homeless living in shelter he acts as if everything is fine. I don't know if he will ever seek help and get himself into treatment because all he wants to do is smoke crack. I pray for him now because theirs nothing I can do. He has to want it for himself and as long as he has some where to go sleep at night and continue to use that's what he will do. I'm grateful for this site because I have learn so much about addiction and what addicts do.

Hugs

Ann

I am so glad you didn't fall for this one, it's one of the oldest tricks in the book....give me money or they will hurt me!

They live a life of danger...messing with the wrong people and using drugs that can kill them...and there is simply not one thing we can do to change that.

You were wise to give up your front row seat to the drama.

If you haven't already gone to meetings, maybe try Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA. Meetings are a great way to find support and learn a healthier way of living...and the bonus is that you will make friends there who not only understand what you are going through, but who won't judge you or tell you what you "should" or "shouldn't" do.

Welcome to SR.

HardLessons

Me71

Try to leave your exabf in the hands of god or your HP.

As you are aware, crack addiction is extremely destructive & he has been an addict for most of his life. There is nothing you can do about it - same for me with my addict. You cant change anything concerning his addiction - I couldn't change anything either.

Leave it in god's hands & try to find some peace for yourself.

Thanks

Irene2525

Hello Me71 i am in a situation similar. I have been with my husband for 4 years. A year in to it found about his crack and now meth addiction. He has left about 6 times and disappeared not answering his phone. Took my car. Someone stole the car while he was getting high. Thank fully we found it again. Right now he is gone again! I want to separate from him or should i give him another chance?

Irene2525

Me71 i find your strength to leave him admirable. I am afraid of being alone i guess.

Me71

Thanks for all you guys for your replies. It means a lot to me since I have no one to talk to about this. Irene2525, I'm sorry for what you going through, I know how hurtful it feels. Believe me when I tell you that it took a lot for me to leave. I felt so alone and full of anxiety inside. I didn't recognize the person that was staying in front of me. I know that it was getting bad and I think that he knew it too that's why he had no problem in letting me go because he wanted to be left alone with is DOC, there was no room for me. I love and miss him so much but right now he doesn't care and I had to learn to accept that. I understand about being afraid to be alone but being with my active addict I was alone and it was painful and there was nothing I could've done. I'm glad you found your car. As to giving him another chance , I would just tell you something I read here you will know when the pain of staying is greater the pain of leaving. While they are active addiction all that matters to them is chancing that next high and they will leave time and time again because the call of the drug is too strong. I'm glad that we are here at SR. We can always come and find support and know that we are not alone.

Lots of Hugs

Irene2525

Me71 your insight is so good. He doesn't use all the time lately it has been like every few mos but i know that is still bad. I don't know it's so hard, to love someone but you cant be with them. I think a problem is too he has had his own business and it's such a temptation all that cash. Thanks for your advice. You are inspiring. Don't let anyone take away the light you have. Hugs

Crackruinedus

Last Christmas I reconnected with my high school crush. It was amazing, fast forward 7 months I’m deeply in love and his crack addiction is ruining everything. He’s handsome, kind and deeply spiritual. He’s never lied to me, always been honest (well at the beginning not so honest about how often he used but later confessed ) he smokes to deal with the pain from being molested as a kid but had also told me he likes to get high! I’ve offered suggestions, ways to get help etc. He’s rail thin and killing himself. His life is awful, multiple deaths in the past few months, lives in his moms basement (almost 44), super talented musician, doesn’t steal but works hard to support his habit. Kind when high but nasty when withdrawing and disappears for days (which now I know is the binge/crash cycle). I recently helped him obtain state health insurance. He has just cut me off out of the blue, saying he’s tired of me belittling him (god forbid I express my concern about his health) and leave him alone, he’d rather die alone! I’m crushed, realizing he doesn’t have a pot to **** in, I’ve bought him musical equipment because I do truly believe in his talents and have paid to see him multiple times (I have the means and know he doesn’t). He’s beyond stubborn and thinks no one listens or understands anything he says. I’m so in love with this man, know it could be years before he hits rock bottom (and maybe never will bc he lives with mom, she still calls him for dinner). I’m a single mom that has struggled from food stamps to a successful career (but I definitely drink to much). How do I go forward? This man has had more hurts than anyone deserves..

Dee74

Hi Crackruinedus

I have moved one of your posts to its own thread - you will get more response that way.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...p-my-love.html (Crack has ruined my relationship with my love)
D