Forgettable

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. I posted this in the newcomers forum but realized this is probably the best place to do so. I'm writing cause I'm having a hard time moving on from my future ex RAH and I'm hoping to get some words of advice and encouragement from others who have gone through this or anyone that can give me some insight from my husband's point of view.
We've know each other for 17 years, together for 11 and married for almost 8.
Throughout our marriage I've always been concerned about his lack of control when going out with friends. Always drank a bit too much, would use drugs if offered to him etc. Most of the times he never admitted it to me and just said I was being paranoid, controlling and exaggerated. Even after a couple of times after finding suspicious things around the house he would tell me friends left it behind while I was away visiting my home country. We would argue but I always chose to give him benefit of the doubt and believe him. Feel so ignorant now.

I can't say we've had the happiest marriage ever. We've had our issues, and I accept my responsibilities. Maybe I haven't been the best wife I could have been. A lot was due to my anxiety. A lot to my frustration of lack of him being home, and then expecting me to be emotionally available at his request. And a lot due to feeling constantly let down. It still doesn't excuse it.

After both actively trying for a couple of months I became pregnant with our daughter. The night I found out and shared the news with him my world crumbled. I found him hiding a vial of cocaine in our trash can.
Things got pretty bad, so I seeked marriage counseling. Again, for some reason I must have been in denial of the severity of his issue. I guess due to my lack of knowledge on the subject, and because I kept believing him that it wasn't as bad as it looked.
He said he quit everything after that day. He was very depressed and I was somewhat resentful and my pregnancy was not a happy one unfortunately.

I gave birth to our beautiful daughter last year and that's when things got very bad. Family came over to visit and he was a wonderful present dad. It's when everyone left that things got bad. I couldn't get him to help me out with anything, long hours at work again, "drinks with clients" (I later found out that these repeated client dinners where drinks with a lady friend), and then basically slept through the whole weekend for the rest of the year. I only could get him to walk the dog (now I know that's when he would take care of his business when he wasn't doing it at work). Started telling me I had a pretty serious mental illness he's been talking about with our therapist behind my back. I felt absolutely insane. Fighting got out of control. I decided to go visit family to get my bearings and came back to find all of my belongings and my daughters stuff stored in another room.

I drew the line and realized something was very wrong for once. I started looking around the house and nothing as usual, till I found rolled up dollar bills in his jacket so I decided to confront him. Even after showing him coke residue in my hands from the bills he would still tell me he couldn't see anything. It was madness.

He finally admitted to me one afternoon that he had a problem. But that his main problem was not coke. It was opiates and that this has been going on for at least 5 years. I couldn't believe it. I was heartbroken from years of lying and so worried for his health. But I thought it was at least a positive step he was recognizing it. I tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible, and he quit cold turkey. For a week.

He started using again so much that he was starting not to be functional anymore. I found out his dealer is three blocks from home too which is a disaster. I decided not to wake him up for work anymore as I have been doing for years without knowing and tried to carry on with my life and not expect anything from him. But it was hard not to be obsessed with wondering if he would make it home that night, or if he was ODing somewhere when hours went by and he was nowhere to be found when he was supposedly at work. I told his mom about it and ask her to come over and basically help me with an intervention. Feb 17th we dropped him of at rehab for 30 inpatient treatment program. I was so proud of him, and also looking forward for us to be better. I was eager to start therapy myself and deal with some of my anxiety issues. I thought this would be a good time to really give ourselves a good last try with the right tools and help. For us, cause I love him, but I felt our daughter deserved another chance as well.

Three days after rehab dismissal while he was in sober living said he wanted a separation, he met someone in there and he is no longer is in love with me.
When people describe the feeling of air being knocked out of them, it is literally how it felt. My world was flipped over in a matter of minutes.
I asked him if he would consider seeing a specialized marriage counselor and holding off his relationship till we have each other a good educated try. But nope, he said it would never work out.
Just like that. I was a total shocked mess.
So I left with plans to be with my family for a couple of months, start therapy, give him the space he requested with hopes that things would change over time. But he continued to treat me like trash, blame me for all his problems and said he wanted a divorce. Found out he started bringing her home the day after we left. 6 months and two relapses later, and girl moved in our apartment he hasn't filed for divorce. One of our cars got stolen, and the other one he crashed on a bridge (which he lied to insurance). He started going through crazy spending splurges and asking for any child support has become an ordeal. Our bank accounts are getting drained. He's even said that his girlfriend wanted to meet me? Are we crazy here? He then added he's a certified bipolar and that he is in lithium now which might explain some of his irrational behaviors. I don't know what is what, but I guess it doesn't matter.
The worst has been the fact that he barely called our daughter.

So I decided I would file myself since nothing was moving forward. I don't want a divorce, I love him and understand he has issues, but I also know his mind's been made up and there is nothing that I can do to change it. We would require tremendous hard work from both of our parts and I was willing to put my share. But It's been almost 9 months now, a few more relapses, more lies, and they are still a couple living at our home. Who am I kidding right? I'm just having such a hard time going through with it. How can 11 years together be erased in a matter of days? It's like we never were. He seems to show no remorse, no nothing. Done. He just replaced us with someone he met in a week's time. He seems to have no good memories of us together. I can remember the bad times, they will be hard to forget. But I can still rescue all the very happy times, and I think it's what makes it so hard. I don't know who he has become. It's heart drenching.

I want to desperately move on with my life, and I'm getting help myself which has saved my sanity. I wish I could go no contact but having a daughter together makes it impossible. I pray for him to get better every day, as that is the most important thing for me. I want my daughter to have a present and healthy father. And because besides all the pain he's put me through I love him still. At least the sweet, talented, considerate man I used to know. I know that part of him is still somewhere in there. I know none of the tremendous painful things he's said and done towards me lately were on purpose. At least I hope not. He's just recently showing more kindness towards me and started calling our daughter out of the blue which makes me happy. But him showing me the person I fell in love with once in a while makes it even harder. I want to be able to hate him you know?
I want what's best for him. I'm just struggling understanding his point of view, and trying to get over the pain. That's all.
Please excuse the long post. I got a little carried away.

zoso77

Forgettable...

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the time to post. Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of things I'd like to share with you.

This happens a lot. Addicts have very permeable boundaries, so when a couple of addicts get together in a rehab or a sober house setting, they quickly form an intimate bond because they can relate to each other. Sick attracts sick. He's sick. She's sick. And he's not serious about recovery.

I realize this is a kick in the gut for you, and as someone who got ditched for another addict, I empathize.

He can do this because his moral and ethical compass and sense of right and wrong is not functioning. Addiction is a selfish, self induced disease where accountability doesn't exist. When he says he doesn't love you anymore, what he's really saying is he doesn't want to be held accountable by you anymore. After all, marriage only works when both parties are playing by the same rules and hold themselves accountable. If there's no accountability, then the marriage crumbles.

All I can say is don't personalize this. If you spend enough time here, you're going to run into posts and threads that have details similar to yours. His choices are about him, not you. And the best thing for you to do is accept that he's simply not husband material and divorce his arse.

One more thing...I find your choice of handle, Forgettable, disheartening. Just because your AH has behaved poorly and reprehensibly and has "forgotten" you does not mean you're forgettable.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Forgettable

Thank you zoso for your reply. I am better at not taking things personally now but it's still hard for me to accept everything that has happened lately. I'm torn with what I must do and what my heart wants. But what you say is very helpful to me. Regarding my username you are right, I chose it a couple months ago when I was going through a period of anger and a lot of self-pity. I was looking into how to change it although I feel I've been forgotten, I don't consider myself "forgettable". I'm working on loving myself more and describing and thinking of myself in a more appropriate, realistic and loving way.

zoso77

You can ping one of the moderators and then can take care of that for you.

Take care.

ardy

Forgettable hold this group tight to your hand.. and so many prayers from so many of us.. and love from all. ardy

Hope7726

I can relate. Sadly, a lot of us here can relate. After learning that my boyfriend at the time was an addict, I educated myself about addiction and started attending Nar-Anon. I understand addiction is a disease that takes over its victims and makes them unrecognizable. I understand their lives are ruled by their need for drugs. No one and nothing else matters. I get it. But it still hurts! It does feel personal. It feels like he just stopped caring about me. And truthfully, he did. He stopped caring about everything but his need for drugs.

I have found that the only answer to any and every question we have about why our addicted loved ones think and feel and act the way they do is because they are addicts. And I hate hearing that. If I have to hear, "he's just doing what addicts do" and "it's because he's an addict" one more time I will flip out! When I see a homeless addict on the street begging for money I can easily tell myself he is just doing what addicts do. But when I see my own bf acting like an irresponsible, heartless a-hole, I have a hard time accepting that as the only explanation. But it is.

It's true, in time we will learn more and understand better and heal (provided we want to). But until then, it's going to hurt. It's going to feel personal. It's going to bring you rage. Those feelings will go away in time as long as you keep taking care of yourself, and keep that pesky addict out of your life as much as possible!

Ann

Sweetie, you and your child deserve so much better than all this. He is still actively addicted and behaving like addicts behave.

I am glad you are now taking care of you and most of all your child. Fortunately your child is too young to remember all this, but any child is better off with one happy parent than two when one is active in addiction.

My prayers go out for you and your child, that you can rise above all this and make a good life for both of you.

Hugs

Xtreem

I read this and felt terrible for you and the situation. I hope you have someone close by to get with to vent, talk, scream, cry and whatever it takes. I will try to add more latter, just wanted to acknowledge you and say ... sorry this is happening.

Lovehurtswaddic

Please forgive my typing as i nhave broken my right hand right in the middle of finding a job after my addictleft me and my 3 yr old son that he raised as his oen since 3 mo old.
Mine left while i was at the hospital with my daughter in labor. He tried to come home a couple weeks later, but thanks to this forum and my friends and family, i didnt fall for the lies' and didnt want to live in that life of hell, confusion, tears, self hate, and his abuse of me anymore. Did it hurt? Hell yes it still does everyday, some days im fine somedays im very sad, but i push on. The best thing i did to get my control back was go no contact. He stole my phone, so when \I got a new one i got a new number. i also blocked him on facebook. He has no way of contacting me. oh I also got rid of anyone that like to gossip and go back and forth. I dont want to knoiw what he is doing, it will just hurt me more.
Read 'what addicts do" in th estickys at thetop of the page. That help me sooo much!! Knowing that is what and who he is now because he choose the lose everything and go back to his drugs.
I dont know about you but no thank you. read it 100 times and again if needed. Hes not the same person you fell in love with and never will be, when your ready you will realize that. When i did it made it so much easier for me. so i grieved the loss andrealized the guy i loved left a very long time ago. please forgive my cast lol atleast its pretty pink!

Hope7726

Lovehurts, yes! You are so right and so strong. I forgot about that sticky. Forgettable, read that and print it out and read it anytime you feel weak. It's upsetting but its a wake up call.

SabrinaQ

I just wanted to say that I relate too, my ex-husband just 'dropped me' just like that.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but there it is.
I thought the pain would kill me, but no.

For the first time, I am really looking at my life, and changing my personality for the better,
I'm actually a happier person than I was before meeting him (six years ago),

NO, I wouldn't have chosen this to happen coz I'm not getting any younger and I want a family, but oh well, que sera, sera.

I suggest you go to Al-anon, it really helps, plus find some books about codependency, family psychology, etc. I can recommend some if you want.

You WILL feel better, give it a bit more time, healing takes time.
and I've found that LETTING GO of what you can't control is the most marvellous feeling that I have discovered.

Forgettable

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. I've been trying to read positive outcomes in other peoples posts and I know it will get better. Hope7726, I know the feeling. I'm right there with you. We just have to get through the frustration, and try to give up on knowing the whys and how comes. It's probably the hardest thing for me. Trying to find closure and giving up on trying to understand the madness of it all

maia1234

Forgettable, Most of us have walked in your shoes. I just divorced my A husband of 26 years and 34 years together. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Now it is the holidays and we are trying to work out details of where my older kids are to meet him. NC is really the best thing for me as it kills me to see how "fun" his life is and I sit and struggle.

I do know that I waited longer then most to finally leave my Xhusband. I did everything to try and get him sober and regret wasting so many years with all the abuse I went through. It didn't seem like abuse at the time, but I now see it was abusive and I shouldn't have tolerated it.

The best thing you can do is take care of you and your daughter. That would hurt him the most, seeing you both thrive!!
(((((((((( Hugs)))))))))))))

mejo

I am in your shoes. AH of ten years walked out the door and has not looked back. Homeless and all. Makes me fell like I was such a bitch to live with or something.

SuzyMarie

Thanks for sharing, though I am sorry for what brings you here. You are not alone. There are many of us who share your story, maybe with some particular details that differ...but it's all the same. I know how much it hurts. A few years ago my ex did the same thing, more or less. Broke it off for someone he met in AA within a few weeks of us separating households (as I like to put it ). Anyhoo, some things I have learned...be prepared for him to try and come back after this new relationship blows up in his face (cuz more than likely it will, it certainly did for mine), that I was pretty darn "sick", too and was prompted to take a long look at MY life choices, etc, joining Al-Anon was one of the best things that I ever did and mostly, I have slowly learned to love myself, take care of me and my family and realize that I am worthy of a loving and healthy mate. It takes patience, but, I promise you, if you take the time to truly take care of yourself and your daughter, one day you will look back on this situation and it will not hurt nearly as much as it does right now. Hugs to you.

Forgettable

I just want to say again thank you all for your posts. After a very disturbing conversation I had with him a little over three weeks ago I drew the line and decided to go no contact, just email regarding our daughter calls. It's night and day. I wish I had the strength to do this earlier. It has helped me tremendously! I think it's the only thing that got me through the holidays. Of course I still get sad or furious at times, like when he called our daughter in New Years from his hotel room with his gf... you see he has SIDS (sudden income deficit syndrome), he can't provide for his daughter but still manages to drive a fancy car, pay expensive rent and take nice trips... Arghhh. Anyway, nc has been a life saver for me and I hope I can keep it up. Anyway, I hope you are all starting the new year with the right foot! Thank you again. I'm so happy to have found this forum!

JOIE12

You will take pride in filing for child support. it may not come quickly nor timely but during the course of his life .. it will haunt him often. You will eventually receive what your daughter deserves.

I had several people who went thru detox here, two different facilities ... that they are told in meetings that most who are successfully clean after leaving - break up with their bf/gf/husband/wife and cut off certain friendships because they carry around the feeling from how they hurt them with the addiction. Told that those people will keep bringing them down. Causing failure.

that they could not seem to move on and leave all of the hurt and pain behind.

I thought it was all garbage until I heard it ! I can understand some of that as being valid but sounded like giving the recovering addict a license to blame their disease on others.

You are suffering and I am sorry. for you and for your daughter.

When I set the boundaries, one at a time, my self confidence grew. I doubted myself less and I realized that I didn't have to participate in HIS discussion, he needed to act mature and anything other than that was met with "I am going to hang up now, call back when you have calmed down". I let him know that his verbal abuse and treatment is not a part of my life anymore. I hung up a few times and it stopped. If it ever happens, I repeat this process all over again.

You have already found strength inside. We are proud of you

Fate2012

My husband started having an a fling with his sponsee from his NA meeting. He lied for weeks saying that his sponsee was a man. He shows no remorse and acts like it's all my fault that our marriage is ending.
I started today writing in a journal so I can get some of this anger out in a healthy way.
It hurts, I have 2 kids under 2.5 so it makes things very complicated. I feel so bad for my babies. I will eventually heal. Prayers for you and your family!

Dnice138

[QUOTE=SabrinaQ;5070498]I just wanted to say that I relate too, my ex-husband just 'dropped me' just like that.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but there it is.
I thought the pain would kill me, but no.

For the first time, I am really looking at my life, and changing my personality for the better,
I'm actually a happier person than I was before meeting him (six years ago),

NO, I wouldn't have chosen this to happen coz I'm not getting any younger and I want a family, but oh well, que sera, sera.

I suggest you go to Al-anon, it really helps, plus find some books about codependency, family psychology, etc. I can recommend some if you want.

You WILL feel better, give it a bit more time, healing takes time.
and I've found that LETTING GO of what you can't control is the most marvellous feeling that I have discovered.

Ann

Dnice, this is an old thread that hasn't been posted on for several years now. Maybe start a new thread and the members here now can share with you too.

Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds like you are doing well at moving on with your life.

Nobody deserves to be treated like active addicts treat them. You deserve a happy life free from the crazy chaos and it begins with your own self-esteem.

Hugs